White House Hash House Harriers

For Directions and Information call 202-PUD-JAM0/202-232-HASH

Check us out on line: www.dchashing.org/wh4

"In Beer we Trust"

February 25, 2001

 

Warning: This paper contains 30% recycled DNA strands. May cause social regression and

de-evolution, supplanting masturbation with animalistic procreation. Alcohol intensifies this effect.

 

Hash #757: The Hasher Genome Project

Hares: Dumb and Dumber, Celtic Climax, Blows My Mind, Just Megan

Start: (don't go back to) Rockville.

Preliminary Data: In the words of FAG, the 58 wet, soggy, fleece covered maniacs who braved the long trek up to Rockville are fearless pioneers who selflessly sacrificed the comforts of home to explore mutations in the human genome.

The hasher humanoids gathered and compared DNA profiles. For an independent analysis, I called on No. 2 for a background paper on the human genome. Unfortunately he fixated on the unbreakable hymen genome strand. Nevertheless, here are some of his breakthrough findings. Prior research indicated that human beings possessed 100,000 genes. New studies indicate that there are just 35,000 human and chimpanzee genes, as compared with 34,999 for Diaper. The Dipester confessed that he had dropped his jeans one too many times. No. 2 isolated 34,800 Poodle genes versus 34,801 Poodle Fucked genes, proving that bestiality pays a genetic dividend. The average Hawaiian field mouse has 34,700 genes as opposed to 34,600 Bolohead Rat genes. Bolo demanded a recount. Big Bang claimed to have 40,000 genes and a huge beaker. We will place a call to the notorious Schwing for field-tested data.

Yank Me Out was incredulous as he quizzed our hash scientists as to how to beat a paternity suit in light of this new DNA information. "So you're telling me that when I get three of my buddies to say they porked her too, that's not gonna cut it anymore?"

Vibrator was in her car preoccupied with testing a new instrument to advance the cause of science. She emerged with a smile. Black Box was still sporting some Mardi Gras beads she earned for flashing her tits the night before. I can vouch for the fine genetic engineering of those breastesess.

At this point, the hares called the hashers over to examine the unique DNA trail markings. We were supposed to be able to decipher that AUGTTGCTTTGG meant true trail whereas UAAGCTTTCGG meant you should have turned left at the NIH parking lot. Jiffy Lube wanted to find the EATME gene, whereas Eat Me For Breakfast wanted to know more about the BEERME gene.

Dr. Dumb & Dumber explained how he had gone about completing the sequencing of the human genome. "First you arrange for the cooperation of a research assistant that you've had locked in your basement for a while. Then you extract a steaming load of bio-mass and toss it up against a fan. The resulting spatter on a lab coat is worn by an attractive DNA ho-stess like Just Megan. You parade her around to gullible venture capitalists, phony up some data and use publicly funded research that any moron could steal, and before you can say AACGGTT, you're raking in the big moolah."

Dr. Dumber explained how he headed up the hash genomics team. "Laying down all that scientific data was an exhausting pursuit, but I found it to be useful to switch off between lab partners." "First Celtic Climax would give me the lay of the land, and then Blows My Mind would trigger my passion for new areas of discovery in most extraordinary ways." "I live to plunge into the dark reaches of the body and plug holes in my data," he said as he peeked under the lab coat of the voluptuous Sloppy Ho and sized up Raise My Titantic for some post-dictoral work.

Celtic Climax, countered that while D&D's research methods have occasionally produced exhilarating breakthroughs, there have been periods of sagging results. According to Celtic, it's best to find young research assistants and repeatedly subject them to stiff peer review. "These biology studs, I mean students, have unflagging enthusiasm to probe my most deeply held assumptions," said Ms. Climax. "But I also plan to conduct a penetrating analysis of genetic marvels like Hymen Dickover, who takes a licking and just keeps on ticking."

Data Run: John Handcock led us in Father Abraham and soon we were off sniffing out DNA spores. I came across, er, I should say, ran into Evil Jesus and MicroPrick. I determined that both of them have rat genes. Micro Prick ratted out Evil Jesus for parading around in a new truck like a five dollar ho and Evil Jesus was obviously spawned from the seed of Rat's Ass.

