Hash No. #767 – The “Don’t Feed the Gringos” Trail
Start: Parking lot next to a closed Mexican restaurant in Clarendon, VA

Hares: Bite Me Elmo, Leave it in Beaver, Great Balls of Fire and Whore Moans

"Hey, man, look at all of those crazy gringos with sombreros in the El Pollo Loco parking lot. They look like tourists, man. If they are looking for Tijuana, they are way lost… this is Washington DC. They better hope the INS doesn't mistake them for Zoe Baird's house servants and deport them, man."

"No way, dude, this is the Whitehouse Hash House Harriers, and they are having a post-Sexo de Mayo hash today. See, there's Pay Per View, Cyclops, Diaper, Bad Ditch, For Sale Or Rent, Vibrator, Microprick, Just Brian, Just Tracy, and Just Scott among others, and they are shooting the shit and getting ready to hash."

"They got hash here? Excellente! Let's go get some!"

"No, dude, not that kind of hash. All they have here is beer, but it's some good shit man…Dos Equis! They've got some hot babes here, too, like Czech My Bush, Ivy Licker, Snatch Shot, and Short Bus Bitch."

"Bitches? We don't need no stinking bitches. Let's get some cerveza, man!"

"Ok, dude. We just have to go over there and pay Watergate and Fag, first. It'll be 80 trillion pesos."

"What? Are you loco? Are we going to rob a bank? Maybe we can kidnap Celtic Climax and get Dumb and Dumber to pay us ransom money or something."

"It's only $4, dumbass. Here. Let's get some beer."

"Por favor, Yanky Crank, where is the cerveza? What?!! You're shitting me! The beer van is not open? But I just paid 80 trillion pesos!"

"Relax, dude, they don't always have beer before the hash. The brew crew (Butt Plug and Barney's Bitch today) have to buy the beer, buy ice, get water, tap the kegs, set up the beer stop, serve beer to 100's of cranky hashers, juggle chainsaws, paint their toe nails, and solve world hunger, all while running the risk of getting arrested. Don't worry, dude, we'll get cerveza soon."

"Ok, but what the fuck are WhereDaFaKhawe?, UnFuhFuckable, Jail House Cock, Chapaquickdick, Slip Knot, Pork and Cheese, Standard Deviant and the other deviants doing now, waving their hands around, jumping up and down and yelling 'he's a ho?'"

"I dunno, man…I would say they've lost their minds, if they hadn't already lost them a long, long time ago. "

"Hey! Why are 2 Lips in the Bush, Screwed By A Minor, Little Boy Blue, Sit On My Interface, Just Joshua, Just Laura, and the rest of the wankers running away? Do I stink or something? That can't be…I took a bath in the Rio Grande last Sat. when I was swimming across the border."

"It's okay, amigo, this is the hash. The hares make you run around in circles like idiots before you get beer."

"I don't know, man, that sounds too much like work. Look, there's the beer van now, and HolyTit!, S'not, Back Snatch, Just John, Just Don and Bad Dog have surrounded it. Now we will get some cerveza! Ah, shit, they got away."

"Dude, you can make it to the beer stop. Just focus on Vatican II's tight ass and we will be there in the time it takes Big Bang to cum."

(one minute later…)

"Thank you blessed Virgin with Mary! We are finally at the beer stop. Ok, be careful and don't drink the water…you'll get Montezuma's revenge and you be puking and shitting all day. Drink the beer instead!"

Gulk, gulk, gulk, gulk, gulk, gulk, gulk, gulk, gulk, gulk.

"Dude, you just drank the most beer I have ever seen anyone drink in my entire life! Even more than Just Jim at the last hash!"

"Hey, man, why are we leaving so soon? Milk Me just got here! I want to see if the Milk tastes as good as the beer! Hey, Puss 'n' Boots probably likes Milk, too. Maybe we can have a Ménage a Duck!"

"It doesn't look like the hares are going anywhere any time soon. Crunchy Frog and Exhibit A & B have the right idea. We can stay here and drink beer and wait for those wankers to come back from the back check!"

"Ha, ha, ha! Finger Pickin' Good, Wax On Wack Off and Kenny G. Spot are coming back up the hill. They were totally circle jerked and they look pissed!"

"Okay… if we follow The Pimp of Sarajevo and Tastes Like Turkey, we should find the margarita stop up ahead somewhere. It’s a good thing And How's Her Bush is stopping cars for us. He must know we normally just cross 8-lane highways without looking."

"Yeah, man. Hey, there's the margaritas in that field over there. And Black Box, Kiel Bastard, Spinal Tap, HasherHumper and the rest of the walkers are here, too. Where were they at the beer stop?"

