White House Hash House Harriers

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"In Beer We Trust"

January 13, 2002

Warning: This paper contains 30 per cent tired old shit. May cause you to be tired of this tired old shit. Alcohol intensifies the effect of being tired of reading this tired old shit.

WH4 # 809

Start: Fort Bayard Park, Friendship Heights, MD

Hares: Duckjob and Twatsssuuuppp!Ò

It was a cold, crisp day as we invaded upper Northwest DC and straddled the border of Maryland, or was that Vominatrix the boarder straddling Marilyn the landlady (MissedErections). I get confused so easily these days. The hares were immediately violated for not knowing whether we were in MD or DC. Then OneTitOnly accused the Scribe of having a fully erect zipper. That was just the beginning of a series of violations for disrespecting the Scribe.

It was good to see RM Titanic back from Amsterdam along with HolyTit who had been posing as her dance instructor. There was a chilly ill wind blowing, although that could have been No. 2, so we took off running rather quickly for a White House hash. Right away U.S. Boobs mentioned that she forgot her muff warmer and tried to get the Scribe to put his earmuffs between her legs.

As we ran uphill through AU Park neighborhood I wondered how these people can afford all the stately mansions, when NoGenitals barked "on-on" in my ear and I snapped out of the real estate fog. I saw SaddleUp without her wiener hound, Lucy. Then I found the little sausage leading the walkers trail in front of TwinKegs and Shake&Bake. TwinKegs and Shake&Bake quickly earned demerits by attempting to litter and by deflecting the scribe's attempts to blackmail embarrassing sexual gossip out of them.

At some point the trail coincided with the Capital Crescent trail and there was a back check six, which led to some confusion. In any case, Vominatrix took advantage of the diversion to environmentally deflower an innocent bush. AndHowsHerBush was cited for

eager beaver FRBing. Skipping the shot check and racing up a hill did not go unnoticed. And everyone noticed Indiana Bones' overexposure of her "temple of poon" thru a hole in the back of her tights. At some point HT rassled Vibrator to the ground and made her touch his winky until she said "Dutch Uncle." Later, little Enron-boy tried to steal the Scribe's notebook to shred the record.

At the beer check there was a chorus of whining about how the trail was too straight, not enough checks, too much running, beer not near enough. Just Michelle was appointed beer bitch. I must say, she's a cute little redhead in need of a name, and who knows what else.

We picked up trail and I followed Vominatrix taking a shortcut. I lost her when she took off really fast, but that may have been because the FBI wants to talk to her about radical clergyman, Shellaqi the Iman, who they suspect may be hiding in bush, caves, and mountainous nests of hair within her control. Soon we were at the circle and the many violators were paraded before the jury of their drunken pee-ers and heaped with scorn and beer.

Virgins:

After the hares were spanked for being naughty, it was time to taunt the virgins. Actually, we only had one, Just Erik, step forward as a true virgin until SaddleUp brought out Just Brian. I think she keeps him hidden away as her personal sex servant. Anyway, the harriettes totally wanted to warm up Just Erik's icicle and wanted to perform tricks with Just Brian's Navy Seal.

Visitors:

Meanwhile Just Gwen and Just Jen, a pair of luscious blondes, had to be expelled from the virgin ceremony because they had falsified their virgin status, having been penetrated at a Red Dress Run. So they drank as visitors and drank again for being Jens and near-Jens and then for being dumb blondes. $50Bitch and Titanic respectively joined them for being Jens and Blondes, and all the horny bastards in the hash begged Just Gwen and Jen to cum again.

Namings

It was a good cold day for a naming or two. We led off with Just Mike Q. This young lad lost his virginity at age 13 (skeptics were doubtful if he ever got laid again). He features red hair and claims to work in aviation management. There was some story about him getting drunk and trying to get laid or get away from the cops, and when questioned he said he lived on the third floor of a two story building and took off running. Were his pants to his knees during this incident or during the naming? I have no idea, as I was freezing my royal ass off. Anyway, all the names were about running from this 2 story building except for "Needle Dick" which woulda worked, but See Dick Run was he runaway winner.

