WH4 Run #820: BEER MADNESS!!!
Location: East Falls Church, Virgin-ya
Hares:Cum Scout, Fuck ‘em Dan-o, TWIG, Hey Ho, Asstro Turf and Howdy Fuckin’ Do Me
As I arrived at the basketball courts at the East Falls Church metro, mixed feelings of excitement and nervousness were swelling up in my stomach.Hey Ho and TWIG had waged a relentless recruiting effort to get me to scribe here in the big leagues, and today was the big day, the 1st annual Beer Madness!My first move as starting scribe was to beat a path to Shitty Shitty Bang Bang and get the story on the beer of the day from brew crew, Mitey Tite, Free Refills and Mr. Softy.
As I milled around the courts, I observed that the competition was fierce. The Oregon Grinder clique, including All-Americans, Jingle Jizz, Cock Eye, and Fuzzy, Warm, and Sticky, had their game faces on and were warming up with a little hash pre-lube.The Queens, Dairy Queen, Delaware Queen, Prison Prom Queen, Crouching Drag Queen Hidden Boner, and Gay, were lookin’ good strutting their stuff in their baggy hash pants. The Sloppies, on the other hand, had suffered a severe set back with Sloppy Ho out of the game, on injured reserves with a SERIOUS hangover.Twatsssuuup was looking deep on the bench for a Ho replacement.
The hash venue was packed with a huge crowd of about 150 harriers and harriettes.In the pre-hash festivities, freebie hash beer bottle openers were thrown into the crowd to get everyone pumped up for the main event.We split up into teams, with “skins” including Wax On Whacks Off, Kenny G Spot, Caminito, OJ Simpson and Da Boobs (I wish). Shellacking the Bishop, clad in a Wizards Jersey, and everybody else were “shirts.”
$50 Bitch called for today’s starting lineup to huddle up. She said she wanted a good, dirty hash with lots of bumping, grabbing, and stroking it. We met all of the new players and the visiting team, and in a very stirring and motivational pep talk, $50Bitch told them that this was for all of the marbles and if they wanted beer, they would have to BE Aggressive, BEE - EEE Aggressive.The circle took of our hats and Songmeister Summers Eve led us in the WH4 anthem, ending with a rousing “Fuck you!”

