Hash No. #764 - The Easter Bonnet run "Eggs on Trail and Prizes 4 Tail" Cosponsored by Great Falls H3, Palm Beach H3 and Mount Vernon H3.
Start: Great Falls, VA

Hares: JohnHandcock, Goomba, Wilburrr, DrinksOnMeBud

by the Reverend Mitey Tite

On the occasion of Easter Sunday, many of our most pious and family-oriented hashers were unable to attend the hash, including our religious advisor Puts It Out. The absence of the good and decent, God-fearing members of the hash created an unholy vacuum, which was filled by 119 others, including many from the Great Falls Hash, who are unsaved and unworthy.

I speak not of the unfuckables such as FarFromScorin, and BigDickNoBrains for there are many among us who have been consigned to that caste without shame. Yea, as I walked through the shadow of the valley of hashers, I did fear evil. Who among us has looked Evil Jesus in the eye and not seen the visage of Charles Manson. Surely he is the anti-christ, but he is not alone among the disciples of darkness.

You gaze at the gathering flock of hashers and only see before you a group of apparently amiable dunces, like Big Bang, BoloHeadRat, No. 2, Donald Dick, Three Times a Lady, Pro Boner, Harepie, Kiel Bastard and Swings Both Ways. And you may suppose that they are free from unclean thoughts on this holiest of days. But specially schooled as I am to sniff out perversion, I am quite sure I saw those lunk-heads gazing lustfully at the unsuspecting young innocents we know as Vampire, Nippless Cage, PortaPotter, Puss ‘n Boots, Vatican II, Battery Operated Buddy and Virgin with Mary. I am speaking here of the heaving of supple young bosoms and the exposing of tender bellies during the pagan ritual which mocks the prophet Father Abraham. Were I not so devout, I would have mistaken the stirring in my own loins for lust, but I knew it must be a swelling desire to be nearer to the Lord.

And who has not cum upon depraved and wretched souls like S'not, Spinal Tap and Leave it in Beaver and felt great pity for the hasher women who must endure their vile attentions. WhoreMoans, thou art so saintly the milk of your human kindness spills from deep wells inside of you only to puddle into a fetid beaver pool.

But I digress. There was a great display of oddly colored shirts pressed upon us by Wilburrr, who appears to be part horse and part man, though he surely got the short end of the donkey dick and the head of an old nag. As we stood in the ceremonial circle, a pagan Nordic goddess of filthy lucre, $50Bitch, called forth some virgins to the slaughter and then heaped scorn upon the visiting pilgrims from other beer worshipping cults.

Then there was much blasphemous instruction, as to how to seek out the stations of the cross, marked with impure substances. And finally the flock did go forth to search for the golden egg idols. And so they were led off into the woods by hare-like creatures, who slyly claimed to be their shepherds. But lo their faith was sorely tested by false trails right from the very start. The deceitful devil boy, John Handcock, was seen laying true trail after the flock has already be led astray, which is a venial sin at best.

We came upon a stream and a hill, and it was here that little stray lamb Bad Ditch chose the ditch, as is her way, only to have to cross back, and clamber up the hill, which excited the filthy voyeurs below. I witnessed Two Lips on a Dyke letting nasty thoughts interfere with her devotion to trail as she took a flying header into the bush. Speaking of burning bush, there went Blazing Straddles furiously rubbing herself as if to be rid of the stain of Satan, but her red hair still marks her as a devil child. And anon came Poodle Fucked carrying the hashit chalice, and I said a prayer to avoid having to drink from it, knowing that he has performed unclean acts with it and has communion with canine beasts.

By and by, Assfinder and FAG came to me and beseeched me for a modern interpretation of the scripture concerning lying with men, goats, sheep and hos. I remonstrated to them that they must not follow false teachings of the new theology. "Thou shalt not" has been replaced by "Poke em if you got ‘em." This is not God's law, it is the false doctrine of Throbbing Member, Love Canal, Mr. Softie and their perfidious ilk.

Yet still we went up and down many hills and across waters to the point of exhaustion, questioning our faith, cursing our fate and beseeching the hares to let our people cum at the Beer Check. Maybe it was in this moment of weakness that the morally dissipated Teenie Weenie Peenie, Double Blow Seven, and Big Dick No Brains suggested to Screwed by a Minor, Battery Operated Buddy and No Genitals that they should go forth and multiply. As we came to a stream, a dip into the brown baptismal water was unavoidable. But our salivation came, as the Beer Check appeared ahead like a vision of the Virgin Mary dripping with holy water. Actually, that was Virgin with Mary pouring beers for thirsty hash sojourners.

After annointing themselves at the Beer Check did the hash seekers again cross a mighty stream and run along the river Jordan. And here I was told the story of Vampire who was led astray into the hashing cult by her own mother, Maverick. But because of this sacrifice at the behest of the hashing gods, Vampire was saved from a life of tea parties and debutante balls, finding her salvation in all the mud and beer on God's green earth. And I had an epiphany and great joy, knowing that God is in the Hash and that since God is all things good, so too is the Hash a good and Godly thing to do.

Still farther they ran up a veritable Mt. Sinai. And lo, it was not long after scaling these most heavenly heights that our prayers were answered and the beer flowed like water at the circle. And then the heavens opened up and Drinks on Me Bud parted the waters and led us to the promised land of the Old Brogue for the OnOnOn.

There were 7 virgins and 22 visitors (including GreatFalls wankers) who shall not be name here because it was raining and the pen ran dry.

AnalVerseries: Mr. Softie 69, Duckjob100, Bundling Board 250, and Mellow Foreskin Cheese 269.

• Best Female Easter Bonnet - Turkey Timer (adorned with assorted trolls and barbies)
• Best Male Easter Bonnet - Spinal Tap (elephant hat with beer holders and tubes to drink the nectar from)
• Best Female Bunny Tail - $50 Bitch (who got more mileage on her Playboy Bunny outfit from Halloween. Duckjob reports that she plans to keep wearing it until she loses a contest)
• Best Male Bunny Tail - Drinks on me Bud (for showing an awful lot of his skinny white ass)
• Most Eggs Collected on Trail - Just Rob

On On, MiteyTite