An Incomplete History of the Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers

On December 14, 1985, two Northern Virginia hashers laid a trail of flour starting from the parking lot of Mount Vernon, George Washington's home. The trail ended in Riverside Park, nearly a mile away, after going under bridges, through ravines, around housing developments, and over the worst terrain available. A pack of eight runners chased the hares to the trail's finish and raised a toast of beer in grievance over the lousy trail. Thus began the history of the Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers, who have run over 400 other lousy trails in the Northern Virginia area over the past ten years.

Writing the definitive history of the Mount Vernon Hash House Harriers is impossible. All the stories of the hash would not fit into one volume. Oh sure, there are the endless summer trails where the pack finally gives up the chase in disgust and returns to the start in the last throes of heat exhaustion. There are winter trails that lead through knee deep ice cold streams. At times, there are brambles on trail that rip lycra tights to shreds; at other times, the trail is shoe-sucking mud for dozens of yards at a stretch. And who, at some point in their hashing career, hasn't come to a standstill on a trail in the realization that the ground all around them and the tree they're leaning against is covered with poison ivy?

The best way to commemorate Mount Vernon's Tenth Onniversary is to remember the people, places and events associated with the trails laid over the past ten years. The descriptions of hashes on the following pages were chosen from the MVH3 archive entirely at random. There are undoubtedly people who hashed with Mount Vernon who were, or are, major supporters of the hash who haven't received mention in this hash history. This book does attempt to evoke some memories and supply some context for understanding why people have been coming back to Mount Vernon for the past ten years. If people want to keep risking social and personal acceptance by running around Northern Virginia's swamps yelling and tooting whistles all year long, more power to them. On to the history...

Some highlights and lowlights of the Mount Vernon hash:

Hash 9: April 12, 1986
The hares stump the pack with a "first of its kind" tactic: the start was a check. Hares Hoot and Todd Hooten gain 15 minutes on the pack before they figure out there are two trails coming away from the start, Hayfield High School. The pack dutifully runs out the trail around Rose Hill Road and back to Telegraph. At least, most do: the Fitz' dog, Jetta, chases a herd of deer and the Dribbler and Snow Fairy spend half an hour hunting him down. The seven-plus mile trail ends at the Hootens, where it's decided that the source of beer for each hash would be the hares of that hash. Whew, we're glad that's settled.

Hash 29: January 17, 1987
The largest pack to date, 27 hashers, pursue Sweat Hog and Mad Hatter around virgin trail territory in Arlington, starting at Woodlawn School. The hares claim to have set four checks, but the pack finds only one. The trail crosses I-66 and Arlington Boulevard, to end in the Longbranch Nature Center. Several namings are bequeathed during the on on: Full Moon, Illhashtrator, the Conniver, and Piss and Moan are named.

Hash 66: May 28, 1988
A wedding party at Old Pohick Church is disturbed by hashers gathering for the start of the farewell hash for Public Enema and Fu-King Lawyer. FRB's Quench, One-Eye, Beep Beep and others follow hash into the "on on" at the Fairfax Yacht Club, where the hares' accomplices delay the pack with beer while the hares supposedly go back for vehicles. Actually, the accomplices were only slowing the pack down, and the pack really had to go all the way back down the trail to attend the on on at a clearing not far from the start. The hares calm the heat-prostrated pack with free singlets to commemorate their departure, and they receive decorative leis in return. One-Eye gets the hashit for profanity on trail.

Hash 81: December 10, 1988
Eleven, count em, eleven harriers show up to run on a bitterly cold day at an elementary school on Quantico Marine Base. One-Eyed Trouser Snake and Cross Hairs lay trail with colored paper on top of the recent snowfall. The pack searches one check for 40 minutes, before finally finding trail on an unmarked backcheck. The pack straggles into One-Eyed's place for the on on, commencing down downs despite the absence of Chuck Garvin. At the on on, Short Throat drinks for showing up a mere 2 hours after the start, and the hares drink for their 10.6 mile trail. A search party sets out after the whistle check, and finally finds Chuck on trail somewhere, having taken a wrong turn and ending up at Marine headquarters.

Hash 98: June 10, 1989
Hares Dribbler and Snow Fairy, decked out in their hash wedding clothes (a lime green t-shirt for Dribbler, weedy white veil for Snow Fairy), lay the anniversary trail. Beep-Beep and Hash Hole catch the hares, but not until the pack downs two bottles of champagne at the water stop. (P&M just wets his limp wabbit.) The Fitz' offspring gives out false directions to the pack, but everyone eventually finds their way to the end of the trail. Kiddie Porn is named. 27 harriers attend.

Hash 107: September 16, 1989
The pack shares two flashlights between them to try to find trail laid by Erection Master and Quacken Off in a twilight hash starting at 7:00 p.m. Unable to locate hash after darkness finally sets in, the pack heads back to the start, to find directions to go straight to the on on. At the Alexandria Coast Guard station, the pack has to perform the Zulu Warrior song in lieu of ID cards to get past the front gate. Roger Johnston is named "Wanker of the Week" for some damn fool thing he did.

Hash 122: March 10, 1990
Hares Bush Wacker and Bush Master lay trail through the Audubon Bird Sanctuary (this was before it became so important to be politically correct). As told by On-Sec Cheap Slut, "the pack showed all present that they truly had their taste in their mouths and tried vainly to salt the birds' tails by blowing whistles and scaring the ducks" and royally pissing off the "Militant Octogenarian Bird Watchers." NOTE: Everyone went out of their way to run through the mud hole at the finish. Hard Drive is named based on his "penchant for peripheral devices."

Hash 133: March 17, 1990 (hey, I just go by the dates people give me...) On-Sec Cheap Slut waxes genuinely clever, posing this riddle in the Trash: "What's four miles long, green (mildew) and has an asshole every five feet? Response: The Saint Patrick's Day Hash." Hares Missing Link and Stained Sheetz set a trail of "mud, sweat and slime" and Wet and Wild was named.

Hash 137: April 14, 1990
This is the famous hash where Hare Low Blower "was observed (caught) 'hiding' behind a tree on Roosevelt Island in full view of all." This Easter Hash featured a true trail which "kept crossing the George Washington Parkway in murderous traffic." Unchi San (translation: Mr. Shit) is named "for encouraging spectators at otherwise private events along the trail..."

Hash 151: July 1990
Bump and Grind passes out condoms to the pack before they set off on the trail laid by Rubber Hummer, Cheeky Peeky and Wee Wee Herman. The pack finds the "glorious check" along the trail -- a check most hashers find four or five times. It introduces the pack to ZEN hashing:

     "How can you tell when you're on true trail?"
     "Because it's not marked."
     "OK?! Where do you run?"
     "In front of the hares."
     "OK?! How do you know you're in the right place?"
     "Because you're there."
     "All right! I think I don't understand."
     "Perfect!"

Windbag marks trail away from the ZEN check, but then disappears as the pack finds its way in somehow. French Tickler and Horney Toad are named, and scribe Stained Sheetz expresses concern about possibly losing hashers on recent lengthy runs.

Hash 179
Bump and Grind appears at the Hash with his head freshly shaved the night before by some drunken Dutch Marine buddies. Wife Dutch Treat declares, "Now Joop's head looks like his ass!" On trail and feeling confident, Roto Router bragged, "Watch this!" as he traversed a log over a stream in NEW SHOES. Roto, a.k.a. Scroto, successfully crossed the log and then jumped off into mud up to his knees.