"I don't know, dude, but I don't care…there was more beer for us!"

"Man, I'm getting tired of this running shit. What do I look like, Speedy Gonzalez or Bullshit or something? The last time I ran anywhere was when the cops asked to see my green card."

"That's okay, man. According to He-whore, the idea is to get to the beer stop as fast as humanly possible and to spend the rest of the hash drinking as much beer as hasherly possible. If we walk and drink the 2nd half, we can get our 80 trillion peso's worth of Dos Equis."

"Dammit, man. How did we get to the circle so fast? We were walking as slow as possible. Shit, the cops are here! They are always harassing me for being a wet-back. Don't they know I was born in East D.C.?"

"Relax, dude. $50 Bitch and Put Your Head 'Tween my Legs are talking to them now. They'll probably tell them we're a serious running group, and no sir, we are not consuming any illegal substances… just water, soda and lemonade."

"Whew, man, they're leaving. That was close! Let's go get some more beer and see what happens when you put Kumsoon and Late Cummer together. Maybe they have some food, too. Follow Free Refills... she looks hungry. I bet she wants a Micro-Soft taco."

The Circle

Just Diep transferred beer bitch duties to Just Carley.

The Virgins were…

Just Josh (how hot is your pepper?)

Just Drew (stuff my tamale)

Just Andrew (show me your big enchilada)

Just Nora (show us your camel toe)

Just Tim (show us your combo platter)

Just Darian (Is that a hard taco in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?)

The Visitors were...

Wet Spot (the Hague), Shellacking the Bishop (EWH3), Sticky Throttle(?), Packed with Seamen (?)

The Long Time No See’ers were…

Bonnie Brewer, Wet Spot, Pulls Out Early, Holy Taint, Mounting Mama, Itty Bitty Witty Titty, Golden Geek, Exhibit A&B, Eurotrash Barbie, Crunchy Frog, Barney’s Bitch, Just T.R. and Just Sita

An AnalVersary was celebrated:

Pulls Out Early (69)

Several wankers were busted for racing, namely Short Bus Bitch, $50 Bitch, Golden Showers, and Duckjob. They were joined by 2 hashers wearing racing shirts, an unidentified harriette with a bandana (I’m guessing it was Ukhugh) and Put It Out.

And of course there were numerous Violations…

#2, Bolo Head Rat and Exhibit A&B for polluting the environment with their urine and/or other waste, Short Bus Bitch for thinking the first word in the Whitehouse anthem is “Go!”, TipHerWhipHer for getting dog shit all over her name tags, HolyTit! for assault with a deadly whistle, Big Dick No Brains for impersonating a bitch, Dick-a-lick-a-lick for storing hash data in a palm pilot, the Cinderella virgin with new blue shoes, and last but certainly not least, the hares for not having a beer stop on the walkers’ trail.

Next there was A Very Solemn Occasion:

Of the handful of hashers with over 5 runs and no name, Just Sita was selected by the circle to be named, and once again EatAPuss was enlisted as the “Naming Matt.” After demonstrating her remarkable talent of doing a one handed cartwheel without spilling any beer, we got down to business. We learned that the rap on her is that she has a southern accent (at least according to Bolo) and she once dated Fucking Genius, which she loudly protested was not public knowledge. These details spawned such suggestions as Pubic Knowledge, Scarlet O’whore-a, Dances with Pussies and Smart Woman. However, most of us were paying more attention to the defiling of EatAPuss by Watergate, who helped him pitch a tent and made him wet with beer. This induced further suggestions such as Makes Wet Pants and Kneeling in the Wetspot, but finally the circle came full circle (we love it when we do that) and made the connection between the wet pants and the lack of spillage on the cartwheel. Henceforth and forever more Just Sita shall be known as Doesn’t Miss a Drop!

The Awarding of the Hashit:

Last week’s hashit stuckee, Golden Showers, produced the hashit and was given an opportunity to nominate his successor. All of the hash, he had been frantically soliciting anyone within cumshot for dirt on potential nominees, and he actually came up with some pretty good shit! He reported that Twassup! got sloppy drunk with Sloppy Ho at the MVH3 AGM pubcrawl on Friday night. Admitted as evidence were the scabs and bruises covering Twassup!’s body from being dragged home by the Ho. There were other nominees including Big Dick No Brains for yet again proving the aptitude of his name and No Genitals for finally, after years of hashing, getting naked in a hash hot tub (but no one could really find fault in that.) Therefore, the hashit was rightfully bestowed upon the sloppy chicks, Sloppy Ho and Twassup!

On On, Duckjob