What a beautiful morning! The sun is out, the mercury is rising, the day is too nice to spend it hashing, especially a Put It Out trail. His trails take it up the ass (that's a term I learned while hashing in New Zealand). I'm jet-lagged anyway, so I'm just going to stay in bed. Y'all get a life!

On On,

Perk-A-Set

Run: #660

Date: March 4, 2000

Hares: Put It Out, Lazy Mutha F*cka, Cumbaya

Location: Big K Mart, Fairfax

Who are all these people? During the three weeks of MVH3 I missed there must have been 50% turnover; lots of new faces, and several of the familiars are missing. On top of it all, this is a Put It Out trail, so we're bound to lose a few more this morning, especially if the creek is up.

Hawaiian Puke broke up my private party to have me lead Father Abe, I guess he must have missed me. (Who are these people?)

Soon we were walking. Even after the first check, we were walking. What's up with the trail? Whose marks are these? Certainly not MVH3, unless that also changed in my absence. After finding traces of flour in many directions, even when there was no check, we finally decided on crossing the most heavily traveled street as the best option.

Then it hit me: the usual FRBs were missing! Where were Byte, Jekyll, Cunning Runt? Put It Out, Lazy Mutha F*cka (OK, we knew their fate), French Toasted? There was only one thing to do: assume the mantel of FRBship! Not that this was a r*ce, or anything. Being at the back of the pack already, I began my struggle through the mass of hashers.

I tried to recruit Loan Shark and his understudy, Cheap Slut, to sprint along with me, but CS was too busy celebrating having remembered to bring the hashit back after hogging it for several weeks, and LS was trying to identify all the flotsam that was dangling from it.

I nearly tripped over Barney's Bitch, who had stopped to admire a bitchin' antique auto with "Barney's B" emblazoned on the fender. I think I know who's taking the hashit home today.

Harddrive and Spread Sheets were almost trampled as they stopped to read the pack markings at a check near an elementary school. I paused to draw one of the day's rare "LC" marks, created by 14K Cock, as we were crossing what would be the last of the hardtop surfaces on this trail.

Nearby was the sound of rushing water, or heavy traffic, I can't always tell the difference. It was both. The much anticipated tunnel came into view, but no one was in it. In fact, I spotted Fly The Friendly Thighs and Drive Thru crossing the I66 entrance ramp just overhead. When I saw the depth of the water I understood their decision - depth in tunnel 3", depth getting to tunnel 3'. Stained Sheetz was seen exiting the tunnel on the other side. He may cross Metro tracks, but he draws the line at an interstate entrance ramp.

Next tunnel was for climbers as well as spelunkers: two successive 5' drops just to get to the stinking water. Not a problem for hash hound Zoe, who dragged Blank Check down with her. Did I say water? Petroleum sludge was more like it. PIO described it in an email to me (as he rode the hare high): "Those ultra sensitive and health conscious hares made sure that we sliced our legs up on briars AFTER going through the leech infested tunnel, not before." Leeches? Perhaps mutant leeches, nothing could live in that water. Deep, too; I thought of Milk Money and hoped she had her waterwings. Poop Deck displayed chivalrous valor by assisting many of us down into the depths of the sludge, which gave me a chance to pass him.

The entrance to the next tunnel was similar to the first, with the addition of rungs along one side for those who did not wait for Poop Deck to emerge from the first tunnel and help with the second. Fire & Ice descended first, probably glad she had not brought Roscoe; Zoe, and maybe Beazer, were the only hounds still on trail.

Nasty! Penis.com returned to the second tunnel to retrieve his mother and carry her to dry ground. I hope that made up for all the nasty things she said about him for bringing her along on this, um, picnic.

While we were up to our butts in fun, Dr. Strangelove, Big Bird Turd, Luci, and Stained Sheetz went shopping at Fair Oaks Mall.

More woods, less mud, time to accelerate. A crafty shortcut put me ahead of Snot and Turn Your Head And Cough. Beer Near! Only Dual Air Bags and Wankers Aweigh were keeping me from the On In; the peaceful hash turned into an all-out sprint to the end. Who was going to be the first one to finish? Dual Air Bags, by a … by a … oh hell just bring me a beer.

After much whining from certain veteran hashers, Hawaiian Puke circled the smelly crowd and called the smelly hares to drink for their smelly trail. And drink they did, twice, for the circle wanted blood. When the thirst was quenched, anniversaries were recognized: GBOF - 35; Three Times A Lady - 125; Poop Deck - 295; Blank Check - 385; and a frequent leader of the Get-A-Life Club -> Missing Link - 525.

