After that little scenario, I thought I was ready for the day’s hash. I drove into the vast depths of the Multiplex’s parking lot looking for all of you wankers, but I instead found a gigantic group of women screaming in their most annoying, shrilling “Fabian-style” shrieks and jumping up and down around the wall that divided the theatre and Wal-Mart. Black Box was in the front of this howling pack of fanatical women & was trying to grab the feet that belonged to this very flexible and wildly-moving white polyester, sequined jumpsuit. Perk-a-Set got so excited that she fainted and knocked over Loan Shark like a domino. LS was standing right behind her, but was not paying any attention because he was feeling very jealous because someone else was getting the attention that should only be bequeathed upon the May Queen. With my curiosity highly aroused, I ran over to get close to the maddening crowd and I found what looked like Elvis holding a 4-foot fish like a guitar. Needing to get a little more altitude to get a closer look at why Elvis was holding a sea-bass, I jumped up on Mitey Tite’s shoulders and found that it was just Cum-By-Ya dressed up in the King’s garb – complete with those corny sideburns & everything – and swinging his pelvis faster than Ranger Dick can get turned down by chicks.
Apparently, as Cum-By-Ya was en route to the hash, he attracted quite a crowd across Alexandria. All these women started chanting, “Play your Bass! Play your bass!” Being as musically inept as Rhythm Method’s family is prolific, Cum-By-Ya didn’t know his fans meant they wanted him to play the guitar & sing one of the King’s platinum albums songs. So, out of his Coleman ice chest, he grabs this bass fish he caught in the Chesapeake that morning, jumped on the wall, zipped down his jumpsuit to reveal some cleavage, and started givin’ a little back to da ladies.
Byte, being the ho that he is, busted thru the crowd and started to try to get some for himself. Freaking out, Cum-By-Ya jumped off the wall and started running thru the Wal-Mart parking lot. The pack of wild, screaming women followed and pretty soon we were all on trail running through the typical PIO-style trail with lots of mud, shiggy, hills, and, of course a tunnel. Somehow, almost the entire pack got off trail and only a few hashers actually went thru the tunnel. As the whole pack was crossing over the road, we all heard these moans from emanating from the depths below like Satan himself was going to emerge from Hell. It was only, however, the hashers in the tunnel whining about how dark it was in the tunnel. Dual Air Bags ran back to the gutter drain to assist, being the team player that she is and always willing to lend a helping hand to her fellow hasher. However, in this situation it was more of the case of a helping ass. DAB dropped trou’ right in the middle of the street and stuck her bum in the drain to shed a little light on the situation.
The hares were called up to drink & there was an extra special honor for the two hot asses of the bunch. Puts It Out and French Toasted must have been having some bizarre internal digestive issues (i.e., flaming flatulence) because they were made to sit on big blocks of ice to do their down-downs. And, the rest of the circle went something like this…
Anniversaries
Gorilla in Our Midst – who didn’t get his 5 run noggin-band from last
time; Major Disappointment – 5, Gladiater – 15; Penis.cum – 25, Hawaiian
Puke – 135, Black Box – 155, Big Bird Turd – 165, Hollow Point – 195, Dr.
Strangelove – 325, Dr. Jekyll and Byte – both with 345 (isn’t that cute?
Any bets that they were all the same hashes?)
Virgins: Steve Bristow – Finger Pickin’ Good made him come – “show us your dick”
Visitors: Elvis (see above dialect)
Returners:
Bushwhacker, Fouck, Fossil, Orange Line to New Hurlington, Slick Slit,
Short Bus Bitch
Violations:
Just Peacock – matching BMW driving gloves for his BMW
Byte, Missing Link & Gladiater – screwing up all the Back Checks
& not marking trail as the FRB’s
Dual Air Bags – mooning the hashers in the tunnel
Dr. Strangelove – picking a fight with the trailer trash
Hawaiian Puke & Perk-a-Set – sex on trail – they came in 40 min.
after the pack & had way too much of a “glow”
Major Disappointment & Short Bus Bitch – sex on trail – emerged
from the woods together smokin’ a cigarette
Cheap Slut & Loan Shark – sex on trail; they revealed to me that
they both wanted to come in each other in their next life. I guess
they couldn’t wait.
Pinky Penis – surfed the shopping cart across the creek
Puts It Out – bumping & grinding the hashers on the car run
KY Belly – for yelling “show us your tits” to the old lady in the trailer
park that was calling the cops on us for trespassing
And, Elvis was called up as the final violator to serenade us in his
version of “¯I Ain’t nothin’ but a Hasher…¯”
Hashit
A conglomeration of a hashit was presented in the circle which looked
like 2 hashits had merged together in this interesting “69” style position.
KY Belly was unanimously awarded the Hashit during the violations rundown.
As we moved on to announcements for next week’s trail, Steamer started
announcing some more specifics for his trail. Missing Link, thinking
he actually knows more than other hashers, quickly interrupted Steamer
& proceeded to state that was not what was happening on their trail.
But, as always, ML had a few details missing in addition to his missing
genes and was appropriately corrected that his trail was not for another
TWO WEEKS. KY very humbly sauntered up to ML and graciously handed
over his recently honored award.
ONe tit ONly
Next Hash
Date: August 5, 2000
Hares: Full Metal Balls, Missing Link, Slip Knot
Location:
Directions:
Receding Hareline:
Hash 684 – Aug 12th – Bramble Bush and Physical Terrorist
Hash 685 – Aug 19th – Big Bird Turd
Hash 682 – Aug 26th – Well Drilled
Hash 683 – Sept 2nd – The Everyone but the Kitchen Sink Hash – Hares
include: Poop Deck, Screws Everybody, Milk Money, Pee-a-Pet, Chapaquickdick,
Standard Deviant, Bumper Sticker, and Artsy Tartsy.
Special Note: Rumor has it that Poop Deck has been trying really hard
to get in the Guinness Book of World Records. I don’t think he realizes
that having the most hares in one hash is actually a record-breaking category.
Maybe if some hasher owns a Volkswagon bug, we could help him out.
We can stuff all the hares in it after the trail & make them do the
down-down in the VW bug. Then, as the virgins, anal-verseraies, visitors,
violators, etc. get called up, they have to join them in the VW.
Special Announcement
Pudnocker & Nurse Crotchet (Craig & Jill Puz)
e-mail: JillPuz@aol.com
phone: 206-625-4556
Address: 303 10th Ave., Apt. 607
Seattle, WA 98122
They say would love to hear news from their friends in the MVH3.
It is best to catch them late in the afternoon. They go out a lot
so you may not reach them on the first try. I would recommend an
e-mail as the first line of communication.
Mismanagement:
Joint Masters – Rich “Hawaiian Puke” Walker and Carolyn “Late Comer”
Sutherland
Religious Advisor – “Dual Air Bags”
Scribes – “Blazing Straddle” and “ONe tit
ONly”
Hash Register – “Black Box”
Hash Cash – “Pointless”
Hare Raiser – “Hollow Point”
Haberdasher – “Well Drilled Dry Hole”