This little sideshow demonstration seemed to proliferate a long string of discussions about sexual food fetishes and turn-ons.  Once on trail, Drinks on Me Bud started chanting his personal motto of “Double the pleasure, double the fun.”  Like in DoubleMint Gum.  Except he had his own little twist on it – “Double my pleasure, I’ll Double your Fun.”  Mellow Foreskin Cheese said he likes to keep a small lunch cooler by the bed during foreplay that’s stocked with a few pastrami on ryes with mayo.  “I just find salted cured meats to be the most sensual of all meats,” he said with this lilting epicurean voice.  I then overheard Big Bird Turd talking about how it is more exciting for him to catch all his own food.  “Nothing like a good hunt to get your heart pumpin’ & your body parts thumpin’.  Although, I hear he prefers to “lasso” his meat.

Fire & Ice spent a good 20 minutes listing off all the foods that are aphrodisiacs for her – which included lots of small globular fruit, various soft cheeses, pork rinds, Slim Jims (as opposed to girthy Jims), and Wally’s nuts.  (OK, I think she must have meant walnuts – ehh, same difference.)  (As a side note, I also learned that cherries and grapes are a great substitute for benwa balls when in a pinch and that men who ride bikes a lot have small testicles.  I’m not sure how she got on the small balls topic, but I think it was related somehow to the grapes and cherries conversation and some question Loan Shark had about his Schwinn.)

While most of the group was talking about their sexual food fantasies, Cheap Slut preferred to smell like his.  After running with him on trail for a bit, I began to feel like I was gingerly reclining in a chaise lounge chair while sipping a fufu umbrella drink on the white volcanic sand beaches of some remote south pacific island while being fanned by some tanned and toned cabana boy.  Just as my havana hunk was about to rub the pina colada passion oil all over me, I was jolted out of my daze as Cheap Slut slid down one of the muddy hills, grabbed my shorts to break his fall, and pulled me down on top of him.  When I realized that it was CS that smelled like the tropical isles, I jumped off of him faster than TipHer WhipHer can tell a Republican joke.

Later, back at the ranch, Late Comer called the Hares up to the circle, but it turned out that half of the hares were still out on trail trying to locate their bags of flour.  Apparently, Hymen Dickover had forgotten where he had hidden his bags in the forest so all 4 hares had to share the 1 bag that Bramble Bush had brought.  So, only the 2 hares that were present drank, and the rest of the circle went something like this…

Virgins:     Shane Goodrich, Cindy Copanzzi (Fly the Friendly Thighs made her come), Ajit Pai, Poop Deck’s dog “Pee-a-Pet”

Anal-versaries:  Reid Mueller – 5, Dicksicle – 35, Cunning Runt – 200, and Blank Check – 405

There are some hashers among us who feel they’re too good to stay and hang out with the rest of us wankers for the circle.  Or, they have just taken too many lessons from fellow hasher Premature Evacuation. Remedial Anal-versary recipients are: Debutwat – 5, Bushwhacker – 5, Dicksickle – 25, Drinks on Me Bud – 25.

Visitors:
Cum On I Wanna Laya (Baltimore/Annapolis), Short Time (Abidjan), Bob Vickers, Shana Vickers, Snatch Shot (WH4), Bonnie Potter, Softie, Stan Beach, Mark Giebel Katie Krause

Returners:
Physical Terrorist, US Boobs & Oral Report, Ground Chuck, Betty Crotcher, Low Sperm Count

Violations:
Slip Knot – lost his shoes before the hash even started
Short Bus Bitch – new shoes
Red Snapper – wouldn’t take out the motorcycle because she thought it was going to rain
Big Bird Turd – suffering from Band Camp Reaction Syndrome – way too motivated on trail & described the trail as “normally”
Loan Shark & Ground Chuck – sex on trail
Fire & Ice – said pork rinds were a sexual turn-on for her
Tore Ass – when asked about Fire & Ice’s sexual food fetish, he said “my pork isn’t that crunchy or salty!”
Steamer – his dog wouldn’t shut up
The FRB’s (Byte, Cunning Runt, Dr. Jekyll…) – not marking the trail
US Boobs & Oral Report – asked for a glass of Chardonnay for her down-down
Just Carl – his wife had their 3rd baby LAST NIGHT, & he’s hashing this morning!!
Loan Shark & Fire and Ice – thought the ‘E’ on the Turkey/Eagle split was for easy

August Birthdays:   Wankers Aweigh & Latin Analist

Namings:
Major Disappointment
Major D recounted his original naming story about how his first time at a hash he went home with some female hasher.  As the story goes from the harriette’s point of view, “it was easier to stuff a marshmallow in a soda straw.”  Certainly sounds like the Big D, not the Big O.  A call was made for other suggestions & Snatch Shot informed us of Major D’s relentless obsession with trying to name someone “Gerbil Squeezer”.  From the nominations of Major Disappointment and Major Gerbil Squeezer, it was an overwhelming majority for the latter.

