WH4 Run #800
Where: Eastern Market Metro Stop

Hares: PutItOut, Wax On Whacks Off, and Fag

FINALLY, at long last, the event we’d all been waiting for!!!! On PutItOut’s advice, I got to the hash start at Eastern Market as early as hasherly possible so that I wouldn’t miss out on any of the cool giveaways. A sizable crowd of wankers was already amassing,

a-drinking, and a-hitting on harriettes, so I checked in with the Hash Cash, WoWo, to see what the freebie goodies were. After informing me that $50 Bitch had already checked me in, he gave me the official, piss-yellow, multi-note, WH4 800^th run whistle. They were also giving away a limited number of 800^th run T-shirts, but to get one, you had to have an 8 as one of the digits in your total hash count. So I hightailed it on over to Doggie Style, a visitor from jHavelina H3 (it’s in Tucson, AZ) who was filling in as Haberdasher, peddling the few remaining commemorative shirts. Damn, they went fast! (If you didn’t get one, keep bugging PIO for a reprinting.)

Everyone was mingling about. One couldn’t help but notice that people were pretty spiffed up for the occasion. Hawaiian Puke was wearing his tackiest flowery shirt, Almond Joy was wearing an ugly, red and black, spiky dinosaur tail hat (symbolizing what a horny bastard he is), Diaper’s head was shaved smoother than a Test Tube Baby’s bottom, and Number 2 was wearing a tight white T-shirt that was worn so thin it was see through – the ladies could barely contain themselves!

As I was in line to fill up my water bottle (with beer), I overheard TipHerWhipHer saying, “…it was four in the morning and she kept licking me and trying to get under the covers…. I had to kick her out of the room, but she kept scratching on the door….” Sounds like someone’s having pussy problems!

At 3:30 p.m. on the dot, PutItOut circled us up and cried, “WELLCUM TO THE 800^th RUNNING OF THE WHITE HOUSE HASH HOUSE HARRIERS!!!!!”

First, we summoned the virgins into the circle to be sacrificed to the hash. There were quite a few of them, too. Little did they know that they were in for a special treat… Loubottomy, the composer of the WH4 Anthem, was on hand to serenade them personally.

Next the Designated Old Guys (DOGs) were brought out for an old DOG reunion. These guys have seen it all, done it all, but can't remember most of it. They are so old that when they did their first hash, the trail marks were hieroglyphics. But they all have really cool hash names, like Long Dong Silver, Bobby Longhare (who is so old he once hashed with Jesus), Shooting Blanks, Harvey Wallbanger, Captain Titanic, Ahab, Garfield, Loubottomy, Watergate, Cyclops, Latin Analyst, Contempt, because they started hashing before all the good names were taken. It was a veritable WH4 history museum, with Latecummer and Bavarian Bush wearing matching WH4 250^th run shorts, Loubottomy wearing a WH4 150^th run T-shirt, some guy with 10 year old Etonic running shoes and lots of other relics from the past. We took a picture of the DOGs as quickly as possible, because there’s no telling when one of those old farts will kick the bucket.

Anyway, one of them mentioned that there is actually a White House Cheer, which was news to most of us. Loubottomy did the cheer for us and it went a little something like this:

The White House Cheer

Cocksucker, Motherfucker,

Eat a bag of shit!

Cuntgrabber, Douchebag,

Bite your mother’s tit!

We’re the White House Hash,

All the others suck!

White House Hash,

Shit, Piss, Fuck!

That was definitely a bonus, but the real reason the DOGs were in the circle was to lead us in a quick warm up with Father Abraham, and an interesting rendition it was. I guess the old guys were to tired to shake their arms and legs, so they just kinda stuck out their left hip and then their right hip and leaned over and said, “ooh, ahh.”

And then we were On-On, weaving our way through the residential streets in Southeast DC. Shooting Blanks (former GM, RA, Hash Cash) led the back of the pack through the DC General parking lot, which was pretty much empty, indicating that the need for Cipro has subsided somewhat, although we were not, I repeat, not using flour on trail in order to avoid any potential Anthrax hysteria. The trail was marked with blue masking tape, which seemed to work pretty well, because it was visible for even an old DOG with failing vision like Cyclops, it stuck to pretty much anything, and it did not resemble anything remotely associated with biological warfare. Trail went through some woods, down to the train tracks next to the Anacostia River, where we stumbled upon beer check number one.

