White House Hash House Harriers

Hash #756 – TipHer’s Semi-Woody Wet Dream

Hares: TipHerWhipHer, OneTitOnly, Fag, KY Belly

Start: Mason Recreation Center, Washington DC

We met at the Rec Center[1] for our weekly dosage of physical and chemical torture on our bodies. The weather was nice for February.[2] Shitty Shitty Bang Bang[3] was open and the brew crew[4] were cheerfully serving our favorite beverage.[5] Watergate and Jail House Cock[6] collected the nominal weekly fee[7] as people wandered up. Wankers were mingling about with various conversations taking place, the most interesting of which was OneTitOnly telling us about “doing” her flight instructor.[8] We noticed a DC cop parked around the corner and were a bit concerned that he might bust us for drinking in public, but a visitor to WH4 selflessly sacrificed himself for the hash,[9] distracting the cop and allowing us to drink to our beer belly’s content.

Eventually PutItOut circled us up. The Jackson Holers[10] led us in a rousing rendition of Father Abraham. Then we were on-on, running thru an alley and across Wisconsin Ave. According to Assfinder,[11] the trail was marked like shit.[12] Fortunately one of the hares, Fag,[13] was ahead of us most of the time, so we just followed him. We followed trail through the neighborhoods of Georgetown and hashed straight through the Georgetown flea market. Blowin’ in the Wind and Blonde Roots were seen eyeing some of the merchandise covetously. It is[14] at this point, as I was doing my humble scribe duty of recording the trail as accurately as possible, that a flea market shopper asked if I was writing him a ticket. My sarcastic response[15] got me a violation later at the circle.

After running through the flea market, we entered Glover-Archibald Park, and ran around the woods for quite a while. We emerged from the woods only to reenter once again.[16] I ran past Just Tish, who was just standing around for some reason. She said something about looking for her cousin’s condo.[17]

Finally, we made it to the beer stop.[18] We drank beer and socialized for a while. Blows My Mind told us a recent poke-her game she attended.[19] The hares informed us that there was a turkey / mega-eagle split at this point. Palm Pilot led a crowd that figured what the hell? We’ve come this far, might as well gut out the eagle trail. Soon, the mega-eagle and turkey trails rejoined,[20] and Kenny G-spot justifiably ragged the turkeys[21] for completely wimping out. However at this point, several hashers[22] decided that since the trail was basically A to A, it was time to make a bee-line back to the start. We could see the Cathedral[23] from where we were, so we headed[24] in that direction. We arrived at the cars and were told that the circle was in the alley behind Good Guys.[25] So we got our bags from our cars, went there, and drank beer.

We circled up. The hares came out and drank multiple down-downs.[26] Then we made fun of the virgins.[27] Next, the visitors were up. Since there was only one visitor, Evil Jesus,[28] we couldn’t let him drink alone, so all Jesus lookalikes drank.[29] Next we served up a few violations.[30] It was Big Bird Turd’s 200^th run, so we gave him a nice mug.[31] Then we had a special occasion, a naming for Just Trinh.[32] Most of the names focused on ice and it being cold, and finally HasherHumper suggested Little Boy Blew, which was obviously the crowd favorite. Then we had a re-naming for Lost in the Bush.[33] HolyTit! Informed us that LitB took a bouquet of tulips to a harriette at her workplace for V-day, but still didn’t get any action. The subsequent names that followed were all flower related, but the one that prevailed was TwoLips in the Bush. In a blatant oversight, we forgot to recognize Kiel Bastard’s birthday.[34] Hope you had a good one, Kiel! Then, in an unprecedented move, PIO called for a whistle check and busted half the hash. After Swing Low, we adjourned to the on-on-on at Faccia Luna.[35]

[1] Located in Northwest Washington DC on Calvert St., relatively close to Dick Cheney’s house. Unfortunately, that Dick didn’t show up, but Hymen Dickover and Big Dick No Brains were present, if not accounted for.

[2] Sunny but chilly, temperatures in the mid 30’s. Many wussies like FMB were seen donning extra clothes, and Blows My Mind and Celtic Climax wore their winter jackets until the very last minute. On the other end of the spectrum, WaxOnWhackOff and Put It Out both ran in shorts. They must have coordinated their outfits before they left the house.

[3] SSBB is the WH4 beer van, a baby blue Ford Econoline. It was purchased for the hash in 1996 by then Head Hops Ragin Cajun. It replaced the first beervan, a UPS sized step van that was too fucking big to parking at beerstops, evade police, etc. SSBB has a capacity of at least 10 kegs and has been tested in a panic stop in traffic with 8 kegs in the back. WDFK stated, “all kegs initiated action to join me in the drivers seat. Hence the noticable bend in the middle of the safety cage.”

[4] The lovely Free Refills and the manly Mr. Softy.

[5] In general, anything alcoholic but in this case beer.

[6] JHC isn’t technically a hash cash. He was filling in for Fag, who was pretending to be a hare prior to this hash.

[7] Only $4.00 per person for all the beer you can drink, plus Oreos, Doritos and Tortilla chips. Hares hash free.

[8] Actually, she said she wished she was doing him. Apparantly, OTO isn’t “getting any” these days.

