"In Beer we Trust"
July 30, 2001

Warning: This paper contains 30% recycled Bush trimmings.   May cause a contact rash on the tongue and a strange inability to artikalate yousef.   Alcohol intensifies this effect.
 

 
Hash # 783, The All Bush Hash
Start:  Glenmont Metro, MD
Hares:  AndHowsHerBush, 2LipsInTheBush, Bramble Bush,  Bad Bush,  Bavarian Bush, Beastie Bush, Mystery Hare: Jenna Jail-Bait Bush (AWOL)

Transmitted by AP telegraph wire in Morse code from your WH4 correspondent, drunk in Chicago…

We came trickling out of the Metro, strangers in a strange land of Maryland, dazed, confused and feeling sad over the loss of our beloved Spicy Tuna Roll.  PutsItOut reminded us that nothing in life is assured, but as hashers we strive to live our lives to the fullest each day.  And we tried to take some comfort in knowing Ellie loved the hash and the hash loved her.  PIO led us in a moment of silence.  Then we honored the virgins and visitors.

The assorted bush hares told us about the trail and the wide array of shooters available to deserving non-shortcutters. AndHowsHerBush led us in Father Abe and we soon found our way outside of the parking deck and tried to follow the trail into a vast housing complex.  It wasn't long before I started fielding a flurry of complaints and accusations.   U.S. Boobs whined that red bush was underrepresented in the all bush hash and demanded oral reparations for all red-bushed women.  She ranted on about some historical right to forty lickers and a ride on a hairy mule.   Speaking of red riding, Vominatrix let it slip out that she was "riding the cotton pony" but didn't have any place to carry her extra tampoon.  So YankMeOut was pressed into service as her cotton-carryin' mule.  There are some burdens a man should not have to endure.
The trail led us through a series of hills in the woods and confusing checks.  The slackers among us slowed to an uncertain crawl. Cyclops seemed unconcerned about the whereabouts of his betrothed, the lovely Latin Analyst, but he expressed great anxiety over the chances of missing the beer check.

We came up to an ambiguous split in the trail.  One way led into a trailer park.  Double Blow 7 and Evil Jesus thought there was a good chance that a bunch of trailer hos would take us on for a group rate.  On the other hand, the FRBs had taken the trail to the right.  We sent Big Dick No Brains to investigate the trailers with his ten inch probe.  He came back disappointed that it wasn't hos in a trailer park after all, just white trash sleazebags picking their teeth in front of houses with bad aluminum siding.  But the diversion paid off as we came back to true trail and cut off a nice chunk getting to the beer check before some of the FRBs.

At this point, I fielded complaints from Kumsoon and Meatloaf that the walker's trail was confusing to their virgin.  Meatloaf thought it might be getting too dark to find trail and that if they became stranded they would have to eat other hashers. U.S. Boobs said something about the sky being dark and being deep in the woods in unfamiliar territory.  I know I wasn't the only one who was confused, because I heard Jiffy Lube say, "Eat Me for Breakfast and take me deep into new regions."  But she said this to Mellow4skinCheese, JAGQueen and Microprick,which just confused me more.   Assorted runners straggled into the clearing, and off in the woods I heard Beastie Bush say to HadaMadam "just get in there and quit complaining."   Krafty confided that he was worried by signs of premature aging since he noticed wrinkles on his penis.  He claims to have been blessed with a constant boner in the past.  But I believe this was little more than a thinly disguised effort to get Shake and Bake to show him her tits.

Just Darren showed up at the beer check bleeding and thorny (or maybe he had a lisp).  But just as he was making progress on getting a little attention, $50 Bitch jumped in, telling a bunch of guys something about being dripping wet, worn out, and having a sore butt.  Buttsniffer, Bad Dog, Slipknot, WheredaFuckawe and others listened attentively.  I was about to point an accusing finger at Duck Job, but it turns out that $50B was just boasting about finishing second in a triathalon.

Not to be outdone, Vominatrix mentioned that she had finished first and set a record.  I thought that it was rather selfish to carry on about satisfying her sexual needs first and so quickly without regard to her partner, but she covered herself by saying she meant finishing first in a 50K race and setting the course record (including beer guzzling enroute).  In other racing violations, YankMeOut and Assfinder also were guilty of racing the 50K in violation of hashing standards.

Speaking of violations, Assfinder was wearing surfing jams that gave a pronounced cleavage to his butt cheeks.  And yet, he could not maintain a grasp of the scribe's pencil in his crack, suggesting his ass has been found a little too often.   Finally, PutsItOut was accused of hill training during the hash.  He claimed he was just emulating his hero, Lance Armstrong, pumping furiously up the big Alpenhorn and cumming out on top.

Additional deep cover scribe investigations revealed that Evil Jesus stopped at an adult video store on the way up to the hash.  He picked up the film "Puppy Pounders" from the discount bin and noticed it featured Wax On Whacks Off in a tiny role.  WOWO said his short-lived film career was part of a personal journey to find himself.  Fuck'em Danno confessed to having been to Nebraska recently.  I think it was for some seminar on Cornholing the Cornhusker way.

At some point during the beer check, PIO annointed Just Mike with the Beer Bitch duties and we sang the Do Re Mi Beer song, badly as usual. Barney's Bitch said something about recent aerial acrobatics and the mile high club.  Spinal Tap said he joined up in France with some froggy chick, HashCher HumpPere.  Eventually we resumed the trail, where several neighborhood kids tried to lead the pack into crack dens.  I think they lured Bad Dog in because he was way late coming into the circle where we gathered behind the abandoned Hechinger's.

Assorted violations and circle ceremonies:

Titanic convened the circle by forcing AndHowsHerBush to take the first squat on an ice- filled toilet that was conveniently at our disposal.  He was eventually replaced by Bad Dog who was recognized for 150 run Analversary.  Then Vominatrix took a turn on the hopper for her many violations.  She then ratted out your scribe MiteyTite for probing Assfinder's butt and being sarcastic.   NiceTits also did a tour of doody on the shitter for being a media slut.  WDFK had carried a newspaper article around for six months waiting to nail him.  The clip  quoted Nice Tits on the Ravens superbowl victory and showed him in a hat and getting a hand job at a bar, if I'm not mistaken.  The accusations continued at furious pace and quite loudly.  $50B had to go over and mollify about ten cops in five or six cars.  I'm not sure what she did but they zipped up, er I mean zipped out of there in no time.
 
Virgins & input from the Vagina/Penis Gallery:  Just…Mike, (Munch my bush), Scott (I'll show you true trail), Pam (I heard your Mom was great), Larry (I'll blow you in the bush), Kari (I'll show you the way to San Jose), Steve (A cock in the hand is worth 2 in the bush), Cari (I'll buy you a complimentary round), Fannie (Show us your fanny).

Visitors: Just Linda (Sierra Leone), Torpi (Kenya), Ammo (Seoul).

LongTimeNoSeers: Krafty, CelticClimax, Nice Tits, EatmeforBreakfast, Satan, JiffyLube, Hymen Dickover, TinkyWinky, Kumsoon, Turkeytrot, USBoobs.

Naming:  Just Rene Wildemuth, has hashed all over the world for 18 years and avoided a naming, but his time had cum due to a severe transgender violation.  He just did a triathalon and was announced as the winner of the women's race.  This produced several suggestions like Incocknito, A Pussy to Win, and Ivana Twat, but the mob ruled for Tootsie.
 
OnOn … MiteyTite