Being this weekend was designated as the “Spring Fertility Hash”, it was appropriate that we finally got to experience a Spring day this year.  As we arrived, the sun was brilliantly shining, the sky was a magnificent, cloudless shade of blue, and the surrounding landscape of Hagerstown picturesquely painted in greens, pinks, and yellows – and then from across the maddening crowd I heard someone break out into a tune reminiscent of Julie Andrews in “A Sound of Music”….

¯    ¯ “The hills are alive, with the sound of On-On” ¯   ¯

I guess it was appropriate that this cacophonic crooning was coming from Loan Shark – who had again been deemed for like the 7th year in a row as the notorious and ubiquitous May Queen.  I guess LS just got a little too excited about getting to keep his crown and have another year’s reign and tyranny over the little people.  Little does he know that the May Queen was actually the Queen of Hearts’ cousin’s niece’s rival for the thrown after the infamous War of the Roses (hence the relation to spring, flowers, and fertility).  And, we all know what the Queen of Hearts wanted to do to poor Alice in Wonderland.  So, “Off With his Head!!!!”  Yeah, and, I’ll take some of that - as long as it’s a fertility weekend.

Oh, and, and as long as we’re back on the topic of fertility… as I arrived on Saturday morning, I seemed to have missed a whole lot of fertile actions occurring during the pub crawl the night before.  But, fortunately, hashers are resoundingly resplendent in acting fertile.  I just wasn’t expecting to see so much of it from the dogs.  Mellow Foreskin Cheese was giving us his demonstration of his Father Abraham “heave-ho”, which I think got Blank Check’s and Steamer’s dogs way too excited and they got into a little heated dog discussion – leaving MFC in the middle of the fight and clammering to protect his unmentionables – so they wouldn’t become unmentionables.  Since there were so many dogs at this hash, obviously this was not the only encounter during the day.  And, when Drag Queen yelled out “Is there anyway we can get these dog owners closer together?”, the canine tension petered down (so to speak) a bit.

But, there was still lots of lust and love in the air to entertain us.  Dr. Jekyll was using his most persuasive lines and lots of big words to try to convince Cunning Runt and Night Crawler to help him out with something.  I’m not quite sure what he was wanting them to do, but I did hear him say “It tastes just like sugar.”  And, shortly before Father Abraham started, Pudnocker claimed his love and restated his vows to Nurse Crotchet and Blank Check and Rutro gave each other a “parting, see you at the end of the hash, honey” kiss.

Soon, the pack was off and running through the quaint little town of BillyBob Hager – who I think must have been related to Andy and Opie Taylor and Aunt Bee cause Hagerstown seemed too similar to Sheriff Andy’s and Deupty Fife’s whistle-stop homeland.  After passing a couple laudromats and the local “Sip ‘n Dip”, we passed Elvis Presley Blvd.  Mellow Foreskin Cheese (who was actually on the runner’s trail today) announced that he is was only running for another 50 feet.  I guess since he figured we’d run all the way to Tennessee, birthplace of The King, he had put in his running for the year.  As we made our way off of the streets and into some local’s backyard, I found Great Balls of Fire and Diaper helping themselves to some little girl’s trampoline.  They started explaining to me how it was OK because trampolines were good & there was this great TV show (“The Man Show”) with scantily dressed women jumping on trampolines and this guy serenades their jumping with hash songs.

After stopping to see Bite Me Elmo rush in to the port-a-potty and exposing Full Metal Balls in mid-pee, I was unable to cross over on the makeshift bridge on the little stream since Major Disappointment had just BROKE it!  We ran around the local park for a bit in massive amounts of confusion trying to find true trail – I think some of the men just wanted to check out the Little League game (can’t you men get away from sports for even an hour to hash?!?) because a harriette had to solve the check.  As we all resumed running on the CORRECT trail through the local landfill (PEW!), I learned that Pudnocker must now be paying Nurse Crotchet for services rendered as I heard him exclaim to Wankers Aweigh, “Finally, I just had to give her the money and off we went.”  I guess that’s not as bad as what Blank Check revealed to me – as we were admiring a local Hagerstown form, he made note that he definitely liked “old and flat better than curves and bumps in the front.”  After stripping off a layer, Bite Me Elmo announced “I’m ready!!!” which turned the noggins of a few hashers (and a local or two).  About ten minutes later I see BME emerging from some shrubberies yelling “I just swallowed!  And, I’m a vegetarian.”   Hmmm, do I smell sex on trail????