Since it was Palm Sunday, all hashers with religious names were asked to enter the circle to lead us in a quick stretch with Father Abraham.Virgin With Mary and Hail Mary Full of Jizz came forth, and their son, Evil Jesus followed them donning a crown of thorns – never mind that he was a week early for Easter.Evil Jesus asked everyone to show him their palms, and I couldn’t help but notice that JackOff Lantern’s were pretty damn hairy.
Then the officials were brought into the circle to tell us the rules for today’s event.Fuck’em Dano, looking very dapper in his black and white referees outfit, explained that Beer Madness would include beer tasting, tunnels, beer brackets, specially made shirts for $10, and beer and shot checks.TWIG wet her whistle and then blew it as Big Dick No Brains lustfully looked on, and said, “Play ball!”After getting immediately goosed, Great Balls of Fire cried, “Not those balls!” & we were on-on.
Trail started out crossing over the bike trail and up Brandymede Mountain, prompting Trouser Snake to offer his wineskin full of mead to Target Practice and Betty Crotcher. Betty Crotcher said, “Yeah, man, gimme some skin!” But Target Practice rejected him, saying she didn’t know where that ‘skin had been. Soon we emerged on a street, came back to the bike path and were faced with a true trail arrow pointing in to a dark and dreary tunnel. Snatch Key Kid, Shock-A-Cock, and Assfinder descended, noting green glow sticks barely illuminating the way. The hares must not have been able to afford the giant spotlight and accompanying sound system you would expect at an event of this magnitude. We felt our way through the tunnel, and it was moist, warm and deep, very deep. Wait a second, sorry, that was Doesn’t Miss a Drop. The tunnel we trudged through was cold, wet and stiff. Nope, my bad, that was Mitey Tite this time. We couldn’t see worth a damn, because for some reason, no one thought to bring flashlights on a bright Sunday afternoon. Imagine that…After the tunnel, T& Ehhhh decided it was time for a little one-on-one action with a large boulder. The rock got in a lucky shot and broke her nose, but in the end, T&Ehhhh bragged, “I kicked that rock’s ass!” Fortunately, Put It Out was there to swab her, and then Sloppy Ho and Twassssup took her to the locker room.Unfortunately, she was finished for the day.The rest of us, especially
Whore Moans, French Toasted and Vibrator were pissed that the end of the tunnel was no more than the length of a basketball court from the start. That was the slowest fast break ever. Next Vominatrix, Yank Me Out, Well Drilled, Number 2, and the rest of the FRBs ran past the East Falls Church metro and up the W&OD bike path. We ran past the Cote D’or French restaurant and one of the officials, Cum Scout loudly blew his whistle and told Microprick that he was at a back check 16 and had to turn around. uPrick protested that that was a bullshit call! He pointed to the 20 something hashers heading into the woods straight ahead and complained that they didn’t get the BC-16 call. Head coach Bolo Head Rat came in from the sidelines and was able to restrain uPrick before he got ejected from the hash. As we backtracked we saw that Sucks It Blue had finally been put into the hash. He was not in the starting lineup because he is persistently late to happy hours and hashes. SIB was making up for lost time by jumping over fences and cutting through yards. It paid off and soon we were at the beer tasting check. TWIG and the other officials had two large coolers that were filled with the four number one seeded beers: Wild Goose, Hefeweisen, Pilsner Urquel and Dominion Ale. Beer Slut, Closet Slut, Spinal Tap, Swings Both Ways, and Roxy Operated Buddy were sampling the beers and Beer Slut said he needed a few extra pours to make a well-informed judgment. Vominatrix took this opportunity to Baptize Shellacking the Bishop with a supersoaker she found on trail. Then the walkers set off, led by Golden Showers, who was sporting a rolled up blanket attached to his belt with a fastener of some sort, so that his hands would be free for Tequila, beer and the occasional groping of a harriette. The best that WhereDaFuKhawe could determine was that the blanket was in case Golden Showers had an opportunity for sex on trail. I believe it was at this point that Microsoft informed me that Hail Mary Full of Jizz had recently paid for her sister, Just Rachel, to have her pussy shaved, or something like that. Pro Boner said we would need some kind of visual proof before we could accept that as truthful testimoany. All of the sudden, right in the middle of the street, one of todays officials, Fuck’em Dano, called for a shot check at the intersection of Tuckaho and 11th Street. It was Peppermint Schnapps I believe. Fortunately, traffic was light, so we didn’t have to make holes for too many vehicles, although the neighborhood kids did try and drive their bikes through the middle of the pack. And did I mention that we were hashing in my neighborhood?  As we finished up sipping on the schnapps and started back on trail, I told two very bad girls, Bad Ditch and Bad Bush that my house was right around the corner and that we
could swing by for a little post-hash workout. As we discussed the various possibilities and positions, we actually turned onto my street, and I thought, this is perfect, the Bad Girls will remember how to get to my little love shack. Sure enough we were heading straight for my ducky pad. But what the hell!!! Shitty Shitty Bang Bang was parked in my driveway and there were over a hundred hashers including WorldWide, Diaper, Watergate, Coin Operated, Bundling Board, Sea Boobies, Spurt Plus, UnFuhFuckable, Clorox Kid, Can't Lay Shit, Mother's Lay, Leave It In Beaver, Kiel Bastard, Ivy Licker, Burning Bush, Tastes Like Chalk, Bramble Bush, The Pimp of Sarajevo, Stick Your Finger In It, Just Veronica, Just George, Just Karla, Just Stuart, Just Jason, Just Andrew, Just Larry, and Just Karl. Dammit!! This is going to ruin everything! How am I ever going to get alone with the Bad Girls for a ménage duck twat? As we went down the stairs to my back patio, the officials were conducting a head giving contest. Well, if they’re going to use
my house at least it was for a good cause. The head givers were selected and were given a beer and a pilsner glass, in which they had 30 seconds to give the perfect head. TWIG blew her whistle and they were off. As time expired, it was close, but Da Boobs won the Head Contest with the perfect head of 1 inch (see, Back Snatch? There’s nothing wrong with a one inch head!) which she achieved by starting the pour at an angle down the side of the glass and then finishing the pour direct into the head. One inch is just enough to hold the bitterness of the hops without destroying the effervescence (this translates into bubbles for $50Bitch) of this golden social beer. Her prize: a gift pack of 4 specialty beers. But this was not the end of the hash! The officials pointed the pack in the direction of the trail, I hosed down Put It Out for pissing on my shed, and we were on-on again. At this point, my game plan was falling apart. The Bad Girls were gone without fulfilling my ultimate fantasy, so instead I helped the brew crew clean up. My hard work paid off as I was allowed to hitch a ride in the back of Shitty Shitty Bang Bang to the end of the run. After a bumpy ride down the homestretch, we pulled into the Westover Center parking lot, where Slip Knot, Silent Knob, Sextra Credit, Road Whore, Ram Rod, Picabo Streetwalker, Ooops, I Shit it Again, Mr. Softie, Indiana Bones & the Temple of Poon, In Search of Men, Hymen Dickover, Hoover, Hasher Humper, Grape Nuts, Grab My Ass, G.I.M.B.O, Free Refills, Freddy Kreuger, Dumb and Dumber, Dr. Strangelove, Double Blow Seven, Blonde Roots, Big Bird Turd, Bend Over Rover, BecauseHeCan, Bavarian Bush, Back Snatch, AssHopper, And How's Her Bush were happily throwing back some suds.

