Hash #621
Hares: The future Mr. & Mrs. Rutro
I wuz up with the roosters Saturday morning 'cuz I had a long
haul south of the border into Prince William Country fer the pre-nuptuals
of Blank Check and Rutro. The beltway wuz more crowded than usual with
city folk a headin' fer the hills, as me 'n' Latin Anal-ist took to the
highway. We wuz barely onto I-95 when we passed Pay Per View totin' a car
load of men-folk who wuz visitin' from U-rope. Well, we took to honkin'
the horn an' a wavin', and finally ol' Pay Per View knowed who we wuz.
It weren't but a couple more miles afore we picked up French Toasted and
Continental Drip in our convoy en route to Henderson Elementary School.
When we got to Henderson, I overshot the parkin' lot and ended up circlin'
the bus loop, with Pay Per View and French Toasted right behind me.
Latin Anal-ist wuz encouragin' me to loop agin a couple a more times,
but my gas foot wuz a gittin' tard, tellin' me it wuz time to park.
Purty soon ol' Wankers "Bubba" Aweigh and his womun showed up on
his motorcycle. Only when she took off her helmit, it weren't his womun,
it wuz Red Snapper. Somewhere along the line he musta swapped her.
Wankers wuz a bit confused that mornin' anyways, 'cuz he kept confusin'
me with Milk "Skeeter" Money; 'course, lots a folks do that.
Fer such a long trek we had a HUGE pack o' hashers to turn out.
I watched as Nurse Crotchet led a, shall we say, steady stream of folks
to sneakin' off to the woods fer a pre-trail peepee. The one time we have
plenty of trees fer waterin' and Billie "Perk-A-Set" Bob don't show up!
We wuz blessed with the return o' Dual Air Bags, who had not been
seen or heard frum since she succumbed to mono (the kissin' disease). Well,
she wuz makin' up fer lost time and just all 'round exercisin' her jaws 'til
Hawaiian "Cooter" Puke blowed the whistle fer us to circle fer Father 'Abe.
Ya know, fer a military type, he done a purty good Russian cossack
version o' Father Abe.
Now, we've all growed accustomed to Beazer a singin' along with
us, but Missin' Link had his two extra Beazers today, and when we started
singin', them dogs set to hollerin' like they'd treed a possum. Finally,
we wuz off after the flour.
I heard someone yellin' my nerd name, and looked up to find my old
friend Just Cathy, who wuz livin' up to my name by comin' late. Cathy only
hashes once a year, and this wuz the day.
We took off follerin' Bite Me Elmo and Indecent Proposal and the
rest of the pack through someone's nice lawn and onto a street, where we
didn't find no flour but did not let that discourage us. If'n I hadn't a
seen it with my own two eyes I'd a never believed it, but I wuz a witness
to a r*ce between Loan Shark an' Cunnin' Runt. I didn't see the end of it,
but Loan Shark told me later that he led fer quite a ways, and that Cunnin'
Runt wuz about to catch him when he passed out and that when he come to she
wuz nowhere to be seen so he could only assume that she'd a won.
By this time, the FRBs had R'd off, so the rest of us continued a
couple a more blocks with no flour or chalk, 'til we finally come up on a
check. Seein' as how it weren't marked, me 'n Stained Sheets kinda hung
around pertendin' to look like we knowed whut we wuz doin'. Sure 'nuff, we
heard whistles and "on on" yelled, so we took to runnin' again. Fer the next
couple o' checks, we had numerous sightins o' the FRBs, so we hailed the
hares fer their cunnin', cussed the FRBs fer not markin' nothin', and mosied
along our way.
While all this wuz goin' on, Fussy Bitch and Steamer's Bitch wuz
just a gittin' to the start, where they found hare Blank Check. Now, them
bitches wuz purty excited to a caught 'em a hare, but catchin' a hare in
the parkin' lot at the start don't exactly call fer fetchin' the
taxidermist. But bein' the gent that he is, Blank Check offered
them a choice of flour trail or short cut, then sent them off toward
the landfill. They eventually made it back smellin' just a little
ripe.
From here on the trail mostly stuck to the streets and
sidewalks of Prince William Country, and we wandered our way around
a bunch of purty little neighborhoods. Well, bein' on lots of
hardtop gave Blank Check plenty o' opportunity to profess his undyin'
luv and devotion to Rutro by writin' lots of luvvy duvvy messages
on the sidewalks, and put the rest of us in sugar comas. At least
that proved that he did actually carry chalk.
Soon enough we busted out of the residential area and
across a very busy highway to the water stop, then to the shiggiest
part of the trail: some townhouses under construction. There we
run across some folks loadin' beer into coolers and coolers onto
pickups, leadin' us to believe that a beer stop wuz at hand, but,
when we stated such, them folks pointed us to the left and directed
us away.
Just as it appeared that we were bound fer shiggy and stepped
off'n the cement fer the first time today, we come across "BEER NEAR"
and wuz on in. Well I'll be danged if'n them hares didn't set up food
service right smack dab in the middle of the only patch of PI we seen
all mornin'. Which did not stop anyone from eatin', though, let me tell
you what. Not only did we feast on bologna and cheese sandwiches, but
we had chocolate weddin' cake to boot! Served up by Blade Runner and
Rutro, who wuz sportin' a tasteful bridal veil.
(Speakin' of wedded bliss, newlywed Tore Ass wuz huntin' me down
to report his dear bride Fire 'n Ice fer a violation 'cuz she had spilt
some o' her beer. I think he wuz just tryin' to get her drunk.)