Army 10 Miler Oct 10, 1999

4:15 a.m.

"Hehhh,hehhhh,hehhhh,hehhhh,shlurp,lick,hehhh,hehhh,hehhhh."

"Charlie, it is 4:30 a.m., do you NEED to do this right now? I have to get up in 30 minutes and get ready to go do the Army 10 miler."

"Hehhh,hehhh,hehhh."

"OK, ok, ok, you DUMB dog, I’ll take you out."

4:20 a.m.

"Can you believe this, Charlie, it is pouring down rain and we have to go run in this. I wonder how pissed Carolyn would be if I just didn’t show up."

6:15 a.m.

Knock, knock.

"Hey, Carolyn are you ready for this? We are gonna get soaked!"

6:30 a.m.

All four of us are on our way; FAG, from WH4 , and Don, Latecummer’s real estate agent, Latecummer and myself. We are all going on and on about the rain and talking about how we think we are going to do this time around. We talk about what our times might be and Fag states that he is training for the Marine Corp Marathon and he hopes that he will make it in 90 some minutes. Don is also training for the Marine Corps but he runs slow. Carolyn and I just want to do better than we did last year- fat chance but hopes are high.

7:00 a.m.

"Look at all the idiots out here doing this? My Gawd are we as dumb as they are? Holy Shit, we have to be the dumbest people on Earth." Hmmm….Can you say dumb-ass?

"Well, we need to find the bag check in so anyone have a clue where that might be?"

7:40 a.m.

We walked through miles and miles of rain soaked grass and mudholes and with all the people , I was starting to feel claustrophobic looking at butts and belly buttons but we managed to find the bag check in about 100 yards from where we parked. Figures. We spent another 5 minutes trying to decide if we should wear raincoats or not. Will it do us much good when we start to sweat and get wet on the inside from sweating? Well, we are stupid so we decide to wear the raincoats in the hopes that we won’t sweat much. HAHA Running 10 miles and hoping not to sweat much. OK. Hmmm… Can you say dumb-ass?

7:53 a.m.

"Where in the hell are the people with the tangerine colored race numbers lining up?" We can’t find anyone with tangerine race numbers. There are no balloons to mark where people should be lined up. I see other people on the spilt start side (the left side) of the roadway with the nice tangerine color- that must be where we need to go.

8:00 a.m.

ON YOUR MARKS! GET SET! BANG!!!

I start my stopwatch and we are moving at the snails pace we planned on but hey-

"WOW! Carolyn, look at them take off! They are moving! Let’s look for Byte Lightning! It shouldn’t be to hard to spot him, he’s up front some where!"

"Uhmm, Carolyn, did you see Byte?"

8:03:38 a.m.

START Banner.

"What the hell is this shit? Start Banner? We started almost 4 minutes ago!"

HAHAHAHAHA Oh, I see this is an April Fool’s run that runs in October. Now we hear thousands of runners resetting their watches. Ding, ding, ding. Jeesh, this is great. HAHA Look at all those people peeing! Even the girls are just dropping their shorts. Not in a million years, babay! I would pee my pants first. HA! Now that is pretty funny.

Wait a minute, I think I need to go pee. That’s not funny.

8:15 a.m.

"Hey, Dual, look at those FRB’s! They are already coming around. WOW!"

At this point we are on the Memorial Bridge and all I can see is the bridge. When I am in between steps and on the up bounce, I can see people going up the hill towards the State Department and foolish me, I think, "Hey, we aren’t doing that bad, we aren’t too far behind the front runners - we are gonna kick some ass this year, let me tell you what!"

Then I see in between the slots on the bridge that the front runners are UNDER the bridge. OH. Lemme think about this. That means they have passed the Watergate Hotel and passed the two mile mark and are going towards Independence Ave. That means that we, not even at mile two yet, have completed 1 stinking mile in 12 minutes. Great. Well, this is going to suck bad. I can’t believe that I ACTUALLY thought for a fleeting second we might be on the tails of the front runners. Hmmm…can you say dumb-ass? I can.

8:22 a.m.

I am going to take off my coat now. Tying this thing around my waist and running with a wet coat for the next hour and a half is going to be the thrill of a lifetime. Hmmm… who’s dumb-ass idea was it to wear a coat?

8:32 a.m.

We are at the same spot the front runners were about 15 minutes ago. Kewl. We are moving along. I see the same people I have been seeing since we started. This one dude cuts me off one more time and I am gonna trip him. What? Does he think he owns the road?

"Carolyn, how ya doin?"

"I feel pretty good right now."

There are some people on the sides of the road cheering us on and people on the bridge taking pictures. Of course there are no cameras pointed towards Carolyn and me. They mostly are pointed at that girl in the black running bra with no shirt on. Show off. You wanna see some boobs? What your bouncing around ain’t shit, gurlfren.

8:48 a.m.

Some brainless moron decides to yell out to us that the front runner just made it in! Do we look like we care? Gee, only an hour for us left. Great. Nothing like running a 10 miler in the rain knowing that people are in and getting dry as we are still trudging along, you mindless jerk. Hmmmm…. Can you say dumb-ass?

8:52 a.m.

4 mile water stop. "Hey, Girls how ya feelin’ ?" Carolyn and I see Mouthful and Dreambeaver from OTH4 stretching at the water stop.

"We have some sore muscles but otherwise are doing ok."

