White House Hash House Harriers

Hash #758 – The Catholic Hash

Hares: Dumb & Dumber, BackSnatch, Hare Pie, Telecum

Location: Brookland metro station near Catholic University

The weather prognosticators were predicting the blizzard of the century, which isn’t saying very much since the 21st century is all of 3 months old. Missed Erections, being the obedient and dutiful Catholic she is, saw the promise of snow as a sign that God was looking down on her favorably, and fully expected to be blessed with a foot of snow and not to have to work for a week. Delaware Queen was among the blizzard zealots, religiously following the forecasts and professing our salvation. Mitey Tite, too, had completely bought into the fervor and had stocked up on bread, milk, and toilet paper, for which Rat’s Ass condemned him. According to the preachings of Rat’s Ass (who looks exactly like Jesus – see hash 756, footnote 29) all you need is beer. So it was with utter despair that we awoke Sunday morning to cold, miserable, accursed rain. It dawned on most of us our faith in snow was misguided and that we should be focusing our energy in the on a higher power…beer!

Thus, $50 Bitch and I lead a pilgrimage of lost and desperate hashers in search of beer. Following us through downtown DC were Assfinder, Kiel Bastard, Never Saw Him Cumming, and TipHerWhipHer (they probably would have arrived much earlier on their own.) Eventually, we saw Hymen Dickover, Poodle Fucked, Nippleless Cage and other wankers rushing into Col Brook's Tavern like priests descending on defenseless young boys, so we assumed that was the way to beer. We entered the bar and saw that Watergate had sought sanctuary there to do sign-ins. And as sure as a nun wears underpants, Bolo Head Rat was buying a beer. The unruly masses were in a state of disbelief over the hash, whether there would be a hash and if so where it would start, but finally Raise My Titanic told everyone to get their heathen butts over to the metro stop, and there they would find beer. At that precise moment, WhereDaFukAwe and a couple of others had a divine intervention – they decided to stay in the tavern and drink beer.

We arrived at the proclaimed ascension point and cowered under the metro bridge, hoping for salvation through beer. However much to our dismay the beer van was nowhere in sight. Put It Out called the circle to order and we reverently obeyed. Our new converts to WH4, the virgins and visitors, were baptized with the appropriate hymns. Then a request was made for all Catholic University alumni to come into the circle to be recognized. Mellow Foreskin Cheese was the only person who confessed to this, so he alone was given the honor of leading us in Our Father (Abraham). Since we were freezing our asses off, Hawaiian Puke prodded MFC to speed up the song, and MFC kindly obliged.

Then we started on our crusade for beer. We followed trail back the way we came, through the tunnel under the subway. Dumb Blonde was convinced we were going straight back to Col Brooks Tavern for warmth and glorious beer. Unfortunately, the trail headed east, away from the tavern, and we knew we were in for a long journey. (I suspect that some hashers did run straight to the bar, but I don’t know who and can’t prove anything.) We ran through a residential area, then we scrambled up a muddy hill into some woods. Slip Knot and other deviants shortcutted the hill because it was damn near impossible to get up. Then we were back on residential streets for a while and I made the mistake of following Wax On Whack Off on a False Trail. No beer that way. I stopped to make a few notes about what a cold and miserable day it was and to top it all off, my pen stopped writing. BackSnatch made a smart-ass comment about pencils writing better in the rain. I tried to catch him to stick my pen up his ass but he was too fast for me. By this time I was way behind the pack. I followed flour up a wooded hill the size of Mt. Ranier. There was a dirt road that led through the woods and down the hill. Dumb & Dumber and BackSnatch were sweeping, and they showed me a short cut that caught me back up to the tail of the pack. I was running with PIO, Microsoft, $50 Bitch and we came upon a huge church with protruding statues of scary, monk like men. Engraved along the top of the church were the words, “Donatis Votre Funda Venitus Ad Hades,” which is Latin for give us your money or you’re going to hell. Passing the church, we saw Semen on the Pew sprint out a side door. What was he doing in there?

We arrived at the beer stop and got a heavenly taste of beer. However, it was a virtual purgatory, because we knew we still had a long way to go for the ultimate reward. Several theological discussions ensued. Peeking Duck complained that being an atheist, she has a real dilemma... she has no one to talk to during oral sex. Fucking Genius said that he has a different problem. He lies awake at night trying to figure out if Jesus is really the NOS of DOG. Apparently he’s dyslexic. At the beer stop, Just Paul was named beer bitch, just in case we actually got to the end before catching hypothermia.

When we resumed the trail, $50 Bitch, Number 2 and I determined that the path to beer was a short one. True trail veered off toward the CU campus, but there was a sidewalk parallel to the metro lines that we thought would lead straight to the end of the trail. We could see the basilica in the distance, but that was not our destination – we were in search of beer. After looking high and low, at long last we came upon flour. Having successfully converted from SCBs to FRBs, we left pack arrows to lead any other lost souls to beer. Finally, we could see the light at the end of the tunnel and at last we saw the brew crew, BBT and Barney’s Bitch, and nirvana…beer!

Fag offers this alternate scripture of the 2^nd half of the trail: We came to a back check and ShortbusBitch started out the wrong way, thinking she could shortcut, but had to backtrack and join the pack as her shortcut turned out to be blocked! The trail was shitty. Snatch Shot was wet. We ran through churchgoers (both cumming and going from their worshipping). Most stopped dead in their tracks, huddling together, pointing and shivering at the creatures Beelzebub had placed among their kind: hashers! Shortbus, thinking she knew where the hash would end, ran to where hash began instead of following ample flower over bridge and to the actual finish, all the while screaming "On-On!"

Virgins: There were 3 virgins present at the start of the hash, but only one, Just Tim, made it to the finish. The rest of them were much smarter and got out of the cold rain to drink beer at the On-On.

Visitors: Swallow the Leader from Korea, and Nasty Bumpo from The Hague

AnalVerseries: BBT was recognized for his 200^th run again, because we did not have his shiny mug 2 weeks ago (see hash 756, footnote 31)

Violations: First of all, we had really shitty weather for this hash, so the religious advisor, Put It Out, who is in charge of getting good weather for the hash, was given a down-down. Ivy Licker, Kiel Bastard, Delaware Queen, and Free Refills had sex on the walkers’ trail. Telecum was wearing mismatched shoes, and when one hare drinks, all hares drink! Golden Showers received a down-down for overachieving as a niplet and getting his titty pierced. Also, we were going to violate Hops, but he left the circle early for the On-On-On, so we’ll have to nail him for something next week.

Naming 1: Just Jamie was brought into the circle for her very solemn occasion. She did the obligatory strip tease down to her jog bra. Did I mention it was cold? There were a few stories about Jamie, but we were distracted by two very noticeable things that stood out about Jamie. Therefore, in the WH4 and through out the world of hashing, she shall be known as Turkey Timer.

Naming 2: Just Paul was overheard saying “at least it’s not me getting named.” Well that was a little too smug of a comment for our co-GM, $50 Bitch, so he was brought into the circle and made to kneel. There were some good stories about Paul drinking Tequila and eating worms, but the hash decision was to name him for the bed in his Bethany Beach summer house, which may or may not have seen much action. So, in the WH4 and through out the world of hashing, he shall be known as Delaware Queen.

On-On! Duckjob