February - S. Arlington, VA.

WH4 Trail #696
They began piling in early for this trail, what with most all of the gray nasty snow melted away. A nice sunny day, whooooweeeeee!
As I assumed my fill-in-pretend scribe role, it was only a nano-second before the harassment began. First #2 bitched about some white substance he imagined blemishing the lip-o-scribe. Bark-a-Dildo & Tez's Smirnoff Smirk didn't hesitate to pile on. Reporters get no respect!

Sign in was fully staffed with the slightly limping Raise-My-Titanic and Take-Me-Drunk-I'm-Home both accepting $$ from the masses. What number trail is this? They expect the hareraiser to remember-696 later research revealed.
Yapping with a few others, I realized that WDFK was having difficulty getting off Korea time, but still managed to throw down a coherent chalk talk. 11 virgins it looked like ... this pseudo-scribe's little digits were wearying at the thought-might need two pencils.
As blinding as the sun was, it couldn't match the glare from JagQueen's new shoes-certainly he'd be tasting them later -- Bad Bush, Penis.Com, NipplessCage and DumbBlond hovered around the shining slippers like bugs on a lite.
Our strange little cult finally circled up to get a first look at the virgins, heckle a few visitors and have the hares tell us that circles are checks and x-s are BTs. ONoN was called and the wankers set out.
Down a block, up a block, crost a street sniffing flour the pack went stumbling at one check after another until completely stymied at Courthouse Rd & S. 6th St. Feeling ever so-cocky I set off with Re-SpectableTesticle and just-Art following a full eight marks (yes, 8 f*ing marks) before finding the dreaded-X. Days later when we made our way back to the check we saw the crowd a mere block away already swarming SSBB. Ya gotta love it--10 minutes on trail, four blocks from the start and we're at the BC! Now that's a good WH trail!
Trying to get into the mind of the (wo)man on the street ... I interviewed Black Box:
Q. "How was the walker's trail?"
A. "Goooooooooooooooooooood".
I put away my pad and sat down to enjoy the golden nectar with long-time-no-seers T-Bone (school in GA) and Cum-by-ya (loafing in Boston). All too soon whistles whined, oNoN was called and the pack was off.
Quickly upon a check, all fell for a two block loop that brought us right back to the same check - choruses of "kill-the-hares" became deafening. A little hash here, a little hash there. Next thing I know someone spys a short cut to Veitch St and I'm FRB-ing with ButtPlug & Necro-Feel-My-Ass. Ahhh - the ideal trail: 1/3 FRB, 1/3 DFL and 1/3 MOTP!
Flour sort of disappeared at Columbia Pike, but even with only half branes, we know what A-A means so on-in to the park where it all began.
Once the beer was poured, oreos were split and chips were dipped, the pack again formed some amoebae-like shape-definitely NOT a circle to toast the hash and remind the hares what a shitty trail it was. Since only Just-Mac was present, he drank for his MIA cohares, Steers & Queers and Just Mike.
After that fine down-down demonstration, the virgin class of 696 was introduced, we found out who makes them cum (BTW S&Q up for stud of the month for making at least half of them come all at once). Their temporary labels are:

-Theresa "Canadian Goose"
-Justin "Justin an Inch"
-Jeff "Boy Toy"
-Lynn "Horns of a Dilemma"
-Art "Artsy Fartsy"
-Janet "No Way Out"
-Cathy "Roped & Hogtied"
-Sue "Not Getting Any"
-Kara "Its Real Short"
-Paul "Asian Secret"
-Tiffany "Terminator"

They drank and then were expelled from the circle only to replaced by three Motley visitors: just Karen from Tittsburg and Tip of My Twinkie and Turd Bird from NC's Emerald Coast HHH. They were given some sort of fine memorable keepsake to memorialize their visit and then sent packing.
The subject of violating came up and suddenly everyone was ratting out his or her hash buds. The accused and their crimes:

-Picco and Pork-Me-the-Other-White-Meat for environmentals (Oil of No-Lay drinking for Picco)
-Target Practice for carrying purse on trail "just in case there is any shopping"
-JagQueen drank from his cinderalla slippers
-Poodle-F*cked and Packed Too-Tight for sniffing bitches in heat (PF drank twice for himself and PTT)
-T-Bone for leading entire pack off trail
-El Segundo for giving Ivy-Licker bad SSBB keys
-Flab (giving) & Moonman (receiving) hand job in circle
-Ruined It For Dad for blabbing on cellphone in circle
-Steers & Queers for Mardi Gras beads two weeks early
-Just Ian for playing basketball next to our holy circle

With their transgressions duly noted and punished, the violators were exiled to the outer reaches and the entire Brew Crew was brought in to do (what else?) a down-down. Our Religious Advisor admonished the pack to 1) pay daily homage to the BC, 2) make their every wish our command and 3) stay the hell out of their way. The BC drank en todo and then turned out.
Next on the list were those lucky enough to be born in the month of presidents: Bark-A-Dildo, Keil Bastard, Flab, Steers & Queers, Just Mac and your humble sub-scribe. With F-yous all around, we drank. Other assorted recognitions … Duck Job 50 trails and S&Q for being advertised in the VD heart throb section of The Post.
Other things I remember … naming a couple wankers. First on deck was just Chris who assumed the position topless to better show off his fresh new matching tongue and nipple rings. A variety of his "friends" came forward to defame his reputation and come up with a name. The potentials included:
-"Dick Licker" (so Ivy Licker won't have to drink alone)
-"Mr Clean" (shiny cranium)
-"Mr Queen" (for multitude of body piercings?)
-"Ring Job" (same)
However, the sincere manner in which Butt Plug recounted a recent Hash where JC had difficulty recovering from a 90 second de-pantsing in mid-circle won the crowd over. Whether the cold temperature created extenuating circumstances that night or not, he will evermore be known as "Grape Nuts".
Next came just Dan who also had been pulling duty as a most excellent beer-bitch all circle. Numerous harrietes swooned when he uncovered a massive furry chest that would make Austin Powers jealous. As he assumed the position, names started flying:
-"Suck My Balls" (personal preference?)
-"Fish Licker" (a sushi experience I think)
-"Hairy Bung Hole" (mere speculation?)
-"Sexy Bitch" (Austin's dream boy)
-"Bush Bitch" (to get more bitches in the hash?)
-"Pussy Pruner" (can't imagine why)
But as the half-branes were put together ... some sort of law enforcement, sex and TV collage emerged so that JD will now and forever more be know throughout the hash universe as "F*ck-Em Danno"
While Grape Nuts and F*ck-Em Danno recovered from their golden showers, a few wankers wearing sunglasses came forward to drink.
A different hare emerged to tell us that for a mere $10 we could eat pizza, drink beer and dance the night away right next door at the oNoNoN.
People bitched about the now cold weather, we swang low, hoped to get a piece and ended our therapy session for one more week.
This pencil will be returned to its rightful owners next week ... PutItOut signing off

P.S. The apres/sockhop was a blast highlighted by a particularly enthusiastic rendition of Chicago and a limbo stick-good job hares!

Next Week's Trail (Sunday 3/5 @ 3PM)
Hares: Moist Sushi and Suck Eat & Lei
Start: Georgetown U (Canal Rd entrance)
oNoNoN: The Tombs