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Hash No. 788 -- Merrifield, VA

Hares: Great Balls of Fire, Bite Me Elmo, Saddle Up and Lucy (wiener hound)

This will be an abbreviated trash as your scribe abdicated his duties on Labor Day. Snatchshot and Big Dick No Brains filled in ably, poor penmanship notwithstanding. But I must report that Big Dick abused his scribely powers by repeatedly asking certain incredibly naive or brainlessly compliant blond virgins (sponsored by Virgin Avec Mary) to show him their tits or else he would write nasty things about them.

I guess Just Jen and Just Tara didn't know that the scribes fabricate nasty sexual indiscretions and acts of stupidity and attribute them to the perfectly innocent all the time (except for the weekly Twatsuuuppp! report, which is completely true).

Anyway, I'm not complaining, I haven't had that many tits poking me in the eye outside of Poodle Fucked's hot tub in a Poon's age. And if the blonde virgins thought the customary form of introduction in the hash is to pop a nipple in the mouth of a new acquaintance, who am I to question this friendly gesture. It's kind of like giving an apple to the teacher (anyone want to try this on Short Bus?).

Now that I think about it, this can all be explained by VAM's training and influence over her volleyballin' virgins. Even Can't Remember a Fuckin' Thing, Y'all (Crafty) would probably remember that VAM also likes to have her luscious tatas suckled in very public settings. Unfortunately, this remarkable display of hooterage is lost to history as Celtic Climax failed to capture it on film and Dumb and Dumber just stood there drooling. They were also dressed identically. I guess they didn't have time to change out of their psuedo-gay, bondage outfits before the hash.

Well here's a bit of what I was able to decipher from the chicken scratchings left in my possession. We circled up under the guidance of KY Belly who was stuck with all of the ceremonial duties as $50Bitch and PIO were wallowing in the P.I. and mud at Interhash in Austin, while Raise My Titanic was roasting her supple form and basting her salty nipples at the beach.

The hares explained the trail, but we were distracted by Saddle Up's wiener hound, who insisted upon spreading her legs for attention and fondling in the middle of the circle. Isn't one Pay Per View in the hash enough?

So we hit the trail, and since I wasn't writing anything down, I have no recollection of it whatsoever, except that in assuming my customary position in the rear of the pack, I was barely able to keep up with the recently pregnant Das Beaver who scrambled up hills while I panted behind her. Bite Me Elmo taunted me and threatened a spanking for slacking. Hearing this, Number Two slowed down to get his share of punishment.

Checking the various scribbled violations, I see Just Steve pissed into a bush and misfired some golden liquid into his beer cup (a very efficient method of recycling beer). Pussy with a Porpoise solicited sexual services (something about how she likes working on big missiles and taking them to the launch stage). Bolo was unfairly accused of running out of gas with 10 hashers riding him. First of all, it happened at another hash, and what other guy can do 10 hashers before running out of gas.

I also have a report that Just Michelle took a booty call on trail. I'm not sure what that means, so I called on Poodle to give expert testimony. According to the hairy and devout Iranian Shiite Poodle, Just Michelle engages in behavior at the hash unbefitting a pious servant of the Lord. For her, running is a highly sexual activity. She prances about in very tight shorts reminiscent of a camel, and flicks her mane back in a teasing gesture. She really got off (easy) later at her naming.

Joy Stick (Zambia)

Just Erik (Great Falls)

Periodical (West London)

Sunburn (Zambia)

Hummingbird (Zambia)

Brendan - Sticky Pages

Jen - VAM

Tara - VAM

Kerrey - Just Joyce

Roger - Joystick

Cyanne - Asshopper & Worldwide

Tifanny - Fanny

Austin - Whore Moans

Analversary - Goomba for 100 Runs.

Just Steve

Well I guess it had to happen sometime. The assembled hashers were particularly brainless and hung over. Despite some perfectly good suggestions for this insurance adjuster like GEICUM, Rooney, You're an Asshole (A Ferris Bueller reference), and Cock Adjuster, the usual idiots preferred to bestow Just Steve Reiche with perennial favorite: Cum sucking road whore. (Oh well, I guess that's better than Sperm Guzzler).

Just Mike Borger has had some difficulty finding and laying trail and a lot of experience playing hockey or playing in the locker room. There was support for BootCampButtFucker and Lost in the Bush, but we settled on Can't Lay Shit.

Apparently several witnesses who were prepared to testify against Just Michelle were silenced under suspicious circumstances. A few suggestions came from the crowd such as Camel Toe, Missed My Tits, Death Cums Twice, and Fredericks of Hollywood. But Shellacking the Bishop stepped forward to tell the tale of red dress past, where Just Michelle ended the night by disappearing with a random guy for two solid days. The guy must be an all-day sucker (buts that's another story). Although she claims it wasn't all that we imagine, her name and reputation is 2DayLay.

Hashit: Vominatrix handed it over (in virtual form) to the amazing Assfinder, who almost managed to puke 36 ounces of beer and chips into a 12 ounce beer can at the beach.

On In..... MiteyTite (and thanks to BDNB and SnatchShot)