After the beer stop we progressed onto some good shiggy, PI and mud, as Oil of Nolay, who was back with us for the weekend from Atlanta, revealed to me his recipe for a great hash.  “Spontaneous nudity”, he drawled out.  “We’ve been taken care of all of our young lives by public services and we have a duty to give back to society by providing the hash with nakedidity.”  He doted on about this topic for quite awhile which made me think that he had been away from the hash & Fussy Bitch for waaaaay too long.  I soon came upon Nurse Crotchet in a beautiful field of PI giving a First Aid lesson.  She was describing a local remedy for avoiding PI – she educated us to “just look for the ones with the long red shaft.”

Not long after, the trail ended and we were all enjoying a cold beer in the progressively warmer weather – which caused many a hasher to strip.  And, being the first sunning of the year for many, it was definitely a little premature stripping.

Once the circle was loosely brought to a start (everyone was still wanting to enjoy the sunshine and were sprawled out on the picnic tables sunning their shirtless, ghostly white bodies) by Hawaiian Puke for his last circle as RA, the hares, Yes Dear and 3 Times a Lady, (2 of our outgoing mismangement) were called in for the traditional what a shitty trail down-down.  Not everyone though it was shitty, though – Bite Me Elmo actually thought it was a great run because there were lots of bathrooms provided.  There were no virgins on this hash (heck, it’s a fertility weekend, so I guess everyone’s getting some action), so instead Blank Check and Steamer were made to drink because of their dogs trying to get it on before, during, and after the hash.

Visitors were Fotogroper (don’t know his home hash as I never even saw him coming, oooh! I mean come into the circle to drink) and Drag Queen from the Titsburgh Hash.  Returners were Night Crawler, Fire & Ice, Flying Burrito, Full Metal Balls, and Byte Lightening.  Right after, Night Crawler and Yes Dear were called in to drink again for some such insignificant thing which I couldn’t hear which turned into one of those “when one hare, when one RA, when one GM drinks…” and yadda-yadda-yadda almost every hasher was in the circle drinking.

Anal-verseries:  Road Map with 35, Drops a Load with 45, Oh FeelYa Butts 65, 3 X’s a Lady 125, No Class 150, Big Bird Turd 155, and SpreadSheets with 215.  DangeRously Close was also called and was out there drinking during the anal-verseries, however, not only did Hawaiian Puke fail to mention anything about her # of hash runs, Milk Money also did not include DC on the “cheat sheet” that she writes for HP every week.  And, when I asked DC what the scoop was, she had no idea why her name was called either.  Ok, Puke, there is a reason why Milk Money has to script your RA role every week – hmmmm, aren’t you turning 40 this year?  And, we all know what the first thing to go is…

Violations
Drag Queen for shortcutting the short cutters trail
all the walkers for stopping at a bar on trail
Major Disappointment for breaking the make-shift bridge over the stream (I’ve got Jenny Craig’s number)
Bite Me Elmo for sex on trail (refer to story earlier in the trash)
Nurse Crotchet for a face plant on trail
Poop Deck for not stopping at the beer check
Lick It Off Baby for having to buy running shoes that Saturday morning
Big Bird Turd for smoking a cigar, drinking a beer, & strolling with his dog on trail
Pay Per View weather forecasting
Hawaiian Puke for having lousy weather all spring
Pointless has revealed his new running secret – he’s going to use his feet
Stained Sheets for calling to the lobby to get coffee delivered to his room
Late Comer for losing the hashit on trail, Today!

Since Late Comer had lost the old hashit, she was the first to be nominated to receive the newly commissioned, never-been-plunged hashit.  Joining her was Rutro for missing the hash to shave her legs, Drops a Load for looking “svelte in his tight, black spandex”, Loan Shark for being the May Queen, and Cunning Runt for being a trophy runner.  Oh, yea, and as I wasn’t paying attention, someone nominated me because I was leaving this hash early to go set trail for White House.  Anyway, as the crowd was enjoying themselves way too much pointing their fingers and laughing at us, Hawaiian Puke fell right into his newly established power role as JM and authoritatively announced, “WE ARE VOTING NOW!”  That being said, Loan Shark was soon voted in as the hashit recipient.  Wow!  Two honorary titles in one day – such an overachiever.  Winding down towards the end of the circle, the lengthy announcements were excitingly interrupted for a special violation.  Lick It Off Baby had been spotted lactating beer (a hasher’s wet dream) – I guess now we know where she got her name from.

Hoping this scribe thing gets easier & quicker (but that sex gets harder & longer),
ONe Tit ONly