Next were the virgins who didn't turn at the first tunnel and run home : Patrick Joseph (brother of hare, he had no choice), Nick Joseph (ditto), Leslie Geschwardner, and Jeff Boldoc. Visitors were Running Eagle, She's Not Heavy She's My Lover, Back Snatch, Never Saw Him Coming, Fag, and George Obertubbesing (swears that's his real name, how many of you believe that?).

Returners were Penis, Ruined It For Dad (shows up for every and only PIO trails, can you say "groupie"?), Cheri Smith, Tim Christenson, Tip Her Whip Her, $50 Bitch, Fly The Friendly Thighs, Pork Me The Other White Meat, KY Belly, Barney's Bitch, Heat Seeking Moisture Missile, Drive Thru, Bite Me Elmo, GBOF, and four Interhashing Tasmaniacs: Ranger Dick, Late Cummer, Big Bird Turd, and Quick Drawers.

In the naming department, $50 Bitch, Deposits In The Rear, and Nippless Cage kept their names.

Violations: Da hares, of course; 14K - split his shorts and said he needed "a bitch to sew them up"; Quick Drawers - stashed a beer in his bag and drank a Diet Coke; Deposits In The Rear - hashing with a poofter dog; Blank Check - giving his wife a whistle for the whistle check then taking it back when she wasn't looking; Duck Job, GBOF, and Missing Link - environmentals (that's a double for GBOF- get a kidney!); One Tit - encouraged hares to have "tunnels, more tunnels"; Penis.com - carrying his mother through a tunnel; Cheap Slut - wife Cheap Date told him not to bring the new car to a hash because the car is "too nice for hashing", but he brought it today because Cheap Date was not home; Holy Tit - whining about the start time; Hot Legs - trail poetry: "this water's up to my you-know-what (rhymes with _____); Loan Shark - general principle; $50 Bitch - didn't want to get shoes wet; all the hashers who dashed across I66 (dumb shits); and finally Fag - because I like to shout "Fag!" in a crowd.

There was a free-for-all for the hashit, which Cheap Slut had so generously returned to the hash in his new car. First there was Cheap Slut, just out of force of habit. The hares, the I66 sprint team, and Big Bird Turd because he bore a striking resemblance to bride groom Richard Rockwell on some TV show called "Who Wants To Marry A Mental Case" that aired while I was away at Interhash. The winner: Big Bird Turd, who for the period of two weeks has been renamed to Dick Cockwell.

Hugs & Kisses,

LC

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Next Hash

Date: 18 Mar 00, 1000, $4 <-- can you say "X-military" hasher?

Hares: Nurse Crotchet, Dr Strangelove, Pudnocker

Directions: From 395, exit onto Seminary Road West. At the second light, turn left on Beauregard St. Go about one-half mile, turn right on Rayburn Ave, and take the first right into an office parking lot (sign says 1500 Beauregard), across the street from Giant Foods.

Dog Friendly

Stroller Unfreindly

ADC Map: 16-13F

For the latest MVH3 information, and links to all area hashes, visit Harddrive's web page: http://www.dchashing.org/mvh3

If you still don't have internet access, get updates on area hashes on the hotline: (202) PUDJAM0, take option 6 for MVH3.

Hash 664 – April 1^st – Mystery

Hash 665 – April 8^th – ?

Hash 666 – April 15^th – Holy Tit

Hash 667 - April 22^nd - ?

Hash 668 – April 28^th – AGM

Hash 669 – April 29^th – AGM

Hash 670 - New Mismanagement!

MVH3 AGM is the weekend of April 27 - 29. For a registration form, see the Joint Masters or go to the web page. Be sure to reserve a room early, mention Mount Vernon to get our room discount. A couple of the staff there appear a product of inbreeding, so be sure to get a confirmation number for your room. Rego:

http://www.dchashing.org/mvh3/agm2000.html

Joint Masters - Jaret "Yes Dear" Seiberg & Dave "Wankers Aweigh" Bertagnoli

Religious Advisor - Rich "Hawaiian Puke" Walker

Scribe/Subscribe - Carolyn "Latecomer" Sutherland & Samone "Perk-A-Set" Johnson

On-Sec - Barbara "Milk Money" Bredehoft

Hash Cash - Craig "Pudknocker" Puz

Hare Raiser - Tom "Three Times A Lady" Jones

Haberdasher/co-haberdasher - Mike "Dr Jekyll" Boyle & Heidi "Cunning Runt" Gerken

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