MVH3
If it ain’t live hare, it ain’t Mount Vernon.
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Run: # 676
Date:  June 24, 2000
Hares:  Micro Soft, Three Times A Lady, and See Dick Run
Location:  Fairfax County Government Center
Having been out of town the past few days, I wasn’t aware of the Buffet theme for this hash.  But as I drove up to the parking lot of this designer government building, I was overwhelmed by the tropical paradise J emanating from the massive stretch of asphalt (not to be confused with Ass Fault’s massive stretch of his own personal tropical palm tree).  More appropriately, this tropical paradise could be more accurately described as a Cheeseburger in Paradise – there was actually a gigantic blow-up cheeseburger smack dab in the middle of the parking lot.  And, this wasn’t just any ol’ blow-up toy, either.  This was one of those amusement park, trampoline-like blow-up jobs that Milk Money got from her school fair the week earlier.  Dangerously Close and Perk-a-Set were holding hands while they jumped up and down on the gigantic cheeseburger bun, while Missed Erections and Nippleless Cage were showing us their best cheerleader-style, splits-in-the-air jumps.  After witnessing this leg-spreading demonstration, Ranger Dick races off (leaving poor Mitey Tite standing there alone talking to himself) and climbs up the lettuce, tomato, and beef patty to reach the top of the bun.  I think he was hoping he might have someone bob up and down on his “sesame seeds” for awhile.

After mingling through this Hawaiian Puke-like dressed crowd to sign-in, I found Gladiater and Byte were wearing their best “I just went through the get laid line and all I got was this stinkin’ plastic lei” smile.  I guess Missing Link, who was giving his all to help the hash get in theme by handing out leis, wasn’t quite what those two were hoping for.  I then joined Late Comer, Fussy Bitch and Cunning Runt lounging by the pool side I (someone turned Wankers Aweigh’s new convertible into a makeshift pool while he was spray painting his wardrobe to match his new car).  Stained Sheets was fanning these lovely dames with a large palm leaf while they ordered around Leave It in Beaver and Big Bird Turd, who were appropriately dressed in little tropical waitress outfits and strappy high heel sandals.  Beaver and BBT were serving the crowd margaritas (what else considering today’s Buffet theme?) with those cute little umbrellas and were strutting around with way too much ease in those high heels.

When Blank Check discovered he could catapult off of the blow-up trampoline cheeseburger, do a triple flip in the air while touching his toes, and then splash into Wanker’s car, Late Comer and Hawaiian Puke decided it was time to call this hash to a start.  Since Barney’s Bitch went so overboard wearing a shirt with “Jimmy Buffet” written all over it, he was called out to lead us in Father Abraham.  Obviously, his shirt had special powers and BB broke out in a Buffet tune instead and started singing, ¯¯”And, if I had a pencil thin penis…” ¯¯ Obviously, BB has been spending too much time hanging out with Pinky Penis and not only forgot the real words to Buffet’s song, but also to Father A.

After walking up and down Fairfax County Road a few times, we then found ourselves going off road with the walkers for a brief moment leading the pack as the FRB’s.  Once on the trail, I overheard Just Frank whining how he so wanted to try jumping on the cheeseburger as he is really good at the splits as he was a cheerleader in high school.  But, he fears that if “I spread my legs too far, I’ll lose my virginity.”

After about 30 minutes or so, Late Comer brought it to everyone’s attention that this had to be one of the largest pack of walkers she had seen at Mt. Vernon in ages.  In fact there were so many walkers today, that when the walkers actually ran into the runners trail, the entire runners pack only consisted of Missing Link, Byte, and Quick Drawers.  (But, then, of course, QD never quite really counts as a true runner cause he shortcuts the whole damn thing anyway.)

