Warning: This paper contains 30% recycled wrapping paper. May be briefly regarded then

torn to pieces, wadded up and unceremoniously discarded. Alcohol intensifies this urge.

Run #773 - The 6th Annual Bill Wagner Birthday Hash

Location: Quincy Parking Deck, Arlington, VA

Last Monday's hash was a very special hash… It was Bill Wagners' 6^th Birthday! Everyone was invited to wish them and the other Birthday hares Happy Birthday. There are actually two kids in our hash club named Bill Wagner that have the same Birthday. Isn't that an amazing coincidence? We all know them by their hash club names, Mellow Foreskin Cheese and Big Bird Turd. A couple of their other friends, Hasher Humper and ShortBusBitch, also have the same birthday. At 3 yrs. old, Short Bus Bitch is a little bit younger than the rest of the Birthday boys and girls, but she was included because she has a lot of young girlfriends that some of the older boys think are cute. On the other hand, Hasher Humper is a bit older than the others. She is turning 14, and is developing into a mature young lady. She goes with this older guy named Spinal Tap who can even drive a car and buy beer for people. He’s way cool!

Mellow Foreskin Cheese thought it would be fun to keep the location of the birthday party a secret, so he told everyone to meet at the parking deck on Quincy Street in Arlington. Since MFC and his birthday co-horts are so popular and they throw totally awesome parties, 150 kids came to this party! They were: $50 Bitch, 14 Karat Cock, Almond Joy, And How's Her Bush, AssHopper, Bacchus, Back Snatch, Bad Ditch, Bad Dog, Battery Operated Buddy, Bavarian Bush, Beastie Bush, Beer Slut, Big Bang, Bite Me Elmo, Bolo Head Rat (kids these days sure do have some funny names, don't they?), Bonnie Brewer, Bullshit, BushWacker, Chapaquickdick, Circle Jerk, Crafty, DangeRously Close, Delaware Queen, Diaper, Do Me On The Beach, Doesn't Miss A Drop, Don't Let Your MeatLoaf (no relation to the rock star), Duck Job, Dumb and Dumber, Dumb Blonde, Eat A Puss, Evil Jesus, Fag, FarFromScorin', Finger Pickin' Good, Fire & Ice, For Sale or Rent, Free Refills, Fuck 'Em Dan-O, Fucking Genius, Garfield/Moby Dick, Gladiater, Golden Shower, Great Puck, Ground Chuck, Harddrive, He-Whore, Holy Tit!, Hymenator, Ivy Licker, Jag Queen, Kenny G-Spot, Kumsoon, Late Cummer, Leaky Tampon (who curses his parents everyday for that name), Leave It In Beaver, Lord Lookin, Major Disappointment, Maverick, MicroSoft, Milk Money, Missed Erections, Mitey Tite, Mole, More than a Mouth Full, Mr. Magoo, Mr. Softie, Nasty Bumpo, Necro Feel My Ass, Nippleless Cage, No Genitals (don’t ask), No Motion In My Ocean, Not In Yet, Poodle Fucked, Pork and Cheese, Puss 'n Boots, Pussy With A Porpoise (who thinks we need more pussies in the hash), Put It Out, Put Your Head 'Tween my Legs, Raise My Titanic, Running Monkey, Sextra Credit, Shellacking the Bishop, ShitHawk the Chicken Fucker, Shock Cock, Sir Fucks A Lot, Slip Knot, Sloppy Ho, Snatch Shot, S'Not, Spicy Tuna Roll, Spinal Tap, Spurt Plus, Standard Deviant, Stickey Throttle, Stool Sample, Target Practice, Test Tube Baby (fresh out of the petri dish), Tore Ass, Transparent Ds, Trouser Snake, Twatsssuuup, Two Lips in the Bush, Ughhh!, UnFuhFuckable, US Boobs & Oral Report, Wax On Wack Off, Whore Moans, Wind Beneath My Weenie, Yank Me Out, Just Aisling, Just Andrea, Just Anna Maria, Just Ariste, Just Astrid, Just Brian, Just Brian, Just Carley, Just Derek, Just Douglas, Just George, Just Greg, Just Jamie, Just Jay, Just Jennifer, Just Jeoyuh, Just Joe, Just Joshua, Just Judy, Just Katy, Just Kevin, Just Michael, Just Mike, Just Mike, Just Pej, Just Randy, Just Rob, Just Stephanie, Just Tomoko, and Just Tracy.

Anyway, MFC and the birthday crew had hired some help to bring in refreshments. Butt Plug and Number 2 had a big blue van named Shitty Shitty Bang Bang from which they poured drinks for everyone while we waited for the party to begin. All of the boys and girls were having a great time. Wax On Whack Off and I tossed Twatsssuuup around for a while, which made her giggle at first but then she realized that WOWO has cooties, so she wriggled away. Bullshit was also picking up chicks, specifically Spicy Tuna Roll, who is about the size of a Barbie doll.

