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"In Beer We Trust"
October 21, 2001
Warning: This paper contains 30 per cent recycled Charmin. May cause inappropriate wiping and rubbing of sensitive areas in public. Alcohol intensifies this effect.
WH4 # 796: Beer Witch III: Bloody Little Stump Episode
Start: Greenbelt, MD
Hares: DickIsFine, Fag, KYBelly, RockyWhore, Just Kerri - the Mystery Hare
You can call me Al Jazeera, Al Qaeda, or Al Coholic, but just don't call the third annual Beer Witch Hash a lame, wimpy, poofter trail. There was so much blood flowing, it looked like OJ was haring.
It must be noted however, that the hares advertised that there would be lots of Shaggy on the trail. Excuse me, but isn't Shaggy some hip hop dude? Let's get our terminology straight. The trail was shiggy, but Shaggy was nowhere to be found unless he was hanging with Mother's Lay.
By and by, the grand mattress $50 Bitch conducted opening ceremonies and Beer Slut was drafted to do Father Abraham. The hares explained that flour was now a forbidden substance. We were to look for random droppings of toilet paper and surveyor's tape as trail marks and checks. On top of that, if someone found a hokey supernatural wood thingie, then that lucky hasher would get a lousy Budweiser. With that exciting prospect waiting, we were sent off into the woods with bland assurances that we wouldn't miss the presence of good old flour at all.
Well, it wasn't long before Twatsuuuppp!Ò and Sloppy Ho were found off trail in a completely intertwined position, moaning loudly. It looked like a scene from "Crouching Tiger Lesbos, Hidden Dildos," a film I rented by mistake. But it turned out they were just caught in the clutches of the briars and underbush.
Meanwhile, the FRBs were off to the races. Some of them had figured out that sticking to the beaten path would short-cut the briar patches and swamps. Vominatrix and Missed Erections are suspected of using leaked trail security information to emerge from the bush completely unscathed.
I lost touch with most of the pack until I found Well-Drilled slithering through the bog and assorted trail hazards. She had just completed a marathon and I noted how her formerly shapely legs were now reduced to two bloody stumps of raw meat. That didn't stop her though. When she smells true trail, she chugs ahead like Bad Dog following a sack of bacon. Sure enough, she found toilet paper hanging in the creek and hopped right into the teeming cesspool.
A word about toilet paper as a trail marking. I don't know, but there was something alarming about seeing TP slung all over trees at face level. How do we know for sure that No. 2 didn't just grind out a log and fling his butt wipes all over the woods? Probably because he wasn't there, but I don't trust FAG either.
Jesus' Bitch ignored the Hares' advice about no strollers. Apparently, he preps his kid with a speedball of Dramamine and Butane (see Evil Jesus for the recipe) and tells him that slogging into toxic waste dumps and weaving though highway traffic is just like going to Disney World, only better. Anyway, I followed Jesus' Bitch to a huge mound, which rose into the air above the landscape like a giant tit. HolyTit, I Do Testicles, and #69 reasoned that all hares are attracted to giant tit-like mounds, so they just shortcut all the shiggy in the woods and went directly to the giant mound which eventually led to beer.
ShakeNBake and Just Mary Brett (no hyphen, or hymen, for that matter) complained that the trail was hard to follow. They were last observed panting or possibly depantsing in the dark reaches of the forest. But, mysteriously, they managed to find Beer Stops 1 and 2 ahead of most of the pack.
Semen on the Pew and his virgin kept running in circles, shouting on-on like a deranged Croatian soccer team. This really annoyed a bird-watcher on a nature hike who kept crossing over their path. So they trampled him.
Towards the end of the trail, we came out the woods into a police sub-station. I found HolyTit with a cop. At any moment, I expected HT to be flung across a squad car for a little object lesson in anal intrusion. But the cop turned out to be just Brian, a hasher. No word on whether the anal intrusion took place.
At the end of the trail, Twatsuuuppp!Ò displayed a huge bloody gash on her supple body (no, not that gash, you perverts). She lamented that she won't be able to wear a skirt for weeks. Now if only she wouldn't wear a shirt for weeks.
