Kiss our patooties!

Now, how about them directions from the hares for this hash? They were actually reasonably understandable, unlike the feeble efforts of Three Times a Lady, Fly the Friendly Thighs, and John Handcock for the last hash. Maybe they learned direction writing right here at Drew Elementary. Maybe I’m anal. Anal? Who said anal? I’ll take some of that. (Joke. Sick.)

Speaking of anal, I get to the hash what I consider reasonably early, and who has been parked there for an hour even though they aren’t even planning to hash? Black Box of course. It’s 120 degrees, she’s wearing this coordinated "sand" or maybe "misty taupe" colored linen getup all decked out like she’s going on a hot date. She’s going to the friggin Orioles game. You ever heard of cutoffs and a t-shirt darlin?

The wankers gathered were definitely acting low energy due to the heat and the anticipation of running in it and a trail set by a notorious trail layer—Wankers Aweigh.

Circle Up was finally called and we did a lethargic Father Abe. The chiefs called walking and we were off. We walked out of the school parking lot and started looking for flour. The crowd got confused and for the next half our, confusion and milling were the hash themes.

Quick Drawers of course thought he had the inside scoop and took off where no man (or hash) had ventured. Most people did not follow. Blazing Straddle took off and in between whines about the trail was checking. Full of running desire from an upcoming marathon, Bramble Bush Checked down past the waterway. No hash in sight.

Finally, we all followed the path French Toasted had followed and unbelievably, found ourselves On-On. When On-On was called, a large pack of people, including Hawaiian Puke, Big Bird Turd, and Yes Dear headed back toward the start. We yelled On-On to the retreating crowd as loud as we could, but they either didn’t hear us, chose to blaze their own trail, or knew something we didn’t.

We came to another check and wandered around aimlessly whining about the heat and the trail. Finally, I spotted a check in a shopping center alcove, thus solving the check we were on, and for a couple of minutes, I was the FRB. Yes, I experienced the sweet taste of FRBdom until Blazing Straddle came blazing past and ruined my temporary world. If it ever happens again, I’ll trip her and show her no mercy as I run by and trample her.

We ran by lots of shops with onlookers dodging to keep from being overrun and then we were out to an intersection, joining another pack of hashers who showed up from who-knows-where. Stained Sheetz and Cheap Slut were directing the newly arrived hashers.

There were lots of exchanges about hashers who had gone back to the beginning because they couldn’t find trail. We said, in hash brotherhood and sisterhood,

Them,

Them,

F*ck them

Later, they would tell us about some great rope they shimmied down like Tarzan.

Hash led us onto a paved path and a slow moving pack was strung out single file for about half a mile with Fly the Friendly Thighs leading us to the first water stop. Those highly intelligent hashers carrying water bottles blew by the water stop to decipher the next section of trail.

We entered a cute Arlington neighborhood and had quite a bit of difficulty solving the next check. Of course somebody marked true trail going up a big hill so about 20 hashers were assembled at the top of the hill yelling On-On. We ran down several side roads that had no hash and of course cursed Wankers Aweigh for the fact that we chose the wrong direction. After several hashers came back from (they said) running by the home of Wankers Aweigh and Hot Legs and seeing no hash, we decided to go back to the check to see if we ran the wrong way. Duh! We did. So we went in the other direction and what the hell—we find true trail. We ran by several apartment complexes, across a major road, and into the woods to cross a creek that had a little water to spash ourselves with.

We soon found ourselves at a major intersection with a very large hill looming ahead. The pack was again strung out for about half a mile and walking SLOWLY. Hot Legs drove by offering rides but we were all feeling too proud to ride so kept crawling up the hill. We finally saw BEER NEAR and trail turned down a street toward the finish.

Dr. Strangelove was planted near the finish relaxing against a car reading. Was that his way of saying "boy ya’ll are slow"?

After washing ourselves off and getting something cold to drink, we were rewarded with really good corn, watermelon, and burgers to feast upon. Excellent corn.

10 minutes after the initial crowd came in, a 2^nd crowd of hashers came in claiming to be the only ones to have run the true trail. This crowd included Big Bird Turd and Diaper who whined for the next 10 minutes about trail with Ohfeelya Butts. Cry babies.

We drank to the hares for a shitty trail and then it was time to sacrifice the virgins to the gods of hashing. Our virgins were Cathy Gilmore (Gilmore Drink More), Eric Larsoal (Terrorized Virgin because he seemed overwhelmed by this hashing thing), and Marcos Piani (Romeo since he is from Verona, Italy—ya’ll read Romeo and Juliet didn’t ya?)

Violations were Yes Dear and Because He Can for being twins, Big Bird Turd, Diaper, and Ohfeelya Butts for whining, the hares for the freaking trail, Missing Link for leading us 1 mile into the wild blue yonder without flour, Hard Drive for being short enough to run upright in the tunnel, Santa Claus for having enough energy to run the hills in the heat—clearly he didn’t get laid this morning, and Cums in Three Courts for wearing a triathalon shirt.

The hashit was absent, although we are sure it is attached to its owner Cunning Runt as she is doing whatever she is doing instead of hashing, and we will make her drink twice for not showing up to run with us.

It began to pour, we sang Swing Low and parted for another week.

All said, an excellent hash.

On-On,

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Next Hash

Hares: Hairy Buddha, Cowpokeher, Squirrel Bait, BeCuz He Can

Start: South Lakes High School in Reston, VA

Directions: Take the Dulles Toll Road west to Hunter Mill Road. Exit at Hunter Mill Road and turn left at the end of the exit ramp onto Hunter Mill Road. Turn right onto Sunrise Valley Drive at the traffic light. Then turn left at the traffic light for South Lakes Drive. Go past the Shopping center and the lake on the righthand side of the road and watch for the school on your right. Park near the tennis courts located between the high school and Langston Hughes Middle School.

Dog Friendly.

Stroller not!

Poison Ivy-Of course.

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