After a short jaunt through a wooded area, we heard a cry for help from the woods.  Full Metal Balls was desperately pleading to us, “HELP, I’m lost!  Please send in a woman to find me!”  Interesting how no one even gave FMB a second thought (or even a first thought) and kept trudging along on trail.  Around the next bend though, we did find quite the trail souvenir as screams of terror emanated from Mellow Foreskin Cheese.  As we all froze in our tracks to discover what had upset MFC so greatly, we discovered a somewhat demolished red Ford car that had driven down this ravine and crashed into a tree at the bottom.  We all tried to calm him down as we assured him that this couldn’t be the car that hit him.  (It’s a good thing Rutro didn’t tell him about the imprint of an ON ON foot and the pieces of a cell phone she found on the bumper and tire of the car.)

As we left the wooded area and transitioned into this construction area, Fly the Friendly Thighs and Fire & Ice started running too fast down this hill and ran right into this big, thick, oozing, sticky mud puddle.  French Toasted said it reminded him of this mud-wrestling nightclub he frequents and asked them if they could perform some maneuver called the “Slide Me In and Pin Me Down” with him.  They weren’t willing to oblige him, but I did hear Dangerously Close mention something about using her suntan oil instead of mud.

So, the 60+ walkers and 3 runners met up at the ON IN to partake of the Hares’ wonderfully created Hasheritaville and the circle went something like this…

Anniversaries…
Toxic Shock – 15; Leave it in Beaver – 25
Pulls Out Early – 50; 14 Karat Cock – 50; Mellow Foreskin Cheese – 85; Hot Legs – 265; Blank Check – 400; and Quick Drawers – 435

Virgins
Frank Trotta, Janet Cave, Carey Jamerson, Mike Fegan

Visitors:  Utosser and ICE, both from Seattle

Returners:
Ass Fault, Pinky Penis, Pork Me The Other White Meat, and Just Jim Kahar

Namings:
Tim Alexander: Mounting Mama’s Ding-a-ling

Violations:
Wankers Aweigh: Dressing like wife’s new car
Hot Legs, Red Snapper: Dressing to match new car
Hot Legs: new car
Just Jim: New Shoes that he bought at K-Mart last night
Fly the Friendly Thighs: Cell phone, rooting around the liquor box
Fussy Bitch: sent 40 hashers right into a BT
Byte Lightning: trying to be a chocolate turtle
The Hares: No oreos, no WATER!, not enough sodas
Whore Moans: playing with her breasts
Hawaiian Puke: tried to run over a mother duck and her 6 ducklings
Utosser, Black Box, Perk-a-Set, Hot Legs: all own Chrysler convertibles

The hash came to a smashing halt when we all heard this loud POP!!!  Yes, Dear had bet Barney’s Bitch that he couldn’t do a quadruple flip in the air while bent over grabbing his ankles while jumping on the cheeseburger.  As BB was rounding out the fourth flip, he shrieked with pain (and ecstasy) as a giant albatross flew right into his ass.  BB let go of his ankles, belly flopped right on to the burger bun, and deflated our big hunk of meat.  Maybe that “pencil thin penis” stuff he was singing about earlier wasn’t just wishful thinking on his part?
ONe tit ONly
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Next Hash

Date: July 8, 2000

Hares:  Dual Air Bags, Full Metal Balls, Missing Link

Directions:
No directions supplied by hares.
Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit Hashit

Receding Hareline:
Hash 680 – July 15th – Duck Job and Bite Me Elmo
Hash 681 – July 22nd – Latin Analist
Hash 682 – July 29th – Steamer
Hash 683 – Aug 5th – Need Hares

For the latest MVH3 information, and links to all area hashes, visit Harddrive's web page:  http://www.dchashing.org/mvh3
If you still don't have internet access, get updates on area hashes on the hotline:  (202) PUDJAM0, take option 6 for MVH3.

Mismanagement:
Joint Masters – “Hawaiian Puke” and “Late Comer”
Religious Advisor – “Dual Air Bags”
Scribes – Jeanne-Marie “Blazing Straddle” and “ONe tit ONly”
Hash Register – “Black Box”
Hash Cash – “Pointless”
Hare Raiser – “Hollow Point”
Haberdasher – “Well Drilled Dry Hole”
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