White House Hash House Harriers
For Directions and Information call 202-PUD-JAM0/202-232-HASH
Check us out on line: www.dchashing.org/wh4
"In Beer we Trust"
July 2, 2001
Please memorize the following
sentence and silenty repeat it
to yourself at the beginning
of every circle: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
WH4 Run #775 - The Queen Tit! Hash
Start: Branch Ave Metro (Middle of fuckin' nowhere)
Hares: Dairy Queen, Jag Queen, Delaware
Queen and Holytit!
Once in a Sucks it
Blue Moon (which is not a pretty sight) The Whitehouse Hash House Harriers
are dragged out to Prince Georges County, MD by a group of adventurous,
cock-sure hares who in all probability were not around the last time we
journeyed to the outer edge of the metro area. Judging from all the bitching
and moaning at Friday's happy hour, the trek to PG County was as eagerly
anticipated as a gynecological exam with Mr.
Softy and his icy cold tool. Fair weather hasher Tiny Thing said that you wouldn’t catch him in “Pretty Gross”
County if it were raining pussy and
horny bitches. WDFK defended the selection of venues
(being much closer to his Dumfries home than DC) citing it as area with a
diverse geographical makeup and a rich multi-cultural medley of people that
possess a valuable array of talents, interests, dedication to education, and
commitment to community. As soon as Horny Toad finished choking on her
beer, she rebutted that "Public Gunfire" County is the worst hellhole
on earth and that showing our drunken asses there would bring out every gun
toting, trigger happy, shoot first and ask questions later police officer in
the county. As if we don’t already have
enough problems with the law…
So, off we go to PG County and the Branch Avenue Metro. Where???
The Branch Avenue Metro??? Where
the Hell is that and how do you get there???
At least one hasher must have taken the Orange Line to New Hurlington,
but where they took her, no one knows.
If anyone sees Ms. Hurlington, please return her to WH4.
Raise My Titanic,
upon her arrival to the start explained how she had to check exactly where it
was on a map, even though neighboring Bowie, MD is where she was born, raised,
lost her virginity, and is now recognized as the most prolific seductress of
wealthy septuagenarians in the state. RMT
then proceded to sit on Hymenator’s “soft, cushy bag,” as have several
recent virgins, while helping Fag sign in today’s deviants. Had-A-Madam also moaned about how he
had to leave work from DC, go to Reston to get his hashing shoes (so as not to
have to drink from his Buster Browns), and then drive over an hour around the
beltway in bumper to bump-her traffic to get to the hash. Fortunately, the 2001 WH4 Regime is not as
prompt as the Had-a-Madam dynasty and we were still sitting around with
our thumbs up our asses.
Hashers were still arriving at 7:15 p.m., which angered the
beautiful but impetuous $50 Bitch. She
does not mind a somewhat leisurely start, especially on a cool and un-muggy day
like today, but this was trying her patience.
We had less than a mouthful of virgins, which especially disappointed No
Genitals, because she noticed that the few there were chicks. “I WANT DICK!!!” she cried. Hmmmm… While she looked in vain for Big
Dick No Brains or Dick-a-Lick, the male hashers hooted and hollered
for the 2 super-hot, babe-o-licious new virgins that were displayed for our
viewing pleasure. Just Kelly and
Just Becky were poked and prodded, but when asked who made them cum,
neither was able to finger the hashers responsible for their impending
corruption and defilement. We finally determined that they were brought by Two
Lips on a Dyke and Tez’s Smirnoff Smirk, respectively, neither of
whom wanted their boyfriends to know they were “playing for the other team.”
The visitors introduced themselves and most had actually
journeyed even further than us locals to this remote location, with the
exception of the three wild and rambunctious Baltimore Annapolis folks that
made a short trek down I-95 to grace us with their presence.
After Holytit! led us in a brief but effective
version of Father Abe, the hares explained today’s trail. Even EatAPuss
was concerned that run-til-you-die Holy Tit! was a hare. However, co-hares Dairy Queen, Delaware
Queen, and Jag Queen should have easily tempered HT’s century
legs. They pointed us around the metro
and we were off! Have Dick Will
Travel noticed lots of grassy areas, trees, and shiggy to the right and
figured the trail had to go that way, but the road curved to the left and us
half-brained followed it. Just Steve
and Duckjob took a dirt road up a hill because, surely, the trail
must enter the shiggy somewhere.
