White House Hash House Harriers

POINT: “We May Have Just Set the Best Trail of the Year!”

By the hares, Wax On Whack Off (WOWO), Can’t Remember a Fucking Thing Y’all (CRAFTY), Put It Out (PIO) and Milk Money (MM)

We put a lot of hard work into preparing this trail and you gotta give us credit… It was pretty fuckin’ awesome! You see, we don’t just lay trails like most hares, we engineer trails. As a group, we had a lot of comradery among the four of us. We even spiked our hair with gel like CRAFTY does, all of us except Milk Money, because that look really wouldn’t work for her. But to make up for it, she wore a jock strap under her tights, just to prove she is one of the guys. We are tight like that!

It was a perfect day for our hash, sunny and warm. Before the run Golden Showers was handing out Jell-O shooters left over from his party. The brew crew were in good spirits, too, with Never Saw Him Cumming and Free Refills in bright red and blue wigs. And Burnt Sox and 7 Minutes came all the way from Mexico City to run our hash. They must have heard we were haring and knew it would be a kick ass trail!

In setting our trail, we drew on PIO’s vast experience as the hare raiser for WH4 last year. He evaluated a lot of trails during his tenure, and he really knows what makes or breaks a trail. He knows a lot of good tricks to keep the pack together like back checks and idiot loops. Adding further to our experience is that CRAFTY has hashed a lot over seas and is familiar with an assortment of foreign hashing customs. Milk Money, even though she looks like she’s only 13 years old, has been hashing for about 5 years, longer the rest of us combined! WOWO may be the least experienced hasher of this group of hares, but he makes up for it in tenacity, imagination and a touch of sadism. Put us all together and you have the perfect group of hares!

So getting back to our trail…Did you notice all the shiggy? We tried to keep it mostly off road, because that’s what hashing is really about. We only used residential streets and parking lots to connect the woodsy areas when necessary. We even had a turkey-eagle split. Tell me that’s not going the extra mile! But the best part of our hash was our brilliant use of tunnels! Everyone loves to go through tunnels on the hash. Some might note that the eagles actually went through fewer tunnels than the walkers…Yes, it’s true! The walkers and turkeys went through 10 tunnels, but there were actually only 7 different ones--they went through 3 of them twice! The Eagles went through the first four, then one more on their "long" return. It’s only fair that that a couple times a year the walkers get a few extra tunnels in to make up for the others they so-often miss!

We mapped out the trail and calculated the distances perfectly. The walker trail was 2.2 miles, the Turkey trail 3.2 miles, and the Eagle trail 4.2 miles. Wasn’t that cool how each trail was exactly one mile more than the next lesser difficulty trail? That’s not easy you know. The trail would have been perfect, except a visitor named Da Beave kept putting hares’ arrows on our trail. Most of his arrows were correct at least, but it’s the principle of the thing…

We had to make some design decisions in developing our hash, e.g. making the trail “mega-tough dog” friendly because we had to draw the line somewhere. Besides, WOWO’s dog, Maisy, is too young a pup to even run easy trails, so why compromise our artistic integrity to accommodate any poofter dogs?

To top it all off, we arranged a super duper deal for the on-on-on: $5 for all you can eat buffet and $5 for unlimited beer! That’s really more important than the trail itself, because in the end everyone just wants to eat and drink as much as possible. There was pizza and chicken, salad for the vegetarians, and lots of beer. Everyone seemed to have a really great time at the on-on-on. We didn’t sing any songs, but there was some kind of competition with Ping-Pong balls going on between Garfield, DumbBlonde and a bunch of others. After such a perfect trail, we have to be up for trail of the year!

COUNTERPOINT: “What a Shitty Fucking Trail!”

By the pack at run #760 (Carry me back to Ol’Virginny, Fairfax City, VA)

Were those hares out of their fucking minds? What were they thinking? Sure, we like off road hashes with lots of shiggy and shit, but it’s going a bit too far when, at the end of the trail, you’re soaking wet, covered from head to toe with mud and in many cases, bleeding profusely. Just Carley was right on target when she said that, sure, mud baths are good for the skin and all, but this was ridiculous.

The trail started out okay, winding through some residential areas. Soon, we came upon a stream, which was actually kind of fun. Thankfully there were plenty of rocks to use for crossing, so Latin Analyst didn’t have to get her feet too wet. Little did we know that our feets were doomed today. According to Diaper, the trail became increasingly hard to follow, because the hares were really stingy with the flour. He went on to say that with all the leftover flour, there had better be a cake at the end or some heads are going to roll!

