WH4 Run #775 - The Queen Tit! Hash

Start: Branch Ave Metro (Middle of fuckin' nowhere)
Hares: Dairy Queen, Jag Queen, Delaware Queen and Holytit!

Once in a Sucks it Blue Moon (which is not a pretty sight) The Whitehouse Hash House Harriers are dragged out to Prince Georges County, MD by a group of adventurous, cock-sure hares who in all probability were not around the last time we journeyed to the outer edge of the metro area. Judging from all the bitching and moaning at Friday's happy hour, the trek to PG County was as eagerly anticipated as a gynecological exam with Mr. Softy and his icy cold tool. Fair weather hasher Tiny Thing said that you wouldn’t catch him in “Pretty Gross” County if it were raining pussy and horny bitches. WDFK defended the selection of venues (being much closer to his Dumfries home than DC) citing it as area with a diverse geographical makeup and a rich multi-cultural medley of people that possess a valuable array of talents, interests, dedication to education, and commitment to community. As soon as Horny Toad finished choking on her beer, she rebutted that "Public Gunfire" County is the worst hellhole on earth and that showing our drunken asses there would bring out every gun toting, trigger happy, shoot first and ask questions later police officer in the county. As if we don’t already have enough problems with the law…

So, off we go to PG County and the Branch Avenue Metro. Where??? The Branch Avenue Metro??? Where the Hell is that and how do you get there??? At least one hasher must have taken the Orange Line to New Hurlington, but where they took her, no one knows. If anyone sees Ms. Hurlington, please return her to WH4.

Raise My Titanic, upon her arrival to the start explained how she had to check exactly where it was on a map, even though neighboring Bowie, MD is where she was born, raised, lost her virginity, and is now recognized as the most prolific seductress of wealthy septuagenarians in the state. RMT then proceded to sit on Hymenator’s “soft, cushy bag,” as have several recent virgins, while helping Fag sign in today’s deviants. Had-A-Madam also moaned about how he had to leave work from DC, go to Reston to get his hashing shoes (so as not to have to drink from his Buster Browns), and then drive over an hour around the beltway in bumper to bump-her traffic to get to the hash. Fortunately, the 2001 WH4 Regime is not as prompt as the Had-a-Madam dynasty and we were still sitting around with our thumbs up our asses.

Hashers were still arriving at 7:15 p.m., which angered the beautiful but impetuous $50 Bitch. She does not mind a somewhat leisurely start, especially on a cool and un-muggy day like today, but this was trying her patience. We had less than a mouthful of virgins, which especially disappointed No Genitals, because she noticed that the few there were chicks. “I WANT DICK!!!” she cried. Hmmmm… While she looked in vain for Big Dick No Brains or Dick-a-Lick, the male hashers hooted and hollered for the 2 super-hot, babe-o-licious new virgins that were displayed for our viewing pleasure. Just Kelly and Just Becky were poked and prodded, but when asked who made them cum, neither was able to finger the hashers responsible for their impending corruption and defilement. We finally determined that they were brought by Two Lips on a Dyke and Tez’s Smirnoff Smirk, respectively, neither of whom wanted their boyfriends to know they were “playing for the other team.”

The visitors introduced themselves and most had actually journeyed even further than us locals to this remote location, with the exception of the three wild and rambunctious Baltimore Annapolis folks that made a short trek down I-95 to grace us with their presence.

After Holytit! led us in a brief but effective version of Father Abe, the hares explained today’s trail. Even EatAPuss was concerned that run-til-you-die Holy Tit! was a hare. However, co-hares Dairy Queen, Delaware Queen, and Jag Queen should have easily tempered HT’s century legs. They pointed us around the metro and we were off! Have Dick Will Travel noticed lots of grassy areas, trees, and shiggy to the right and figured the trail had to go that way, but the road curved to the left and us half-brained followed it. Just Steve and Duckjob took a dirt road up a hill because, surely, the trail must enter the shiggy somewhere. Nope. To no avail. Perhaps, those two were going off to sword fight, exclaimed Puss and Boots.

