Friday Pub Crawl  4 May 2001
Record Attendance: 63

The pub crawl started just moments after we arrived.  Barely in time to grab a slab of the last pizza, unload 3 dogs, check in (thanks Hard Drive), and grab a cup… I looked out and the place was empty! I knew Black Box was smart (a/k/a organized) enough to provide the names of the establishments on route.  So, we hoped in the car, with For Sale or Rent in the back, and drove on scenic and beautiful downtown Warrenton, VA.

Stop #1 took us to bar #3.  Oh wait…. I’m confused.  We went the wrong way and ended up at Bar #3, until we turned around (with a man driving) and found Bar #1… the lovely and sparkly Second Street Café. Once inside, I coughed up $9 for a drink and a beer – only to turn around and catch a glimpse of Hawaiian Puke’s striptease act with the sombrero.  Ladies, if you’re a Puke lover…. You missed this!!!  Well, Granny Boulders had the right idea.. stuffin cash down his pants but she was the only one to cough up the dough to keep the show! I wonder if the cash came from her wallet or Flying Burrito’s pocket… Regardless, Puke got himself at least 1 free drink that night!  ON ON to Stop #2.  This place looked far too nice for the likes of these hashers.  And the management agreed.  The bar was small and boring… so we left.  No good details to give here… ON ON to Stop #3, which is really stop # 1 for some of us.  Anyhoo….  Stop #3 shocked us with a cover charge to get inside.  We decided to go out on the balcony buy a bunch of pitchers of cheap beer, and contemplate our next move.  Cheap domestic swill came out within a few moments and the masses imbibed the barley/hops amalgamation. A few stayed behind – my faithful companions and I headed for Applebee’s in search of a cheap happy hour /cinqo de mayo special.  We found them and after several (and the watching of the Yankees cream the Baltimore O’s), headed back to meet the entourage at the lovely and sparkly Second Street Café once again.  Toonage was playing, skin was showing… lots of semi-naked bra dancing!  I don’t want to get anyone into trouble, and for a small fee, I can forget that I saw TipHer WhipHer, Exibit A&B, Sloppy Drunk, the Babysitter (as they will be referred to from here on out) and a few others dancing on the stage to the computerized funkadelic sounds of Master Ho and the Posse.   We left after berating Hard Drive for a while.  It was fun  - you should try it sometime.  We found the hare for Saturday swilling beer, holding up the bar – all of a sudden the Village People starting singing and Roto went off to strut some booty. As I turned to view the stage, I noticed it looked like aerobics for drunks on that stage!  Put a fork in me, I’m done.

Run #  722 5 May 2001
Hares: Roto, Blazing Straddle, Nightcrawler, Dual Airbags, Hawaiian Puke
Record Attendance: 93

Pekoe’s 2 ¢
Why are all these people getting in my way?  I just wanna bite those other bitches (sniff, sniff).  Oooh, there's Late Cummer, maybe she'll give me a snack.  Shit!  Ooh, there's Blank Check, he's a sloppy eater ... Stained Sheets and GBOF ... pay dirt!  Lemme just hang out here real cool like and -- Zoie!  I'll eat your ass, come here!  SLAM!  My room again?  Hey, what happened?

Gorgeous day.  Got out to Roto's house about, oh hell, what time was it?  It was not real early, which is good.  Folks were pouring in, lookin' all chipper, ready for a good day's drinkin' and cavortin.'  Several folks were clad in PI-retardant garb (PayPerView, PerkaSet, Hops, PudNocker, etc.) while others (Nurse Crotchet, Cunning Runt, French Toasted, Dr. Jekyll) jeered at Mother Nature, inviting her to dish out her wurst (hmmm, think it's time for a sandwich!).  Those who refused to pay homage were soon to feel Her wrath.

We were shuttled out to the start of trail in Just Adam's truck, who, by the way, can/does actually read.  And not just the government warning on the beer label.  He said he read about hashing in Cosmo.  Flying Burrito then shared a tip
on using cumquat juice to remove dribble stains, a tip Black Box (pardon me a second here ... mm, Black Box, balloons ...o!  wait – we’’ll save that for later!) was quick to snatch up.  Speaking of…., SnatchShot, Twatzup?, the Babysitter and Don't Let Your Meat Loaf were spied on trail asking a local farmer if they could try their hands at milking a cow.  The farmer replied, "ain't got no milk cows, only bulls."  At which point Holy Tit, Jag, Crafty and Two Lips in the Bush elbowed their way in to finish the negotiations.  The pack moved on before a deal had been struck.
Ok, trail.  Dirt road, split left (shiggy) and right (more dirt road).  Naturally, shiggy wins.  Cunning Runt blows a tire, hobbles rest of trail.  Gets big-ass cast, joins Byte Lightning on the "Requires prophylactic gear on trail" team.  Byte, where IS your hard hat?  Hash shit not seen on trail.  Creek, creek, creek.  Logging road.  Up a hill, over the fence ... the hills are alive, through the valley, up the hill to the water stop.  Beer?  Hmmm ... the hill that won't end, stop to pee on the ivy, say hello to passersby, into the field, S’not tries to seduce a goose and we're home.  Wash off the PI (thanks Roto and Nightcrawler for the soap!), rinse the dogs, grab a sandwich, sit your big ass down ... ready to quaff once again!

