Run # 626
Hares: Three Times a Lady, Fly the Friendly Thighs, and John Handcock

Location: Commuter Parking Lot (Friday night business location for Fly the Friendly Thighs) in Reston

Finally, a hash that only takes 15 minutes to get to instead of 45 minutes! We arrived in the commuter lot on a hotter than hell morning to exercise—we must be weird. I was momentarily confused, wondering if it was Saturday morning or Wednesday night since the crowd was full of the Great Falls hashers. I kept expecting Physical Terrorist to ask me for $5.

Milk Money was at her post greeting hashers and taking their money. Black Box was all dressed up and looking beautiful with her coordinated, thoroughly accessorized outfit. She wasn’t hashing, she was just hanging out and then going to get her hair done. She should get the hashit for getting her priorities out of whack. Well, since she wasn’t hashing, was she still the first one there? I bet she was!!! I’m not saying she’s anal or anything.

At 10 sharp, the 3 hares were off. Somebody called Circle Up, and we went through the motions of Father Abe.

Trail started slowly and we were off through some business lots and soon into the woods. The woods had a nice trail that was basically keeping the pack together. Cunning Runt passed Indecent Proposal and I on her mountain bike, then we never saw her again. On several occasions, BTs turned the pack back on itself and we were all running together.

We came to a check and were almost run over by some large construction trucks. The trucks full of construction workers kept coming by us as we were wandering around a construction site looking for trail. Harem Scarem and Big Bird Turd finally found trail through the construction site and once again the pack was together. Several people commented that the FRBs had taken off and were never seen again on the BTs. They must be in with the hares!!!

We crossed a busy road, ran along the side and then back into the woods. We ran through more business lots and then a hare’s arrow pointed us into a small section of vines and bushy growth near the toll road. There was a very small tunnel that only a rabbit could get through so we were wondering if this was a joke and a BT? Finally, somebody saw that trail went up and over the hill and we were off running again.

We came upon Tits Ahoy looking for trail in the vast expanse of office building and parking deck. We finally realized that trail just went straight through the office building farm from parking lot to parking lot alongside the toll road.

A tunnel loomed ahead. As I started to go in, the entrance was blocked by about 10 hashers coming back out. Among them were Stained Sheetz and Poop Deck who said the tunnel was too small and they were all taking off to run across the toll road. Well, I’d rather have claustrophobia than be roadkill, so in I went. It was OK for about 5 minutes, then it got smaller. I was walking like our ancestors walked 5 million years ago, knuckles dragging and all. Then I realized my ponytail was cleaning all the muck off the top of the tunnel and I was totally grossed out. I had to stop every 10 steps to massage my buns as they were getting that good ole burning sensation. Kill the hares!!!

When we finally got out of the tunnel, we stopped for a few minutes and took turns straightening each other’s backs out. Hands Solo was sitting on the curb outside the tunnel crying about a booboo he got on trail. Something bit him on the ankle. We told him it was probably a weird hasher and he better get moving.

They should put that tunnel in that "Buns of Steel" video.

I’m having hallucinations of jumping in a large lake now so where the heck is the finish? We ran down a section of the bike path that was NOT in the shade, and then turned into a neighborhood. About this time, Three Times a Lady came driving by with a carload of hashers, stopped and asked me if I was alright. You know, every time I see Three X on trail he asks me if I’m alright like I look like I’m about to croak or something??? Then Fly the Friendly Thighs pulled up and asked if I wanted a ride. I told them the heat wasn’t bothering me at all and I was just getting warmed up so they could drive on in without this hasher—I was running in. Well when they got out of sight, I started crawling in.

All said, an excellent hash.

After dining on burgers, cole slaw, and fruit salad, Circle Up was finally called by Hawaiian Puke.

We drank to the hares for a shitty trail and then it was time to sacrifice the virgins to the gods of hashing. We sacrificed Andrea Dumont (Growing Air Bags since she’s the younger sister of Dual Air Bags whose priority this day was to make sure she remained a virgin with the likes of Full Metal Balls sniffing around), and Mauricio Lopes (Frito Bandito because he had that cute Meester Mexicano accent).

The visiting hashers were Crayola Fucker, Brian Fazzone, Easily Amused, Fouck, Mary Chlopecki, Mike Schluner, Dana Schluner, Heath Wells, and Unibomber.

Returning wankers were Yes Dear, Dual Air Bags, Agua Nino, Hoover, Eat it Raw, Whine and Cheese, Finger Pickin Good, Dual Floppies, Little Digit, Dead Stick, Harem Scarem, Sticky Lips, and Drinks on Me Bud.

Anniversarians were Mark Chandeysson (5), Tits Ahoy (15), Hawaiian Puke (95), Three Times a Lady (105), Eat It Raw (145), Bavarian Bush (265), and

Mismanagement should be charged with gross mismanagement for not having his gift at the hash. Oops. But we’re planning a special surprise. He gets to do us all, men twice.

Time for the violations. I need to tell a story here—I was jogging along through the woods and came upon Buddha standing still looking around. As I got closer, I see that he’s stepped off trail about 6 inches and is standing in front of a huge tree relieving himself. He wasn’t hiding himself at all and was chatting with hashers as they walked by. Go figure. So he is honored with honorary Polish citizenship for a day. Other violations included Missing Link and Cheap Slut for calling each other to coordinate their hash outfits, Poop Deck for spreading his sweat on the scribe when his wife wasn’t looking, the hares and Hard Drive (who had left) for their bad sentence construction in the directions, and the hares again for that nasty tunnel.

Nominations for the hashit included Dumb Blonde and Cunning Runt for looking alike from behind. Dumb Blonde was being called Running C*nt since they were now twins and Cunning Runt was having that temporary "I left my brain on trail" thing as she forgot her own hash name!!! So she gets to carry the hashit.

On-On,

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Next Hash

Date: July 31st

Hares: Buddha, Because He Can, Squirrel Bait, Cowpoke-Her

Start: South Lakes High School, Reston, VA

Directions: From 495: Take the Dulles Toll Road exit. Prepare yourself mentally to either part with .75 in American currency, or drive like a sumbitch through the toll plazas. Go 3 miles or so to Hunter Mill Road exit. Left at light after toll plaza on Hunter Mill. Welcome to Reston, as we locals like to say, "a planned community."

At second light take a right onto Sunrise Valley Drive. About half a mile to first light, go left onto South Lakes Drive. South Lakes High School is one half mile on right. Proceed up high school driveway. Do not provide tobacco products to minors. Park near Tennis Courts. Get out of your car and hash.

From Fairfax County Parkway: Go north to Reston. Take right onto Sunrise Valley Drive. Pass Reston Parkway. Pass Weihle Ave. Pass the Fairfax County Police cruiser waiting for you to exceed 40 mph. Next light take right onto South Lakes Drive. Follow above directions.

Runner.s trail, 3.5 miles. Walker.s trail, 1.5 miles.

Bring dry shoes and dry clothes, or wet shoes and wet clothes, depending on your preference.

Dogs? Yes, the more the better!

Strollers? yeah, but bring the one with good tires.

P.I ? somewhat likely, though avoidable for the wily. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

(Compliments (or is that Complements, stationary/stationery) of Buddha)

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