Who says Mount Vernon doesn't do road trips? The 644th hashing of Mount Vernon found us in the middle of the state, Fredericksburg, on the edge of civilization. A major advantage of hashing in Fredtown is the increased accessibility for our neighboring hashers in the southern region of the state. Six hashers from Tidewater - Cold Cuts, Fart Master, Little Richard, Chute Packer, Fairway Fairy, and Look Ma No Hands - had picked up a tip from RH3 that MVH3 was less inaccessible this weekend than most. Even Fucking Pesto Chicken from San Francisco had gotten MVH3 directions from the RH3 website. No RH3 wankers showed up, of course, but thanks to Jerry's Kid for the publicity.

FPC was not the only old-time MVH3 hasher in town for a holiday visit: Navel Jelly and his obsessive-compulsive buddy Just Brian were visiting from New Orleans. Some bearded Montana mountain man wearing a Ft. Eustis H3 T-shirt was wandering the parking lot, and it wasn't until Fire And Ice said that she had made him cum did anyone recognize her hubby Tore Ass, who apparently hasn't shaved since his retirement from the Army in August.

Despite his new name, Ass Wipe (oss WE pa) returned, wearing the same pants with the same skid mark that earned him his name the week before. His buddy Dazed And Confused was back as well, still unsure who or where he was, but he still had the hashit, bless his heart.

At the suggestion of Milk Money ("We have a lot of visitors and virgins, we really shouldn't lose them."), I seized the opportunity to deliver my first chalk sermon. As at least a dozen visitors, virgins, and backsliders gathered 'round the pulpit, I selected a nice piece of chalk recently removed from my neighbor's bathroom wall and proceeded to draw MVH3 markings for the parishioners. When I felt that they were sufficiently confused, I released them back to the pack in time for Father 'Abe.

Trail started innocently enough, we were nearly to the first check before confusion hit. I attribute this anomaly to the absence of Quick Drawers, which left only Poop Deck to lead the pack astray. At the first check I instinctively followed the visitors from Tidewater because I am all too familiar with the trail habits of highly defective MVH3ers.

As trail dove from wilderness pavement into woods, the call of "back check 10" came too late for Dual Air Bags, who caught a root with her dainty toe and pitched forward onto the forest floor. Fortunately, as they are designed to do, her air bags inflated on impact and she emerged with only minor injuries.

The walkers had lurked nearby until about this point. Black Box, Screws Everybody, Do Me Next Week, Hawaiian Puke (still recovering from his Yoga injury) and others were not seen again for a long time.

Back on trail I overtook virgin Just Brian who was sporting a T-shirt that read WANNA RIDE, which I most certainly did. The bastard dropped me. I wonder how many other innocent maidens have fallen for his pickup?

Iron woman Butt Plug and I plugged along with Put It Out until we reached a major highway marked only by VDOT and Big Lucy. As usual, Big Lucy was in the back of the pack with we coolest hashers of the leisurely pace because she had to drag Big Bird Turd along on his leash.

French Toasted blew by us.

We were checking by a creek when Pointless and Just Laurie joined us. Pointless marked the check forward after we heard Stained Sheetz bellow On On from a far patch of weeds. In what seemed like a flashback to the Roto Router hash a month ago, I found myself in the middle of nowhere running along with Hands Solo. We reminisced about that morning, when he and I were somehow separated from the pack on a trail where not a single freaking check was marked and we were finally saved by Spread Sheets, Do Me Next Week and Lick It Off, Baby. At least I was saved, he disappeared later on that trail and was not seen again until mid-circle. He later confided in me that if he had not heard that awful singing he would probably still be in some pasture out in Faquier County.

Also in my part of the pack was Kimo I Wanna Lay Ya and his friend Just Kimo. The two of them are from Kimoville, Hawaii, where everyone is named Kimo. There is no romantic strife in Kimoville because, in a moment of passion, there is no wrong name to shout.

French Toasted blew by us.

Late sign-in Blank Check and his furry friend Zoe joined us, finally, with some lame excuse about having to go to Mount Vernon (geographically) early that morning, and breaking the land speed record to get to Mount Vernon (the hash). Poor Zoe! I don't know what the deal is with Blank Check and his Zoe, but that dog - and I'm not making this up - has "puppy vaginitis". I've never heard of such a thing, but I'm getting a mental image that I just can't shake. BC, since you shared this news with us, please keep us informed of her convalescence, and rest assured you will have nothing but sympathy from your fellow hashers.

