What a day for a hangover. Had my erstwhile co-scribe been available, I would have opted to stay in bed, but Perk-A-Set had gone south for the heat wave. I was able to wrestle my socks onto the correct feet, but I required assistance to tie my shoelaces. Full Metal Balls offered to help, but behind his seemingly good intentions was the opportunity to peep up my shorts. Bless her heart, Nurse Crotchet came to the rescue. For some reason, while she was tying my shoes, the subject of rancid hashing shoes came up, and soon Indecent Proposal produced a can of "Sweet Shoe", which they both sprayed in their shoes. Do I hear hashit?

Who turned up the heat? It had to be 120F in the shade by the time hares Dumb Blond and Steamer's Bitch arrived, which was also just in time for them to leave. The bastards were carrying rappelling gear and a chainsaw.

Great Balls of Fire and Big Bird Turd were on their good behavior, sucking up to the scribe by wearing outfits identical to mine, which made me wonder if they had been peeping. Or perhaps I was the peeper and they the peepees, in this fog I don't recall, but we three looked mighty sharp.

No sooner were the hares out of sight than Hawaiian Puke and Wankers Aweigh circled us up for Father Abe. Perhaps it was the new mismanagement getting cocky, perhaps it was the absence of our hero Byte, but when it came time for "Byte's a ho!", they forgot to hee and ho, and confusion reigned. The pack was so perplexed that few noticed hare Dumb Blonde slip back to his SUV for additional supplies, I suppose it was a bit hot to be carrying ten pounds of rappelling gear and ten pounds of flour.

Before dismissing to commence walking, directions to the walkers were dispensed: "If you see a wall, go left until you pick up flour, follow flour until you've been in the creek for a while, then runners stay in the creek and walkers scale the cliff." Since I was with the walkers, I expected to see the Donner party before I saw beer again. It wasn't long before we lost trail.

We had numerous walkers, the usual Hot Legs, Black Box, and Holiday Ho, along with several of the walking wounded. The winner of the Most-Popular-Aunt contest, Fussy Bitch, brought her niece and nephew along for their virgin hash. Black Box was definitely the most patriotic in her red, white, and blue-sequined bow tie. Since Ground Chuck had already run earlier in the morning, he was permitted to join the walkers.

Within ten minutes we were at a crossroads, with flour in two directions, but no check. For Sale Or Rent ran the flour trail on the left until she came to a back-check 4, and the Fussy B crew charged right until the flour petered out. Backtracking, we found flour trailing off into the woods, just as we heard whistles, signaling the approach of the FRBs. We stepped back to permit the runners to pass, and to avoid being trampled.

This was not a matter of stepping from pavement into the woods, it was more like a 94 degree embankment, which Bad Dog did with grace and finesse, wrapping his ribs around a tree to brake his speed. This was followed by the sound of wood splintering, as the dead tree Holiday Ho was using for support gave way, and she made a quick trip to the bottom of the ravine. Most other walkers followed the butt groove she plowed in the forest floor, and descended rapidly to catch up with her.

Grateful for the shade the woods provided, the pack scurried along a creek bed; Stained Sheetz pirouetted gracefully across a dead tree, flaunting the OhFeelYa Butt syndrome, and Hymen Dickover skated across slick stones in the creek to follow flour on the left bank. If only T-bone had been so nimble as those two hash brothers! Alas, he will wear the marks of this trail for quite some time, but he rose from the creek bed, bruised and bleeding, and continued on trail.

There were hashers everywhere! Not much flour, though, and we were unable to determine if the flour we did find was inbound or outbound flour. The trail confusion allowed the back of the pack to join the FRBs in scouring the woods for marks. Long time no see’r and late sign-in 14K Cock joined up, explaining he had spotted flour along a street, and just parked his car and ran.

Just Dan and Leave It In Beaver led us along a branching creek bed (or was it the same one?) in search of the pack. We were soon joined by Coffee Tee Or Me and Corkscrewed, who, at this point, were essentially zenning. The blessed sound of a whistle pierced the air, but it was followed by the appearance of FMB, who was equally lost. We backtracked a bit before Just Dan spotted flour on the opposite side of the creek, and parted the waters for us to follow. Special thanks go to Leave It In Beaver for protecting me from a huge salamander masquerading as a snake. Once on the other side of the bank, hare Steamer’s Bitch stepped from behind a tree and directed runners to continue down the creek bed and walkers to scale the cliff above. We all declared ourselves walkers and ascended the cliff.

Atop the hill we encountered the first water stop and what was left of the runners. Further along we found Rat’s Ass at the next runner’s / walker’s split, pondering the situation. Did he want to join the cool people or subject himself to another hour of pain and torture?

At the second water stop, water wench OhFeelYa Butt directed us to go right, although trail was marked left. OB had witnessed the runners branch right, then return 15 minutes later after completing a circle jerk, and kindly prevented us from repeating their agony. French Toasted later divulged that the FRBs were so fast, they missed the second water stop before and after the circle jerk. I’ll bet their shoes were smoking, too.

So we branched left, through some dense brush and into the murky water of an alligator-infested river. Taking the high ground was not a feasible option, for the high ground was lush with leaves-of-3. Virgin Karol Duffy led us up the river until we heard ON IN called well ahead. Holiday Ho muscled us aside as she sprinted ahead in search of soap, water, and beer. We eventually burst from the jungle that we call Maryland and landed in Dumb Blonde’s backyard, were a feast of pasta awaited us.

