WH4 Run #808:
Location: North East DC near the DC Wholesale Market

Hares: Back Snatch, Hare Pie, Semen on the Pew

So, a little freezing rain’s not going to stop any WH4 wankers from hashing on Sunday, is it? A little sub-zero temperatures (metric system) aren’t going to keep anybody from dragging their sorry asses out for fun and beer, is it? The fact that the hash is in North East DC isn’t going to cause anyone to change that oh so familiar routine of packing the old hash bag, hopping in the car and driving to wherever the whims of the hares might lead, is it? And just because every other respectable citizen in the District was at home, sitting on the couch, bundled up and watching the last week of the NFL season isn’t going to influence true hashers into playing hooky from the one group that loves them as much as their own dysfunctional families, now is it?

38 of the toughest White House Hash House Harriers showed up on Sunday, fighting the rain, the cold and the hood to run around in circles and kill brain cells like autistic alcoholics. Those 38 hashers without fear (and without lives) were: Wax On Wacks Off, Two Lips in the Bush, Vibrator, Twatsssuuup, Trouser Snake, Tip Her Whip Her, Test Tube Baby, Snake Charmer, Slip Knot, Semen on the Pew, Sloppy Ho, Put It Out, One Tit Only, Number 2, Mother's Lay, Mitey Tite, Missed Erections, Knee Me In The Balls & Sing Me a Country Song, Jesus' Bitch, Hare Pie, Horny Toad, Goofy, Fag, Finger Pickin' Good, Evil Jesus, Dumb and Dumber, Duck Job, Cum Scout, Celtic Climax, Caminito, Back Snatch, $50 Bitch, Just Lauren, Virgin Larry, Just Dani, Virgin Marina, Just Mike and Just Judy. These individuals embody the true spirit of the White House Hash House Harriers, and they should be looked upon with reverence and respect. If you are not named above you are weak, weak, WEAK!!!

So we started the hash at the corner of Morse and 5^th NE, near Gaulludet and the DC Wholesale Market, and fortunately there was a large shelter to huddle under while we waited for the hash to start. PIO led us through of all the normal rituals, introducing the virgins, the visitors and doing Father Abraham. Back Snatch explained that the hares set the trail with green duck tape, and that squares were checks since they were unable to make circles with the tape. Finally we were on-on.

The freezing rain was coming down as we started hashing through North East. Apparently the District hasn’t quite rectified the piss-poor drainage situation because there were huge, unavoidable puddles everywhere. Not that Jesus’ Bitch was trying to avoid them or anything – he was jumping up and down in the puddles like a 3 year old kid. As usual I was way behind, Dead Fucking Last, but I knew I was on trail because just ahead I saw a couple of cute, little twinsies in matching red WH4 ponchos. It was Celtic Climax and Snake Charmer bringing up the rear, and you could have spotted them through a hurricane with those loud red ponchos.

Apparently, the FRBs, Evil Jesus, 2 Lips and Finger Pickin Good, came upon a cemetery near the trail and thought it would be funny if they could lead the pack through it. Sure enough, everyone followed them, but when they had had enough of their little joke and turned back, they were amazed to find out that they really were on true trail. Half-wits!

As we spotted Shitty Shitty Bang Bang and the beer stop, we also saw two police cruisers with officers intently discussing what could only be their plan for busting all 38 of us rowdy hashers. Then Mitey Tite pointed out hundreds of police cars parked in a fenced in parking lot, and we realized the beer stop was right in front of a police station. Nice planning hares! Number Two speculated that being in North East, the cops should have better things to do than to harass an orderly running group, but when has that ever stopped them? Eventually the officers peeled out, presumably on a doughnut and coffee rescue operation.

It was raining pretty steadily by this time, and Sloppy Ho, 2 Lips, WOWO, Test Tube Baby and others were huddled under a loading ramp shelter, enjoying their tasty beer stop treats. Nobody was very interested in hanging around very long, but the walkers hadn’t shown up yet, so we planned to give them a few minutes. However, 2 Lips and Finger Pickin’ Good got antsy (and cold and wet), so they led us out of the beer check on the second half of the trail.

The trail was A to A, so we could have easily run straight back to the cars. We were right on Virginia Ave, which $50 Bitch informed us led straight back to Gaulludet and the start/end of the hash. I must admit I was tempted to shortcut, but then my scribely sense of duty took hold, and I stayed on trail so that I would be able to record in this very hash trash the complete details of the second half of the run. Unfortunately, my notes got wet and all I can decipher is “cold…fuckin hares…rain…blow job.”

“CIRCLE UP, YOU WANKERS!”

Since we hadn’t felt like hanging around the beer stop in the freezing rain to appoint a beer bitch and we had a pretty small crowd, PIO volunteered to pour down-downs. First, as always, the hares, Back Snatch, Hare Pie, Semen on the Pew, were brought in the circle and we, the pack, told them what a shitty, cold, wet and miserable trail they set.

VIRGINS:

Just Marina (Semen on the Pew made her cum), Just Mick (Caminito made him cum) and Just Larry

VISITOR:

Snake Charmer from the UK (again)

VIOLATIONS:

Put It Out (our Religious Advisor) for not arranging any better weather for the hash

Jesus’ Bitch for running with his new GPS

Vibrator for making fun of deaf people (okay, it was me that told the joke, but she laughed)

Fiddy for singing Mmmmbop!

Trouser Snake for getting the walkers map wet and not finding the beer stop

Semen on the Pew for not showing up to help set trail

2 Lips on the Bush for taking a perfectly fine snowboard to Colorado and returning with a bag full of fiberglass shards (2 Lips was unhurt)

Twatsssup! And Goofy for being the only dry people at the circle, because they auto-hashed

HASH-IT

The nominees for Hash-it were:

Tipper for getting the walkers lost

Semen on the Pew for not setting trail

Mother’s Lay for wearing a trenchcoat

Evil Jesus for a crime against the hash

Fag for going to Ethiopia, eating Sally Struthers, and not coming back with a tan

Fag was awarded the Hash-it

The hash trash does not normally report the goings on at the on-on-on, but this one was so outstanding I just had to issue a special commendation. The little upstairs restaurant we were in had set up a barbeque buffet, and there was a DJ and a dance floor.

On-On! Ducky