Or was this Hash 179??: The dreaded PMS Hash. In a nutshell, Hares Snow Fairy, Mud Buns and Wet and Wild fuck up the trail, but throw a great "Return to PMS" baby shower down down for the preggers Bush Wacker and her impending Bush Pygmy. Bush Master and the rest of the military medical boys Dr. Quick, Stealth Bomber, Dr. Goodhead and WillHe WankHer cum wearing shirts spelling out MIDOL. Stained Sheetz gives MVH3 a glimpse of his literary talents by writing in the Trash, "My guess is that the run was much closer to 7 miles than 5, but face it -- what would we rather have been doing? Even two-thirds of the way up the last monster hill, sucking wind like a bellows, I had the ridiculous thought that I was where I wanted to be, with people I enjoyed, doing what I wanted to do. Delirious, or just the thoughts of an unreformed hasher? Who knows? Who cares?"

Run 203
Stained Sheetz, Captain Crunch and Moby Dick hare the farewell hash for Bump and Grind and Dutch Treat, billed as a "short run with a long party." Bump and Grind loses his keys before the hares are off, but eventually, the pack begins. The pack runs roughshod across someone's backyard, as the terrified residents are watching television. Everyone misses the water stop, but everyone makes it in to the on on at Capt. Crunch's. Moby Dick kisses both departing hashers as Bump moons the crowd (how many times?). Chu Mi gives the departers books on the U.S. and D.C., so they'll know what all the stuff looks like that they could have seen if they hadn't always been drunk from hashing.

Run 212: September 1991 MVH3's first ever Family Hash A PR ploy dreamed up by those with families so they can keep cumming every Saturday morning, the first Family Hash nets a good sized crowd. Roto Router is caught eating the Trix cereal being used (mixed in flour) to mark the kids' trail, sez he missed breakfast. Penguin stops traffic, i.e. a cop car, to ensure a safe and orderly street crossing for the kids and pal Blank Check encourages the cop to throw Penguin in the slammer. Unchi San catches Hare Stained Sheetz, but does not realize he's a hare... Pope On A Rope is named and for the first time in MVH3 history, all expletives are deleted from the down down songs.

Run 215: Rutherford B. Hayes Memorial Run Loan Shark and Cheap Slut lay trail starting from Rutherford Park, which happens to be named in honor of Loan Shark's hero, the only federal employee who actually accomplished less in his career than Loan Shark has. Unchi San gets special messages on the trail, in honor of his impending departure from the hash. Wet and Wild complains that there's no WORLD'S GREATEST MUDSLIDE as she had been promised. At the on on at Cheap Slut's place, Missionary Position's name is reconfirmed by the hash and Maneater is named. Unchi San finishes his tenure at MVH3 with 69 runs.

Run 223: The Thanksgiving Hash
In a now lost tradition, this hash was laid and an on on on feast was set by Wun Hung Lo and Chu Mi. On the run, some SCB's running along Route 66 (illegal, hmmm) had a nice chat with the police. Scribe for the day Roto Router wrote: "Nope. Not me. I'm not gonna tell you about Tore Ass wearing Wet and Wild's bra, or Stained Sheetz chasing hashers away from the beer keg so down downs could start, or S'not sitting out in the dark and rain 'cause it was closer to the beer." Bump and Grind and Dutch Treat call from Geneva and all line up to talk. Turns out they hadn't been getting their mail because they forgot to put their name on their mailbox...

Run 227: January 1992
The smallest MVH3 crowd in recent history shows up in a dreary rain to chase Missing Link, Quick Drawers and Byte Lightning -- 13 hashers to chase three hares. Roto and Wet and Wild dance in a mud puddle, and the pack nearly catches the hares. Only a quick "panic check" allows them to escape and finish laying trail to Quick Drawers' house. Joint Master Stained Sheetz gives a dollar rebate to all the hashers who started on time (i.e., not Dr. Jekyll or Road Kill). Quick Drawers gets the hashit for lewd comments during the on on.

Run 259: August 1992
Snap On Tools, Tool Box and Head Nurse alternately arrive and leave the starting point before the start of the hash, looking for each other. Things weren't boding well for the trail. The three hares, upon finally starting 20 minutes late, run 25 yards or so and stop and stare at each other as if waiting for one of the others to tell them where to go. Receiving no clue, they all bumped into each other, rebound and head up a hill and out of sight, to the great derision of the pack. The hares share one bag of flour between them, and lay (almost) no checks! Hash marks are often found 200 yards apart. The pack runs through a very long tunnel, well some do anyway and the rest follow above the tunnel listening to Rubber Hummer singing "Singing In the Rain" inside the tunnel. The pack also descends into a swollen drainage tunnel, looking for flour within the general Bethesda area. An hour and 32 minutes of trail, 30 minutes of which were underground. More Head is named.

Hash 279: January 9, 1993
Hashers stay in their cars until the last minute before starting this frigid run, starting at Potomac Landing Elementary School and hared by Cork Screw'd, Wet and Wild, Hard Drive, Puss and Boots and Lil' Boner. The pack spends a great deal of time running beyond flour and running across private backyards. Lil' Boner films the pack arriving at the shooter check. Up ahead, the FRB's shortcut and catch the hares red-handed (or white handed, since they were all nearly suffering frostbite). The trail has signs: Welcome to Mars, and Welcome to Uranus (hmm...) Eventually, everyone finishes and at the on on, there's a hearty farewell to Byte Lightning (who would return...)

Hash 282: January 23, 1993
Single hare KY Man starts laying trail with a check. Hmmm, a single hare, the trail starts with a check... must be a PRE-MARKING BASTARD! The departing pack is harassed by a MITRE employee, so some move their cars (auto-hashing?). The trail boasts two tunnels and a check where Rubber Hummer looks for trail twice in one direction before the pack finally finds trail where he'd been checking. Trail goes through two unlit tunnels and across Rt. 50. Trail ends outside, where the pack applies band-aids to their wounds and denigrates the hare.

Hash 317: July 3, 1993 (what's up with the numbering system here?) Another hot, humid Fourth of July in Falls Church brings out the hash for a trail hared by Bob with Two O's and Prostate-toot. True trail runs into the Falls Church version of Jurassic Park: ferns, giant people attacking stickers, mud, muck, mire, felled limbs and, of course, poison ivy. Quick Drawers, Alien Nation and Missing Link shortcut, while FRB's Dr. Quick, Cross Hares and Cunning Runt push the pace. The trail ends at BOOB's place, and it turns out the trail was never more than half a mile from the on on. During the down downs, Wet and Wild's sparkler is lit with the assistance of several of the male hashers in attendance.

Hash 318: September 18, 1993 (that's what the trashes say -- hash audit!) A number of infrequent hashers show up for this rainy day run: Red Snapper, Snap On Tools, Slide Tool and Dr. Quick. The hares, Wankers Aweigh, Hot Legs, Poop Deck and two mystery hares start the trail on time and the trail at first is clearly marked. Not for long. Hard Drive finally finds trail through "the Projects," where police stop him to tell him that it "wasn't the best neighborhood to be running in." Trail ran through a vile tunnel and across Four Mile Run, where Cunning Runt nearly plucked Specimen's tail. At the on on, Grand Master and birthday person Cheap Slut received a birthday cake decorated with a large hill and an empty grave with his name on it (over the hill, get it?) Then, the voluptuous stripper Debi entered and began performing for CS, but she's the one who's surprised when she finds out Cheap Slut's not wearing anything under his sarong! You know you're in a good hash when you can embarrass a stripper!

Hash 330: December 11, 1993
Eat It Raw and Little Digit lay a well-marked trail through Reston,Virginia, where the pack is led at various times by Poop Deck, Silver Fox, Missing Link, Continental Drip, Rubber Hummer and Cross Hares. Low Blower leads some of the pack to a mucky stream to nowhere, where a yet-to-be-named harriette straddles a huge log. Some hash sage comes up with: "If it swells, ride it." At the on on, Commode Hugger keeps his name, after a renaming effort can't come up with anything worse, and Guido O'Brien, whose happy faces soiled the trail from start to finish, is renamed Dud Finder.