$50 Bitch and Raise My Titanic were the adults in charge of this whole shindig, and they got together all of the newborn hashers (henceforth referred to as virgins), who had obviously never been a Bill Wagner Birthday hash, so they explained to them how this hide-and-seek thing worked. Then the entertainment began. They had hired a clown, Put It Out, to say funny things and act off to amuse all the kids. We formed a circle around PIO and he made all the brand new parents send their virgins into the circle to be introduced. We sang them the Whitehouse HHH anthem, which basically welcomes them into our club and wishes them well. Then PIO re-introduced us to some older kids who had been away for a long time, but had returned for this special occasion to eat all of the birthday cake and drink all of the birthday beer. They were Mole, Mr. Magoo, Garfield and ShitHawk the Chicken Fucker. After the old farts lubed up their vocal cords with beer, they sang a funny song named Father Abraham, where you wave you arms and legs around and then stick out your bottom and then thrust your wee wee forward. The younger kids got a kick out of that!

Then we were on-on, following the trail that was supposed to lead us to the birthday party. We skipped out of the parking deck and found a check at the top of the hill. Mr. Know-it-all BackSnatch went left and found true trail, which went through some business buildings and down the street. There was a cute little girl sitting in the sun waiting, who EatAPuss invited to the birthday party, but she said she was going to go swimming instead. Then the trail went down a hill, through a play ground. Well, you know what happens when kids see a playground, right? It took forever to get ADD poster child Bite Me Elmo off the swings and back on the trail. As we left the park, a little boy named No Motion tripped a girl he kind of likes by the name of Sextra Credit. Your humble scribe helped her up and wiped the grass off her chest, and she was a big girl and didn’t even cry.

We continued on trail to the party, thinking of all the cake and ice cream we were going to eat. TwoLips N. Bush was a naughty boy and said he was going to eat more than just cake. His mom Bavarian Bush said he must have learned that kind of potty mouth talk from his dad, AndHows R. Bush, and threatened to wash his mouth out with soap when he got home.

From there went on the bike path a bit, then through the neighborhoods. We ran past PuTITout’s house, where a bunch of kids really wanted to go skinny dipping in his hot tub, but then we saw BN for "Birthday Party Near," and we went up the street to MFC’s house and the Birthday Stop. There we drank some adult drinks that MFC must have stolen out of his dad’s refrigerator. One little boy was rubbing LateCummer’s back and she was moaning and saying yes, yes, and all kinds of mushy stuff like that. My friend Harddrive says she’s been though puberty and has a training bra and everything. I just think she’s weird. PIO got everyone’s attention for another party game, in which we were to vote for someone to be a beer bitch. Some people thought we should make it Just Josh again, since he still had a lot to learn about pouring beer, but Holytit! nominated Just Andrea, so we voted and Just Andrea won because she’s cute and really popular.

Then the adults told us we weren’t at the party yet, so we started running again. We ran past a church and through a parking lot. As we were running, Golden Showers and Shellacking the Bishop re-joined us from the right. I think they were playing doctor or something. I began to realize that these kids were possibly more mature than I initially thought. One clue was that Short Bus Bitch had chalk handprints all over her ass. Then I remembered they were drinking beer and I realized this must be a group of juvenile delinquents. Well, If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!

Just Carly, SBB, Bad Dog, Just Tracy and I followed trial which jumped back on the bike trail and there we came to a sound check. In a desire to fit in and express my newfound rebelliousness, I sang along in a round of "Happy Birthday Fuck You!" Then we ran back through the neighborhoods and on-in at MFC’s house.

Virgins:

Visitors:

Experiment -- Nairobi H3

Oxtail Soup -- Nairobi H3

Shep -- Berkshire H3

Just Judy -- Chengdu Panda H3

Chicken George -- Chicago H3

Just Tracy -- Chicago H3

Shithawk the Chicken Fucker -- ?

DC Area Visitors:

Just Randy -- Great Falls/EWH3

Just Rob -- DCH3

Long Time No See'ers:

LTNS Special Subset, Hashers on 1^st WH4 this year:

Violations:

Eat a Puss for trying to eat a puss on trail

Pork & Cheese for stopping at home for self gratification

Puss ‘n’ Boots for not being nice and sharing her beer

Bolo Head Rat for skipping the song check

Bad Dog for marking his first check ever after over 100 hashes

Golden Shower for not being able to count to BC-17

Tore Ass for hosing down runners

Doesn’t Miss a Drop for showing up on roller blades but not using them to solve checks for us

Raise My Titanic for checking voice mail

Kumsoon for being a Cinderella

Meatloaf for a major fashion statement

$50 Bitch & Snatch Key Kid for doing a triathlon