THE Hash of the new Millennium

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"In Beer we Trust"

September 17, 2000
 

Warning: This paper contains 30% recycled medical waste. Machine wash warm, tumble dry low. May cause drowsiness. Alcohol intensifies this effect.

Hash #730

Location: GWU

Hares: $50 Bitch, Missed Erections, 2 Lips On A Dyke, Holy Tit

The hareline specified "Mystery Hare", which usually means "whatever schlep we can coax into the job". For the first Sunday afternoon hash of the season, it meant the wily Holy Tit, banned from haring for the next two administrations, had slipped past the hareraiser. I should have brought field rations; signs pointed to a long afternoon. But, in the words of the immortal Black Box, "What else are you going to do on a Sunday afternoon?"

Perk-A-Set announced her arrival by loudly dragging her shroud through Georgetown and onto the GWU campus. Gentleman that he is, Full Metal Balls spread out a blanket, crawled under her hood, gently removed her shroud and heaved it into his truck as a trophy. PAS still had enough energy remaining to lead chalk talk for the virgins and visitors, introduce large crop of virgins in the circle, and lead Father Abraham. What a woman!

Hare $50 Bitch distributed disposable cameras and explained that there were vista checks where photos of hashers amid the scenic glory of the Potomac were to be taken, and that we were not to return until all film had been exposed. With HT as a hare, we would be lucky to return before the film reached its expiration date. $50 Bitch's own bitch, Duck Job, must have received inside information re the trail, as he was sporting a fanny pack laden with bottles of Gatorade and packs of Goo. Armed with the information that there were three trails - walkers, turkeys, and (gulp) eagles, we departed.

Trail led down to the main drag and right, towards HT's birthplace - Canada. I stopped at an Exxon station to shop for refreshment while Kiel Bastard powdered his nose. While waiting for KB, Pat McGroin, a sometime WH4 hasher, stopped for a fill-up, excusing himself from appearing all summer due to a pulled groin muscle. Ewww!

Business completed, KB claimed to have a short cut, so he immediately attracted a number of followers. He led Virgin With Mary, Tastes Like Turkey, Just Pam, Steers & Queers, KY Belly (whose dog, Griffin, was sporting a bandana that read "my daddy is single") and me on an interesting tour of back streets that led us past one school twice, over a stone wall, up a sheer wall of rock, directly to flour. We spotted pedestrians and determined them to be hashers when we recognized Trouser Snake, who was distinctly dressed in an outfit that screamed "I wasn't beaten up enough as a kid".

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang jumped out at a clearing, and we were treated by brew crew Mr. Softie and Ivy Licker to our favorite golden beverage. Soccer parents leaving a nearby game indulged our requests to take our photograph with a vista of SSBB.

Trail leaving the beer stop was unclear, but we eventually found flour by continuing in the direction of Canada. We met Full Metal Balls running toward us, the wrong direction, looking for the beer stop. Advised that only a full sprint would enable him to catch SSBB before its departure, FMB ran like a man possessed.

We wound around dirt paths leading back down to the river, the FRBs nothing but teeny weenie spots in the great distance. The next refreshment we enjoyed was an aperitif called 'swamp water', which looked a lot like what was in the canal at the current vista.

Speaking of the canal, the remainder of the trail was entirely between the canal and the river, with no opportunity to cross on dry land. After several miles of that, Put It Out abandoned all hope and swam the canal. I spoke to him just before this printing, he said the festering boils are drying up and the green scaly patches don't itch as much.

I would like to thank Dead Snatch for pointing out the nasty dead squirrel that had been thoughtfully floured by the hares.

As the sun set, PAS and Spinal Tap started the circle festivities, beginning with hares $50 Bitch, Missed Erections, 2 Lips On A Dyke , and Holy Tit. $50 forgot her hash manners and drank with her cap on, resulting in a second down-down for all hares. Sometime during the second down-down, virgin Just Rick slipped into the circle and spirited away my bag of Chex Mix, the bastard!

Virgins and who made them cum:

Karen - $50 Bitch - Cut Rate

Pam - KY Belly - Smooth Goin' In

Megan - Dumb & Dumber - How Did You Get This Far

Brian - Crabs - Crotch Itches

Kiko - Just Yuko - Sweet & Sour Pork

Rob - Just Phil - Hare On Your Hands

Katie - no one - Hello Get Together With Him (see above)

Mark - Twilight Zone - Elvira

Cheryl - no one - Get A Vibrator

Rick - himself - Circle Jerk

Richard - no one - Big Dick (get it? Richard - Big Dick... ?)

Adam - $50 Bitch - Yeah, Backwash Sometimes

Christina - 2 Lips On A Dyke - That Is So Obvious

Visitors:

Twilight Zone - Emerald Coast

Mastergator - San Antonio

Tastes Like Shit - Atlanta

We had a special farewell down-down for the soon departing Bark-a-Dildo, Watch It Jiggle, and West Virginia Woodie, who have been regulars at the WH4, or at least WH4 happy hours, and will be missed.

Anniversaries: KY Belly - 50; Duck Job - 75; and Put It Out, who is still drinking for his 100th because the haberdashers don't have his centennial gift yet (hint to habs: my 100th is due to fall around Halloween, that's L-A-T-E-C-U-M-M-E-R).

When you have a 2-hour trail, expect two hours worth of violations: Full Metal Balls - applying deodorant after the hash (which, in my book, is not a violation!); Big Bang - backtracked to a check when he mistook whistles at a soccer field for pack whistles; Dick In The Headlights - traffic violation; Trouser Snake - fashion statement; Just Adam - ate Duck Job's goo on trail; Holy Tit - intentionally leading the runners in the opposite direction of the trail, and when one hare drinks, all hares drink, when one Tit drinks, all Tits drink, when one Bitch drinks, all Bitches drink, and that pretty much covered the whole pack.

The hashit was either absent or still on trail, and there were no namings, so the stage was set for Perk-A-Set to bring a bunch of the harriettes to the center to teach the White House Hash how real women perform Swing Low.

And so it went for another week.
 

Announcements:

> If you aren't aware that the 7th Annual Red Dress Hash is Sunday, October 7th, you lead a truly sheltered life. The cost is $40 until September 23rd, when it goes up to $45. For a registration form, go to http://www.dchashing.org/mvh3/dcreddress/rdr.html.

> Virginia Interhash is cumming, November 10 - 12. Barney's Bitch and Ivy Licker are in charge of beer for the weekend's activities, so you know it's going to be the happenin' place that weekend! Get more information at http://homepages.go.com/~sngmstr/VAIH7.html