White House Hash House Harriers

For Directions and Information call 202-PUD-JAM0/202-232-HASH

Check us out on line: www.dchashing.org/wh4

"In Beer we Trust"

April 8, 2001

Warning: This paper contains 30% recycled condom wrappers. Not guaranteed to be 100% effective as a means of birth control, but may help you get lucky. Alcohol further increases your odds.

 

Hash #763 in DuPont Circle

Hares: Dumb Blonde and Screwed by a Minor (nee just Christine)

Hash newcomers such as Just Scott, Just Diep and Just Michelle quickly discover that much of the thrill of hashing is the rebellious nature of being part of a rowdy group of screw ups, running through various public places with reckless abandon, and perhaps best of all, taunting the establishment by drinking beer in the most conspicuous settings. Even normally straight-and-narrows like Respecticle Testical and Hawaiian Puke revel in such lawlessness. Well, occasionally you run into minor complications, and this Sunday once again tested the composure of WH4.

We had just finished a really top notch trail and the taps in Shitty Shitty Bang Bang were wide open. The brew crew, Free Refills and Never Saw Him Cumming were slinging the suds and Two Lips in the Bush, Puss 'n Boots, Jag Queen, Drip Dry, and the rest of the hash were dutifully partaking. $50 Bitch had just began the circle, when DC’s finest crashed our party!

Bad Bitch, Bad Bitch, what you gonna do?

What you gonna do when they cum for you?

I swear The Man is always cummin’ down on us! We were just standin’ around, mindin’ our own business, not hurtin’ nobody! True, the usual suspects, Take Me Drunk I'm Home, Beer Slut and Tip her Whip Her, may have been a wee bit tipsy, but that’s perfectly normal for them…they’re functional drunks!

Actually, we’d been tipped off that the police were cumming. It doesn’t take a Fucking Genius to know it’s a bad idea to throw beer at a car full of hasher hostiles trying to get through the parking lot we were loitering in. So we were speeding through the circle like a Short Bus Bitch about to explode. We quickly sacrificed the virgins (I bet the cops would have loved to catch us in the act of that!) To save time we "did" the male virgins all at once: Just Duane, Just Joshua, Just Kent, Just Brian, and Just Lee ("pollinate me with your piston!") Then we deflowered the female virgins: Just Eva, Just Nadia, Just Michele, and Just Karri ("show us your cherry blossoms!"). We made it through the visitors, Swallow the Leader, Sauer Crotch, Burnt Sox, and Down Boy (a hariette from Mexico City) so efficiently, that we had time to lovingly ridicule Telecum for misplacing his hash bag, and were just starting the violations when from the circle arose a chorus of: Cum by ya, my lord, Cum by ya…

When Billy Badass Cop showed up, all of the probable sex offenders, Pimp of Sarajevo, Sloppy Ho, He-Whore, Vominatrix, Blowjob, Poodle Fucked, and Fag, were advised by Pro Boner to quickly disperse, much to the dismay of UnFuhFuckable and FarFromScorin,’ who were looking for "dates." $50 Bitch and Holytit! tried to sweet talk the officer, a huge black dude (probably the subject of a shitload of controversial e-mail in his precinct.) They tried the standard Big Bird Turd line about being a serious running group, but he wasn’t buyin’ it and basically told us to pack up.

The truth is, we were probably doomed from the start. This particular hash was in honor of Just Christine, who had had her own little run-in with the law recently. As a bartender at Atomic Billiards, she had the misfortune to be set up by the DC ABC, who sent a 19-year-old that could have passed for Spinal Taps’ mom to buy beer from her. The cops were there in a Jiffy Lube (what were they doing in her?) and hauled Just Christine off to the pokey, charged with serving a minor. Fortunately, her lawyer was able to successfully argue entrapment and the case was discharged. For the on-on-on, Red Hook donated kegs of beer and Uno provided discount pizza, with all the proceeds to go to Just Christine’s legal defense fund. In essence, this was a blatant thumbing of our noses at the DC legal system. I can’t help but wonder if we had been ratted out (no offense Rat’s Ass) and the local law enforcement was out for a little payback.

The hash had started on a good note. It was a fantastic day, with many hashers wearing strappy shirts or going topless (only the men, unfortunately.) Longtime no-see’er Roach Motel finally crawled out of the woodwork to join us this weekend, bringing with her a virgin twosome, Just Duane and Just Joshua. No doubt we’ll never see them again, because you can check in to the Roach Motel, but you can’t check out. RM and Lying Fucking Bastard were hand picked to lead us in Father Abe. LFB had been absent for so long he had forgotten the words, but was able to stumble through it with a little help from his hasher friends.

Then we were on-on. The first check on Conn. Ave. and was a complete clusterfuck. And House Her Bush initially went right and most of the pack followed him for a block or so, but then turned around because other FRBs (probably either Yank Me Out, WOWO, Golden Showers or White Ethiopian Dude) were yelling on-on to the left, only to discover that true trail really was to the right. Then we ran down a trail, through a wooded area, heading towards the Cathedral. As we crossed Wisconsin Ave. we realized we were approaching the DC Police 3rd Precinct. Burnt Sox took a shortcut to avoid the station, worried he might be stopped and harassed for "hashing while black."

