I arrived at Glasgow Middle School Saturday morning to find that I was joining not the Mount Vernon Hash, but the Marines. About two dozen youngsters clad in green camouflage had lined up by a bus, and were the recipients of a polite speech barked by an adult clad in identical green camouflage. The 10-year-old brother of one such youth informed me that I was observing the Young Marines, that he was too young to join, that he is too young for middle school but will be old enough next year, that he likes the Redskins and not the Cowboys, etc. That kid made Big Bird Turd look mute. Then I had to explain to him why Monkey Piss had dyed his hair to match his shirt, "Think of him as a chameleon," I advised the young man, "and never attempt the same."

Pud Knocker called all visitors and virgins for a chalk talk. During his brief lesson, it was observed that a hare, Flying Burrito, was one of his students. This was pointed out to the pack, and all were urged to use lots of chalk on the trail because there was no telling what if any hare marks we would find.

Bite Me Elmo and I were selected as most talented and least likely to screw up leading role in Father 'Abe, and we proved the judges correct. We were once again graced with the presence of our very own ho, Byte, so the song returned to the old lyrics. This despite all the Army - Navy crap going on in the circle, now 1:45 before kick-off.

Despite the murmuring by Pulls Out Early and Cums in 3 Courts of suspected presetting, the runners started walking in the direction taken by the hares. The walkers, in a rare opportunity to snare a hare, followed Flying Burrito. I could not decide which trail to follow, and allowed Butt Plug to talk me into the runners' trail, a move I came to regret. But then again, I regret running most trails that are not my own (which are flawless in every aspect).

That Army - Navy thing had brought out a few uniforms we hadn't seen for awhile - Coffee Tea or Me, Diaper, and Lazy Mother Fucker don't normally roll out of bed on Saturdays until long after Mickey's hands are both pointing north.

I started out with Well Drilled Dry Hole and Butt Plug, the three of us chatting about our holiday plans, along with our plans for the MVH3 Millennium party. An early check by a creek had convinced us to stay on dry land, despite the short cutting through the creek we were witnessing. Dicksickle entertained us by falling down.

As trail went up to the right, I spied a dry-ish route across the creek down to the left, and opted for the lower trail and abandoned flour. Finding no flour on my own trail, I turned to rejoin the pack, only to find Loan Shark hot on my heels. While weighing our options, Hollow Point and Luci, pulling Big Bird Turd along on his leash, blew past us and soon squealed with delight at the discovery of flour. As I sprinted along with Loan Shark, he shared with me a secret from Cheap Slut's wife, Cheap Date - when Cheap Slut doesn't hash, he gets cranky, which is one of the many reasons she encourages him to hash.

We followed flour through briars to water, where Corkscrewed caught up and led us under Columbia Pike and up to a dam. Then Corkscrewed led us back under Columbia Pike, through briars, and back uphill in time to see 3 Times A Lady and Blazing Straddle rounding the curve ahead of us. Bramble Bush and Cheap Slut passed me so quickly I was unable to confirm the Loan Shark's tip.

Following trail left off Columbia Pike along Blair Road, we came to Pulls Out Early's house, where he was holding an impromptu beer stop in the front yard. Dicksickle shared his beer with me, and we discussed strategy for the remainder of the trail: follow flour. 14K provided us with a lesson in how to shotgun a beer, as Pulls Out Early's wife and daughter cheered from the front porch.

Back on trail, we came upon an empty beer carton by which some thirsty wanker had written "beer stop". Ha! That's what they get for being FRBs!

As I ran along with long time no see-er 14K Cock, he told me of his foreign travels to Japan and New Jersey. After watching me stop to draw several puny arrows with LC alongside, the ever creative 14K Cock invented a Latecummer pack arrow, which looks something like this:

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You will see a lot of this arrow on trail from this day forward, at least you will if you are slower than I am. Thanks, 14K!