[9] Just Eckhard, a virgin from Germany who didn’t know where he was going, blew through a stop sign and was pulled over by the cop. The officer couldn’t understand a word he said, and may have figured he was a dipolomat, so he let him go. I gotta get a German accent!

[10] Hawaiian Puke, Big Bird Turd, Missed Erections, Respectacle Testicle and possibly others went skiing in Jackson Hole, WY last week. They didn’t invite us so we got them back by ridiculing them in the circle.

[11] Assfinder is a relatively new hasher who just recently moved here from LA. He is currently looking for a place to live, so if anyone has an extra room let him know. He likes beer, girls, and hottubs, not necessarily in that order. And he has one requirement: No poofters!

[12] At first we thought these hares had set one too many trails with HolyTit!, because they had a thing for making sharp turns without marking checks or hares’ arrows, but then we remembered that KY and Fag are pretty challenged themselves when it comes to setting trails. Anyway, Bolo Head Rat missed one quick turn ran five blocks before he realized it. That’s Bolo for you.

[13] Fag is actually a heterosexual, despite his vigorous efforts to convince you otherwise. He has a real girlfriend, not one of those poser girlfriends celebs like Richard Gere and Tom Cruise have in order to keep up appearances. So, if you are a guy and Fag happens to grab your ass, don’t worry about it. He’s not a poofter!

[14] The word “is” has many possible definitions, as was demonstrated by Bubba, our former president. In this case, the definition of “is” is “is”.

[15] I told him, no not this time, but he better move it now and never fucking park there again.

[16] Some newer hashers, Virgin Just Rock and Lost in the Bush, were running ahead and blew past several obvious hash marks leadng back into the woods. Hawaiian Puke was yelling up to them where to go, directing them like a general does his troops. When we caught up, we saw they had also blown past a hares’ arrow into the woods. I guess that explains how Lost in the Bush got his name.

[17] In fact she and Just Neoma paid a little visit to her cousin, because they drank too much beer before the start of the hash and were too shy to pee in the woods.

[18] We were on the first half of the trail for over 1 hr!

[19] She was playing with mostly guys and bragged she won 8 out of 10 hands. We figured they were letting her win because they had convinced her to take off a piece of clothing everytime she won a hand.

[20] The mega-eagle trail was 1 block up the street, 1 block to the right and merged back with the turkey trail. That set a record for the smallest difference between a turkey and eagle trail, 30 yards. The previous record holder was the Eco-Bitch challenge from last Sep., where the eagle trail was 9 miles and the turkey trail was 8.9 miles.

[21] Mitey Tite was one of the turkeys. His excuse was that one of the scribes had to go that way to document it.

[22] Sextra Credit, No Motion, Big Bang, Just Carley, Microsoft and myself. It just seemed like the thing to do.

[23] Which we knew to be a mere 3 blocks north of the start.

[24] HEAD? Who said head? I’ll take some of that! And I did. And there was much rejoicing. And then we fucked. We fucked for hours. Uprooting trees and shrubs and flowers. Like Vikings, with horns on our head. Head? Who said head? I’ll take some of that!

[25] A strip bar on Wisconsin Ave, as if you didn’t know.

[26] They did a total of 4 down downs: 2 for the run, 1 because TipHerWhipHer achieved the haring trifecta: EWH3 on Thu., Full Moon on Sat. and WH4 on Sun. To top it off, she forgot to take her sunflower hat off and earned a fourth and final down down.

[27] The virgins were: Just Rock (Just Matt made him cum), Just Patrick (Free Refills made him cum), Just Judy (Free Refills again), Just Seth (Palm Pilot made him cum), Just Eckhart (he wishes Ted’s Smirnoff Smirk made him cum), Just Matt (his dog made him cum), and Just Guni(?)(Yanky Crank made her cum).

[28] Evil Jesus is from the Sir Walter Raleigh H3, but he’s just relocated here, so we should be seeing more of him.

[29] Rat’s Ass, a.k.a. the Jesus of the Iguanas, joined him.

[30] Violations were - Fashion statements: Princess Snatch Shot for wearing a tiara, TipHer for wearing a banana hat, Sucks It Blue for taking a cab back to the finish, Just Brian for an environmental right in the middle of the trail, Yanky Crank for deserting his non-English speaking friend on the walkers’ trail so he could run, and Hasher Humper and Spinal Tap for turning around on the walkers trail 100 feet from the beer stop, and duckjob (see endnote 15).

[31] Actually, we didn’t have his nice pewter mug so we gave him a red plastic cup with the number 200 on it.

[32] Just Trinh’s claim to fame is carrying a 10 lb bag of ice a mile in order to ice the hares of the death march in Dupont circle 2 weeks ago.

[33] According to WH4 tradition, the Religious Advisor that named a hasher must unname him before the renaming can take place. Luckily, the RA for EWH3, Crafty, was there and willingly performed the rite.

[34] However we did get kicked out of the 4 P’s on Friday night for singing “Happy Birthday Fuck You!” to him.

[35] Faccia Luna was the official on-on-on, but at least half of the hash went to Good Guys to partake in the entertainment there. And let me tell you, Crafty knows how to work a strip bar. He had all of the dancers eating out of his hands. One of his trademark moves is to stand by a dancers’ stage and flip off $1 bills from his wad like he was dealing cards. They loved it!