Hash 347: April 23, 1994
The new mismanagement is completely out of whack as the pack begins running the trail laid by Bonzai Ben, Red Snapper and Quick Drawers around Ft. Belvoir. The trail is out of whack, too, as the pack crosses U.S. 1 several times at the peak of traffic. The hares dedicated the largest hill on the course to the new mismanagement. Accordingly, trail runs out atop the hill, but eventually Hoot from San Diego and Dud Finder come along to help find the way out of the mess. The pack upsets some golfers with their hash whistles before ending the trail in a small beer garden tucking in amongst the barracks. Stealth Bomber gets the hashit for leading the whole pack past a check and down a BT.

Hash 351: May 21, 1994
The hares, Silver Fox, Spread Sheets and Dr. Strangelove, promise that the trail is impossible to shortcut. This challenge put forward by the hares may be why the pack swarms onto a golf course near the trail, though the trail doesn't actually cross the course. The pack circles a construction area, several times, until several hashers led by Deep Dish, Fuzzy Butt, Low Blower and Roxy jump off trail into an adjacent apartment complex just to see if there's any hash marks. There aren't, but Hot Legs finds trail again running into a creek. The trail ends after hashers climb the longest hill in the scribe's experience, though no marks after the BEER NEAR sign confuse the pack to the end. Dr. Strangelove claims, "It was only forty minutes long when we ran it earlier." Hmmm.

Hash 382: December 24, 1994
Who would show up at a hash on Christmas Eve? Much less on a bone numbing Christmas Eve with thirty mile an hour wind gusts? Well, about twenty MVH3 hashers, that's who. Poop Deck and Pit Stop lay trail heading around Cameron Station, though the trail runs out and the pack spends a good 20 minutes freezing their tails off in the cold. A non-hashing Alexandria resident claims Lost His Bitch's dog bit him, but no one in the pack claims responsibility (not surprising, is it?). Somehow, the pack shortcuts two-thirds of the trail and ends up at Poop Deck's in less than 40 minutes, just before it begins to rain.

Hash Management
Joint Masters:
Quick Drawers
Silver Fox
Wun Hung Lo
Blank Check
Roto Router
Hot Legs
Short Cummings
The Dribbler
Quench
Deep Gulp
One Eye Trouser Snake
Sweat Hog
Cheap Slut
Stained Sheetz
Chu Mi
Missing Link
Byte Lightning
Bush Wacker
Missionary Position
Roto Router

On Sec
Cheap Slut
White Lightning
Gumby No Pokey
Hard Drive
Short Shadow
Stained Sheetz
Missing Link
Roto Router

Scribe and Subscribe
BOOB
Dr. Jekyll
White Lightning
Missing Link
Roto Router
Blank Check
Missionary Position
Beer Nuts
Wet and Wild

Hash Cash
Sweat Hog
Spread Sheets
Slick Slit
Full Moon
Under A Buck
Rubber Hummer
Penguin

Hash Horn
Low Blower
Horny Jerk
No Name
Little Horney

Song Meister
Looney Tunes
Mr. Peabody
Tool Box

Hash Harlot
Snow Fairy

Religious Advisor
Short Cummings

Hare Raiser
Wet and Wild
Missing Link
Pit Stop
Poop Deck
Byte Lightning
Hard Drive
Topless Skateboarding Nun
Short Cummings

Hash Haberdasher
Bush Wacker
Dr. Strangelove
Red Snapper
Poop Deck
Lick It Off, Baby
Cheap Slut
Hoover

Hash Artiste
Wee Wee Herman

Foreign Minister
Onan

The Year in Hashing

December 31 The Pajama Run (Centreville) Hares: Snow Fairy, Mudbuns
Hashers gather in a parking lot in the freezing cold in their jammies for yet another pajama run. The trail starts with a run through Snow Fairy's florist shop, and out around suburban streets and apartment complexes. The pack stays together (mostly), until they reach the end of the trail: a dead squirrel cradling an empty bottle of champagne! The squirrel tells the pack to go back to the start, which everyone does except those people who shortcut (Toxic Cock complains about a lack of flour). Running Bear doesn't come in to the end until after Swing Low. Silver Fox is saluted in his farewell run. The hashit doesn't appear at the hash.

January 7 Hares: Barney Sore-Ass, White Lightning (Franconia) A chilly start at Manchester Lakes shopping center (gee, what's all that white stuff on WL's tights?) featuring the barkarama between several dogs. First a loop down to the railroad tracks, then back up the other side of the Springfield-Franconia Parkway. Careful of the chicken ranch. Someone (SCB) cuts about a mile off of the trail -- so the entire run is only 30 minutes long. And will somebody tell me what's wrong with generic Oreo's, anyway? Public Access is named, and the hashit doesn't show up, though owner Cunning Runt does.

January 14 Hares: Blank Check, Cold Sweat, Dr.Jekyll (Reston) A beautiful spring day (go figure). Dr.Jekyll and Blank Check tear a bag of flour at the beginning, fooling nobody but virgins. Trail leads through a briar patch into a fenced parking lot, where the only way out is the entrance -- confusion reigns. Trail crosses a creek four times. Walkers get way, way off trail -- clocking in at over an hour and a half for the run -- even the FRB's take an hour or so (not including the FRB's who stopped at their cars, not at the trail's end 100 yards further on). The hashit goes to Blank Check for messing up the directions to the start (there is no Fair Lakes exit off I-66 westbound....)

January 21 Hares: Quick Drawers, Running Bear (Stafford) A nice day, warm enough for tons and tons of MUD on the trail. White Lightning pees on a hare's arrow, thinking it's a BT, but the pack eventually finds true trail. So muddy, some hashers didn't notice they were running down the CENTER strip of I-95. If you weren't covered in mud by the end of the trail, you weren't swimming enough. Heart On and Dual Airbags end the run crawling, only partly in jest. Hare Running Bare is caught (?) by Back Door Man, who tries to depants the hare. RB doesn't appreciate it, and a fistfight nearly breaks out at the down down. Fortunately, Burnt Sox provides comic relief by disrobing in public. He gets the hashit.

January 28 Hares: Missing Link, Poop Deck (Springfield, VA) Temperature in the middle thirties leads the wimpy to call for going straight to the down downs, but the hardy prevail and we're running in below freezing weather. The trail runs along Pohick while avoiding the Russian Wolfhounds along the way, the scribe (BOOB) freezes his brain and can't remember anything about the trail. Trail ends OUTSIDE (thank you, hares -- it's pretty frigging cold out here!). Fortunately, it doesn't prevent the pack from downing cold beers. Where's the hashit?

February 4 Hares: Spread Sheets, Roto Router (Centreville, VA) We finally get 5 to 11 inches this winter (snow, that is -- sorry, harriettes). The pack follows the fresh footprints in the snow, mostly staying together in a pack around Centreville housing developments and woods. Snowplows cover some tracks, though, preventing the capture of the hares. The pack enjoys hot chili and soup at the end at a condo complex's community center. Burnt Sox forgets the Hashit. Yeesh. At least these hares know how to mark trail on snow.....

February 11 Hares: Blank Check, Pit Stop (Centreville, VA) A splendidly fucked up run. The hares incomprehensibly use white flour to mark trail after a fresh snowfall. The pack spends the first 45 minutes throwing snowballs and running in circles around London Towne Elementary School. The hares had been smart enough to bring Kool-Aid to mix with their flour, but didn't bring a can opener! After finally finding trail and running through woods and I-66, the hash regathers at the end in a condo community center. As the scribe says, "The trail was badly marked and poorly thought out, but at least it was too long." Wilburrr leads the lynch mob against the hares, who have to drink three times for "What a shitty run!" Guess who gets the hashit (by unanimous acclaim): the hares! Spread 'Em and Achy Breaky Fart are named.

