Just about when the Pimp of Sarajevo was contemplating becoming the
Canine Pimp of Vienna, I heard a bugle sound from the distant fields beyond
tolling out to us like the heralders of King Charlemagne in the Charge
of the Light Brigade. However, this drum and bugle call was a bit
more reminiscent of the midnight ride of Paul Revere. After the bugle
sounded, the crowd silenced and surrounded the bugler – who turned out
to be Great Balls of Fire. GBOF stopped blowing (on his horn, that
is) and began chanting,
“Now listen fellow hashers and you’ll admire, the midnight proposal
of Great Balls of Fire.”
And, then GBOF pulls out a black leather jacket (which looked a lot
like Danny Zucko’s from Grease) from his hash bag and proceeds to launch
into this song and dance tune telling us how he and Bite Me Elmo had recently
gotten engaged. Before I knew it, Leave it In Beaver, Stained
Sheets, and Barney’s Bitch had also donned black leather jackets – complete
with “The Thunderbirds” embroidered on them – and were singing doo-wop
back up to GBOF. Obviously, GBOF had taken BME to a Broadway play
to propose and was wanting to relive the night. Just when I thought
I’d seen it all, I heard someone squeel, “Its so big.” I decided
that I definitely needed to meet that hasher, but instead found Bite Me
Elmo showing off her ring and being surrounded by a crowd wearing bright
pink satin jackets. This group of “Pink Ladies” – consisting of Black
Box, Milk Money, and Byte – picked right up where the men left off
& began skipping and singing, ¯¯“Tell me More, tell me more,
like does he have a car?” ¯¯ Byte, being the ho that he
is, must have been filling the role of Rizzo, as for his solo line he piped
in with “¯¯Tell Me more, tell me more, like how long is his schlong?
¯¯” Pretty soon, the whole hash was singing “Sho-do-bop-bop,
sho-do-bop-bop” and skipping along on trail. Skipping at least until
we hit that tunnel, river, shiggy, PI, mud, more river, more PI and shiggy,
etc, etc.
When I heard more squeels, I thought everyone was going to start singing again, but thank God it was just Short Bus Bitch and Holy Tit! being swallowed up by the stream (which just happened to only come up to Bavarian Bush’s ankles), so I just ignored them like everyone else and kept running. After picking up a few more dogs on trail (we had to make up for the two hashers we lost in the creek), I knew the trail had to becoming to a end soon when I saw Mellow Foreskin Cheese running faster than Major Disappointment can say something really stupid. MFC was really, really jealous that he didn’t get to be one of the “Pink Ladies”. So, when Black Box was consoling Mitey Tite because someone told a lawyer joke and he was feeling very dejected, MFC snatched her pink satin jacket and took off like the wind. Ms. Box tackled him just as we all reached Big Bird’s house. But, all the hashers left those two to roll around in privacy on BBT’s front yard to mingle, eat and drink.
The Hares were called up to drink, but the only hare present was Nippleless Cage cause Big Bird Turd and Dances with Dildos were off having sex. So, Dual Air Bags called up Full Metal Balls to replace BBT because they’re both Vietnam Vets and Well Drilled was called up to replace DWD because…well, I won’t get into that now. Soon after their down-down, a glowing BBT and DWD (with cigar and cigarette in hand, respectively) decided to join the group and all hares and replacement hares were made to come drink again. And, the rest of the circle went something like this…
Anal-versaries
Yet again we had to hold a “remedial headband drinking session” which
consisted only of JAG Queen for earning his 5 run headband months ago.
Other anal-verseraries included: Just Frank Trotta and Low Sperm
Count – both with 5; TipHer WhipHer – 15; Pointless – 35; Drops a Load
– 50; Pay Per View – 69; Bramble Bush – 85; Nurse Crotchett – 95; Milk
Money – 169; Full Metal Balls - 245
Virgins
Just Jeff Neradka – made himself come – say hello to “Likes it by himself”
– I’m sad to report that my fellow tits did a pathetic, unoriginal, barely
audible rendition of the oldie, but the goodie, “Show us your dick”
Visitors
Ass Ogre – OTH & Wind Beneath My Weenie – WH4
Returners
Wine & Cheese, Golden Geek, Czech My Bush, JAG Queen, Bull Shit,
Pudnocker, Nurse Crotchett, Seldom Cums, and Pork Meat
Namings
Barbara Oukrop was called front to be asked the typical naming questions
to which we quickly ignored and sent her away so as to make up our own
stories. Her last name alone spurred the suggestion of O’ My Achin’
Crotch. A story was told where Just Barbara had volunteered for the
Red Cross years ago in which she was assigned to check all the surgical
rubber gloves to ensure that none of them had any holes in them.