Circle consisted of the usual visitors, returners, analversaries, violations, and of course the Namings!
Visitors included Bun Warmer and Warmers Buns from Costa Rica (think they’re a couple?), A$$ for Ca$h (OTH) and Willie (DC Mens Hash).  Long time no see-ers included 2 of the hares (which we know should never drink alone) Nightcrawler & Roto, Cross Hares, and Just Rob.  Then we had a crapload of Anal-verse-sorrys including Rocky Whore (25), Porta Potter (25), Nippless Cage (35), Cums in 3 Qts (55), Whore Moans (65), PPV (95) and the special 200 club….. BBT,  Milk Money, Yes! Dear, and Rutro.  Violations included all the drunks who got so toasted the previous night….. ( ie Well Drilled and the Sloppy Ho gang), the acceptable loss for the day, Cunning Runt, for fracturing her ankle on trail!, Holy Tit for jumping the fence after he was told not too. A slew of folks for new shoes, and Perk-A-Set for avoiding the small open gate in favor of exercising her bi-cepts while trying to open the larger locked gate. I attempted to get Flying Burrito, Blank Check and Hawaiian Puke for the “more heinous than usual” fashions disasters they were in, but….as Dual reminds me often, I had to “Sit down and shut – up. Jesus may love you, but I do not!”

Then, we come to the namings…. Always the best part of circle….  Never Saw Him Cumming had to defend her name.  All she really said was that there was goo on the sheets the morning after and she didn’t hear from him again…..tsk tsk.  Lame story…..She was sent to exile in the barn with the lions and tigers and bears, Oh my! We saw a very bare breasted photo and heard some tales of “girls night out” experience from Snatch Shot and Tip-her Whip-her, and her trip to Mardi Gras.  She was caught playing “leap frog” in the hotel room instead of drinking Hurricanes on the streets of N’awlins till the wee hours.  The options became, Floppy Tits, Floppy Frog, Leap Frog, Muff Diving lunatic but, commencing now, in MVH3 and throughout the world of hashing she will be known as Horny Toad.  Say buh-bye to Never Saw him Cumming.

Then, the ultimate tragedy.  That which I’ve worked for - for so damn long!!  Just Matthew (the better half of Exhibit A&B) was due for a name.  He’s a wine taster and according to Black Box he really knows his stuff, he’s “Really Good”. Other suggestions included Whine in a Box, No Head, Ripple Pink, Screw Off, and of course, Jizz Bucket.  The crowd was hushed to vote and Jizz Bucket was the clear winner until…….. Dual had to get Exhibit A&B’s approval, to which she responded, “No way in Hell”.. Henceforth and forever more, in MVH3 and throughout the world of hashing, he will be known as No way in Hell.  Damn It!  Jizz Bucket thwarted again!

Then, we initiated the new May Queen.  Pudknocker gracefully accepted the crowning glory and we called upon the previous May Queen, Loan Shark, to share a beverage.  Should Pudknocker be unable to fulfill his obligations, Loan Shark will step in and complete his reign.

Lastly, all new MM of MVH3 came up to accept the first of many down-downs they’ll be awarded over the course of the next year.  As always, any complaints about MM should be directed to Dual Airbags. HASH WARNING: Complaining to Dual Airbags can be hazardous to your health.  Do not attempt if you are pregnant of have a weak heart. Side affects may include hand marks across your face, tire tracks on your back, a missing vital organ, or a mysterious trip to the Emergency Room.

Then the prestigious Hash Shit: Short Bus Bitch who picked through the Chex Mix on 4/28 at the gourmet hash – was awarded the new hash shit for the AGM weekend.  She only carried it Saturday for a while… after the hash, it was up for grabs.  It wasn’t too much of a contest when Sloppy Drunk and the Babysitter were nominated and nominations closed rather quickly.

Hash Olympics: Three teams vied for the coveted Mexican throw, the syrape (pancakes optional).  In the final heat against EWH3 (the ultimate victors of the contest), the team from MVH3 became too sober and lost their rhythm causing them to writhe in the horse dung until much-needed beer arrived to restore their equilibrium (hey, that's a big-ass word for a Trash, ain't it?)  14K enjoyed the spectacle offering taunts as the team struggled to regain their footing.  From the spectator's point of view there were several compromising positions to which 14K took great joy in yelling out, "Hey, get your head out of her ass!"