Some days it pays to be slow, this was one of them. We met Little Richard and Look Ma No Hands running toward us, with reports of a BT. We had to search to find and unmarked check, but we did and proceeded accordingly. At the next unmarked check Fart Master and I began to curse the FRBs, until we heard whistles way behind us, turned and saw Well Drilled and Blazing Straddle leading the pack our way. We were FRBs!

French Toasted blew by us.

We passed through a soon to be domestic neighborhood currently mud field, by a pond that proved to be too much temptation for Lucy, over our only on-trail creek for the day, and onto pavement. When Beer Near was spied, I convinced Fairway Fairy and Chute Packer to "run it in to make it look good", all uphill, to on-in.

Poop Deck and Cold Cuts arrived from the opposite direction, go figure. They still beat the whining walkers who were heard bitching about shortcut confusion before they were even seen.

There were fast-moving lines for seconds and thirds of beer, vegetable soup, microwaved Oreos, and even water.

As we waited for circle to start, I researched the source of the hash names of a couple of our visitors.

Little Richard: "I always wanted to be known for my big dick."

Look Ma No Hands is every parent's nightmare, as you will see. He had been at Camp Lejeune, NC, for training prior to a 6-month deployment. The weekend before leaving for his deployment, he and his girlfriend had a romantic encounter that, unbeknownst to him, she videotaped. When he returned the two of them spent a few days at a beach, where they took many scenic videos of themselve clothed. Later, during a visit with his parents, the horny couple sat before the VCR with the parents to view the "vacation" videos, but rewound the tape just a little too far, and started with the scene of the two of them doing the wild thing. The girlfriend is history, the disposition of the tape was not determined. Kinda makes you forget about that puppy vaginitis thing, doesn't it?

Finally Puke finished eating, circle was called, and hares Water Sport, Foul Balls, and Quick Drawers were made to drink for not only a shitty trail, but the only trail that QD has actually followed all year.

Having had a down-down lesson from the hares, virgins Kimo Wong, Brian Smith, and Grizzley Adams (who came with Kimo I Wanna Lei You, Heart On, and Fire And Ice, respectively), downed their own.

Anniversaries: Kimo I Wanna Lei You - 35; B'Cuz He Can - 50; Heart On - 55. And we all had to watch as Do Me Next Week demonstrated the kind of knot she uses to tie up B'Cuz He Can at home. Get a room!

Visitors and Returners, in no particular order, sort of blended together: Blind Rahooh, Fairway Fairy, Little Richard, Look Ma No Hands, Just Brian Smith, Jesus Ramirez, Cumz-N-Goes, Cold Cuts, Chute Packer, Dippy, Bump N' Gump, Lobster Lips, Fart Master, Heart On, Just Frank, Fucking Pesto Chicken, and Navel Jelly. No one had seen Blind Rahooh since he ran past the On In much earlier, so he has an outstanding down-down to do.

Violations: Dual Air Bags - day tripping; Big Bird Turd - can't open his mouth (in his case not really a violation, but noteworthy nonetheless); Rutro and Blank Check - Latecummer wannabees; Tore Ass - Big Bird Turd wannabee; Cold Cuts - blaming the Fartmobile for Fart's tardiness; hares - no refreshments on trail; Just Brian - obsessive-compulsive disorder when around Dual Air Bags and Milk Money; Just Frank - dropped me the bastard!; and B'Cuz He Can, Cheap Slut, Cork Screwed, Cums In 3 Courts - racing shirts.

The hashit, Dazed And Confused, didn't speak, probably out of fear of saying the wrong thing again and taking the hashit back home with him. Nominations for hashit were Big Bird Turd and his twin Tore Ass, for alcohol abuse, and the absent Wankers Aweigh, whose wife, when extended a special invitation to this week's hash, said "Hope that Wankers gets that carport shaped up before Saturday or you won’t see him … wish him luck." Wankers overwhelmingly will get the hashit, but, since he was at home under the watchful eye of Hot Legs, GM Cheap Slut graciously accepted it and will pass it along.

Black Box made her announcement, whistles were checked, Low was Swung, and we were dismissed for the week.

So there we were, standing around drinking beer, waiting for rides back to our cars, when a fire truck pulled up, and Blind Rahooh hopped out to join us. Most of us naturally thought he had gotten really really lost when he sprinted past the On In, and had been found and returned by the fire department. But in reality he is a volunteer firefighter and had foregone the circle to attend to a bedroom fire - now there's a story - in the neighborhood, so he had hitched a ride on the truck on its way out. Knowing his priorities, he had the driver drop him back off where he was sure to find beer.