February 18 Hares: Steamer, Poop Deck, Spread Sheets (Manassas Battlefield Park) The pack starts quickly, afraid the rangers would evict them from the park. The trail winds around several historical sites, including the log crossing, which nearly claims the life of Cold Sweat's dog, Roxy. The trail ends with a sprint south on Route 234 (though Bush Master tries looking for flour up the I-66 exit ramp). No real down down (?). A Lynchburg hasher steals the hashit, but Blank Check, Heart On and Dual Airbags recapture it in a dramatic rundown on the way home. Blank Check keeps the hashit.

February 25 Hares: Hard Drive, Lick It Off, Baby (West Falls Church) Shortcummings, Missing Link and the Dribbler all show up at the West Falls Church Metro wearing the same tights, a triplet fashion statement. The trail leads up I-66, crosses over and comes back along I-66, with a long straight stretch along the W&OD trail (and a dead deer at the end for good measure). A swift fast run ends in the party room of an apartment building, where Cums in Court gets the hashit not for any violation on trail, but for giving such a lame nomination for the hashit that he gets it himself! Overbooked and No Class are named.

March 4 Hares: Missing Link, Slick Slit (Springfield, VA) Missing Link and Slick hare a well-marked trail near Rolling Road in Springfield. Wilburrr runs into a broom wielding Springfieldite who berates the pack for running on private property (which we weren't). Mud Buns and Wankers attempt aerial acrobatics on the icy trail. The trail ends at someone's house, where we eat Ramen noodles and finish the down downs dang quickly. Wilburrr gets the hashit for his run-in with the Springfield resident, who he tried to reason with sensibly (but she still called him an "idiot").

March 11 Hares: Blank Check, Hard Drive (Dumfries, VA) The hares head out on trail without having settled the exact trail in advance. The trail crosses Quantico Creek, heads into Williamstown, across northbound Route 1, across a shopping center, and through the area where "Deliverance" was filmed. (Not quite, but close. Area residents keep dogs the size of Mazda Miatas.) The pack gets waylaid by a stray "QD" mark, but eventually finds trail (the other direction, of course). Trail ends underneath I-95 at Quantico Creek, where the hares serve bologna sandwiches (befitting the economic vitality of the region). Don't know what happened to the hashit. The naming committee names Sweet Cheeks and Head Cheese.

March 18 St. Patty's Day Hash
Hares: Shortcummings, Pit Stop (Springfield, VA) Several creek crossings as the pack runs around the Ft. Belvoir Proving Ground, and the hilly BT from hell leads some of the pack very astray. The hares seem to run out of flour, as the pack circles a church (several times?) following hare's arrows. The pack is confused when they find old hash from two weeks ago, but most make it to the on on at Hans Solo's house.The hares lay out a sumptuous spread: five sandwiches and twelve bowls of soup. The pack empties the keg in lieu of food, though the hares are called on the carpet for it. Shortcummings comes through later with pizzas for all. He also gets the hashit for the lack of food (anyone notice how often Pitstop is haring when the hares get the hashit?). Overall, the hares drink six times.

March 25 Hares: Hard Drive, Roto Router, Poop Deck (Alexandria) Trail starts at the Home Depot on Pickett Street, and fords Cameron Run twice. FRB's get darn confused, climbing over fences and around schoolyards, ending at Cameron Station, where the hares grill burgers. Conversation at the on on centers around "shrinkage" (say no more). Vegetable Delights' boyfriend shows up at the on on during the down downs, and is immediately called up for new shoes by....Vegetable Delight! I don't think he's come back again.... Rut Ro is named! The keg dies. Shortcummings loses the hashit, finds it again and is renominated and reelected to carry it for another week.

April 1 April Fools Hash
Hares: Wankers Aweigh, Hot Legs (Arlington -- Cameron Station) Confusion at the first check has the pack running back and forth on a bike trail before heading off the trail and uphill. Roto Router bravely crosses a stream through the water instead of the stepping stones -- and performs a beautiful half-gainer into the freezing water. Hills dominate the trail, including the mother of all hills leading to Hot Legs' house. Flour runs out -- the pack is supposed to figure the trail ends at Hot Legs' house, and there's even a BEER NEAR there -- April Fools! Some hashers have a cow over this hares' trick (no names, please). Cruel hares get the hashit, prior to the mismanagement elections. Full Metal Balls sells the crowd pornographic lollipops.

April 8 Roto's Birthday Hash
Hares: Hard Drive, Wet'n'Wild, Roto Router (Cameron Run) The hares pull a switch: Hard Drive, Wet'n'Wild and Continental Drip step in to celebrate Roto's birthday (how old is Roto? We still don't know). Whose rears were those in the "7 Moons over Uranus" picture, anyway? The run goes under the beltway and back again, with a deep slog through Cameron Run to boot. Dr. Jekyll tries practicing his triathlon skills with a run through the water up to his chest. Everybody waits for Roto to arrive before leaving the second (!) beer check. Hashers eat cake with anatomically correct decorations at the on on, while the birthday boy sits on the ice for some really long hash songs. Wankers Aweigh and Hot Legs keep the hashit. Layover and NOOOORRRRMMMMM! are named.

April 15 The Easter Hash
Hares: Byte Lightning, Pitstop (Ft.Belvoir, Hayfield) A warm day finds hashers swarming the hills of Ft. Belvoir and Hayfield High. Two map checks confuse the pack until Hard Drive actually looks down and finds...a map! We dodge ducks around some ponds behind the high school, and lose Link while running up Hayfield hill. A sprint along Telegraph Road brings hashers back to the finish in Ft.Belvoir, where white bread sandwiches greet the pack. An unusually active naming committee names Cums In A Can, Re-Entry, Yes Dear and Owhore-a (she hasn't come back either). The great Easter Keg hunt is won by Spread 'Em, and Missing Link wins the hashit for whining!

April 22 Earth Day Hash
Hares: Cums in Court, Public Access (Clifton, VA) Named by some the best hash of the year!. Hashers cross Bull Run four times -- no pavement, frogs in every check and snakes guarding the water stops! There's a billy goat hill on the trail, two water stops, and the hares kindly leave a globe on the trail for lost hashers to find directions. Hashers still rave about the beautiful trail, with no pavement and plenty of shiggy. Rutro gets the Earth Day 25th anniversary t-shirt, while hashers enjoy the (catered!) down down food. Where's Link? Hashit: Missing Link, in absentia, for getting lost (Link is found well after the down downs end by Blank Check somewhere near Manassas, Virginia).

April 29 Anniversary Run
Hares: Byte Lightning, Missing Link (Fredericksburg, along the Rappahannock) This one's a sprint for part of the way, as hashers run from a tire store past two beer stops, through Mary Washington College, to the down downs by the Rappahannock. No beer for hashers at the end! But eventually dchashing.orges, and a block of ice brings out several hashers' bright white cheeks. The new mismanagement is crowned. The on on is at a restaurant across the street from the hotel. Where did everyone sleep? Farbeit from this trash to reveal who passed out at the bar (AF, no, BS?). The hashit goes to Lick It Off, Baby, for cutting her Hawaiian vacation short to attend the hash.

