I just want you all to know that I wish I were with you right now but, I'm probably on the highway somewhere between Columbus and Dayton, Ohio.  As I am the promised child in my family - I'm visiting my 2 elderly, crippled and deeply religious aunts, in their time of need.  Oh yeah - I've gotta big presentation on Monday in Columbus too…. Please be kind to Oil of Nolay in my absence.

Last Saturday was a beautiful day - the antithesis of the week before! The sun was shining as I drove up to the deviants - but the cloud cover took over before long.  Clearly the gods were feeling sorry for us after last week and they decided to hold the rain back long enough for us to dig our way out of the woods!

Anyone find a Tick on them?  I found 1 when I got home.  I know Only 2? Found at least 2 on himself.  Friendly reminder, this is tick season… check yourself after every hash!  Or, have someone feel you up as an excuse to look for those dangerous critters!

So, there were a lot of fashionable hashers…. Including Roto, the hares, Full Metal Balls, and of course, who could forget the fashion statements made by the internet purchases of Cheap Slut and Loan Shark.  They actually showed up this week, before the pack left!  Me thinks that alone may be worthy of the hashit but,… S’not!… considered the grass stain on his shorts to be combat attire.  Come to think of it… I hope those were grass stains!  We waited for MFC to call circle to order and he introduced a gaggle of virgins to the crowd.  It was amazing to see the ranks of the virgins rise - and to see Rocky Whore back in business; she managed to scramble together a single virgin (Just Mike) for this week.  We even had a visitor from a hash in Guatemalia - Just Kathy, I think.  She'll forgive me if I get her name wrong… and if she doesn't….oh well. Surprisingly absent this week was Just Adam, who is a local yocal from Leesburg…. I suspect that his concern over his pending naming may have driven him off until he thinks we've forgotten about it.

After Father Spencer Abraham was sung and the pack started to meander, we headed across the street toward a very nasty hill of clay-colored muck!  And what a hill it was - kudos to the hares for convincing the pack of lemmings to climb up one side and immediately climb down the other.  The walkers were at the mercy of Fire & Ice and Screws Everybody and MFC. Two of these 3 people had maps and we still got lost! <sigh>  We followed the high road, through a BT and wound up face to face with the runners.  En route however, I noticed a nice soft, brown pretzel-looking doo-doo and figured the Mystery Sh*tter had gone that way, and therefore I should not!  I followed MFC until he decided to circle back the way the runners had just come…. Through a check that led them on to the BT we'd just blown through.   As Puke ran by us , back toward the mound of muddy clay, we heard him exclaim, "Hey - you're heading the wrong way!"  Did we heed him?  Of cour-S'not!!  At this point in time, we were back over by the MCI/Worldcom buildings and decided to head for higher ground, figuring the VC would never find us there, if we took them out while they were passed out….from the beer snacks the hares had left behind.

Face plants abounded on the runners trail after that point.  I heard that Roto, Double Blow 7, the Pimp of Sarajevo, and Just Ross all fell face first in a puddle of mud… I guess once Roto did it, everyone else thought it looked interesting enough to try at least.  Man, he's cool….. I wanna be just like him… splat!!!  "oops… that hurts like sh*t."  Forgive my potty mouth… Then there was the other troubled virgin, Just Mike.  It wasn't enough that Rocky Whore made him cum that morning…. But he started whining on trail because his whistle wasn't as cool as some of the more seasoned hashers around..  Do I hear a Stratavinski playing?  WAAAAAHHHHH.  I think I'm beginning to sound like DAB - mental note, stop hanging around with DAB.
So, back to my story.. we all sat around and looked at each other for a while… Just Kathy, Only 2?, Screws Everybody, Fire & Ice and we decided to stay on higher ground and head East.. just as the map showed us.  We walked and talked and debated and berated… and then we saw it.  It was almost just a glimmer… but there it goes again.  It's a Hare!!!  We saw Pinky Penis (P2) laying his trail through the clearing and back into the brush…. No mercy for the enemy!!  Well,,, actually, what happened is that the hares placed the gallons of water on top of some old condoms.. so when we poured the water... there were the nasty old used condoms half decayed.  I assume they were used because they were unrolled.  I did NOT inspect them further -- though I placed them on a stick and put them in plain view of anyone who might have stopped for water.

I walked over to the edge of the hill we were standing on,... and I saw a few porn mags on the ground.  Not just any porn... EURO-porn.  EURO porn is expensive stuff.. like $20 each!  I thought i"d share it and display it with the used condoms... and that's when I saw it - more later on that topic….