Gratuitous mention: French Toasted for giving me a ride to my car; Butt Plug for feeding me at the on-in; Yes Dear for writing last week's Trash, Big Bird Turd for delivering this week’s Trash.

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Next Hash

Date: December 4th

Hares: Hawaiian Puke

Start: Glasgow Middle School, Annandale

Directions:

From DC, take I-395 S to Rt. 7 – King Street Exit towards Baileys Crossroads; turn south on Columbia Pike towards Annandale; after about 1.5 miles, turn left on Fairfax (1^st left after Lake Barcroft Dam); at the T, follow Fairfax to the right; continue to Glasgow M.S. on left.

From beltway, take exit 6 – Little River Turnpike East toward Annandale; after a mile, turn left on Columbia Pike (1^st left after Ravensworth); after about 3 miles, turn right on Fairfax; at the T, follow Fairfax to the right; continue to Glasgow M.S. on left.

ADC 16 D-12

For the latest MVH3 information, and links to all area hashes, visit Harddrive's web page: http://www.dchashing.org/mvh3

If you still don't have internet access, get updates on area hashes on the hotline: (202) PUDJAM0, take option 6 for MVH3.

Receeding hareline presented in large print for the benefit of Cums In 3 Courts, who thought I was supposed to be the hare last week:

Hash 648 – Dec 18^th - Well Drilled Dry Hole

Hash 649 – Dec 24^th – Screws Everybody and Poop Deck

Hash 650 – Dec 31^st – Mismanagement – First hash of the millennium

MVH3 White Elephant Hash is December 11; route through your basement, garage, attic, or refrigerator to find a fitting gift to exchange! As always, remember your scribes this holiday season!

DC Full mOOn H3 Credit Where Credit Is Due Hash - December 17.

Jingle Balls Hash - 3PM December 11 in Williamsburg with Tidewater, Ft. Eustis, and Richmond.

New Year's Eve Party/Hash - December 31. There is a limit of 100 tickets, and 78 have already been sold, so you'd better hurry!

MVH3 is breaking with its recent trend and not holding the Spring Fertility Hash on Mother's Day weekend, but rather April 29 & 30 in Hagerstown, MD. More information as the event approaches. Let us get through New Year's Eve first, OK?

November 10, 1999

A size 8 Asics Gel 110 was reunited with its other half in Reston tonight after spending four harrowing nights under a bench near Mr. Days Sports Bar. "I’m not sure when they were separated," said who wearer Three Times A Lady (3X). "One minute I was drinking out of it, the next minute I was hopping across the corner at 23^rd & L with one shoe on."

A list of potential suspects was developed after the FBI released a profile of potential shoenappers. The profile described a male with reason to wear only one shoe, which would result in excessive wear and tear to that shoe. This, in turn, would lead the shoenapper to need replace only the worn shoe. Additionally, the shoenapper could be a Cheesehead who hung around Mr. Days.

One potential suspect was Stained Sheetz, who had recently undergone a leg graft and thus would favor one leg. Sheetz attempted to shield himself by broadcasting a "Missing Shoe" notice on the MVH3 distribution list, but he was only eliminated as a suspect when it was determined that he had continued to wear two shoes during his convalescence, and because of the Cheesehead thing.

Attention was then shifted to Mellow Foreskin Cheese, who fit both categories of the profile, but insufficient evidence was available to warrant an arrest.

Several witnesses were questioned, and it was finally a tip from Harddrive ("some idiot left one shoe on the deck at Mr. Day’s") that paid off. 3X returned to the scene, and located his shoe.

The shoe’s absence had caused much concern for 3X, who had grown attached to the pair. 3X summed up his experience "I guess from now on I’d better drink from both shoes."

Joint Masters - Jaret "Yes Dear" Seiberg & Dave "Wankers Aweigh" Bertagnoli

Religious Advisor - Rich "Hawaiian Puke" Walker

Scribe/Subscribe - Carolyn "Latecomer" Sutherland & Samone "Perk-A-Set" Johnson

On-Sec - Barbara "Milk Money" Bredehoft

Hash Cash - Craig "Pudknocker" Puz

Hare Raiser - Tom "Three Times A Lady" Jones

Haberdasher/co-haberdasher - Mike "Dr Jekyll" Boyle & Heidi "Cunning Runt" Gerken

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