Nope. To no avail. Perhaps, those two were going off to sword
fight, exclaimed Puss and Boots.
We continued down an ass-fault road and, ironically, us hashers were yearning for the shiggy. We didn’t come all the way out to PG County for nothin’. We passed the entrance to the metro and continued running. Noting that the road we were running down led to a bunch of car dealerships and strip malls, Snatch Key Kid said, “Well, maybe we will get some window shopping done.” Back Snatch suggested the alleys between the strip malls could be used for something else that also invovles stripping, and I don’t think he was talking about refinishing furniture…
Those of us in the back of the pack came to a check where all the FRB’s had followed trail straight. Jag Queen however informed us that there were 2 true trails from this check and that true trail left was half a mile shorter than true trail straight. Guess which way we went?
At the beer stop, everyone quickly filled up on beer and
other beverages and began milling about.
Those participating on the walker trail also arrived in a timely manner,
including Raise My Titanic, Fag, Spinal Tap, Hasher Humper, and
WDFK. After a few malty ones, Jag
Queen prematurely announced ON-ON well before folks were ready to go. Moreover, a Beer Bitch has not been
announced and he ended up having to call all eager hashers back, including Eat-A-Puss,
Short Bus Bitch, and For Sale or Rent.
We named Just George to be the Beer Bitch, which
pleased many-a-ho in the crowd. Sloppy
Ho and her twin H2Ho debated the best way to seduce this young
virile specimen. Sloppy Ho said
since she was the original Ho she got first dibs, but H2Ho argued she
was the wettest Ho and since she was already ready to go, she should get to
break in the new meat. I believe this
is when Just Katherine mentioned something about not being able to
climax under certain conditions, but I’ll leave that for someone else to
investigate.
The beer stop was over much too quickly. The pack continued to run through the nice
neighborhoods of PG County, still somewhat disenchanted with the hares,
especially Holy Tit! who apparently could not find trails, woods, PI, or
any other obstacles to run us half-minds through. Then, at long last, we came to the promised TIT/QUEEN split and
spied (GASP!) woods and shiggy! Hashers were already bush-whacking around a
pond and into the wilderness. Bolo
Head Rat was visibly drooling at this prospect, but HolyTit!
appeared and shattered our one last hope for shiggy. He told us we had to turn around because the trail was set to cut
through private property, but the hares did not have permission from the
owner. Instead, Tit led us to
the end where we glutted ourselves on beer, junk food, and more beer. Number 2 was indulging his
pyromaniacal tendencies by stoking up the grill, for the end of the trail was
to serve as the on-in, the circle, and the on-on-on all in one. That was all nice and good, except that our
cars were about 2 mi. away, according to Delaware Queen.
After a very lengthy social hour that consisted of beer drinking, late sign-in, Haberdasher sales, and car shuttles to the beginning, RMT and $50B circled up the half-minds who were already half-gone. I think that means they were now quarter-minds.
Had-A-Madam assisted the GM’s, realizing they could not run a circle if their life depended on it. He quickly jumped in as Song Meister. We all took a moment to ponder why KY Belly was once again absent. However, no one can complain when HAM enters the circle. He can captivate an audience very easily. RMT can too, with her tits, but that is like comparing apples to oranges, or perhaps melons…luscious, ripe melons.
We first saluted Just George and said a prayer that he would perform much better than the last two Beer Bitches. (Man, did they suck.)
$50 Bitch introduced the virgins. They were:
Just Kelly (Two Lips on a Dyke)
Just Becky (Tez's Smirnoff Smirk)
Just Katherine (Sigourney Beaver)
Then, we recognized the Visitors. We had an eclectic, crazy bunch that had a great time in our fair
city, even if it was PG County. The visitors were: Oscar (Mexico City), Shake 'n' Bake
(Mexico City), Roto Root Her, Python, Chickless Boner, Woody (San
Antonio), Private Dick, Sprocket Sucker and 3 wankers from
Baltimore/Annapolis
It was getting so incredibly loud that this scribe could
have missed one or two of them or garbled up a few names. It was obvious that the quarter-brains don’t
know what hash respect is. I apologize
in advance and blame Mighty Tite and Fag, (not because they did
anything, just for the hell of it.)
