Hash No. #766 - Tipher/Licker/Virgin/ Pussy Trail
Start: Fair City Mall, Fairfax, VA

Hares: Tipher Whipher, Ivy Licker, Virgin with Mary, Pussy Whipped

I drove around the sprawl of the not-so-Fair City Mall looking for the usual suspects on a glorious spring day. I spotted some repeat offenders and Holy Tit greeted me with a friendly "Fuck you, Mitey." KY Belly announced that the weather was just right for a hash. No one asked to check his temperature gauge since he's the Songmeister who seems overly enamored of the "Put Your Finger in My Rear" song.

The word quickly went forth that the trail would feature plenty o' P.I. for unwary tenderfeet to wallow in. This caused Snatchkey Kid, Missed Erections and Bad Ditch to start lathering up with Ivy Block, Ivy Armor, Armor All, Valvoline, pink transmission fluid and anything else they could get their hands on. I offered to grease them up for a menage, but Snatchkey deflated my ambitions with this: "DuckJob is the man for a menage; I know DuckJob, and you're no DuckJob, Mitey." Another opportunity foiled by my scribing rival's renowned boudoir skills. Virgin with Mary made it all better by flicking out her tongue and telling me about her practice session with a popsicle. I made a note to do a follow-up story.

A long period of milling around brought the first of several Short Bus Bitch violations. Cars that were probably driven by her students tried to run her over twice. Finally, Puts It Out called the hash to order and coaxed the virgins into the circle. The two crazy looking bimbos and two shyly demure women were given their virgin whistles. We serenaded two visitors with the White House anthem, and then the long-time-no-seers were called into the circle to lead Father Abe. Sing Me a Country Song and Knee Me in the Balls and the lady ruggers were featured along with Watergate, Deadstick and Finger Pickin' Good.

The walkers were thinned from the herd and the pack set off. The hares had warned us about P.I., so this suggested a trip into the woods. But the first twenty minutes of the run featured a succession of dead-end parking lots, crossing back and forth along Rt. 236 and some confusion with blue trail markings from the previous day's hash set by the blue hairs of Mount Vernon H3. This frustrated would-be FRBs Yank Me Out, Finger Pickin and WOWO who were forced to mingle with the DFLs. Short Bus just followed anything that remotely looked like hash, such as paint stripes, smushed pizza boxes and toilet paper. Shorty would sniff it out, turn around and speed off any direction in rapid succession.

TipHer WhipHer eventually gave us a clue and I caught up with SnatchShot, FAG and Stool Sample who were staggering up a grassy knoll under the scorching sun. We came upon a soccer pitch, tennis courts and a series of suburban streets where Diaper threatened to disembowel the hares due to the lack of a timely beer check. Finally a trail led into the woods. We loped alongside a pleasant creek for a while and Don't Let Your Meat Loaf and KumSoon observed Evil Jesus baptizing a plant with his little disciple. After a long long way, the beer check appeared and many drooping wankers quenched their thirst. I checked in with Dairy Queen, Number 2, and Swings both Ways.

Then Duck Job started a frenzy of sexual misbehavior by soliciting The Body for a "Minnesota Twins" menage-a-duck. FarfromScorin began buttering up Watergate for a taste of his weiss wurst. Apparently the game of Post Office is played in Germany also, and Watergate is overdue for a deposit in her box. She also discussed plans to do the entire Macon Whoopee baseball team. In the middle of this frantic sexual planning, I was touched that Watergate took the time to remind me that she would never, ever have sex with me and then some. Meanwhile, PIO was busy appointing Just Diep (pronounced Yip) as Beer Bitch. KY started up the DisneyBeer song and we butchered the lyrics as usual.

Soon we off into the woods and ran headlong into a creek. Sucks it Blue got hung up on some prickers but freed himself with a roar. We got caught in a bushy area full of vines, thorns and ivy. Poodle Fucked and BoloHeadRat figured out how to break through and in the middle of an open field the hares treated us to a snack of cheese crackers. SnatchKeyKid and Bad Ditch confessed to having a peanut butter and cheese cracker fetish from college days. Use your imaginations on that one. Eventually we dropped down into a valley featuring more briars, poison ivy and an arsenic laden creek. Here the theme was "river run red, hasher be dead" as the briars opened up numerous gashes on hands and legs. We emerged for a while near W.T. Woodson High School, alma mater of our Missed Erections, then went back into the woods, and then crossed several lanes of traffic back to the start.