We arrived late for the Saturday dinner at the lovely and sparkly Second Street Café which consisted of salad BBQ pork, BBQ chicken, baked beans, green beans, and peach cobbler.  The food was great!  Who would have suspected it?  There was ample food for folks to even have 2nds if they wanted (smart planning Puke). After dinner, we moved on to a few more games.  The infamous Saturday AGM balloon contest.  First victim was Big Dick, No Brains, who only showed up for food and beverages…. And TipHer WhipHer.  Next up was Nightcrawler & Dr. Jekyll, then Holy Tit & Dual Airbags, then the crowd roared for the new Joint Mistress, Black Box to come up with the new Joint Master, Bill MFC Wagner.   Standing in for MFC was TOBW.  It was clear from the start that Black Box can handle just about anything! Expressing difficulty in subduing the prophylactic from BBT, thinking quickly on her knees, she decided to knob job BBT.  The crowd roared with laughter and I heard a few gasps from the audience, who shall be named (Dr Jekyll, GBOF, Cheap Slut, Loan Shark, Big Dick, Holy Tit, Only 2, Golden Showers, and Two Lips in the Bush, etc). Undoubtedly, no one in that room will EVER look at Black Box the same way again. I’ve heard her social calendar is full for the next 2 months!  Next, the band came on the stage and announced they were going to rip us off and demand a cover charge. Last time I saw a room clear that fast Bad Dog had baked beans for dinner! Everyone congregated outside and decided that there was enough booze back at the hotel, that we could all drink for free!  Back to the hotel we went!  Everyone was there… but if you weren’t well, you missed it!

Run # 723  6 May 2001  Recovery Run
Hares: Black Box & Exhibit A&B
Record Attendance: 49

 (birds chirping, butterfies lighting on spring flowers). Aaah, morning. Another day, another hangover. Another hangover hash. Black Box and Exhibit A&B led us weary wankers over hill and Dale (we couldn't wake 'em up, despite steppin' all over 'em), through the lovely center of Warrenton. Step lively to avoid Ernie's environmental in the middle of the sidewalk. Hello nicely-dressed, well-behaved church-goin' citizens! Don't mind us Mimosa-swillin' vagrants. We'll be drunk and passed out (or driving!) in no time. Whew! We're done with trail. Time to release ballast. Aaaah ...

Circle commenced with a question about the trail to which several red-eyed revellers mistakely responded, "it was really pretty and I like it alot!" Aaah, beer goggles. Everyone looks so chipper this morning. Even Missing Link! Visitor? Same. Virgins? Hell no. The “ambulance” had to bring Cunning Runt (on crutches with fractured foot) and Molson to the circle, and Fire & Ice followed closely.  We sat and chatted for a long time about housing renovations, as we waited for the hung over hashers to finally arrive.

Dual commanded circle to order.  Most everyone who’s name she called was not present and accounted for.  The list of anal-verse-sorrys had been drawn up on the previous day.  Dangerously Close drew up the list the day before but was chastised for her pro-active organizational skills despite her absence. Violations included Tore Ass for Ernie’s environmental and for aggravated assault against the chocolate lab.  French Toasted for stealing the Scoops from Fussy – and crushing them as he dropped them.

Hash Shit: Sloppy Drunk and the Babysitter managed to hang on to the prize and not lose it between Saturday and Sunday’s recovery trail.  However, the hash shit was awarded to someone who apparently CAN lo$e thing$ - Black Box was nominated for having lo$t ha$h ca$h by throwing it out with her napkin at breakfa$t that morning – forgetting that Dual had given it to her!  We’ll be looking forward to the pornography or prophylactic that she’ll plaster on the hash shit this week.

Circle was brought to a close with Swing Low terminated by Dual to allow Oil of Nolay and Hawaiian Puke to perform a duet solo of the closing of the anthem.   The hash was sent away to get rides back to the hotel and disperse for another year.

Don’t forget its Mothers Day tomorrow!!

ON ON you wild hashers…. ON ON!

XOXOXOXOXOX
Fussy & Oil
 
 
 
 
 

Next Weeks Hash:  19 May 2001
MVH3 run # 725
Hares: Hands Solo, French Toasted, Milk Money

Start location: Saratoga Community Pool, Springfield VA

Directions -
From I-495 & I-395 in Springfield: Go south on I-95 to exit # 167, Backlick Rd. SOUTH. Over the ramp continue south on Backlick 1 mile to the second traffic light (McDonalds).The name changes to Alban Rd. continue straight
ahead 1.5 miles further to Rolling Rd. Turn RIGHT onto Rolling and go one mile to Edinburgh Dr. Make a Left onto Edinburg and the pool is ½ mile on your left.

From Fairfax County Parkway: Exit onto Rolling Rd. SOUTH. Go South 1 mile to Edinburgh Dr. and turn Right. The pool is ½ mile ahead.

From Woodbridge: Go North on Rt 1 about four miles to Pohick Rd. (at the top of a hill). Turn LEFT onto Pohick and continue 1 mile. At the light the name changes to Rolling Rd. continue 1 mile further to Edinburgh Dr. Turn LEFT
and the pool is ½  mile on your left.

Strollers: With great difficulty - check with the hares
Dogs: on leash
Poison Ivy is out there to - avoid it, 'Stay On Trail'