Hashit

There were a number of candidates for this award, led by Duckie and Twatsie for lame-ass haring. (Actually her ass is just fine). We all thought Titanic would win for being crowned the Runnerup for Country Western Swing Dance Champion of the whole, entire world. Or maybe HolyTit for mounting FAG like a Mountie, or PIO because we love to violate him so. But then it came to light that FAG had lost untold numbers of streamers from the hashshit along the trail. These are historical artifacts that smell bad and are discolored, so they cannot easily be replaced.

I thought the vote was unanimous when ProBoner lept into the circle like John Wilkes Booth having a bad hair day. He was flailing about violently and his incoherent ramblings about the Hashit could not be discerned. As we go to print, I cannot confirm whether he has been confined to St. Elizabeth's Mental Hospital along with the Hashit, not to mention John Hinkley.

Next it was another Just Mike who needed a name. He is an Okinawa Marine who likes big jugs and watching the Simpsons and freezing his white ass in Alaska, and he runs fast. There were some suggestions like Doh! and Jughead, but for some reason it was decided he most resembles O.J. Simpson and so it is now and forever more throughout the world of hashing.

ONON, Mitey Tite

The following special feature is not a space filler and does not suggest that your faithful scribe is coasting towards retirement at the end of his term.

 

MOVIE REVIEWS - Hashers in the Current Cinema

Actually WH4 hashers are pretty lousy actors except when scheming for sex, but several hashers (or their lookalikes) have roles in popular motion pictures.

A Beautiful Mind

In this compelling drama, BigBang appears in the role of the brilliant but socially inept PhD who meets a saucy dish, who looks like Snatchshot. Before long, BigBang stops going out for beers and chasing skirts with the boyz so he can devote himself to math and Snatchshot full time. Why are we not surprised that he snaps faster than OneTitOnly getting un-snapped at a tail-hook convention? You guessed it, he becomes completely delusional, a paranoid pycho with homo fantasies about the Assfinder character who follows him around all day. Snatchshot stands by her man, but she had to be gettin' a little sumptin sumptin on the side.

In the Bedroom

Has anyone seen this one? Well, it's a very dark and disturbing morality play (i.e., no tits shown). I suggest you grab the tequila bottle from SloppyHo and Twatsssuuup!Ò to fortify yourself for this one. It starts off with this cute, young divorcee,' Marissa Tomei, who has a really nice butt and perky boobs. I would bring in Doesn'tMissADrop and WellDrilled for a roll on the casting couch to audition for the Marissa Tomei role. Anyway, she has hot monkey love with this younger guy who resembles 2LipsOnTheBush (go figure). And 2Lips' Dad, played by a BigBirdTurd looking guy, is always checking out her butt and telling junior to go for it. Then things get ugly when DMAD/WD's white trash ex-husband, played by WOWO with F*ckEmDanno as stunt double, breaks into their love shack with a demented glint in his eye and bad things happen. Then daddy BigBird teams up with his drinking buddy BoloheadRat for a plate of vengeance served cold.

Gosford Park

This movie had a gigantic cast, but the main story involves the rich old fart, played by WhereDaFukAreWe who invites a bunch of people out to his place in the country. His wife, played by BettyCrotcher sees this as a chance to get some sex action in between cat fights with her sister BiteMeElmo, who has her eye on a matinee idol, played by Jackoff Lantern. Sure enough, a young American posing as a Scotsman, Golden Showers, starts doing BettyCrotcher plus TipHerWhipHer, Target Practice, Free Refills and a half dozen other servant girls. Finally, WhereDaFukAreWe gets murdered and no one is upset, but everyone suspects the bitter loser How'dHeFuckinDoMe. However, the snippy Butler played by DuckJob remains a prime suspect.

Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings

I didn't see either of these movies yet, so this review may be less factual than others. But I think we all would agree that Missing Rubber will win an Academy Award for his portrayal of Frodo, the hobbit. Yes, cuddly half-pint HolyTit could win for making his Harry Potter magic. And don't forget MellowForeskinCheese taking on both the roles of Professor Dumbledore as well as Gandalf the Wizard. Let's also give (a nod of the) head to Vibrator, for cumming alive as Charlotte the Harlot. Oops, my mistake, that was in a privately produced video that I promised not to talk about.