WH4 Run #768: "You Blow Us & We Owe You One"

WH4 Run #771: The Failed Dotcom Hash Location: www.DupontCircle.com
Hares: Poodle_Fucked.com, Turkey_ Timer.com, Bad_Ditch.com, and Deep_Goat.com

Anyone following the stock market in recent years has been exposed to a series of wild market gyrations so severe that they would put a $1000 lap dance in Vegas to shame. A major player in these ups and downs is the dotcom industry, which once seemed to be the future of the world economy but unfortunately has been a Major Disappointment.

Investors in dotcoms such as Leisure Suit Larry, $50 Bitch, and even Mitey Tite have only the dirty stains of blown wads to remind them of fortunes pissed away. Others who invested in the NASDIQ like No Genitals and Dick is Fine have seen their nest eggs scrambled, and served with toast. But perhaps the most devastating effect of failed dotcoms is the innocent employees who Never Saw Him Cumming and got laid in the suckiest way…off. The Failed Dotcom Hash (FDH) was in honor of them.

FDH: The Idea Phase

Judging from the onset of this hash and Poodle Fucked's rendition of Father Abraham with seven "to the lefts," it was obvious that the entire concept for this hash was the product of one too many late night beers in seedy bars. Bad Ditch admitted that the trail was originally mapped out on a cocktail napkin, which was fitting as that's precisely how many a dotcom were born. Turkey Timer was able to raise the necessary capital through various sordid but undisclosed means, while Deep Goat developed timelines, a none o' yo' business plan, and a working (the streets) prototype.

The Pimp of Sarajevo was able to set up the hares with a dirt cheap Intercourse Service Provider, the now defunct Does It For Free, and Office Deep-Ho found them office space leased by the hour. Finally, the FDH was on-line, up and running as PoodleFucked cried, "On-On is down P-St.!"

FDH: Initial Pubic Offering

When EatAPuss and 2 Lips in the Bush immediately bolted down New Hampshire instead of P St., it was obvious that several wankers were pretty clueless in many ways, but esp. where dotcom technology is concerned. Spinal Tap told us that he was still a bit wary of new-fangled technology like computers and such, but said he had with him a map of the Internet for the walkers to follow. LateCummer thought that was the best thing since GI Joe with a Kung-Fu Grip and asked to borrow it sometime so she could Xerox the Internet. However, Black Box told her that she had a copy of the Internet on disk that would be much easier to copy.

Meanwhile, the runners cyber-hashed their way through a virtual reality in which beer was cheap, women were easy, men were hung like donkeys and any LazyMuthaFucka off the street could obtain the ass-sets to start up his own Dotcom. Several potential ventures were bandied about as the next great e-business, and competition for market space was growing. FreeRefills.com and DrinksOnMeBud.com were battling to become the leader in the free-of-charge virtual beer world. WhereDaFaKhawe.com was trying to salvage the assets of failed Internet venture LostInTheBush.com to challenge directions kingpin MapQuest. BiteMeElmo.com and ShaveMeElmo.com negotiated a joint venture for people who hate Sesame Street characters, while NumberTwo.com and Bullshit.com were joining forces to provide a resource for people obsessed with poop. At press time, those latter two ventures were battling to acquire the site BigBirdTurd.com.

So, we followed flour dotcoms, zigzagging to a check at the 14^th St. Studio, hashed around Logan Circle, veering off on Vermont Ave. and bearing right on Q St. As we approached 10^th St., it was apparent that our status as Dotcommers was envied by the common folk. Sloppy Ho, Lyin' Fuckin' Bastard, Just Kara and I ran through a grassy area near a basketball court where we were jeered by crowd of jealous onlookers. They even threw a Colt 40 bottle at us that landed right between LFB and me…and there wasn't even any beer in it! We got the hell out of there pronto-like. Then we ran past a little black girl who kinda wanted to run with us, and LFB reasoned that since they were throwing shit at us, we could take one of their young. However, taking into consideration federal child labor laws, we sent her home.

Then we went on a recruiting mission at Howard University where we hoped to find some edjumacated techno-weenies like SitOnMyInterface to jazz up our dotcoms. To our dismay, all the promising young geeks were too damn smart for us and saw through our half-minded dotcom schemes. Fortunately we arrived at the beer stop about this time, where we were able to sip on cold beer and lick our wounds.

FDH: The Pinnacle of Sux-cess

Having cum to the beer stop, triumphant hashers like Dumb Blonde, Happy Feets and Mr. Softy basked in all of their glory. As walkers were nowhere in sight, we were undeniably on the fast track, and to the victor go the spoils. So we celebrated our good fortunes by drinking a beer or three and reveling in the prosperity of our dotcom ventures. Several deviants had predictably found a niche in the dotcom world by appealing to fellow deviants with websites such as PayPerView.com, GoldenShowers.com, Vominatrix.com, ScrewedByAMinor.com, NecroFeelMyAss.com, and Fag.com. Another hasher site having success in the cyber world was MellowForeskinCheese.com, although the exact audience for that site is unknown at this time.