By this time, the itch to get to the end was insatiable. It wasn't exactly an ivy apocalypse as advertised, but Short Bus still felt the urge to soap up her legs and some hard to reach places right there in the parking lot. It was difficult to break away from this spectacle, but PIO called the circle together and announced that Free Refills and the brew crew had broken out the Sierra Nevada. We soon began to feel the effects of good beer and the circle became even more raucous than usual. PIO called up the hares to drink for their perfidy. Next the Virgins were presented for their ritual deflowering. Just Carol was singled out for hashing Mt. Vernon and never finishing despite 3 hours of thrashing about on trail.

The Virgins were Just...

Carol Swanson (show us your foreign body)

Tanveer Ahmed (show us your tits)

Annalise (hold me in the bathroom)

Jen Lgh (show us your thumbs)

The Visitors were... Show Me Your Tits Bitch (Aloha H3, HI) and Knee Deep (San Diego H3, CA)

AnalVersaries were celebrated: Celtic Climax 69; TipHerWhipHer 50; and Pussy Whipped - some significant amount

Next we harvested a bumper crop of Violations: Fashion Statements by Vatican II for being resplendent in mismatched blue running togs and accessories, Tipher Whipher for changing into "come hither" slacks and heels, Pimp of Sarajevo for a snazzy slacks and shirt ensemble, and Slum Slut and Just Carol for wearing goofy top hats. Racing in the Sallie Mae 10K ensnared SnatchShot (also for boasting about her personal best), Big Bang, and Dairy Queen, as well as Short Bus for pacing, plus accusations from the mob brought in Golden Showers, Booty Sleep, Celtic Climax, and Dumb and Dumber. BigDickNoBrains was summoned for simulating a penis with a cheesy poof. DuckJob, FarFromScorin, and Watergate for soliciting sexual favors. Short Bus was given special mention for soaping every body part south of the "Pupussa Line" and for turning cartwheels near a cemetery. Just Steve was cited for whining about P.I. and Bad Dog just because. Almond Joy, Just Scott and countless others were guilty of general clowning and screw-ups.

A Very Solemn Occasion: It was such a nice day we decided to proceed with a naming. Just Ellie was pulled out of the crowd and 8aPuss was directed to serve as a human doormat. Little Ellie knelt on top of him. His service paid off as he noted an underwear deficiency from below and we noted his little tent pole rising. There was some discussion of Ellie's Japanese heritage and her liaison with Semen on the Pew. Nominations were heard for: MisoHorny, MisoBitchy, ChurchMouse, ShortBitch, Ejaculate Conception, Cunning Linguistics, Desperately Seeking Semen, Spicy Tuna Roll, Sperm Whale, JizzBucket and Semen Says. In a tight run off between MisoHorny, Desperately Seeking Semen and Spicy Tuna Roll, Holy Tit's Spicy Tuna Roll name was most delectable.

The Awarding of the Hashit: Poodle Fucked produced the hashit and reports of his using it on his stopped-up toilet gave some urgency to finding a suitable replacement. PIO proceeded to haul them into the circle. The Hares received some consideration along with the Grand Mattresses, who had better things/guys to do than attend the hash. Hawaiian Puke got ratted out for driving his red Porsche, Short Bus for a ton of assorted violations, Bad Dog for posing as an FRB. But Golden Showers was the winner of a weasel-trifecta by applying a fake cast in hopes of getting a pity-fuck, then running a race with new shoes and sleeping off his hangover at the circle.

Finally, PIO brought Number 2 forward for a special down-down to honor his naming of TWA.T, which survived EWH3's attempt at renaming. Every EWH3 name included a variation onTWA.T. The eventual winner was TWAT'sUp. So she's still our TWA.T. TWATs off to you, No. 2.