Speaking of being loud.
It was getting so loud (did I mention it was getting loud) that I
noticed the mild-mannered Hash Ambassador Spinal Tap vociferously
reprimanding a fellow hasher (couldn’t tell whom the dark, but it was
obvioulsly a male working some harriette) for not being respectful of the
circle rituals. He was more concerned
with his own sexual rituals than what was going on in the circle and Spinal
Tap pretty much told this hasher to put his dick back in his pants at least
until the circle was over.
RMT then brought
out the Long Time No Seers:
Everyone was happy to see Two Lips on a Dyke. Isn’t she a great hasher? She should cum more frequently, doncha
think? Hare Dairy Queen also
drank and when one hare drinks……they all do!
Bull Chip was in town visiting, so we brought him out to do a
soda down-down.
$50B managed to
briefly get everyone’s attention for Anal-versaries. She kept everyone in suspense when the latest member to join the
Major Get-A-Life club at 100 runs was…..(drum roll, please)….. Holy Tit!
RMT kept HT!
in the circle, because not only does he not have anything better to do than to
show his ugly face 100 times at the hash, but he was also stupid enough to
travel all the way to California to run 100 miles straight…within 24
hours. Now that is f*cked up!
Tit Pit Crew Members Bull Shit, Duck Job, and $50
Bitch also drank, because they flew all the way out to the Sierra Nevada
Mountains to follow Tit! around like deadheads and watch him run. Whassamattayou? Running’s not a spectator sport!
Violations, violations, violations. Enough violations to put a PG County jail
cell to shame. Since I doubt if you
heard any of them, here they are again: Ivy, Just Dave, Just Steve, H 2 Ho,
2 Lips in the Bush, 2 Lips on a Dyke, Tez’s Smirnoff Smirk, No Genitals, and
Have Dick Will Travel.
Keen eyes and quick thinking foiled an attempted coverup of
a Cinderella. Just Reesa (or is
it Lisa?) had brand spanking new shoes for her second hash ever. Perhaps she didn’t know about the Cinderella
requirement of drinking out of her shoe, but ignorance is no excuse.
Compounding matters was that Pork & Cheese aided and abetted her in
trying to muddy up her shoes to escape a smelly, foul tasting down down. We busted them both and Just Reesa/Lisa
(sorry, the noise factor once again) was a good sport in doing the down down
from her shoe, although she couldn’t quite choke it down. Fortunately, visitor Woody was there
to help finish it off. We had another
Cinderella, Short Bus Bitch, but when confronted in the circle, she had
hidden her shoe. We offered up R/L’s
other shoe, but SBB said there was no way she was drinking out of a
shoe. Perhaps she should drink from the
HashShit instead??? Stay tuned…
Next we had a very solemn occasion. We had a naming for Just George. He
was a good beer bitch, and that is lucky for him because he is unemployed and
may have to sling suds until he finds a more fruitful job. RMT has known him
since college. The better suggestions
were Slow Cummer, Little Dingy, Me
Llama Hey Whore, Hoochy Mama, but eventually the circle decided on Hey HO,
because it kind of has a nice ring to it.
Since we were on a roll, so to speak, we decided to name Just
Stephanie as well. She is Short
Bus’s new room mate and is a teacher, too. That was enough to get the circle rolling and Teacher’s Pet,
Wheels on the Bus, Penis Butter, Hit & Run Room were considered, but EatAPuss,
inspired by angst ridden adolesent memories, nominated After School Special,
which everyone liked because the initials are ASS. So, henceforth and forevermore, Just Steph shall be known as After
School Special.
After several long distance trips, the Hash Shit was happy
to be home and glad to catch up on sleep.
Jet lag sucks. As the
quarter-brains had now disintegrated to the size of Dalmation brains, folks
were looking for short nominations and awarding of the Hash Shit.
Short Bus Bitch was
nominated for creating her own Eagle/TIT! split to get in more miles, not
drinking from the new shoes she wore and being lame in general. Bad Dog was nominated for simply
being Bad Dog. Trouser Snake attempted
to make an official nomination.
However, he prematurely ejactulated and could not complete his
nomination. Therefore, the Hash Shit
went to bumblin’ stumblin’ Trouser Snake.
On-On!
Ducky & $50 Bitch