April 30 Hangover Run
Hares: Blank Check, White Lightning (Fredericksburg, around the hotel and I-95) A rainy start yields cool, humid conditions. A waterfall check stumps the pack -- people climb up and down the stream without finding flour, which was actually laid up the hill beyond the stream. Beer stop on the Rappahannock, then a tricky loop check gets washed out, confusing the FRB's (but not most of the pack -- ha!). Most hashers follow Link to the correct way to the end. A cold anniversary farewell at the hotel. The hashit nearly goes to Lick It Off Baby again, but Byte Lightning later gets it by unanimous decision for locking his keys in his car. The naming committee names Tim from Richmond HUGE YARD SALE (say this loudly, stressing the word "huge.")

May 6 Hares: Short Cummings, Heart On (Springfield, near Shortcumming's house) Short Cummings and Heart On break the post-anniversary bad trail curse with a short run around Springfield (or do they?) The short trail's lack of flour gets hashers confused, so hashers actually stay out longer than usual. Hares claim to have an Eagle/Turkey trail, but nothing shows up on the run. They also claim we cut off a lot of the trail, but where's the frigging flour on the second half of the trail? Down downs in a clearing, where hashers chow on Taco Bell food. Hashers stay late to empty last week's keg. The hashit doesn't show up, though owner Byte Lightning does. That afternoon is the first MVH3 Mountain Bike hash, hared by Missing Link and Byte Lightning.

May 13 Photo/Tourist Run
Hares: Poopdeck, Mudmuffin (Georgetown) Hashers dressed as tourists run amok in DC and Georgetown. During the first half of the trail, the pack stops for photo ops at Georgetown University, lingerie shops, the Exorcist steps and the waterfront. Gee these polyester shirts are warm! The opera check at Kennedy Center turns the pack around to the beer stop along the Potomac. Wet'n'Wild and Barney stop to shop in Georgetown on the way back to the on on (it's a tourist run, isn't it?) Reverend Rufus Caufield from Picayune, Nebraska (looking a lot like Cheap Slut) blesses the down downs. Hashit goes to Willlburrr, for distributing pornography to the hash. Spread Sheets denies posing for the picture.

May 20 Combat Beer Patrol Run
Hares: Steamer, Continental Drip (Arlington) Several hashers show up in fatigues; some show up in face paint, all to participate in MVH3's first Combat Beer Patrol Run. The trail runs through Arlington shiggy along the Potomac Overlook trail, with hashers running into briars and creeks (gee, camouflage pants aren't bad in briar patches...). Ice shows up again at the down downs, and a new name is born: Steamer forgets to pull up pants after sitting on the ice, but Sweet Cheeks steps in with a beer cup to cover Steamer's tallywhacker. Someone says, "Looks like a human penis, only smaller." Steamer is re-named the following week: Dixie Cup! The hashit goes to the hares for general hare violations. The naming committee names Spanish Thighs.

May 27 Hares: Stained Sheets, Cheap Slut, Tim Brown (Lake Braddock High School) A hot run on lots of suburban streets and cut-through paths. A warning from the hares not to run past BT's -- evidence of prelaying? Dr.J remembers the trail from the 1993 Thanksgiving run. Bush Master is hounded by a hapless homeowner harried by harassing hashers. A homeowner tells Bush Master he's running on private property. Bush Master, like any hasher, doesn't care, and keeps running. The homeowner gives chase, but slips and falls into waist deep water as Bush Master makes a safe getaway. He wins the MVH3 public relations award for keeping up our sterling reputation with the public. The hashit is carried by Steamer, who has to leave early, but he gets renamed anyway.

June 3 Hares: Missing Link, Byte Lightning (West Springfield High) A fast, hot run around the neighborhoods surrounding Burnt Socks and Cunning Runt's alma mater. Few goofy events occur, save Cross Hares' inability to turn around on an obviously flourless trail. Burnt Socks drinks for having a mail order date. Highlights of the trail include a mile-long hill toward the end, and a tour past Cunning Runt's childhood home. Down downs are in by a small creek behind the school. Hashit goes to Dixie Cup again (four more years!).

June 10 Hares: White Lightning, Barney Sore-Ass, Pitstop (Bush Hill in Franconia) Eagle and Turkey trails show up again, though this time there really is a turkey trail. After a muddy beginning, the Turkey runners end up waiting for the FRB's running the Eagle trail, who are out for an hour or so. A couple of trail screwups occur (like a curly hare's arrow), but no hashers get lost (darn). On on is atop a (steep) hill, where the violators drink atop some fine furniture (i.e., a burnt out couch and a mattress or two). Hashers clean up two birthday cakes. The hashit doesn't show up.

June 17 Flag Day Run
Hares: Burnt Socks, Bavarian Bush (Burke Lake area) Everybody gets a flag at the start of the run. The trail begins with the pack running into two checks 10 yards apart right at the start. This is a clue about how the rest of the day will go. We then ran through private property. Only half the pack finds the water stop. A run around Burke Lake turns into a run back around Burke Lake, when the FRB's give up on the trail, not finding any more flour. Some people keep on true trail, but get lost -- a sweep by BS is necessary to bring the AEC's (Ass-end Charlies) in. Most hashers miss the BT at the bottom of the garbage can -- everybody misses the hare's arrow inside the Porto-Potty. We're not kidding. Bavarian Bush consoles finishers with cookies. Hard Drive wins a pair of flag socks for finding his flag on one of the index cards left at one of the checks. Hashit: Burnt Socks, by unanimous acclaim, for his innovative haring techniques. BA BA BA (say: Baaaa!) is named.

June 24 Red Dress Run #2
Hares: Hard Drive, S'not, Roto-Router, Short Cummings (Arlington, Georgetown) The second running brings out 198 hashers in dresses, with quite a few guys having way too much fun dressing up. 'Ather Abraham halts traffic again on Wilson Boulevard, with red dresses filling all three lanes. A hare (S'not) is caught on the canal. The beer stop is at a boathouse along the Potomac, where overheated hashers hope the heat doesn't melt their makeup. The hash runs past the chili cookoff, and sings (again) in the Metro. Sorry Stained Sheets, no arrests this year (but we do manage to piss off a few officials). Hashit stays safely away from hashers from other hashes. The down downs are inaudible and incomprehensible. On to next year!

July 1 Whine and Dine Run
Hares: Corkscrew'd, Puss'n'Boots (Indian Head) A very hot run. The trail goes through streams, fields, and the world's largest check. Hashers follow Byte up and down desert-like hills to the fancy water stop (with Jello shooters). A trip down an aqueduct leads to trail marked with cloth strips along a deep creek. Byte Lightning turns right at the last turn. Maybe he's making good on his threat to run home instead of to the down downs. The Dine is fine -- with cheesecake for everyone at the end. The hashit goes to Burnt Socks again (after Byte backs over the thing with his car).

July 8 Hares: Dr.Strangelove, Cold Sweat (Arlington Boulevard near beltway) A start atop a parking garage leads to the main trail, a suburban street crawl. Byte leads the pack, though he's chalkless and whistleless. Mrs.Sweat and the kids man the water stop, where several shortcutters (Quick Drawers and others) had been waiting for the FRB's to arrive after a short true trail diversion. Confusion at a creekside check makes several hashers swim, but the trail goes the other way through a tunnel under the beltway (some half-minds go across the beltway instead). It's a great tunnel -- long, wet, and you can't see the other end if anyone's in front of you. Lots of poison ivy along the trail, then the trail ends in a poison ivy patch! The hares get the hashit for the on on in the poison ivy. The naming committee names Painted Lady, who has the habit of putting on makeup in her car prior to each hash. She says this was her last hash....

