WH4 Trail # 754 - February 4, 2001
START: Dupont Circle
HARES: BigBang, TestTubeBaby
GrapeNuts, DripDry

Q: Why is this hash trash so much shorter and less witty than last week's four page political thriller (soon to be a major motion picture)?

A: Get over it, you pouty little crybabies. Duckie and Mitey have real jobs and real lives outside the Hash (ok, that last part is a stretch). Anyway, we ain't arthurin' War, Piece and Punishment every possum eatin' week like we was Tolstoy or One Tit Only and all them other famous arthurs. So here's the usual slop:

We circled up at Dupont Circle. Apparently inspired by Rear Admiral Dupont, a couple of roller boys led by No Motion in the Ocean led us in Father Abe. This was so swishy that even FAG felt his sphincter tighten up. Meanwhile, I looked around for familiar faces. I spotted long-time-no-seer, Bad Ditch (Bitch) and immediately cited her for a new dyke-friendly buzz-cut and listening to the Indigo Girls on a new MP3 player.

Sensing a trend, I heard purring noises and spotted the interchangeable Vatican II and DripDry engaged in mutual self-gratification. I also spied Necrofeelmyass and her evil twin ButtPlug locked in a tight clench. Sisterly luv-bunnies Missed Erections and Vominatrix reported that they curled up in bed together on Saturday night after a wine bender, fending off attention from Kiel Bastard and Hawaiian Puke who were inclined to do gross boy stuff.

Virgin with Mary gave Nippoless Cage a special snuggle to welcome her back to the Hash. The Nipster has been plugging geysers and blow-torching holes in the ground at some enviro-travesty in Wyoming, and maybe ropin' fillies in her spare time. No panty wearin' girly-girl stuff for this harriette, leave that nonsense to more qualified hashers like PoodleFucked and WaxOnWacksOff. Speaking of Poodle and WOWO, as we set out on trail, the pack went by the Jockey Club where Poodle and WOWO were mistaken for a couple of middle-eastern oil sheiks by some "girls" we last saw at Remingtons. Must have been the abundant body hair.

It wasn't long before things got ugly. I spotted Sloppy Ho, Just Rachel, Mellow Foreskin Cheese and HeWhore caught up in the total chaos at the P Street Bridge over Rock Creek. Talk about confusion, I was amazed to see HeWhore running -- I thought he had a barstool permanently attached to his ass.

The pack ran down a huge hill into the park only to run back up the hill to 26^th and P. A baffled clusterfuck ran around a series of BTs before emerging in a Puppy Pooper Park near Dumbarton Oaks. The trail led to Georgetown University where Short Bus Bitch, who usually has a nose for flour, led the pack off in precisely the wrong direction. $50Bitch chewed me out for being too willing to follow any cute blonde. I interpreted this to mean I was to keep my eyes planted on $50B's butt instead. Eventually we came across a fish pond on campus, which was denoted as a Zen Check. I'm sure I saw FelattieThrow, Bramble Bush, and Beastie Bush contemplating the meaning of life while trying to drown TrouserSnake in the shallow water. I feared that Bad Dog might already be floating belly-up under a lily pad.

Meanwhile the pack set off up a killer hill to the football stadium. I saw Yanks Me Out taking a shortcut or a dump or maybe both. Then I cited the angelic Sextra Credit for ogling college boys in short pants. She admitted that she was having a flashback to her schoolgirl days, recalling a sexual identity crisis involving plaid skirts, boxer shorts, her team captain, the boy and girl next door, rose petals strewn across her naked form…and well, it went on and on. I had to towel off.

Then the pack set off down a hill into the woods. Somebody said "mudslide," so I slid my ass down the hill and came across PIO who instructed me to look for trail to the left. Following this direction caused me to miss true trail to some tasty mudslides and endure unkind remarks about the big brown streak running down my pants, but I did become a temporary FRB on the Crescent Trail to the Beer Check.

After several beers a consensus was developing among Respectacle Testicle, Pro Boner, Office Deep Ho, Nice Tits, Mexican CockSucker, Had A Madam and Harepie that the trail should end right then and there. After all we had run a good 4 miles already and there was plenty of beer. In reality, we were at least 3 miles from the end of the trail. PIO thought it was a good time for a sing-along, so he began the Wednesday song and screwed up the lyrics several times. It got so bad, the cops couldn't take it and drove away.

Several violators were indicted at this point. Virgin Tish was given probation for not knowing that sporting a X-Country running shirt (Emory U.) is a punishable offense. WOWO shmoozed up to lacrosse-playing visitor Nicole, all but waxing his stick in the process. SnatchShot cracked under pressure and revealed she had raunchy fantasies about having her choice of cheeseheads on Temptation Island, starting with Mellow Foreskin Cheese. Fucking Genius was nailed for being in the latest issue of "On Tap," and worse, for shortening his name to "Genius" to impress hopelessly naïve babes.

