THE Hash of the new Millennium

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"In Beer we Trust"

August 14, 2000

Hares: Dangerously Close, Holy Tit

Location: Crossroads Shopping Center, Alexandria

As is customary, clouds gathered overhead as the White House H3 assembled in Alexandria for the weekly rain dance. Titanic and $50 Bitch registered the pack and collected money in partial shelter, having drilled all summer to dive for cover at the first drop of rain.

After missing about six straight hashes, I did not recognize most of pack; who the h*ll are these people? Finally I spotted the fashionable Goomba, sporting a t-shirt that must have been vacuum packed in shrink wrap to achieve such a level of wrinkles. At the opposite end of t-shirt smoothness is Jailhouse Cock, who on Mondays arrives at work with a WH4 neatly pressed and on a hanger. We were briefly graced by the presence of Ahab, founder of WH4, but he melted into the shadows before trail started.

There was a large contingent of OTH4 hashers present in honor of hare #1 Dangerously Close, who also hashes regularly with OTH4 - Fire In The Hole, Go(o) Go(o), Ass Ogre, and Gladiator. In honor of hare #2 Holy Tit, there were the usual FRBs, who were soon to be f*cked.

Eventually GM Perk-A-Set blew the circle - to order, that is - introduced the virgins, and led us in Father Abraham. Following the usual instructions from the hares, the pack sped south before making a quick right toward rush hour traffic on Leesburg Pike. And a BT. The quick about-face meant that Mellow Foreskin Cheese and Goomba were FRBs for at least ten seconds. The trail seemed to spiral around the shopping center parking lots, and soon the usual FRBs, led by Short Bus Bitch and Duck Job, were out of sight again, heading for Arlington. That was when Holy Tit gave we of the leisure pace our first 'hint' of the trail, sending us west.

Eventually those ubiquitous FRBs, this time led by Three Times A Lady and Harem Scarem, passed us and disappeared into a parking garage. HT hint #2: stay above ground. This was taking shape to be the shortest Holy Tit trail I had ever experienced. For Sale Or Rent picked up the trail just beyond the garage and took us in the directions of the walkers. Major Disappointment (who is known at other hashes as Major Gerbil Squeezer) followed voices and was not seen again for several days.

We went about an hour further before HT hint #3, which left Harddrive and me to take the leadership role, which was essentially to dawdle until we were back in position for HT hint #4: abandon the low ground. That hint was golden, and we were soon at the home of Spinal Tap and Hasher Humper, where brew crew Big Bird Turd, Ivy Licker, and Shitty Shitty Bang Bang with her malted cargo awaited us. DC and Black Box were just leaving with the walkers; at least half the runners were still out, so we got the good beer. We lingered long enough to laugh at muddy, sweaty FRBs as they crawled in.

The first check after the beer stop was a collecting point as we tried to decide whether to follow Diaper further into the burbs or Stool Sample towards strip malls of Alexandria. At least I think it was Diaper and Stool Sample, by now sunset was history and visibility was low. I was running along with Harddrive, who was wearing sunglasses so was no help at all.

Due to a paucity of flour, we soon lost trail yet again. After cheering for Just Chris as he defended himself against a pack of wild dogs, we followed Drive Thru on the opposite side of a chain link fence along what would have been a good trail. A string of barbed wire jutted out from the top of the fence, adding a degree of difficulty for Mitey Tite and other tall members of the pack.

We were among the first to arrive at SSBB, beating even the bag car. As the pack began to wander in, Duck Job was searching for 'Bitch', he hadn't seen her since the woods. Woods? "Yeah, just before the creek." Creek? Did we run the same trail?

Beer snots Hops and Jag Queen fetched a brew for me and compared the circle beer unfavorably to the beer stop beer, which was "fruitier, had more body."

Circle was postponed until sufficiently dark that we could not see what we were eating or drinking or who was touching whom. With only the neon light of an adult bookstore illuminating the parking lot, hashers circled as DC and HT were toasted for their trail.

Surviving virgins and who made them cum:

Tim Welter - Flying Semen

Paul Welter - Flying Semen

Mark Scheer - Flying Semen (a busy man)

Tayla Vickers - Just Chris

April Meyers - Just Chris

Mickey Cho - his wife

Visitors:

Blooper - Bahrain

Clerk Jerk - Memphis

Just Bob - Dewey Beach

Flying Semen - Bel Scot

Free Willie - somewhere in Tennessee, but not Memphis

And, of course, the hashers from OTH4.

At long last the missing hashers - Fag, $50 Bitch, KMITBASMACS, Microsoft, Dances With Dildos, and Some Virgin - triumphantly jogged into the parking lot, relieved that they had missed the brawl between Big Bird Turd and a visitor. (Apparently BBT, the Imelda Marcos of hashing, had his eyes on the visitor's shorts, and wanted to add them to his own massive hashing wardrobe against the wishes of said visitor.)

Long-time-no-seers:

Hawaiin Puke; Ty-D-Bowl; Drinks On Me, Bud; Mammorex; No Genitals

Violations:

Hawaiin Puke - nattily dressed in his uniform; Put It Out - failing to update the WH4 hotline early enough to satisfy the more anal members of the kennel; and Fag, $50 Bitch, Microsoft, KMITBASMACS, Dances With Dildos, and The Virgin for having sex on trail when it was too dark for us to watch.

Finally, Snatch Shot had to give up the hashit to BBT for his overly-aggressive pantsing of our visitor.

That's enough for now.

Announcements:

OTH4 is celebrating their 1000th hash September 22 - 24, cost is $69. Rego is on the web OR see Dangerously Close.

The 7th annual DC Area Red Dress Hash will be Saturday, October 7. Cost until September 2nd is $35, then goes up to $40. Rego is on the web, OR see Black Box.

Virginia Interhash 2000 will be held November 10 - 12. No cost (cheap!) or rego yet, put it on your calendar anyway.