The rest of us ran through McClean Gardens. We turned the corner at 39th and lo and behold, Fellatie-throw and $50 Bitch were lounging around, drinking beer and rating hashers as they ran by. They gave Dairy Queen a 10, which naturally raised suspicion that he had bribed the judges with sexual favors. The IHC (International Hashing Committee) is looking into these allegations.

After cutting through the Giant parking lot, we came upon the beer stop, which was in an alley behind an apartment complex. Apparently, there was a little confusion on the walkers trail because the walkers were nowhere in sight. We feared someone had idiotically entrusted Big Dick No Brains with the directions again. Finally, the walkers showed up, with Mellow Foreskin Cheese leading the way. It turns out that Black Box had been distracted by Kiel Bastard, who was inspecting the embroidery on her new mismanagement fleece. Feeling the lettering on her breast, he asked if the letters were raised, to which she responded, "they are now!"

After the beer stop, we re-crossed Wisc. Ave and ran through St. Albans. There, Evil Jesus was nearly stopped by The Man, not the police but a man of the cloth. From the look on the priest’s face when he saw the nametag reading "Evil Jesus," we were lucky to get away before he broke into a full scale exorcism. Then we ran down some trails through the woods beside the school soccer field. Bolo Head Rat had to piss, but was in such a hurry to get to the on-in that he had whipped his dick out an was running and pissing at the same time. Evil Jesus quipped that Bolo’s dick looked like an acorn in the forest, but that insult may have been jealousy inspired, because Bolo was doing something Evil Jesus truly aspires to do… he was walking on water (even if it was his own.)

From there, we pretty much ran straight back to Cleveland Park, by way of Klingle Rd. I followed Microsoft, No Genitals, #2, Vibrator, Stool Sample,The Body and Kenny-G Spot up a hill covered in Ivy to Connectacunt Ave. that took us back to the circle, which as detailed above, was broken up by the cops. You don’t think we’d let a minor incident like that stop us do you? Of course not. We resumed the circle in Atomic Billiards.

We picked up where we had left off, with Violations. The entire Everyday is Wed. Hash was violated for being media sluts because they were written up in the City Paper last week. Other media sluts were Turkey Timer, for writing an article on "how to travel with your pussy," Eat Me For Breakfast for his role as a dead person on the Discovery channel (he spent hours passed out drunk rehearsing for it), and US Boobs for a radio broadcast.

The next set of violations were for the r*cers in the hash who ran the Cherry Blossom. They were Well Drilled, Back Snatch, $50 Bitch, Fag, Harepie, Fellatie Throw, Dumb Blonde, Duckjob, KY Belly, and Holy Tit! Also viloated for a different r*ce was Peeking Duck.

Other violators were Short Bus Bitch for having a sensitive butt and Burnt Sox for that discovery, Roach Motel for being a Cinderella, Virgin Josh for calling the hash a r*ce, Fag & KY Belly for environmentals and suspected water sports, and Yanky Crank for teaching his son how to accessorize (he carried a shiny silver purse the entire trail.)

Then we had a very solemn occasion, a re-naming. The hash learned that while r*cing this morning, Fellatie-Throw had lost her key, and had frantically solicited help, only to later find the key in the crotch of her pants. Name suggestions were Keys in the Ignition, Lock Box, Smells Like Lox, Are You in Yet, Lip Lock and Snatch Key Kid. After a runoff between Smells Like Lox and Snatch Key Kid, it was determined that she shall now be known as Snatch Key Kid!

But we weren’t done yet, much to the chagrin of Just Christine, who had deliberately avoided getting named for well over a year. Her situation with the selling of beer to a minor was well known by now and inspired such names as Bitch Set Me Up, Fucked Over Felon, Long Time Cumming, Prison Sex, and Michael Jackson, which the circle particularly liked for the implications of servicing a minor. However, a last minute entry, Screwed By A Minor quickly gained momentum and was eventually the winner. Henceforth and forevermore, Just Christine shall be known as Screwed By A Minor!

This was followed by an extremely lively on-on-on, including a game of Truth or Dare that had Virgin Just Lee doing a striptease down to his tighty-whities. Word has it that Tranparent D’s is planning to hire him for her upcumming bachelorette party.

ON-ON! Duckjob

Hash Etiquette 101, courtesy of $50 Bitch

(for those you who use less than 3 brain cells at a hash)

1. Treat all hashers as you would want to be treated.

2. Be kind to non-hashers, as they may get pissed off and call the cops.

3. Brew Crew kicks ass and should be revered by all.

4. Rude & offensive behavior toward non-hashers & the general public are frowned upon & do not constitute exemplary hashing conduct.

5. Be aware that (non-hasher) cars may be driving down an alleyway where we often can be found drinking before, during, and after hashing. Be kind to them and get out of the way, or we run the risk of pissing them off and having them call the cops.

6. Your GMs are the best ever and should be told so every week.

7. With the exception of namings and personal requests, liquid beverages should not be placed anywhere except into one's mouth, on top of one's own head, or disposed of properly. Any violation of this may result in removal from that hash or from hashing with us in the future.

8. Be cognizant of your surroundings, as children and private residences may be nearby.

9. Private property is just that. Be respectful of other people's property and belongings when hashing.

10. Beer is a precious commodity and should be treated as such.

ty and should be treated as such.