Hare Harddrive used a new "Hare tool" to carry his flour, thus endorsing Darwin’s Theory. He also whined a lot about his sprained ankle, which was a nice shade of maroon and would have coordinated well with his 1999 MVH3 sweats had he actually purchased a set. We followed flour and chalk, eventually passing through Lick It Off Baby’s new neighborhood. It was a long, thought-out trail, one you really needed to see to appreciate. So I’m not going to even try to describe it.

Circle was called, and the hares Lick It Off, Baby and Harddrive were brought forth in celebration of their shitty trail.

We had one Virgin, Sid, who wasn’t sure he was a virgin, did not register as a virgin, but we assured him he was, in fact, a virgin. Visitors were Velvet Tongue, Shit Heap, Transparent D, and 38 Long; Returners were Bad Bitch, Condomina, Goomba, Eat Me For Breakfast, Sweet Cheeks, Just Rick Avila, Roto Router, Lick It Off, Baby (and when one hare drinks…), Spread Sheets, and Snail.

Roughly 20% of the pack celebrated anniversaries: Hairy Palm Longfellow and Just Brian Fazzone – 5; Stool Sample – 15; Oral Presentation – 25; Because He Can – 45; Bite Me Elmo – 50; Big Bird Turd – 125; Willburr – 150; Bavarian Bush – 269; Dr. Strangelove 295; Byte – 325; and the leader of the get-a-life club: Quick Drawers – 405.

And another 20% violated: Oral Presentation – environmental; Wheels – late sign-in; Lick It Off, Baby – new house and new BMW; Bite Me Elmo – dissing the JM by telling him that he graduated high school before she was born; Eat Me For Breakfast – swinging on the playground swings in violation of his court order; Harddrive – new hare tool; Butt Plug – hot flashes; Roto Router and Little Guinea – teasing the scribe by casually tossing around the phrase "6 or 8 inches"; Dual Air Bags – no longer homeless (she lives at the rest stop on I-95); The Body – skipping today’s hash to get her hair done (drinking for her was Stool Sample); and the greatest violation of the day was those socks Duck Job wore.

Since there was no naming, we had a special down-down for the birthdays – Bite Me Elmo, GBOF, and, of course, Milk Money.

Since there was no hashit again, we had a virtual hashit. The obvious recipient was Duck Job, for when he removed those beautiful socks, he was sporting a darling sparkly pedicure. His down-down was real time.

Announcements, whistle check, pots off, hats on the ground, Swing Low, hit the road.

Hugs and kisses,

And now, YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN HASHING TOO MUCH WHEN:

You put on new shoes to go out to dinner and you worry about the Cinderella down-down that you'll have to do.

When stopped at a traffic light, you gaze longingly down into a storm sewer thinking "I wonder where that goes?"

You keep track of your hash run numbers as if they were the lottery winners.

Your big toe nails have creases in them.

You have no other friends who don't hash.

You don’t pause for wonder that you have 325 hashes and you are still not the leader of the get-a-life club.

You attend a performance by Denyse Graves, and can think only of the exquisite red dress she is wearing.

You have an uncontrollable desire to follow any markings on the pavement that resemble flour, finding yourself in strange parts of the city that even a hasher wouldn't be caught dead in ... then rolling a drunk for his beer....

You're in a meeting at work, talking about team leadership, someone mentions the head of the group, and you have to stifle "Head?! Who said head?"

You're talking about buying presents for the holidays and you suggest "Bite Me Elmo."

You visit the doctor, and he can't decide what to treat first: your black toe nails, your enlarged liver, or the nasty scar from your lobotomy.

You wake up naked, sticky and smelling like beer.

Your kids say, "Mommy, that runner dude is back".

You can't go shopping without noticing the Killer B colored items.

You have more red dresses than your wife.

You wake up in the middle of the night with the perfect idea for a full mOOn hash giveaway.

You start leaving the circle early because you've got to get to another hash.

You rearrange your Monday afternoon schedule to accommodate the location of the White House hash.

You rearrange your Tuesday afternoon schedule to accommodate the location of the Harriettes and Harriers hash.

You rearrange your Wednesday afternoon schedule to accommodate the location of the Great Falls hash.

When making travel plans, your staff knows that you would prefer to return across country on Friday night so you can hash on Saturday morning.