Meanwhile, we were advised that the site JagQween.nl was based in the Netherlands because their obscenity laws are much more relaxed than those of the US. However, this raised a concern with AddADickToMe, because she wasn't sure she could afford the long distance charges for an international site. To this, Bad Dog asserted that a man has to be the master of his domain name, and related his own grandiose plans for his up and coming website, BadDogBeDoinDaBitchesDoggieStyle.com.

FDH: Oh How the Mitey Fall

We left the beer stop on a dotcom high. As we ran up the hill next to Cordozo with its panoramic view of the Capitol city, Internet dominators like Microsoft.com could not help but feel on top of the world. But this lofty position was not long lived. Hashers like CrackWhore had frivolously wasted their earnings and were now desperate, resorting to sniffing up flour hash marks for a cheap high.

We ran through the ghetto proper, and there we saw the ruins to which the failed dotcoms had been reduced. For example, the promising website, MissedErections.com folded because it lost its market share to Viagra.com. A hasher favorite on the web, DrinksOnMeBud.com became another dot bomb due to lack of profitability. Perhaps the saddest of all was the downfall of BigDickNoBrains.com, which harriettes thought to be the perfect website. Unfortunately there are not enough pixels on a computer screen to fully capture BDNB's holdings, so that venture was unable to realize its full potential.

Things looked glum, but as we arrived at the base of Malcolm X park, your humble scribe hoped that perhaps we were redeemed. I ran into the park and along the cascading waterfalls up a figurative stairway to heaven. Alas, it was not to be. True trail did not lead into the park, but up the adjacent street. As I reached the summit, PoodleFucked was leaning against the wall, watching the pack doing a pointless loop around the Meridian Park soccer field. PF explained that it’s a dog eat dog world, and he was the alpha-poodle here.

Downtrodden and demur, we trodded on. There was a sense of "Omigosh Batman whatta we do now?" As we ran down Euclid St. we heard a gunshot, perhaps the suicide of a dotcom executive whose stock options were down to $0.03 a piece. But then Beer Slut reminded us that there was still beer to be consumed. There was something worth living for after all! We ran down U St., past the metro stop and the Civil Rights monument and soon we were On-In in an alley. BigBirdTurd had the beer set up, so we drank to failed dotcoms and plotted follow-up ventures, most likely in the porno sector since that's really all that makes money on the net.

The Circle:

Put It Out re-introduced the beer bitch, Just Peggy and drank a toast to the hash. Cheers Whitehouse!

Virgins and the Penis/Vagina gallery comments:

Just Scott made Just Tim cum: "Let me scan your hard drive!

RMT made Just Kevin cum: "Dicks out for the Girls [sic]" and she made Just Jason cum: "Slide your disk into my slot!"

Dickalick made Just Janice cum: "You're gonna need those safety goggles!" and he made Just Ross cum, too: "Let me stiffen your software!"

PoodleFucked made Just Kim cum: "Wanna play Romeo?" and he made Just Tiana cum: "It's ok by me if it's ok bisou!"

Virgin avec Mary made Just Jamie cum: "Spike this!"

The City Paper made Just Anne cum: We'll give you something to print!"

Visitor and Home Hash:

When Harry Met Chunky (Cinn City), but he did not drink alone because Ivy Liquor and Virgin avec Mary were having a private party and Put It Out busted them.

Violations:

Cyclops was a Cinderella, but he left before the circle so we did not have the pleasure of making him drink out of his shoe

Trouser Snake for using nerd names

Ribbed for her Pleasure for jogging in place at a stop light

Evil Jesus for trusting EatAPuss to drive

Crafty, because we lined the virgins up with their backs to the wall. So what song do you think Crafty chose to serenade them with? "Bye Bye virgins?" Nope. Thanks for playing.

R*cers:

Trouser Snake, WOWO, Put It Out and For Sale Or Rent for r*acing in the R*ce For the Cure.

$50 Bitch and Snatch Key Kid for doing a Half Iron man Tri.

Harem Scarem and Back Snatch for r*cing at the hash

Hashit:

Assfinder still has it, however he did run the Great Wall of China marathon with it so we will cut him some slack. We expect to see pictures next week.

About this time a policeman showed up and everyone freaked out and started pouring out their beer and panicking and shit. Calm down, people! Big Bird Turd and $50 Bitch took care of the situation, and there was nothing to freak out about. In fact, dumping your beer and running around frantically and looking guilty and shit only worsens the situation. Just chill out and

Announcements:

Hey you! Have you signed up for WH4's Vacation Bible Camp Yet? Why not? There will be camping, tubing, food, lots of beer, possible nudity of both the female and male varieties, 2 live bands and tons of fun! It is scheduled for the week of July 20-22 and the deadline for the super low fee of $30 is June 15. So download the registration form from the WH4 website or look for RaiseMyTitanic for flyers.

Hey, and don't forget the WH4 Best Breasts contest! To enter, just flash co-scribes Mitey Tite and Duckjob. As of today there are no entries, so you could easily win the coveted title of Miss Best Breasts 2001. No one’s a loser in this contest!

ON-ON! - Ducky