We ran along with Nurse Crotchet and Coffee Tea or Me, looking for flour or chalk, finding only Poop Deck and Quick Drawers marks, which offered us no comfort. Nurse C was raving about her new laundry man, and about how he does all her laundry, even washed her new cashmere sweater. Nice try, Pud, but she's too smart to fall for that trick!

We knew we were on true when we came face to face with the walkers. Yep, they were heading in the opposite direction, Black Box, OhFeelYa Butts, Red Snapper, and Mellow Foreskin Cheese. Nurse C pointed out MFC, marching along, swinging his cane acting cool in general, which just didn't sit well with her. A scuffle ensued, she emerged with the cane, and danced down the street, pumping the cane in the air, yelling: "Look at me, I'm raising cane!"

Hearing rumors that we were at roughly the half-way point of the trail, Nurse C, Coffee Tea or Me, and I joined with the walkers. We had lots of company in our category, Bavarian Bush, Milk Money, and Yank Me Out were also converted walkers. The solo holdout was Slip Knot, and we bade him farewell as he continued with the trail.

Black Box was following a map supplied by the hares, but with one drawback: few street names were apparent. Plus the fact that the map kept shifting around in a plastic sleeve, the trail was drawn on the plastic and not the map, the trail was not necessarily over the correct unnamed streets, and there was lots of whining.

We followed the LC arrows backwards for a few blocks, and intersected with Spread Sheets, and Continental Drip, who joined us for the final approach into the woods where we were greeted by the FRBs and cold beer.

The food arrived before the bags did, which afforded plenty of opportunity for Big Bird Turd and Lazy Mother Fucker to frolic in the leaves as what started as a mere public display of affection turned into foreplay. Next week, boys, GET A ROOM!

Following a large serving of chili, cornbread, brownies, and beer, after much screaming and name-calling Yes Dear brought the circle together.

First, hares Hawaiian Puke, Flying Burrito, Granny Boulders, and Just Somebody drank for their trail. Then the leaders clipboard was handed off to Hawaiian Puke to call up:

Anniversarians: Bullshit - 5; Monkey Piss and Vominatrix - 15; Well Drilled Dry Hole - 25; Black Box - 125; Yes Dear - 150; Spread Sheets 205; Full Metal Balls - 215; Wankers Aweigh - 269 (and no Hot Legs to assist him!); Dr. Strangelove - 305; and the granddaddy of them all: Hard Drive - 369.

The solo virgin (unless you count Big Apples, who couldn't decide if she was a virgin or not) was Scott Cottrell.

Next up were visitors: Sabina Blackburn, Hare Pie, Big Apples (again, questionable), and Boob Tube.

Returners: Lazy Mother Fucker, Flying Burrito, Yes Dear, Bullshit, Yank Me Out, Bramble Bush, Hymen Dickover, Diaper, Coffee Tea or Me, Barney's Bitch, Turn Your Head and Cough, S'Not, Fussy Bitch, Spread Sheets, Continental Drip, Bavarian Bush, Byte Lightning, Granny Boulders, and 14K Cock. (Milk Money must have gotten writer's cramp from writing all those names!)

Violations: Dicksickle - day tripping; Lazy Mutha Fucker - ordered me to "hold this" and it was only his beer (and a Bud Light, at that); Butt Plug - dabbing chili perfume behind her ears; Fire and Ice and Luci - environmentals, drinking for Luci: Big Bird Turd; Well Drilled Dry Hole - butt hashing (ask Wankers, he was too overcome to describe it to me, just kept drooling); Nurse Crotchet - raising cane; Holiday Ho - already sent out her Christmas cards, drinking for Holiday Ho: the MVH3 Ho, Byte; Dual Air Bags - being too quiet (whoever reported her for that obviously did not spend much time with her); Big Apples - didn't know if she was a visitor or virgin. Non-violations that deserverd recognition: 14K Cock for designing a pack symbol for me; Pulls Out Early for hosting an impromptu beer stop!

Birthdays: Hawaiian Puke and Granny Boulders (hares), and, of course, Milk Money.