From this point, the trail went down hill like piss on a slide. Virgin Just Laura had been talking about how cool the hash is and that so far it’s pretty much what she expected, when we came upon a gruesome, nasty tunnel. She looked like a deer in the headlights when she realized there was no way around it. We made it through the tunnel thinking that would be the worst of it, only to be confronted by a second and third tunnel in succession. PoodleFucked stated that the copiousness of the feces and scum in these tunnels amounted to cruel and unusual punishment. Bad Dog was a bit more succinct, summing it up with the comment, “those asshole hares!” Just Tish noted that the water in the tunnels looked like cow piss, which prompted $50 Bitch to ask how cow piss differs from human piss. Just Tish explained that she has a lot of experience with cow piss, being from Tennessee. Blows My Mind, the biotech scientist of the hash, took some samples for further evaluation.

By the time we got through the 3^rd tunnel, Dumb Blonde and Well Drilled were plotting exactly how we should kill the hares. Drowning in a Port-o-Potty was the verdict. Trail cut across the back of a condo development and through some woods. Vominatrix asserted that you should be able to actually run on at least 75% of the “runners’” trail. On this sorry excuse for a trail, you had to stop all the time! Next, we got to a check that was marked straight, through a bamboo thicket, but it was a Bad Trail! Just Neoma and others were on true trail on the other side of a fence, so we had to climb over. You should have seen KY Belly trying to lift his dog over the fence… he completely busted his ass!

Meanwhile, the walkers were not having their normal Sunday stroll in the park. Ground Chuck had decided to take the walkers trail thinking he could stay clean, but when they came upon the mouth of a tunnel and the accompanying unavoidable cess pool, Chuck decided he had had enough and gave up, heading back to the start. Other walkers trudged on. At the next tunnel, Slip Knot lost his shoe in the mud. Peeking Duck had to be extracted from the mud, and even worse, Have Dick Will Travel did a total face plant. OUCH!

At the beer stop, we had a chance to recoup and survey the damage. W.E.D. was bleeding profusely from his hand. He claimed that he cut it when he jumped over the creek and slipped on a rock. However, Holytit! told us that it was originally just a scratch and no one noticed, so to get more attention, W.E.D. got a sharp rock and cut it up some more. W.E.D. had no further comments.

If you can believe it, the second half of the trail was even shittier than the first. Jail House Cock said if you want to know what a shitty trail this was, just look at my jeans! They are filthy brown up to my knees….and it’s not mud! The walkers went through even more tunnels on the 2^nd half. Black Box noted that Milk Money never follows trail through tunnels. She always looks for ways around, so where does she get off setting a trail with 10 tunnels? And was a turkey-eagle split really necessary? Apparently the hares thought they needed to torture us even more. The eagles ran through more woods and across a creek. Mitey Tite complained that they ran us through a garage designed for midgets…he almost banged his head on the roof. What were the hares thinking, he queried, that we’re all as short as Duckjob?

Somehow, we managed to survive the trail and get on-in. However, for some reasons, Big Dick No Brains was looking totally dejected. When asked why, he said, “just look at the virgins that were here today. There were tons of great looking virgin women here, and after this shitty trail, they’re probably never coming back. How am I supposed to get laid now?”

The Circle:

Virgins: Just Scott, Just Diep, Just Jagan, Just Nandu, Just Caroline, Just Michelle, Just Allsion, Just Scott, Just Faye, Just Shannon, Just Laura, Just Barbara, and Just Lynn

Visitors: Just Nick, Happy Feets, Just John, Home Depot, Just Liz, Burnt Sox, 7 Minutes, Depper Sapper, Far From Scoren, Da Beave, and Pecker Checker

Long time, no see’ers: Burnt Sox, 7 Minutes Cums Faithfully , W.E.D., Milk Money, and Drop Box

AnalVerseries: Shock Cock (25), Snatch Shot (50)

Violations:

Crafty subbing for PIO as guest Religious Advisor for shitty weather for the hash.

Raise My Titanic for terrible ball handling, KYBelly for bitch pressing, Slip Knot for losing shoes in the mud, Bad Dog for beating off on trail, Da Beave for unauthorized hares arrows, Golden Showers and Two Lips in the Bush for oral passing of cheesy poofs, Assfinder for autohashing, and Virgins Just Diep and Just Michelle for doing their groovy, syncronized dance.

Very solemn occasion (a naming):

Just Jim was brought into the circle and assumed the proper position. Suggestions for his name were Haircut worse than Trouser Snake, Mr. Frosty, Cockle Doodie Due, Little Red Hen, Shave and Haircut, 2 clits, Better Dead than Red, and Jello Shooters, but the runaway favorite of the circle was UnFuhFuckable. So, henceforth and forever more in the WH4 and throughout the world of hashing, Just Jim shall be known as UnFuhFuckable.

On-On! Duckjob