"Deambeaver is just as cute as a peach, even in pouring down rain. She’s getting married next spring", I say to Carolyn. I think to myself…..Hmmm…..Can you say dumb-ass?

8:54 a.m.

There goes Dreambeaver and Mouthful. "Have a good race!" We yell to them. They are running pretty good.

9:08 a.m.

5 mile mark and the readout thingy says 1 hour and 5 minutes. Well, that is about the same time we hit here last year so we aren’t doing too badly at all! "Carolyn, how are you doing?"

"Pretty good."

Well, I wish she would slow down a bit. I am sore already. Was I feeling this bad last year? I can’t remember but my heels are really sore.

9:12 a.m.

"Hey, Dual and Latecummer, how’s it going?"

Look, it’s Milk Money and Scoop! You remember Scoop, don’t you? She USED to run with MVH3 all the time but now she is a LOSER and doesn’t run with us at all. Milk Money is getting ready to run the New York City Marathon and is using this run as a training run. Well, LA DI FREAKIN DA. We tell them we are feeling ok and what do they do? They pass us. Nothing like seeing people you know pass you. Whores. They THINK they’re cute in their little running outfits just bouncing along.

Milk Money yells BACK to us, "Are you going to Whitey’s afterwards?"

"No", I yell FORWARDS to her. "I need to see my son after."

Carolyn, I see is feeling the strain of the effort we are trying to put forth. "I hope we don’t see them after and they talk about how they just ran along and how easy it was for them just chatting the whole time like Scoop and Harddrive did last year." Yeah me, too. I might have to get my claws out and do some eye scratching.

9:16 a.m.

6 mile water stop. Oh look, there’s Dreambeaver and Mouthful again, stopped and stretching. They must be really sore. "You guys have any goo?"

"Yeah, want some?" I ask without even asking Carolyn. It’s her goo, I guess I should have asked. But my mouth speaks frequently before my brain can stop it so there it was and we shared. No big deal.

9:17 a.m.

"Tia, I have to slow down a bit."

Thank you, Lord, for small favors.

There goes Dreambeaver and Mouthful. Passing us. Again. I hate them. Whores.

9:24 a.m.

Look at those cute little boys out with their dad cheering us on. Is their dad an idiot? Bringing his kids out in weather like this! Some people ought to get a license before having kids, I swear to God. I just can’t believe it. Hmmm….Can you say dumb-ass?

9:26 a.m.

"Hey, look there is Mouthful stopping on the side of the road." Poor thing, she must be having a hard time with a sore muscle. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA serves you right for passing us a thousand times.!!!

9:32 a.m.

Oh look, on the other side of Independence we can see the last people as they are coming up the other side of the road towards the Capitol. Just once I would like to be able to NOT see the last person. We cheer her on, though. Apparently she is an older lady and she walks this and the Cherry Blossom 10 miler every year.

All the policemen and ambulances are behind her. I wonder what it is like to ride in an ambulance. I wonder if they would take me to some crazy hospital downtown. How would I get back to Carolyn’s where my minivan is parked? My leg is starting to hurt really bad as well as my heels. This sucks.

Carolyn states that this whole event is Rutro’s fault. I do have to agree. She talked me into this last year and didn’t show up for the race. She was sick or something. This year she gets married and doesn’t have time to train for this event. Is that a valid excuse? HELL NO! You know what I say about getting married? Hmmmm.… what a dumb-ass, that’s what I say. She better have her ass out here next year or I might just have to kick it.

9:34a.m.

Around the corner is the 8 mile water stop. I hope that same bitch from last year is not out there screaming her foul head off with "ON ON". I might just have to step out and shut her ass up. Whore. Better not be there, that’s all I got to say.

9:43 a.m.

We are on that stinking 14^th street bridge and Carolyn comes over to my right side so I take the brunt of the cold and wind and raining beating down us. Just Peachy Freaking Keen. Look at those jerks that have finished and are now walking the stinking thing backwards to supposedly cheer us on. HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A WET SOGGY,STINKY SHOE RIGHT UP YOUR ASS?!?!?! If this idiot in front of me stops short again I am going to throw him over and SEE IF HE FLOATS!!!!!!!

9:46 a.m.

"End is just down and around the corner!" Well, it is about freaking time! We have been out for hours! I can no longer feel my feet, I think they got left at the last water stop but I am not sure. I have a much better fitting bra this year than last but the 10 pounds of rainwater shored up in it has made it very difficult and I can feel a huge cut across my neckline. I wonder if I dry up a little and the bra shrinks will I be able to get it off?

9:51a.m.

"Where the Hell is the Finish line? They said it was just around the corner."

Carolyn stick your foot out and trip her, will ya?" She needs to be slapped. The finish line is never close! Just like the BEER NEAR signs we put down at the hash. It is called false hope – like your pathetic little life- false hope. Get used to it, you stupid bitch.

9:53 a.m.

FINISH LINE!!! WAHOO!!!!
"CAROLYN, WE MADE IT!!! We did it without stopping this year!! Yeah!!!!

And only 30 seconds shy of what we did last year!!

Whoppeee!!!

We are good!!!

Hey, I am not feeling too bad.

Hey, that wasn’t half bad.

Carolyn says to me, "Same time next year?"

And I have to say "Yeah, sure what the Hell."

Hmmm…Can you say dumb-ass?