Reid Mueller
This poor, pathetic injured hasher hobbled and hopped up to the front of the circle.  Just Reid had gotten overly-excited when Short Bus Bitch was talking about her fixation with tubers.  Second Cuming, being unfamiliar with the tuber family, needed some clarification.  SBB, in her best teacher voice, iterates “a tuber is a short, fleshy underground stem with a small knobby prominence or outgrowth.”  Just Reid’s heart started pumping so fast he tripped down one of those really slippery, big muddy hills, knocked down Yank Me Out and US Boobs & Oral Report like bowling pins, until he finally came to a crashing halt right underneath Bad Dog.  Poor Just Reid’s ankle swelled up as big as Ranger Dick’s nipples, so he was unanimously named Throbbing Member.

Hashit
Hmmmmm….  Well, uh..  Yea, I don’t remember anything about the Hashit.
ONe tit ONly
Next Hash
Date: #686, August 26, 2000
Hares: Well Drilled, Yank Me Out, & Major Disappointment
Location: Behind the Omni Shoreham Hotel (28th
St. & Rock Creek Drive) in NW DC
Other: Trail is tough dog friendly, but not stroller friendly.  Walking trail is stroller friendly, but not dog friendly.  An urban shiggy trail.  Bring dry shoes.  Hopefully no PI.
Directions:
From VA
From Memorial Bridge, go over the bridge in the right lane, take a right to loop back under the bridge.  After going under the bridge get in your far left lane & you are on the Rock Creek Pkwy.  Drive 2 to 4 miles to the Connecticut Ave. exit (left exit). Continue with *** Directions below.
From Roosevelt Bridge, take left exit toward E St., stay left toward Whitehurst & Rock Creek.  Left at fork, Right at Light on VA Ave, Right at light onto Pkwy.  Drive about 2 miles to Connecticut Ave. exit (left exit).  Continue with *** Directions below.
From the 395 over 14th Street Bridge, go to the Memorial Bridge (the left exit that says "Memorial Bridge" as you begin crossing the 14th Street Bridge).
Alternatively, take your best route to Conn. Ave, go north, left on Calvert just over Taft Bridge. Go through 2 lights, left on 28th (no sign & no light, but there is a left turn lane).
***Left at 1st light on Calvert St. Pass 1 light & the Omni Shoreham & take immediate left after hotel on 28th St (no sign & no light, but there is a left turn lane).  28th ends in Rock Creek Dr.  Park on 28th or Rock Creek Dr.
From Maryland
Beach Drive is closed on weekends, so take your best Route to Connecticut.  Drive South to Calvert and go right.  Go through 2 lights & take a left on 28th immediately after hotel.  28th ends into Rock Creek Drive.  Park on 28th or Rock Creek Drive.

Receding Hareline:
Hash 687 – Sep  2nd – Poop Deck, Screws Everybody, Milk Money, Pee-a-Pet, Chapaquickdick, Standard Deviant, Bumper Sticker, and Artsy Tartsy
Hash 688 – Sep  9th – NEED HARES!!!
Hash 689 – Sep 16th – 3 Times a Lady & Becus He Can
Hash 690 – Sep 23rd – See Dick Run (Pre-Nup Hash)

Mismanagement:
Joint Masters – Rich “Hawaiian Puke” Walker and Carolyn “Late Comer” Sutherland
Religious Advisor – Tia “Dual Air Bags” Perry
Scribes – Jeanne-Marie “Blazing Straddle” Thomas and Sheri “ONe tit ONly” Baxter
Hash Register – Patti “Black Box” Thomas
Hash Cash – “Pointless”
Hare Raiser – Millard “Hollow Point” Stahle
Haberdasher – Kerry “Well Drilled Dry Hole” Owens
 
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