We continued down an ass-fault road and, ironically, us hashers were yearning for the shiggy. We didn’t come all the way out to PG County for nothin’. We passed the entrance to the metro and continued running. Noting that the road we were running down led to a bunch of car dealerships and strip malls, Snatch Key Kid said, “Well, maybe we will get some window shopping done.” Back Snatch suggested the alleys between the strip malls could be used for something else that also invovles stripping, and I don’t think he was talking about refinishing furniture…

Those of us in the back of the pack came to a check where all the FRB’s had followed trail straight. Jag Queen however informed us that there were 2 true trails from this check and that true trail left was half a mile shorter than true trail straight. Guess which way we went?

At the beer stop, everyone quickly filled up on beer and other beverages and began milling about. Those participating on the walker trail also arrived in a timely manner, including Raise My Titanic, Fag, Spinal Tap, Hasher Humper, and WDFK. After a few malty ones, Jag Queen prematurely announced ON-ON well before folks were ready to go. Moreover, a Beer Bitch has not been announced and he ended up having to call all eager hashers back, including Eat-A-Puss, Short Bus Bitch, and For Sale or Rent.

We named Just George to be the Beer Bitch, which pleased many-a-ho in the crowd. Sloppy Ho and her twin H2Ho debated the best way to seduce this young virile specimen. Sloppy Ho said since she was the original Ho she got first dibs, but H2Ho argued she was the wettest Ho and since she was already ready to go, she should get to break in the new meat. I believe this is when Just Katherine mentioned something about not being able to climax under certain conditions, but I’ll leave that for someone else to investigate.

The beer stop was over much too quickly. The pack continued to run through the nice neighborhoods of PG County, still somewhat disenchanted with the hares, especially Holy Tit! who apparently could not find trails, woods, PI, or any other obstacles to run us half-minds through. Then, at long last, we came to the promised TIT/QUEEN split and spied (GASP!) woods and shiggy! Hashers were already bush-whacking around a pond and into the wilderness. Bolo Head Rat was visibly drooling at this prospect, but HolyTit! appeared and shattered our one last hope for shiggy. He told us we had to turn around because the trail was set to cut through private property, but the hares did not have permission from the owner. Instead, Tit led us to the end where we glutted ourselves on beer, junk food, and more beer. Number 2 was indulging his pyromaniacal tendencies by stoking up the grill, for the end of the trail was to serve as the on-in, the circle, and the on-on-on all in one. That was all nice and good, except that our cars were about 2 mi. away, according to Delaware Queen.

After a very lengthy social hour that consisted of beer drinking, late sign-in, Haberdasher sales, and car shuttles to the beginning, RMT and $50B circled up the half-minds who were already half-gone. I think that means they were now quarter-minds.

Had-A-Madam assisted the GM’s, realizing they could not run a circle if their life depended on it. He quickly jumped in as Song Meister. We all took a moment to ponder why KY Belly was once again absent. However, no one can complain when HAM enters the circle. He can captivate an audience very easily. RMT can too, with her tits, but that is like comparing apples to oranges, or perhaps melons…luscious, ripe melons.

We first saluted Just George and said a prayer that he would perform much better than the last two Beer Bitches. (Man, did they suck.)

$50 Bitch introduced the virgins. They were:

Just Kelly (Two Lips on a Dyke)

Just Becky (Tez's Smirnoff Smirk)

Just Katherine (Sigourney Beaver)

Then, we recognized the Visitors. We had an eclectic, crazy bunch that had a great time in our fair city, even if it was PG County. The visitors were: Oscar (Mexico City), Shake 'n' Bake (Mexico City), Roto Root Her, Python, Chickless Boner, Woody (San Antonio), Private Dick, Sprocket Sucker and 3 wankers from Baltimore/Annapolis

It was getting so incredibly loud that this scribe could have missed one or two of them or garbled up a few names. It was obvious that the quarter-brains don’t know what hash respect is. I apologize in advance and blame Mighty Tite and Fag, (not because they did anything, just for the hell of it.)

