MOUNT VERNON HASH HOUSE HARRIERS

If it ain't live, it ain't Mount Vernon!

Hash: #632

Date: August 28, 1999

Hares: Bite Me Elmo, Great Balls Of Fire, Does It For Free

Location: Middle of the World Park, Arlington, VA

The pack was assembling when I arrived at Middle of the World at 9:55. I was immediately accosted by Agua Nino: "I thought you said you were going to be here early?" Did he learn nothing in the year and a half we were roommates? My goal had been to arrive before Black Box, Mellow Foreskin Cheese, and others who had been at the prior night's Full Moon H3 to see if I could gauge the success of that hash from their appearance, but I had had too much fun myself to get up any earlier than I did. Butt Plug appeared to have had the most fun because she was sporting a boo boo on her pointer toe that would relinquish her to the MVH3 walking wounded, which still included Cunning Runt.

Perk-A-Set was wearing her photo ID badge in the registration line; does she wear that thing to bed? Who is she trying to impress? Leave It In Beaver was wearing a layer of flour on his sporty MVH3 1999 tank shirt, I guess that happens when you are too close the hares at 10:00 Saturday morning. Tore Ass was being his usual scribe's-best-friend by reporting multiple violations to we scribes before the trail even started, most of them involving his bride, Fire & Ice. He is scheduled to retire from the military this week and go into hashing full time, so we are expecting many trails from him in the future.

Did I mention that I am on page 1? I hated to bump Spinal Tap, but hey, you snooze you lose.

My buddy Just Ben was on trail again, this time with his mom, No Class. Ben was wearing what appeared to be new shot-size shoes, but we didn't make him drink for it. Not that he couldn't have done it, though, he looks like he is going to be quite the hasher. His dad, Steamer, has recently been promoted to Commander of Atlanta, so, as soon as he recaptures the city, he should be the one drinking the shots.

A pair of Arlington hashers that we hadn't seen for a while, S'Not and Ukhugh, put in an appearance. That will probably knock me back to page 2.

Following a brisk Father Abraham, the pack walked. After spending my summer with the MVH3 walkers, I was ready to rejoin the MVH3 runners, more or less, so I bid my walking buddies Black Box, OhFeelYa Butts, Screws Everybody, et als, farewell and sped off to reacquaint myself with the members of the other pack. Ed. note: Do not be misled into thinking that my rejoining the runners is a sign that summer is over; summer is not officially over until Geisha Boy reverts to Bad Dog.

The trail started innocently enough up a slight grade, along a wooded path. As we splashed across our first creek, Wilburr gave a blast his duck whistle (remind me to keep my distance from during hunting season). He announced that Fly The Friendly Thighs and Sticky Lips did not show today for fear of a birthday 'icing', and that he will bring ice every week until they return. Does anyone know when Wilburr's birthday is?

The next hill was in a residential neighborhood. I joined Bavarian Bush and Yes Dear for an easy glide up the slope, only to be blown off the road as Blazing Straddle blazed by us. At the crest: another hill.

I r*ced Hands Solo up the next little hill, and looked back to see Dr. Jekyll laboring along behind us. Yes, we flew along, solving checks and strutting our leadership prowess until we spied Dr. Strangelove, Hawaiian Puke and Perk-A-Set shortcutting way ahead of us to take the lead.

Soon I caught up with Pud Nocker, who is about to plight his troth with Nurse Crotchet. I wanted to get details about the upcoming nuptuals, but I could hardly get a word in edgewise, so I found Nurse Crotchet and got the scoop from her as we approached the water stop.

Back in the woods the flour was scarce, and chalk even more so. It was hard to find even a Poop Deck trail mark in the dense undergrowth. Fortunately I spied Put It Out in his iridescent shorts far up the next hill, and followed Beacon Butt until I was stopped by a rock in my shoe.

Why, you might ask, do I call it the Middle of the World? Because the entire trail was uphill, that's why. We started uphill, we ended uphill, and everything in between was uphill. Middle of the Underworld might be more appropriate. My hill-climbing butt muscles didn't stop hurting until Tuesday. My I have some cheese to go with my whine?

Bring on the hares! Bite Me Elmo, Great Balls Of Fire, and Does It For Free were honored for a most shitty trail. GBOF was singled out for personally forgetting to bring the 1.5 pounds of cream cheese to go with our bagels.

We had one virgin - Scott McCoy - who vehemently denied that he was a virgin, but we sacrificed him anyway.

Anniversarians were Angie Godejohn - 5; Leave It In Beaver and Hasher Formerly Known As - 15; Hawaiian Puke - 100; Black Box - 115; Hollow Point - 169; and Missing Link with 505. I have one question for Missing Link: this is hash # 632, WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU FOR THE OTHER 127 HASHES??

Visitors were Pulls It Out (WH4), Mount Dora, Yankee Doodle, Commando, Ghanarrea, Ho Blow, and our old pal Oral Presentation. Returners were Agua Nino, No Class, Debutwat, Wheels, and Tits Ahoy.

We had one naming: Spectacle Testicle was asked to defend his name, but GBOF, ego engorged from hare high, defended the name since it was his creation; Specticle Testicle stays.

Thanks to my network of snitches, there were lots of violations: Tore Ass - taking on hashing full-time; Beazer - for abbreviating her name on her trail marks to B'ZER which looks a lot like BEER which caused many in the pack to expect a BEER stop at each of the 15 or so B'ZER marks; Just Scott - water hog; Byte - new shoes!; Perk-A-Set - wearing office ID badge to hash; Full Metal Balls - was an hour late because his watch was still on central time; Hawaiian Puke & Put It Out - fashion statement; Oral Presentation - asked for light beer for his earlier down-down; and Dead Stick - hashing with a racing chip on shoe lace.

The hashit was with Ranger Dick who was too hungover to hash today. Since is an hangover an excuse to skip a hash? Hashit for life!

Whistle check, swing low, and we were off to see what kind of sale Big Bird Turd was holding in the back of his truck.

Hares: Harddrive & Lick It Off Baby

Start: Herndon VA

From the Beltway (495) take the Toll Road (Rt. 267) west

Take exit 10 - this is for Centreville Rd. (Rt. 657)

Turn left at light after paying toll.

Go 1/2 mile down Centreville Rd. and turn left onto McNair Farms Drive.

Take immediate right into shopping plaza.

Go to the end and park by the Southern Federal Bank.

Typical shiggy with PI, ticks and mud (if it actually rains).

The trail is not stroller friendly.

Gather your camping gear and head (who said head?) down to Tidewater September 17 - 19 for Virginia's 6th Interhash. For a registration form, contact Fart Master at fartmstr@erols.com. This is always a fun weekend folks, and they always have the best of beers.

TODAY is the first deadline for registering for the 6th Annual DC Area Red Dress Hash at the cheapo price. See Blank Check for a registration form. Buy him a beer and perhaps he'll extend the deadline... better yet, forget the beer, give him your check for $30.

For the latest MVH3 information, and links to all area hashes, visit Harddrive's web page: http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3/

If you still don't have internet access, get updates on area hashes on the hotline: (202) PUDJAM0, take option 6 for MVH3.