July 15 Hares: Foul Balls, Quick Drawers, Bonzai Ben, Rubber Hummer (Gunston Plaza in Lorton)
A heat warning by the National Weather Service: heat index tops 110, and where do we start? The middle of a blacktop parking lot. A bicyclist (now Sticky Buns) solves the first three checks for us, thanks. Water stops every ten minutes save the pack's lives, since there's darn little shade on the trail. There's cake for a birthday at the end. Painted Lady drinks for returning, then she leaves the hash (again). The hashit doesn't show up. BA BA BA is renamed Hooked On Forensics, and Painted Lady's significant other is named Anal-Rotative.

July 22 The Bug Run
Hares: Sweetcheeks, No Clazz, ShortCummings (Ft. Belvoir) Thick, thick shiggy on the "trail" has hashers running through creeks, hills, poison ivy, spider webs and open graves around Ft. Belvoir on a muggy day in Northern Virginia. The hares wear bug outfits before setting out, and the trail lives up to its name -- it's very buggy. A single bee causes carnage at the water stop -- dozens are stung, the first in a series of hashes featuring insect attacks. Trail ends outside an apartment complex, where the Dahmer cooler is buried in a moving ceremony and funeral procession. The hashit still doesn't show up.

July 29 Family Day Run
Hares: Dr.Jekyll, Cunning Runt, Poopdeck, Pitstop (Reston) Trix and flour marks the kids trail, run by lots'n'lots of kids. Byte runs amok with a squirt gun, as hashers run through creek beds and nettles (and more nettles) on their way through a tour of Reston. The down downs are unusually clean (language-wise, that is) and Hard Drive has a coronary trying to soak others with water balloons that won't burst. The hashit STILL doesn't show up -- Strangelove really deserves the hashit for this.

August 5 Hares: S'not, Hard Drive (Washington DC - Rock Creek Park) Another scorching day, and the hares take us on an hour and fifteen minute hash! Early on, several hashers step on a bee's nest, and a scene from the horror movie "The Swarm" ensues. Several false checks (?) confuse the FRB's, and then the pack heads into the park

• and stay in the park for a loooong time. Some give up, but most find the beer truck at the end. A float around S'not's pool soothes the pack's feelings. The hashit is sighted on the back of a milk carton on someone's breakfast table.

August 12 Wankers' 50th Birthday Run
Hares: Wankers Aweigh, Hot Legs (American University) No chalk, no mismanagement, no flour, no trail! No one solves the first check. No one finishes the trail. No one knows what's going on. Missing Link and others, seeing no flour, run to Sibley Hospital before turning around (that's a good mile or so in the opposite direction from true trail, by the way). Some run for more than an hour and forty-five minutes before packing it in. Oh yes, it's hot, too. A tattered crew sings down down songs weakly at the end. The hashit would go to Wankers had it been around. Memo: be careful about giving Dr.Strangelove the hashit.

August 19 White Trash Hash
Hares: Corkscrewed, Puss'n'Boots (Springfield) An awesome trail along both sides of Franconia-Springfield Parkway. Meeting outside a Methodist Church, hashers enjoy a cool day in August to run a remarkably reasonable trail (gosh, is this Mount Vernon?). Full Metal Balls wins the White Trash Award, being the only one to wear White Trash apparel (his natural look). Nobody's lost, hashers enjoy hot dogs on white bread at down downs. The hashit shows up!!!! Then it goes to Dual Airbags for whining (long overdue).

August 26 Hares: Dual Airbags, Pitstop, Heart On (Occaquan) A quick run through historic Occaquan, across the Occaquan River and back again (save shortcutters Mudbuns, Missing Link and Running Bare). On up -- and up and up during the second half, but at least the temperature isn't roasting. Down downs take place just off the backyard pool. Hashit goes to Pitstop for some reason, maybe because she (with a whole lot of others) is going to the Interhash the following week.

September 2 Hares: Missing Link, White Lightning (Hybla Valley) A crowd of 30 or so gather on Labor Day weekend for a mellow hash. A great trail runs past duck ponds, motels and road construction to the down downs outside a little league field. Most of the pack finishes within two minutes of each other, led by FRB's Corkscrewed and Hooked On Forensics. Down downs are very low-key, especially when the joint master-scribe-hare-on sec-religious adviser White Lightning can't remember the words to the songs. The hashit's in Florida.

September 9 The Collegiate Run
Hares: Burnt Socks, Rut Ro (Beacon Hill, VA) A gathering at an elementary school (with a few hashers wearing collegiate t-shirts) near Beacon Mall in northern Virginia follow hash down along creeks and through woods. First, a loop in the trail confuses everybody. Then there's a map (we think) on the three level parking lot that confuses everybody more. But we finish on Swarthmore, Kenyon and other university-named streets, thus the reason for wearing collegiate t-shirts. Down downs in BS's friend's backyard, but the hashit is still in Pitstop's hands (i.e., she didn't bring it). A lot of talk at the down downs about a woman who paints with her crotch...

September 16 Hares: Roto-Router, Hard Drive (near Fairfax) The run starts on a cul-de-sac between Rt.29 and Braddock Road. The trail claimed Wet'n'Wild earlier in the month, but everyone survives (more or less intact). Bush Master arrives late, and gets photographed for his trouble. Deep creeks, ankle-turning rocks, skin-shredding brambles -- are we having fun yet? Dogs Zella and Beezer keep up with the pack for quite some time, especially when the pack is needlessly running through waist deep shiggy. Chilled scratched itchy hashers stumble to the down downs, at least there's a keg. The hashit goes first to Slick Slit (on principle), but immediately goes to Dud Finder (for asking for presents for next week's run).

September 23 The Prenuptial Hash
Hares: Missing Link, Cross Hares, Dud Finder (Alexandria-Springfield) This hash was the morning after White Lightning's Bachelors Party, where we went to the Foxhole, had a couple of beers, ate some food and watched a baseball game, I swear. If Cross Hares went to a strip joint that night, he wasn't with us. Anyway, it was unseasonably cold that morning and MVH3 glove sales were good. Trail circled around several neighborhoods and returned to the back of the starting shopping center. This trail had several really good BT's as Byte and Cunning were seen passing hashers several times. They finally got tired of these BT's and decided to run through one. 15 minutes after the entire pack was in, they returned from their lengthy training run. This was the first MVH3 hash where a naming was delayed due to lack of material.

September 30 The Unofficial White Trash Hash Hares: Blank Check, Lick It Off Baby (Arlington, VA) Mild temps, low humidity, and sunny skies mark another perfect hash day. Hares lie by telling disgruntled pack to bring $2 and a flashlight; neither is required. Rambo shows up all the way from Michigan. Religious Advisor's better half has given birth to newest deviate. Congratulations to Mr and Mrs ShortCummings! Welcome to MVH3, Sabrina... During the run, the pack becomes confused with different trail markings (including the frequent use of maps) and the FRBs were Full Metal Balls, Poop Deck, and Quick Drawers. Normal FRBs, Byte Lightning, Missing Link, Bush Master, were last seen heading off into the sunset and finally finish well after the pack was devouring bologna sandwiches at the parking garage over I-66. Public Access reaffirms her name by starting with $2 but finishing with $6.

October 7 Oktoberfest Hash
Hares: Dr Strangelove, Wide Open (Springfield, VA) Hares leave early check sending the entire pack (sans Blank Check) astray. True trail passes through narrow drainage tunnel, giving Slick Slit fits with the Lil Emporer-mobile. None For Me makes a rare religious appearance at hash rather than with Pope in Baltimore. Trail passes along Accotink Park where the pack totally disrupts acres and acres of concentrating fly-fishermen. The Hares convince civilians lining the course to frequently offer misdirection to the deviates, who, of course, become totally befuddled! Byte Lightning is exceptionally bedazzled by the trail, running either past well-marked BTs or not following true trail far enough before surrendering and returning to the check. The final trail obstacle slowed all except Milk Money, who merely ran under... Hares provide sumptious beer spread. Pack is introduced to Nancy. Nancy drinks for whining that she's afraid that here, at her second hash (first was Full Moon), that she'd not get to drink anymore. We assuaged her fears.