THE CIRCLE:Well, we had some problems at the circle right off the bat, because some of the merchants in the adjacent shopping center called the cops on us. Fortunately, 2 of the 3 policemen that showed up were friends of hashers and according to Oregon Grinder, one of them is an amazing dancer, with Latin syncopation and everything. They gave us about 10 minutes to complete the circle and clear out, so we conducted the fastest break ever and naturally, we beat the buzzer and were victorious.
Just Matt was the beer bitch, and he was under a lot of pressure to perform. The pace of the circle was so fast that it could have been too much for a mere virgin to handle.But somehow, the down-downs were poured and they got into the mouths and over the heads (head?Who said head?I’ll take some of that!) of those who deserved them.
Virgins:The virgins were Just Matt, Just Karen, Just Janelle, Just Dave, Just Mahesh, Just Tracey, Just Rich, Just Billy, Just Erin, Just Helen, Just Sherry, Just Dave, Just Karen, Just Andrea, Just Rachel, and Just Greg. There were a lot of them, and since we were pressed for time, we didn’t have a chance to find out who made them cum and to say hello to them properly.
Visitors:
Spit Don't Swallow, My Left Foot, Hail Mary Full of Jizz, Drippy Dick, Doggie Style, Debbie Does Dingoes
Violations:
Charging – USBoobs & Oral Report (totally ran me over)· Double Dribble – MFC had beer running down both sides of his mouth·
Blocking – Doesn’t Miss a Drop intentionally kept hashers from getting to the snacks·
Technical Foul – 2 Lips in the Bush for finding porn on trail and complaining about it·
Travelling – Goofy, No Mo and Missing Rubber on roller blades·
Personal Foul – WOWO for grabbing boobs·
Up & Down – OJ Simpson and Takes a Lickin’ for humping each other at the beer stop·
Flagrant Foul – Just Karin claimed to be carrying Jager in her backpack but didn’t share with anyone
Racers - Hashers who ran in the DC marathon: Harepie, Dumb & Dumber, Holytit!, GI Joe with a Kung-Fu Grip, Vominatrix, Running Bare, Pork & Cheese, Mr. Pibb, $2 Head, Full Metal Balls and probably lots of others, but I missed you at the beer stop because I was pacing P&C. Congratulations to those of you who survived!

Anal-verseries - Kenny G-Spot (25- mug club), Shellacking the Bishop (25 –mug club), Two Lips in the Bush (50), And How's Her Bush (50), Bad Ditch (69), Blowin’ in the wind (100)Mello Foreskin Cheese celebrated his 300th victory as head cheesehead, joining an exclusive list of the all time greatest harriers.In a post-hash interview, MFC said he owed it all to his love of beer and that he would willingly face any down-down that challenged him.He was awarded a WH4 windbreaker, a gift pack of 2 specialty beers and a bottle of tequila in honor of the occasion. MFC waved to the scores of adoring fellow cheeseheads who were chanting his name as he left the arena.

LongTimeNoSee'ers - Goofy, Keil Bastard, Beer Slut, Bad Ditch, Spurt Plus, sucks it blue, sextra credit, Dr. Strangelove, Golden Showers, Missing Rubber, 8 a puss, Mr. Pibb, Can't Lay Shit, Hoover, GIMBO, Bcuz he can, Indy, Freddy Kruger, Just George, Double Blow 7, Clorox Kidd
BEER MADNESS!!! Beer Bracket standings
The winner was No Genitals, and her prize was a Bucket of specialty beers.
2. Mr. Softie tied with Virgin Avec Mary,
4. Prison Prom Queen
5. Late Cummer
6. Summer's Eve
The lowest score by a huge margin in the beer brackets was WOWO, because his final four was PBR, Natural Light, Milwaukee’s Beast and the Champagne of beer,  Miller High Life.Better luck next time, WOWO!

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SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME KICKS IN NEXT WEEK.PLEASE SET YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD
ONE HOUR.OTHERWISE, YOU WILL BE AN HOUR LATE TO THE HASH AND WE WILL NOT
BE ABLE TO GUARANTEE THAT THERE WILL BE ANY BEER LEFT.
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Next weeks hash:
# 822 Sunday April 7
Hares: 2 Lips in the Bush & Ass Finder
Location: Somewhere in VA
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ON-ON!
Ducky