You start looking at stinky, sweaty, unwashed, muddy men and think, "Hey, he's kinda cute!"

When you’re driving and any wrong turn is proclaimed "bad trail."

You find yourself standing in plain view outside your car changing clothes at Safeway, and it isn't even for a hash.

Your girlfriend says you talk in your sleep, saying "RU? On On".

You get caught trespassing while topless sunbathing.

You give away your mother's 100-year old china to make room for all your Hashing anniversary mugs.

The lady at Price Club sees you every few weeks and knows you’re getting flour, beer, chips, and water.

You know not to waste your time going to 7-11 because they don’t carry flour, only Bisquick.

You need to leave your friends and loved ones and stay home with your family to rest up.

You can’t find any T-shirts suitable to wear out in public.

You live on a new farm and describe it to friends like this: "Yea, it's got several pastures, but the neat thing is there's some great shiggy on the far side of the property..."

You forget your nerd name.

Your spouse who doesn't hash tells you that "you have to get your priorities straight".

For two consecutive years, you celebrate Mother’s Days at an MVH3 AGM.

You sing "he's the meanest, he sucks the ……" to yourself at work.

You schedule your vacations to maximize the number of hashing events in which you can participate.

You know more people by the name of "Penis....", "Muff....", and "Lips...." than you do "Bob", "Jane", and "Tom".

You're whispering in your wife's ear during lovemaking and
mention she has a thousand flies swarming...

You look at people and think of what a good Hash name for them would be.

Your mom comments that the scars on your legs are scary looking.

The only reading material in your bathroom is a stack of back issues of the Hash Trash.

Your entire social calendar is set up so it doesn't conflict with a hash.

While singing "Happy Birthday" at a birthday party of young children you blurt out the hash lyrics.

You no longer notice Pussywhipped naked.

All your erotic fantasies involve the hashit.

Your vanity plate, your e-mail address, and your tattoos feature your hash name.

You show up at a Halloween Hash as Marv Albert wearing nothing but a pair of panties.

You encounter a beautiful, voluptuous woman sensually attired in a red dress, and your first impulse is to wonder how it would feel to wear the dress.

And finally:

You spend an hour at work composing replies on the office computer to the question "You know you've been hashing too much when . . . ."

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Next Hash

Hares: Full Metal Balls, Missing Link, Byte

Directions: From the north or south: Take I-95 to EXIT 163, (LORTON)

Go west onto Lorton Rd to first traffic signal.

Turn right onto Silverbrook Road, go approx. 2 miles and turn right onto Rocky Gap Road.

Look for Hashers on your left about 1/10 of a mile after the turn onto Rocky Gap. (park/hash).

Beazer says Dog Friendly, stroller tough............

For the latest MVH3 information, and links to all area hashes, visit Harddrive's web page: http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3/

If you still don't have internet access, get updates on area hashes on the hotline: (202) PUDJAM0, take option 6 for MVH3.

The 6^th Annual DC Red Dress Hash will be held Saturday, October 2. See Black Box or Blank Check for registration forms.

The next Full mOOn hash will be Friday, October 1, at the King Street Metro Station in Alexandria. The theme this month is "Cum Get Lei’d", wear Hawaiian attire.

Hash 637 - Oct 2^nd - Red Dress VI

Hash 638 - Oct 9^th - Dr. Strangelove - Octoberfest Hash

Hash 639 - Oct 16^th - See Dick Run

Hash 640 - Oct 23^rd - Roto and Harddrive

Hash 641 - Oct 30^th - Halloween Hash - Stained Sheets et al

Hash 642 – Nov 6^th – Veteran’s Day Hash – Stained Sheets et al

Joint Masters - Jaret "Yes Dear" Seiberg & Dave "Wankers Aweigh" Bertagnoli

Religious Advisor - Rich "Hawaiian Puke" Walker

Scribe/Subscribe - Carolyn "Latecomer" Sutherland & Samone "Perk-A-Set" Johnson

On-Sec - Barbara "Milk Money" Bredehoft

Hash Cash - Craig "Pudknocker" Puz

Hare Raiser - Tom "Three Times A Lady" Jones

Haberdasher/co-haberdasher - Mike "Dr Jekyll" Boyle & Heidi "Cunning Runt" Gerken

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