October 14 Hares: Missing Link, Slick Slit (Burke, VA) The assembling pack watches the hares return from premarking the trail. Yes, they'll drink. Drill Her and Dry Comer finally get named, only after knocking Pit Stop to the ground near the end of the trail. Poop Deck and Burnt Sox, through an incredible amount of luck and some serious shortcutting, intercept Hares near finish and meander around waiting for the rest of the pack to arrive before continuing the run. Hares provide most excellent chicken salad and plenty of hash necessity (i.e., beer) at finish. This also turned out to be the start, causing Hard Drive no end of Bavarian Bush-like troubles. Yes, Mr Drive, the finish WAS the start!

October 21 Jailbreak Hash
Hares: Dual Airbags, Heart On, Pitstop (Lorton, Virginia) Hashers balk at starting the hash tied to one another, which would have been a hazard at the raging water crossing. The rainy day turns into a beautiful fall day as hashers complete the trail, which doesn't end at Tia's or Link's house! Dr.J tangles with the only strand of barbed wire on the course, and Running Bare picks up a virgin at the CrossPointe shops. Hashit goes to Byte Lightning, for failing to mark trail, as well as the usual general principles.

October 28 Halloween Hash
Harse: Stained Sheets, Blank Check, Corkscrewed (Kingstowne, Virginia) Ghouls, ghosts, and goobers gather in the gloom for ghastly gallivanting. The trail runs (or walks, it's so dark) through apartment complexes and past the entrance to the new Wal-Mart. The real trick or treat comes when the trail doesn't end at the Coast Guard Station, but instead a mile or two later at Ramsey's. Wet'N'Wild (Ms.Potato Head) and NORRRRMMMM!(Moe's Stoogitsu) win best costume, and Hard Drive(Gumby) leads the hash in a rubbery version of "YMCA". Other notable costumes include a mouse in mousetrap (with cheese!), road with roadkill, the Scarlet Letter and the Headless Hasher. Byte carries the hashit.

November 4 The Election/Erection Run
Hares: Public Access, Full Metal Balls, Overbooked (Arlington) A beautiful crisp fall day finds hashers (and several dogs) running around in circles in Arlington. The hills separate the athletes from the hashers, though the biological aid of dogs help the dog owners up several hills. Two hills toward the end stand out, with a large HOOOAAAH written across the road at the top. The trail ends out back of someone's house, though there's no food for awhile (but it's not like there's no beer or anything). Byte Lightning not only doesn't carry the hashit, he leaves the on on early! Missing Link drinks for him.

November 11 Hares: Eat It Raw, Achy Breaky Fart (Reston) The mismanagement leaves again, but a healthy crowd drives up to Reston for a great run. There's no flour leading from the checks, though -- so the pack stays together, running parts of the trail backward and generally getting lost. Two tunnels on the trail lead Dr. Jekyll and Cunning Runt to switch shorts during the hash. Missing Link and Toxic Cock lose the trail completely, and show up at the down downs some time after everyone else. The hash performs the worst version of Swing Low in the history of the song. The hashit doesn't show up.

Virginia's Interhash - November 10-12, 1995.

We drove. We drank. We huddled in the rain and wind and darkness and drank more. We attended Virginia's Interhash.

Richmond H3 had been planning this get-together over the previous two or three months, and they had a masterpiece in the works: three days, two nights of camping under the stars in the isolated woods near Lake Anna Park in Strasburg, with nothing but cloudless starry skies overhead and the pleasant company of good Hashers all around. Goodie goodie gumdrops! After only two or three wrong turns and a scary stretch behind the local sheriff, I pulled into the parking lot of the Lakewood Motel. I and the rest of the Mount Vernon H3, the Hash home to the hearty outdoors, had booked a suite of rooms for the Interhash in an effort to leave enough campground space at the Marina for other Hashers. Stumbling from the BurntSox mobile, I passed BLANK CHECK, RUTRO, LICK IT OFF BABY, SPREAD SHEETS and HARD DRIVE, who had changed into running gear and were walking across the street to mingle with the masses. FOR SALE OR RENT, HASHER HUMPER, and a few other White House Hashers were ready for action. I checked into POOP DECK's room, changed, and then watched FULL METAL BALLS and PIT STOP try on each other's clothes before the three of us moseyed on to the campground to join the Interhash proper.

Smells like teen hash: campfire burning brightly, smelly people in garish running gear standing around swilling beer and showing each other their scars. TWO DOGS FUCKING, WET AND DRY, DOCTOR D, ROLL ON, ORAL RETENTIVE, LONG AND HARD, SLAVE TO THE MATTRESS - these are a few of my favorite Hashers, and the ones I remember seeing in my first awe-ful view of Virginia's Second Interhash. I paid a few bucks to FUZZY BUTT and B CUBED, Richmond Harriettes who sat frozen behind a table with a bunch of boxes & stuff. They gave me a nifty name tag touting the pollution level in Lake Anna and let me stay for the weekend, so I was cool. I joined a singing circle that included SPINAL TAP and three guys from RAM H3 in Germany (BLOODY VIRGIN) and tried yet again to make up a new verse to "Chicago." Ended up drinking ... again. REAR BUCCANEER was trying to teach songs to MOREMORE BUNS [a pair of Hash names made for each other], who started as the "specially challenged" songstress of the day but learned a few verses by the time we went to bed. More people - ROTO ROUTER, SWEET CHEEKS, COLD CUTS, BIG BIRD, NO CLASS, MILK MONEY, HARD DRIVE, ZIPPY THE CYPERPIMP, PORK BELLY, BODY HEAT, RAUL. PUSSY WHIPPED was sporting his new clean-beaver shave, and I came to recognize CORNHOLE-E-O by an omnipresent wad of chew. QUICK DRAWERS and HIS SON were peddling cheap Hashwear (made in USA - right). More beer, more warmth, moremore buns ... this was getting good.

But, as often happens on these Hash gatherings, people started making noise about running. Into the darkness. Away from the fire. Away from the beer. This did not make sense. But someone started running. And someone else followed. And away we went. Amid cries of "Don't leave the camp!" the Virginia Interhash was underway. On, on. Of course, a large contingent stayed in camp, and I can only assume that they had sex while the rest of ran in the cold, following a trail set by ACCESS DENIED and LATECOMER. Why didn't DIXIE CUP/STEAMER lay trail?

The trail went into the woods. It was very dark in the woods. Fortunately, I had brought a flashlight. Unfortunately, SLIP KNOT had not. Fortunately, I loaned him my flashlight for the run. Unfortunately, SLIP KNOT lost it. Fortunately, I was able to run with other people who had flashlights. Unfortunately, the trail didn't make any sense. The highlights were knee-deep wading in chilly, brackish black water and a quick scamper across a beaver dam. (Minds out of the gutter, folks.) After a quick stop at a beer check, I ran back to camp with FULL METAL BALLS, changed into my funky cow pants, and kept drinking. There may have been food.

We had a quick round of down-downs. First, BIG BIRD also megaphone whipped COLD CUTS for providing him with a defective mouthpiece. We then dishonored the Hares and recognize exactly how far people were stupid enough to come to Virginia - the RAM Hashers won. And we kept drinking. I stayed around the campfire until the wee hours of the morning with BLOODY VIRGIN, REAR BUCCANEER, WET & DRY, and the RAM Hashers. WET & DRY offered to demonstrate her "Peter Meter," but I suggested she come back with a yardstick when she meant business. Across the campground, ACCESS DENIED had lit a special "Players Only" fire right outside his tent.