The hashit (B'Cuz He Can) wished to speak, we could hardly shut him up. He finally let us get on to nominations, but it didn't matter because Nurse Crotchet was the obvious winner with that "raising cane" activity. Even a late arrival by Heart On and Just Frank could not wrest the hashit from Nurse Crotchet. Missing Link, however, could. One would think that the hasher with the most MVH3 hashes would know better that to ask for a close inspection of the hashit, but he did, and could not rid himself of it. Until my bud, Mr. Gratuitous-Mention-of-the-Week 14K Cock, kindly accepted the burden (he indicated that he had special plans for it, I suppose he returned from Japan to some sort of plumbing problem).

Announcements, whistle check, Swing Low, another down-down for Nurse Crotchet, and we were booted out for another week.

Additional gratuitous mention of the week: Big Bird Turd

On On!

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Next Hash

Date: December 18, 1999

Hares: Well Drilled Dry Hole

Start: Behind the Omni Shoreham hotel (28th

Directions: From VA

--best route is to take the Rock Creek Pkwy from the memorial or Roosevelt Bridge.

--From the Memorial Bridge,

--go over the bridge in the right lane, take a right to loop back under the bridge.

--After going under the bridge get in your far left lane and you are on the Rock Creek Pkwy.

--Drive 2 to 4 miles to the Connecticut Ave. exit. (left exit)

--Left at 1st light onto Calvert Street

--Pass one light and the Omni Shoreham and take a left immediately after the hotel onto 28th Street (no sign and no light, but there is a left turn lane).

--28th terminates in Rock Creek Drive. Park anywhere on 28th or Rock Creek Drive.

--From the Roosevelt, take left exit toward E street, stay left toward Whitehurst and Rock Creek, Left at fork, Right at Light ontoVA Ave, Right at light onto Pkwy. Follow above from Conn Ave exit.

--Coming over any other bridge, take your best Route to Conn. Ave, go north, Left on Calvert just over the Taft Bridge. Go through two lights, left on 28th (no sign and no light, but there is a left turn lane).

From Maryland

Beach Drive is closed on weekends, so take your best Route to Connecticut, Drive South to Calvert.

--Right on Calvert.

--Go through two lights and take a left on 28th immediately after hotel.

--28th terminates into Rock Creek Drive. Park on 28th or Rock Creek Drive.

For the latest MVH3 information, and links to all area hashes, visit Harddrive's web page: http://www.dchashing.org/mvh3

If you still don't have internet access, get updates on area hashes on the hotline: (202) PUDJAM0, take option 6 for MVH3.

Hash 649 – Dec 24^th – Screws Everybody and Poop Deck

Hash 650 – Jan 1^st – New Millennium!

December 15, there will be an MVH6 at Clarendon Grill, usual start time of 6ish.

On Jan. 1, the MVH3 10:00 AM hash will be at 12:01 AM, please note the time change. Also, the price is $50, due today, pay Milk Money.

MVH3 is holding the Spring Fertility Hash April 29 & 30 in Hagerstown, MD. More information as the event approaches.

Pan-Iberian Hash September 8 – 10 celebrates Madrid’s 1000^th hash, see Pay Per View for details.

DC Full mOOn H3 Credit Where Credit Is Due Hash - December 17. Directions:

MVH3 Online community:

Joint Masters - Jaret "Yes Dear" Seiberg & Dave "Wankers Aweigh" Bertagnoli

Religious Advisor - Rich "Hawaiian Puke" Walker

Scribe/Subscribe - Carolyn "Latecomer" Sutherland & Samone "Perk-A-Set" Johnson

On-Sec - Barbara "Milk Money" Bredehoft

Hash Cash - Craig "Pudknocker" Puz

Hare Raiser - Tom "Three Times A Lady" Jones

Haberdasher/co-haberdasher - Mike "Dr Jekyll" Boyle & Heidi "Cunning Runt" Gerken

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