The pack set off up the hill to the C&O canal. At Key Bridge we came upon a Turkey/Eagle split. Faced with a Hobson's choice (being screwed either way), Just Tish and Neomah were slapped with a violation for doing a paper/scissors/rock routine to decide. They ended up taking the Eagle. Most of the pack took the Turkey trail, which may have been all of 500 feet shorter.

The runners meandered through Georgetown and then came upon Watergate (the hotel, not our bedsore-ridden Hash Cashtress, Watergate). We paused to say a few Hail Marys and looked for BTs in vain. The trail went on and on. I'm pretty sure Tits for Tots and Queen Wendy tried to end it all by running into oncoming traffic at Constitution Ave. Just Heather and Catherine began soliciting hashers, promising to do anything for shortcut information. Still the trail went on. Up to Einstein past the State Dept and then way up to the West End. TipHer WhipHer grew delirious confessing her unrequited lust for Nice Tits. Along about this time, Hawaiian Puke suggested that the hares be dealt a proper punishment. No Genitals proposed genital mutilation, PIO favored tooth extraction, while FAG was partial to jalepeno enemas. Finally Puke settled on the ice block cure for each of their scrawny weasel butts.

As we came into the P Street Beach area, I saw a sullen, dispirited mass of hashers straggling into nascent circle formation. The mob was looking ugly as Rats Ass, MicroSoft, Kung Fu Grip, Kenny G Spot, Dumb and Dumber, Daddy's Dick, Bullshit, BlowJob, BigBirdTurd, BigDickNoBrains milled about. PIO quickly called the circle to order and performed emergency spiritual counseling (after apologizing for spawning several illegitimate children). Suddenly the hash was at peace, mollified by the prospect of frozen hare loins. PIO prescribed the punishment: the hares would sit bare-assed on the ice block in rotation.

Duck Job was brought forward to receive a special duck whistle. Then it was noted that Missing Rubber had brought his Dad to the Hash which led to a down-down and a few questions, i.e. Did you ever find the missing rubber, and who was it left in? Also, wouldn't this all be moot if your Dad hadn't lost his rubber? Overheard: Raise My Titanic whining that she couldn't get as much in her hand as she wants in her mouth.

PIO kept up a snappy pace as we welcomed a bumper crop of Virgins: Jennifer McCormack, Andrew Johnston, Maria Sprehn, Rita Walch, Colleen Hinton, Tish Ganier, Heather Davies, Catherine Hurst, Theresa Gocklear, Carley Thimmesch, Rachel Schalz, Erin Lonergan, Christine Gunzl, Don Page, Andi Page, Paul Gunville.

We also had a boatload of Visitors: Neoma Mills(MVH3), Nicole Cassissieh, Bill Chenowith, Orange Ruffie, School House Cock, Lon Shuba, and Asshopper (from Heidelburg). Editor's Note: Lord Lookin' & Queen Wendy were visitors last week, but will be here in DC for the next year, so they are now WH4ers.

Additional violations were recognized in the circle proceedings: Weed locked his car in a parking garage making him late for an anniversary with his wife (who would marry that guy?). Orange Ruffy had Cinderella shoes, Neomah was cited for a dog fashion statement. But the worst offense by far was committed by TipHerWhipHer, who changed into a snappy outfit that included Scooby-Doo panties. This brought on hoots of derision and sex crazed fervor from the penis gallery, while the women planned shopping trips to Target.

Analversaries: ButtPlug -69 runs; No Motion in the Ocean and Sextra Credit - 25 runs.

Hashit Award - Perkaset was still AWOL and retains the Hashit for another week.

Namings: Just Dana was brought before the smarmy court of hashers to receive her due. Attorney Dana, dressed in pink jog bra, had been hashing for some time but avoided a naming. Nominations included Nolo Clitore, QuickMouth, Pretty in Pink, Sink the Pink, Penile Solicitor and OnHerYourHonor, which won the day.

Next, Just Amber, in her red tresses and boots was brought forward to shouts of tits out. Despite having served time as Beer Bitch, Amber had not been nailed. It soon came to light that Amber does anything and everything with her boots on. The name Puss 'n Boots was suggested by Kung Fu and adopted by acclamation.

We all sang swing low and retired to the Front Page for beer and the usual social humiliations of an OnOnOn.

MiteyTite

We all sang swing low and retired to the Front Page for beer and the usual social humiliations of an OnOnOn.