During the run several hashers made plausible, if not bonerfied claims of genetic superiority and scientific achievement. Transparent Ds revealed that Dumb Blonde has a third testicle that gives him enormous staying power during their experiments, but warned that ass play is not for the faint of hard-on. Not to be outdone, Microsoft claimed to have another evolutionary advantage. His smooth, shiny head elicits a 50 per cent increase in orgasmic response during oral servicing. Bullshit boasted that he cloned Bullchip from backwash left in his hash mug. Test Tube Baby claimed to have creamed Britney's genes. Herr Doktor Yanky Crank nobly offered to dip his schwanstuecker in any receptacle to advance the cause of science.

Yes Dear replicated his penis in a petrie dish, put it in a freezer bag next to some chicken parts and has no idea what to do with it. TrouserSnake told us his NASA sources report that the amino acids in beer are identical to primitive life forms found on Mars. Mellow Foreskin and Looney collaborated on a project to use scrapings from a certain body part to culture a new Limpberger cheese product. Tasters from the Cheesehead Society gave two thumbs up. "It goes great with weenies," bubbled Vominatrix.

In an exclusive interview, Nippless Cage divulged details from studies of her pet rabbit. Her great ambition is to use gene therapy to reengineer the male homo sapien to perform similarly. "When I want my bunny, I just snap my fingers, he performs a wide array of tricks, and then I send him away. All he needs are a few dry pellets, an ear rub and he's satisfied," she said analytically. "Men, on the other hand, are totally unreliable and require too much maintenance, always whining about their needs and demanding hot meals."

Meanwhile the trail veered through a construction site, across a creek, into a culvert and through the woods before depositing the pack at the beer check.

Inspector General Wheredafakhawe used this opportunity to take samples of crusty matter from the faces of Blows My Mind and Sloppy Ho for DNA testing. The Pimp of Sarajevo pointed out that the new Cuban investigational technique scores well in tests on interns.

Butt Plug who has recently been certified to teach by the head of the Clitoral College, confirmed that the state of Kansas has now resumed the teaching of evolution. But Ms. Pluggie said she would prefer to teach a class of hash newbies certain life skills she considers to be most valuable. "I have a feeling that Just Jim, Just Josh, Just Matt, and Just Mike need a little special tutoring to learn how to STAY ON TARGET. Did you hear me class, read my lips and STAY ON TARGET," screamed Ms. Pluggie, shaking so violently that she had to be restrained by Jailhouse Cock and Free Refills.

At this point it is alleged that Just Amy revealed an area of anatomy ripe for special investigation. Professor Poodle Fucked, reknowned author of the "Vagina Monologues" seized upon a name for this phenomenon, and promised to reveal the results of his examination later in the circle.

The Circle: Spermed on by the promise of biotech debauchery at the on-on, the FRBs and the DFLs scampered through primordial ooze and quickly returned to the old DNA corral. Our GM, Raise My Titanic, claimed her rightful place as sweetheart of the genome rodeo and whipped the troops into a fine frenzy. The Hares were declared to be barely evolved from hasher shoe bacteria and were denounced in proper genetic sequence.

Virgins were deflowered and serenaded:

Just Josh (Show us what's in your genes)

Just Lance (Is that your DNA on my blue dress?)

Visitors were called in for recognition:

Dolly Part 'Em - Munich

LeCon (LeakOn?) - Kazakhstan

NoGo - Kenya

Analversaries: Diaper 69 Runs; Vibrator 25 Runs.

Violations: Nippless Cage for shameless flaunting of curvature and riding bareback; Looney and FAG for environmentals, Blonde Roots & Blowin in the Wind for dressing like 2 cloned grapes; Blows My Mind for crusty face; Poodle Fucked for high wader fashion statement; Just Jamie for a racing shirt.

The Naming: Just Amy was dragged into the circle. Prof. Poodle tendered his observation the lovely Army Captain, soon to be a Major, had offered a profoundly disturbing view of her tightly clad crotch at the beer check -- hence the name Labia Majora. For the record, Just Amy accused Prof. Poodle of a complete fabrication. No one was deterred. Other names were offered, such as Fat Camel Lips, Camel Toe, One Hump or Two, Army of Cum, and Inspector Genital, but we settled on Labia Majora.

MiteyTite

 

Journal of Genomic Polemics -- Help Wanted

Postion Wanted, Name Needed: Pulizter Prize-winning science writer desires supine position, generous package. Contact Just Jamie.

Position to be Filled: Need a hunk a burnin' DNA for high altitude experiments. Y Chromosomes preferred. Will train, no experience necessary. Contact One Tit Only.

Contact One Tit Only.