 We saw most of the pack blow by the water check.,.. as we descended back into the jungles of Ashburn.  We walked down the trail.. various runners weaving in and out… shoes gushing in the mud.  This would have been an awesome trail had everyone worn new shoes.  Maybe we should have a new shoes only hash sometime….?!  The mud was thick and nasty - I heard that lots of people suffered the suck-a-shoe from the mud monster.  Then, we saw it in the clearing, like a mirage.  We thought we were seeing things and as we approached the fantasy became reality.  The Hares were on the other side of the bridge, chilled beer and of course… deli sandwiches.  They actually had a keg!  Points to the hares for draggin a keg out there and actually bothering to try to chill it.  The pack slowly slunk its way in - I'd estimate that I arrived about half way through the pack.  I noted the amphibian approach made by Roto and commented on how brave he was to expose his skin to the thin brown muck that flowed by the banks where we sat on the dock of the bay…after all, Mary F'n Poopins was sitting on the bank.  Who knows what muck it was?

Let's see… Dr. Jakal commented on the fact that 25 hash trashes just wasn't enough to go around!  He took them for distribution.  Then I heard a lot of whining from the front hood of P2's truck as Back Snatch harassed Throbbing Member about the directions to the trail.  You made it didn't ya?  Well then all right… quitcherbitchin, as my hash mug says.  DAB & FMB called the circle to order and all hell broke loose.  First the virgins…. Just Mike (Rocky Whore made him cum), Just James (Horny Toad), Just Travis (Don't Let Your Meat Loaf), Just Dave  (was made to cum by Just Travis-- I don't think I want to go there at this moment!), Just Katy (herself),  and Just Ross (who came for Double Blow 7).  Our only visitor was Sticky Throttle - so I must be confused about Just Kathy from Guatemalia (but I know she doesn't have a name yet). Then the anal-versarians. Mangina (5), No Genitals (50), 14K Cock (69), Dangerously Close (105), Bcuz He Can (105),  Screws Everybody (150), Hawaiian Puke (165), and
Dual Airbags (285).

Then the violations…. I don't make em up and I'm not that witty….so don't shot the messenger if they suck! The hares were reported too many times to write up here… but MFC had the best reason to make them drink.  We (Hashers) spent more money to get to the hash and to get home (in tolls) than we pay to hash every week!  DAB made them drink once before for whining about the directions and complaining about having to do a down down the week previous…WAAAAAAAAHHH.  Roto was pulled into the circle for actually bringing a map on trail in case he got lost, he'd be able to find his way back to Warrenton.  He was also blamed/credited for the amphibian assault and the face plant.  Then .. the boys who followed face plant suit were acknowledged….. then we pulled in Back Snatch for all his whining.  Of course.. the highlight was the snippet of Porn I picked up from the magazine.  Suffice to say….. the "model" beared an uncanny resemblence to Well Drilled. In addition to her side career, WD was called to drink along with FMB and Blazing Straddle for the RRRR they all participated in before the hash.  WD, they say everyone has a twin…. I guess we found yours!  You can reach her at 00-852-1725-9646 but remember, since this is Euro Porn, I'm not sure what country code you'll need before you start dialing that #.

Hashit was awarded after many run offs between DAB, (who forgot to add anything to the hashit), the hares, (just bcuz) and after much poop and circumcision to the CBT Twins, of Loan Shark and Cheap Slut.  Isn't the internet a wonderful thing????

Ok… I'm outta here… you gotta live with Oil writing this up next week…. I can't claim any responsibility for what he spews ... on paper, that is.
 
Fussy (don't mess with the Bitch)

Hash # 729
Directions to next weeks hash: June 16, 2001
Hares: FMB, Well Drilled, and DAB

The Start: The Parking Lot outside the fence at The Intelligence and Security Command (INSCOM), 8825 Beulah St., Fort Belvoir, VA
1.  From Springfield take 95 South, From Lorton take 95 North and exit at the Newington/Fort Belvoir exit.  This is the exit where EXXON has its tank farm.
2.  Head (who said Head) towards Fort Belvoir. You will pass NTB, and a secret government installation on your left and the tank farm on your right.
3.  Proceed under Telegraph Road.
4.  At the next light, after Telegraph Road, turn left at John J. Kingman
St.  If you miss this turn, you will dead end at RT 1.  Go through two
lights (stop, if they are red) and turn right at the next light on to Beulah. Go
about one hundred yards and turn left into the parking lot and hash.  Oh, park first, pay your money and THEN hash.

WARNING:  This trail has everything: flies, deer, swamp, water, mud, snakes, drunks sleeping in the woods, shiggy, PI, hostile MP's, slow single track trail, fast trail, etc.  What it doesn't have is permission from the Fort Belvoir authorities.  Stay away from signs and areas that say "The use of lethal force is authorized".