Mo'Lay emerged from woods impeccably clad in his usual Armani suit and Burberry overcoat. Speaking in finely mannered tones, Mo'Lay offered his assessment of the run, "I must say chaps, that trail was a most remarkable spot of bother. Cuppa tea anyone?
In other news from the homefront, Mrs. Gary Condit announced she was 100 per cent behind the Congressman's re-election. PoodleFucked announced he was 100 per cent sure he would like to be in Short Buses' behind with an erection. Speaking of erections, BigDickNoBrains brought a male virgin to the hash this week after apparently striking out with last week's female virgin. Try as we might, it's difficult to forget BDNB slathering that unknown red-headed virgin with a tongue that resembled a rented carpet steamer on a rampage.
The Circle
Prizes: For finding weird supernatural shit on trail, WOWO, $50Bitch, Shake N Bake, DuckJob, Backsnatch, and Albatross were awarded cool skull mugs or skeleton trinkets.
Violations: Holy Tit for swapping spit and tongue with Saddle Up's wiener hound, lick for lick. Ivy Licker for not licking the wiener hound. Well Drilled, Vominatrix, and CumScout for r*cing the Baltimore Marathon.
Duck Job had several secret violations that cannot be revealed for security reasons. Suffice it to say that one of his offenses involved clandestine plans to recruit virgins for a harem located in a secure bunker in his basement. They are to provide Islamic services when his Bitch is out of town.
FAG was outed for bringing a cute virgin Kerri (spelling unknown) to the hash. She claimed to be a fag hag. But could it be that FAG has gone hetero in a jealous rage due to the hetero dalliance of his former boytoy KYBelly, who is now "out" with Knee Me in the Balls and Sing Me a Cuntry Song?
Visitor
Woody San Antonio, TX
Virgins/(Sponsors)/Taunts
Jeremy (Road Whore) [vacant vagina gallery]
Kelly (HeyHo) "Justify the Shirt, Tits Out for the Boyz"
Brian (self cummer) "Show us your stripes"
Judd (BigDickNoBrains) "Wanna see our jugs?"
Mike (Semen on the Pew) "Show us your dick"
Kerri (FAG) "Show us your rainbow connection"
Analversaries
FAG and WOWO -- 69 Runs
Fossil -- awarded his 25th run mug
Beer Slut -- 100 Run Pewter Mug
Namings
Just Fanny and Just Priscilla
In a display sibling rivalry and domination rarely seen outside of the Jerry Springer show, and reminiscent of the Bette Davis film, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, these two harriettes competed for the trailer trash ho of the year award. Just Fanny needed a name, and her sister Pricilla was only too happy to oblige with stories of how Fanny only appears to be a sweet, innocent girl. But according to Sis, she tried to take on 10 guys at Dewey Beach, likes to switch teams, and is striving to do a man, a woman, and a horse at the same time. Sis Pris also alleged that Fanny would drop her top in her BMW sports car and go down at the drop of hat. This led to a number of suggested names like: Does It 10 Times, CreamHer in the Beemer, Lick It Up Rub It Down, But the grand winner was Closet Slut.
Then the tables turned as Just Priscilla got down on her knees. The usual interrogation revealed that Priscilla's favorite farm animal is a man hung like horse. Then there were accusations that she offered her little sister to men with large billfolds and did a cop in his patrol car to beat a ticket. Closet Slut jumped in with information that Priscilla was just waiting for the day when her lame husband left town so that she could get in touch with her bisexual side, her vibrating appliances, and also get busy with a few boyfriends. In fact, Closet Slut revealed that Priscilla recently went on a date with two guys at the same time. At some point, she pulled off oral-genital gymnastics simultaneously with both. This led to a number of suggestions such as Pimpin' the Sister, Cums with Batteries, Spare in the Rear, Pig Fucker, and Squeals Like a Pig, but the winner was Takes a Lickin' and Keeps on Prickin'.
On-In, MiteyTite