On my way to the beer coolers I passed through triage, where Pinky Penis was applying bandages to the wounded T-bone, and Bad Dog was lying in a white heap in the shade. Several cuts and scrapes on other hashers were noted, but my hangover was much better by then, and the sight did not make me ill. I’ll rest my pen here before I bloviate.

From the comfort of the lawn chair he found on trail, Dr. Strangelove observed as Hawaiian Puke called for the hares, and circle commenced. First up were Steamer's Bitch and Dumb Blonde for setting a shitty trail. Steamer's Bitch still has penance to pay for current as well as previous transgressions, so the hares were denied beer and forced to down Sprite. In addition to Fussy's niece and nephew, Kim and John Naehring, we had virgins Greg Nau, Bryan Eichhorn, and Karol Duffy (Nurse Crotchet made them cum). Today's visitors included Tart Wheel and The Body from WH4, Drop Box from OTH4, Mud Pie, who has just moved to the area from Emerald Coast, Coffee Tee or Me, who has just moved here from Camp Pendleton, and Just Jen and Just Gordon. Returners were 14K, Leave It In Beaver, Tastes Like Chalk, T-bone, Stool Sample, 1 Ringy Dingy, Mighty Tight, and Fresh Testicles. Ordinary anniversaries (if I may be so bold) were Call Girl - 50, Blazing Straddle - 55, and Wankers - 250 and when one GM drinks yadda yadda yadda. Special anniversarians were Full Metal Balls and Pud Nocker who reached 200 today. They were rewarded with MVH3 jackets, which they were required to wear, in the sun, despite a temperature of 130F and rising. The temperature that is, not FMB and PN. We had a special naming, a just-for-the-summer naming of Bad Dog, who will be known as Geisha Boy in honor of the Pond's Cold Cream-looking stuff he plasters on his face and arms all summer.

Once again, a lengthy trail called resulted in multiple violations: Bite Me Elmo for pushing Milk Money in the creek; Milk Money for swimming; Indecent Proposal and Nurse Crotchet for their shoe violation, then IP got another violation along with Hot Legs and Milk Money for having birthdays; Just Karol, Just Brian, and 14K for late sign-in; T-bone for destruction of government property; Geisha Boy for wrecking a tree and leaving a squirrel homeless; GBOF and BBT - fashion statement for dressing like the scribe; Poop Deck and Pud Nocker - environmentals; and Mighty Tight, who needs GrrAnimals to get dressed.

Hashit time, and there were plenty of nominations: Nurse Crotchet and Indecent Proposal for spraying their hashing shoes with "Sweet Shoe" before the trail; T-bone for damaging the trail, then trying to get sympathy by bleeding profusely; Steamer's Bitch and Bite Me Elmo; and the winners were Steamer's Bitch and Bite Me Elmo!

The tweeterless were singled out and brought forward to drink as we sang Swing Low, then went back to the mountain to ponder what perils would await us at the prison in Lorton.

The Once/Twice/Three Times a Lady run

Starring Fly the Friendly Thighs as ONCE

John HandCock as TWICE and

Three Times a Lady as himself.

Reston, Va Sunset Hills Commuter Parking lot.

From the Beltway

Take the Dulles Toll Road to Wiehle Avenue Exit.

Take a Right on Wiehle Avenue

At the Second Light - (Sunset Hills Road) - Take a Left

A Commuter parking lot will be on the right side of Sunset Hills Road.

Go to far end of the parking lot along Sunset Hills Road - Park and

Hash.

Dog Friendly/Stroller passable on the walker's trail.

And remember: If it ani’t live, it ain’t Mount Vernon!

Check out Hard Drive’s new web page at http://patriot.net~djk/mvh3

The next DCFMH3 will be Friday, July 23 at 7:00 PM, hares will be Missing Link and his bitches (Beazer and Full Metal Balls), so dry shoes and a change of clothes would be a good idea. The start will be at the Giant Food Store at the corner of Old Keene Mill Road and Rolling Road in Springfield, VA. The cost is $10 which will include beer, soda, pizza, music and dancing at the On On On at Gino's Pizzeria. Directions: From I-495, take I-95 south and immediately exit at Old Keene Mill Road, route 644 WEST, which appropriately enough is exit 169B. Stay on Old Keene Mill for approx. 2 miles. The Giant is on the right hand side before the intersection of Old Keene Mill and Rolling Road.

The 6th Annual Washington D.C. Area Red Dress Run will be Saturday, October2. See Black Box for a registration form, or check web sites:

http://patriot.net~djk/mvh3 or

http://www.monumental.com/janus/dcreddress

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Last week you saw the blender version, now for the Hands Solo Gazpacho that requires a pot and a stove:

1 and 1/2 cups tomato juice

1 beef bouillon cube

1 tomato, chopped

1/4 cup chopped cucumber

2 tablespoons chopped green peppers

2 tablespoons chopped onion

2 tablespoons wine vinegar

1 tablespoon vegetable oil

1/2 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

3 drops red pepper sauce

ACCOMPANIMENTS (herbed croutons and about 1/3 cup each chopped cucumber, tomato, green pepper and onion)

Heat tomato juice to boiling. Add bouillon cube; stir until dissolved. Stir in remaining ingredients except Accompaniments. Refrigerate several hours. Serve with Accompaniments. 5 servings 1/2 cup each