In order to provide this quality assurance, she had to blow very strongly
into the gloves until they became quite rigid to fully expand the rubber
just before the point where it would burst. From this story, we got
the names of Hand Job, The Utter One, and Utter Crap. Yet another
one of her “friends” told us about how difficult it is to get Barbara to
shut up – which spawned the names of Put a Cork in It, Put a Pork in Her,
Cork Her, and Pork n Run. But, now and henceforth in the world
of hashing, Barbara will be known as Packed with Seaman.
Violations
Bite Me Elmo & Great Balls of Fire for getting engaged!
Steamer – being a show off wearing a “Top Gun” t-shirt
Blank Check – driving into the hash start while on his cell phone getting
directions from PUD-JAM
Well Drilled – Holy Tit! had to pick up her r*ace t-shirt for her for
a r*ace she didn’t even run
Holy Tit! – for whining about it
Fly The Friendly Thighs – for doing her “I’m a hottie” exercises before
the hash
JAG Queen – stopping at all the yard sales along trail to look for
dead animals to hang at his new pad
Dangerously Close – had 1 map for 30 walkers & then took off leaving
the walkers behind
Tore Ass – complaining to me that there were too many dogs here today
and that I should violate all the hashers who brought their dog and when
he walked away he stepped in dog poo
French Toasted – wearing a t-shirt that has a map to Big Bird Turd’s
house on it
Hashit
Can you believe it? I missed this part again.
Whistle check was called & before I knew it the circle was over
because I was quite distracted by some weird sexual thing Tore Ass and
Fire & Ice were doing with their whistles. Some how they had
gotten into this contorted position with their necks and whistles and collars
and tongues and lips and tails and fur all twisted around each other like
they had morphed together into one giant furry hasher. Then, I realized
that some of the hounds were a little turned on to the display too and
decided to join in. This is after all an equal opportunity hash where
dogs and humans alike are both provided equal opportunities to turn the
stomachs or sexually excite anyone present. I’d say “May the Hash
Get a Piece”, but most seemed to be getting a piece of the wonder-morphing
twins action anyhow.
ONe tit ONly
Next Hash
Date: September 2, the “Cheap-Labor Day Hash”
Hares: Poop Deck, Screws Everybody, Milk Money, Pee-a-Pet, Chapaquickdick,
Standard Deviant, Bumper Sticker, Artsy Tartsy, Drops a Load
Location: Centreville High School parking lot
Directions: From the Beltway, take I-66 West. Take the Fairfax
County Pkwy exit (South) to the second exit Braddock Rd). At the
stoplight, turn right onto Braddock Road. At the second stoplight, turn
left onto Union Mill Rd. About a 1/4 mile on the left, turn into
the Centreville High School parking lot. Look for the Hash Labor
Union picketing for more beer.
Receding Hareline
Hash 688 - Sept 9th – Cheap Slut
Hash 689 - Sept 16th – 3 Times a Lady & Becus He Can
Hash 690 - Sept 23rd – See Dick Run (pre-nup hash)
Hash 691 - Sept 30th – Need Hares!!
Hash 692 – Oct 7th – this hash will be….
The 7th Annual Washington DC Area Red Dress Run
Time: Registration begins at 1:30p, hares away at 3p
Start: Lulu’s New Orleans Cafe, 1217 22nd Street, NW (22nd and M Streets),
Washington, D.C.
Cost: $35 if postmarked on or before September 2
Mismanagement
Joint Masters – Carolyn “Late Cummer” and “Hawaiian
Puke”
Religious Advisors – “Dual Air Bags”
Scribes – “Blazing Straddles” and “ONe tit ONly”
Hash Register – “Black Box”
Hash Cash – “Pointless”
Hare Raiser – “Hollow Point”
Haberdasher – “Well Drilled”