Speaking of being loud. It was getting so loud (did I mention it was getting loud) that I noticed the mild-mannered Hash Ambassador Spinal Tap vociferously reprimanding a fellow hasher (couldn’t tell whom the dark, but it was obvioulsly a male working some harriette) for not being respectful of the circle rituals. He was more concerned with his own sexual rituals than what was going on in the circle and Spinal Tap pretty much told this hasher to put his dick back in his pants at least until the circle was over.

RMT then brought out the Long Time No Seers:

Everyone was happy to see Two Lips on a Dyke. Isn’t she a great hasher? She should cum more frequently, doncha think? Hare Dairy Queen also drank and when one hare drinks……they all do! Bull Chip was in town visiting, so we brought him out to do a soda down-down.

$50B managed to briefly get everyone’s attention for Anal-versaries. She kept everyone in suspense when the latest member to join the Major Get-A-Life club at 100 runs was…..(drum roll, please)….. Holy Tit!

RMT kept HT! in the circle, because not only does he not have anything better to do than to show his ugly face 100 times at the hash, but he was also stupid enough to travel all the way to California to run 100 miles straight…within 24 hours. Now that is f*cked up!

Tit Pit Crew Members Bull Shit, Duck Job, and $50 Bitch also drank, because they flew all the way out to the Sierra Nevada Mountains to follow Tit! around like deadheads and watch him run. Whassamattayou? Running’s not a spectator sport!

Violations, violations, violations. Enough violations to put a PG County jail cell to shame. Since I doubt if you heard any of them, here they are again: Ivy, Just Dave, Just Steve, H 2 Ho, 2 Lips in the Bush, 2 Lips on a Dyke, Tez’s Smirnoff Smirk, No Genitals, and Have Dick Will Travel.

Keen eyes and quick thinking foiled an attempted coverup of a Cinderella. Just Reesa (or is it Lisa?) had brand spanking new shoes for her second hash ever. Perhaps she didn’t know about the Cinderella requirement of drinking out of her shoe, but ignorance is no excuse. Compounding matters was that Pork & Cheese aided and abetted her in trying to muddy up her shoes to escape a smelly, foul tasting down down. We busted them both and Just Reesa/Lisa (sorry, the noise factor once again) was a good sport in doing the down down from her shoe, although she couldn’t quite choke it down. Fortunately, visitor Woody was there to help finish it off. We had another Cinderella, Short Bus Bitch, but when confronted in the circle, she had hidden her shoe. We offered up R/L’s other shoe, but SBB said there was no way she was drinking out of a shoe. Perhaps she should drink from the HashShit instead??? Stay tuned…

Next we had a very solemn occasion. We had a naming for Just George. He was a good beer bitch, and that is lucky for him because he is unemployed and may have to sling suds until he finds a more fruitful job. RMT has known him since college. The better suggestions were Slow Cummer, Little Dingy, Me Llama Hey Whore, Hoochy Mama, but eventually the circle decided on Hey HO, because it kind of has a nice ring to it.

Since we were on a roll, so to speak, we decided to name Just Stephanie as well. She is Short Bus’s new room mate and is a teacher, too. That was enough to get the circle rolling and Teacher’s Pet, Wheels on the Bus, Penis Butter, Hit & Run Room were considered, but EatAPuss, inspired by angst ridden adolesent memories, nominated After School Special, which everyone liked because the initials are ASS. So, henceforth and forevermore, Just Steph shall be known as After School Special.

Hash Shit :

After several long distance trips, the Hash Shit was happy to be home and glad to catch up on sleep. Jet lag sucks. As the quarter-brains had now disintegrated to the size of Dalmation brains, folks were looking for short nominations and awarding of the Hash Shit.

Short Bus Bitch was nominated for creating her own Eagle/TIT! split to get in more miles, not drinking from the new shoes she wore and being lame in general. Bad Dog was nominated for simply being Bad Dog. Trouser Snake attempted to make an official nomination. However, he prematurely ejactulated and could not complete his nomination. Therefore, the Hash Shit went to bumblin’ stumblin’ Trouser Snake.

On-On! Ducky & $50 Bitch