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"In Beer We Trust"

November 4, 2001

Warning: This paper contains 30 per cent truth. May cause spiteful recrimination.

Alcohol intensifies this effect.

WH4 # 799

Start: Mason Recreation Center near the Vice Presidential Mansion and Naval Observatory
Hares: ButtPlug, Tootsie, Well-Drilled

What a lovely day it was to gather just outside the Naval Observatory. In fact, it was so nice outside that Turkey Timer broke out in song:

The sun is up, the sky is blue,

it's beautiful, and so are you,

dear Hasher, won't you come out to play.

Off in the enclosed dog run, hash house hounds Maisy, Danno, and Lucy bounded through the scattered turds to their hearts content, tormenting a beleaguered basset hound.

Watergate made a triumphant return to her post as Hash Cash, collecting money and dealing out abuse for wrinkled, gnarley bills. DeadSnatch reported a tingling in her snatch, a sure sign of continued Indian summer. HolyTit and TwoLipintheBush denied that they had been promiscuously stretching. I explained to Virgin Julie that stretching must be done covertly, and that there was little doubt that Tit and TwoLips had stretched each other out before the hash with some massage oil and soft music.

John HandCock showed up in a new Jag convertible. Someone reported that Have Dick Will Travel showed up late with a new Maxima that he squeezed out of Assfinder. It occurred to me that a Maxima was one of those oversize condoms, and I didn't want to think about one squeezing into or out of Assfinder. But Harem Scarem said that HDWT didn't need a jumbo size and anyway, a Maximas are imported cars that Assfinder hot wires and sells all over the east coast. Glad that's straightened out.

As you may have guessed from this trash, there was no discernable theme to this hash. Some said we were supposed to look for Dick Cheney on trail, who has been misplaced by the Secret Service. No. 2 thought he saw the Veep snarfing down free cheese samples in the Fresh Fields store around the corner. Then in a fit of unrequited lust, he suddenly accused TipHerWhipHer of faking her leg injury for sexual favors. "All you really need is a good spanking, you peg-legged, liberal ADA slacker" El Segundo taunted. TipHer hobbled off after him, her once cute face now transfigured in a murderous rage, as she threatened to punch No. 2 in the chads with her crutch. El Dose said he had something in his shorts she could pound. Finally, Short Bus was forced to intervene, explaining how special needs kids like TipHer just need an extra helping of piece, love and understanding.

Anyway, as I recall, PIO eventually brought the preliminaries to a close with the WH4 Anthem and we set off into the wilds of Glover Park. After wandering around there alarming residents, we ducked into the woods. This was another chalk and tape hash, but no one really missed the flour as the woodsy trail was well marked. The pack surfaced to street level and then galloped off into the woods again until we came upon the beer check somewhere near American University. I decided to interview some virgins and no-namers to get a newcomers perspective. Right away Virgin Lynette was busted for talking on her cell phone to "snookums." I couldn't help but overhear her say, "of course I'm thinking of you while I'm running and drinking, silly," as she winked at Hymenator and touched herself below.

Then I found Just Eric entering data into a Palm Pilot he had just found on trail. They are very useful tools and even have predictive powers. Looking over his shoulder, his new schedule read something like this:

6 p.m. - Drink more than 4 bucks worth of beer at on-in and ogle cute hashers.

7 p.m. - Slosh down cheap beer, refried beans & burritos at Austin Grill ononon. Try not to strike out with cute hashers.

8 p.m. - Buy overpriced beers at Good Guys while drooling over tits and ass. Use dollar bills to achieve rapport with strippers. Try to show my sensitive side.

9 p.m. - Go home, alone, defeated, flatulent, with flaccid cock in hand.

Next I turned to visitor Boots, newly arrived on the DC scene from Moscow. This bubbly Russian translator quickly launched into a exposition of her gymnastic abilities. It was confirmed that she can and will perform the splits on demand in the presence of a long wooden beam. I also interviewed Just Jessica fresh in from the farm up in the Poconos. She confided in me that when she is not engaging in "government relations" she enjoys watersports and paddling.

Just as I was about pursue questioning along this line with statuesque blonde Just Shawn, I was distracted by visitor Menage a Twat from Boston. Apparently it's so damn cold 8 months a year up there, three-ways are considered a routine warming procedure. Menage could not decide whether her name came from 3 two-ways or 2 three-ways. We decided the latter made more sense as she hungrily cast her eyes about for her next set of victims. I suggested FAG and PoodleFucker if she could tear them away from their usual camels and schoolboys.

SnatchKeyKid protested that two females could do just as well in a three-way fling. And then I remember how she has flashed her bountiful bosom to $50Bitch during a triathlon. I suspected a Menage a Duck awaited when $50 returns from her Ironman torture event in Florida. Eventually we were forced to go back in the woods to the trail, even though there was more beer at the beer check. We came quickly... back to the start.

Several violations were noted in the circle. Just Mary Brett tried to burn down her new apartment. Rumors of some sort of weird sex ritual have arson investigators working some hard overtime. No. 2 had to drink for auto-hashing even though he never left the parking lot. Just Carol showed up so late that she went shopping instead of running. FAG was denounced for kicking the adorable, innocent Just Lauren out of his filthy basement just so his Mom would not suspect him of hetero tendencies. Lizzie Bear Necrofeelmyass had an unspecified violation (probably related to her ample bosom). Backsnatch and HarePie (along with Dumb & Dumber and Celtic Climax) were guilty of doing the EuroMarathon in Ireland?

Visitors

KY Jello - East Bay Hash

ShitEatinGrin - San Francisco Hash

Boots - Armenia

Just Janie - Fayetteville, AK

Menage a Twat - Boston, MA

Virgins/(Sponsors)/Taunts

Joe (Hymenator) show us your woodie

Julie (Saddle Up) mount me, show us your tits

Lynnette (Just Jim) Does the Carpet match the drapes?

Hashit

The Hashit was rescued from the VA Interhash by Semen on the Pew and TipHerWhipHer. It had been purloined by Yanky Crank. Two Lips in the Bush was NOT awarded the trophy even though he whines constantly. FAG received the award for cruelly casting out sweet, impressionable Just Lauren from his basement and selling her into a life of indentured servitude and worse at Che' PoodleFucker.

ON ON, MiteyTite