I awoke the next morning with a hangover not unlike two large Turkmenistani sisters sitting on my head, one on each temple. I staggered into the hotel's fine restaurant and chatted with MAX from New York, NO NEED FOR HEAT (recipient of the stupidest Interhashname) and a few others, who shunned the fine bagelry our Richmond hosts had prepared for us in favor of eggs and grits. What is a grit?

BIG BIRD and B CUBED had set a trail earlier than morning in beautiful crisp sunny weather, but by the time the pack took off at noon, gray skies had moved in and it had started to rain. This was a good trail - after a few confusing marks at the beginning of the run, we ran up and down, through hill and dale, through thicket and bog, blah, blah, blah. At one point, the trail ended up on the other side of the Lake from the campground, where DOCTOR D sat comfortably, with the megaphone in hand, encouraging us to short cut the trail and swim across the lake. There's always more than a fair share of idiots in a Hash crowd, and a few, including SEWER RAT, jumped into the frigid, semi-viscous water and swam across. SEWER RAT spent the two hours after the run standing in the campfire trying to dry his only pair of pants. RUT RO, NO CLASS & SWEET CHEEKS, meanwhile, commandeered a raft and paddled across the Lake. The rest of us kept running. And running. A beer check later, we found LONG AND HARD and AQUA NINYO, who had run the trail backwards from the first check. Excellent trail.

But now, of course, the weather sucked. Nonstop rain. Gusts of wind blew like homecoming queens. Yet I found a bit of Hash spirit and kept warm and dry and happy - 'cause I was hiding in the Blood Vessel, that black RV with a red number "3," formerly owned by Dale Earnhardt but now the party vehicle of HOT BLOOD, from the Carolina Trash Hash. While everyone else ran around outside flailing about trying to set up temporary shelters, I sat inside the climate controlled Blood Vessel with HOT BLOOD, RUSTED SHUT, SEWER RAT, WEEKEND PASS, REAR BUCCANEER,
P SQUARED, and WET & DRY chatting about how silly everyone looked outside and giving each other full body rubs. TWO DOGS FUCKING, dressed like a refugee from "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert," kept popping up outside our window, and PUSSY WHIPPED took out our fuses, but we kept on partying. Don't bother knockin' if Dale Earnhardt is rockin'!

Outside, in the winter storm, BIG BIRD attempted to convene down-downs in a little gazebo. I popped my head in long enough to see DOCTOR D and ACCESS DENIED on the ice. By this time, the Mount Vernon crew had come down from the hotel (it was halftime of the Ohio State game) to join the festivities. The caretaker of the campground also got curious and came down to join our merriment. He lost his footing in the mud slick in front of the gazebo, though, and went down face first into the ooze. Later, with a sickening crack, one of the gazebo's major support beams began to give way. After a moment of concern, we continued the down-downs. But it was cold and wet, and I eventually went back to the Blood Vessel, where we had hot toddies and foot massages. (I am now carrying RUSTED SHUT'S love child.) Hey, at least I did the dishes in the Blood Vessel - I paid my way!

As the evening wore on, it became apparent that something had to be done. After the delicious lasagna came, the Hash went mobile and hiked up the hotel, kegs in tow, for a little room hopping. Yeah, you were laughing at Mount Vernon, but it was a good thing when DIXIE CUP & NO CLASS opened their rooms for a continuation of the partying on dry land. The rain did stop, and PUSSY WHIPPED led the group back to the campground for the Naked Midnight Run. About 15 very stupid people bared all and ran about three minutes in the cold, but it was stupidity necessary to continue the tradition. Did I run? No: I was giving harriettes back rubs. Priorities, y'unnerstan. I really wanted to go to sleep at about one a.m., but I found myself locked out of my hotel room and came back to the campfire again. Around the campfire, we started naming people; PORK BELLY, DELIVERANCE and MORNING WOOD were christened for all hashdom. And we drank.

As always, though, there's usually an event that tells you that the party is finally over. I was about to pass out in a chair around the fire when CORNHOLE-E-O stumbled into the firelit circle and dropped to his knees. The first convulsion twisted his body and squeezed out a shapeless globule of vomit. The second convulsion threw CORNHOLE-E-O to the ground, and rolled him through the campfire. "Hey, get him outta the fire!" "No way, he's throwin' up." "Oh." CORNHOLE-E-O rolled through the fire, rose to his knees, and threw up on his jeans. And that's how I knew this party was over. Oh, sure, we could have renamed him "Spewing Fire" or something like that, but it was late, and I had to leave early the next morning.

And after a breakfast in the hotel with a bunch of dirty, malnourished, overexposed Hashers, I hopped in the car and drove back into the real world, but with a few questions unanswered. Was ACCESS granted? Did SLIP KNOT sleep in his car again? Did COLD CUTS actually find a trail before his Sunday morning run started? I don't know, and I don't really care. I had my fun, I drank my share of beer, and I'm ready for the next Interhash. Hats off to the Richmond H3 - for all you've done, I bid you a heartfelt "Fuck you!"

On-on, Anne Frank/Burnt Sox (Mount Vernon H3) Virginia Interhasher - 1995

November 18 Hares: Blank Check, Strip Search (Montclair) A cold day in Montclair, but hashers are undeterred. We run into the woods, but quickly slow to a walk as we wind through pine trees and up and down hills. Across 234, the FRB's can't find trail, so the entire pack stays together as the trail ends. Except for Byte Lightning and Missing Link, however, who were with the pack until, oh, about five minutes left in the trail. Someone dares criticize the Mount Vernon Hash naming committee, so he is henceforth and forevermore: Pigfucker. Reentry gets the hashit for failure to whistle, yell or mark on the trail (for shame!).

November 25 Thanksgiving Leftover Run (Falls Church) Hares: Poop Deck, Hard Drive, Lick It Off, Baby The hash gathers to celebrate Thanksgiving hash-style: burn the calories off, then put them right back on. The mismanagement doesn't show up again (except Missing Link and joint master-hare-haberdasher Poop Deck). The trail runs roughshod around Falls Church, through several streams and a really really long culvert. S'not finds the hares' flour on the trail (violation!). Two turkeys and a fifteen pound ham are devoured by the pack at the down downs. The hashit doesn't appear.

December 2 Whine and Dine Hash
Hares: Cork Screwed, Stained Sheets (Indian Head, MD) The hash gathers in Indian Head on a not-too-chilly day for another Whine and Dine hash. The pack runs around suburban streets (the Indian Head 10K portion of the trail) until heading into the marina and up a steep steep hill. The water stop at the top has jello shooters! After the hill, we run around some wide open plains back to suburban streets and into Cork Screwed's house for the on on. Beezer and Bear (dog-hashers) have as good a time as the hashers at the end, running amok while hashers enjoy better than average food. The hashit goes to Dr.Jekyll for racing at the beginning of the trail while everyone else is still walking.

December 9 Pearl Harbor Day Run
Hares: Dixie Cup, Roto Router, Hard Drive (Fairfax) The pack gathered at an elementary school in Fairfax to commemorate the bombing of Pearl Harbor. The hares try using Kool-Aid mixed in flour to mark trail on snow, which kind of worked -- next time, forget the grape, use cherry! A short trail through two inches of snow, with a beer check marked by the hares (three men writing their names in the snow...they need to work on their penmanship!). Trail ends in Dixie Cup's friend's backyard, with a bonfire next to a pond. During the on on on, Strip Search sits in the fire, rolls over backwards to escape the flames, and falls in the frozen pond (but doesn't spill her beer!). She is renamed Fire and Ice.