As we gulped down our favorite tasty malt beverage, all of the year’s former Beer Bitches that were present were summoned, so that we could pick the best male and female to fill the prestigious positions of co-beer bitch for the WH4 800^th run. For the women, there was Just Lauren, who did an awesome job pouring the suds at the MCM Hash, Just Carol fresh from last week, Closet Slut, who got so lickered up she couldn’t remember when she was beer bitch, and Screwed By A Minor who went to jail to serve beer for us. By popular vote, SBAM was voted best female beer bitch of the year. For the men, we had InHerFace, who pleaded with us not to vote for him, Hymenator, who continues to deflower fine virgins, Crouching Drag Queen Hidden Boner whose ass was bare for most of his tenure, Master Rebater who got lost, Cum Scout who did such a good job he is now on brew crew, and Hey Ho whose performance was tainted by a really shitty trail. The girls voted for Hidden Boner because they liked his bare ass.

Then we were on-on again, across the Anacostia on the railroad tracks. It was pretty obvious to experienced hashers like Happy Feets that we would have to come right back over the river on the John Phillips Sousa bridge (constructed 1938-1940), but for some reason we still followed the trail. On the Anacostia side of the river, we ran past the Ultimate Frisbee tournament in which Indiana Bones’ team was eliminated earlier in the day (thus allowing her to hash with us). Happy Feets, SirFuxAlot and I were DFL for the entire middle leg of the hash, despite unusually vigorous efforts to try and catch up with Roxy Operated Buddy.

As we dragged our asses into beer check #2, the WH4 Trivia contest was already in progress. PIO was standing on top of his pickup asking questions and giving out special prizes to the wankers with the right answer. The questions as near as I can reconstruct were (answers at the end)

1. At the 1999 WH4 X-mas party at the Forest Glen Ballroom, LazyMuthaFucka was the host. By the end of the night, with whom had he traded his army uniform for their clothes?

2. The WH4 400^th run began where?

a. Lafayette Park, b. Under Key Bridge, c. Arlington Gateway park, d. Union Station

3. What was the giveaway at the 500^th run?

a. Condoms, b. Ponchos, c. church keys, d. gloves

4. At WH4 Band Camp, who waltzed around a quiet, unassuming hasher by his willy in the circle?

5. The WH4 600^th run at McClean VFW was famous for:

a. most flashings, b. beer van catching fire, c. sex toy giveaway, d. dysentery inflicted on the pack

6. Where was the beer check on the WH4 700^th run?

a. Mr. Day’s Alley, b. Under Key Bridge, c. Embassy Row, d. Washington Marina

Worn out, I walked the last leg of the trail with Daisy Chain and Murray. (At least I didn’t auto hash, like Indy, Orange Ruffy and TipHerWhipHer.) True Trail went past the Marine Barracks, through some alleys and On-In was at an alley behind Remingtons.

The Circle:

In typical WH4 fashion, the cops arrived right as we were starting the circle. The cranky old hag who called them came out and bitched that the last time this happened, we were there until 11 p.m. and were running around naked. We figured we were taking the rap for the Every Day is Wednesday HHH, but that was probably even an exaggeration of their behavior. Try as they might, $50 Bitch and PIO were unable to buy us any time for the circle, so we sang Swing Low and went in peace.

But, here is what would have happened in the circle….

Virgins (and who made ‘em cum):

Just Andrew (Closet Slut),

Just Noah and Just Vi (Hymenator),

Just Kim and Just Alicia (Just Martina),

Just Ally and Just Chuck (Just Lynette),

Just Maren and Just Karen (Just Shawn),

and Just Anne (Spins Both Ways)

Visitors:

Doggy Style (jHavelina), Twig, and Just Liliana

Distinguished Old Guys (D.O.G.s):

Long Dong Silver, Bobby Longhare, Harvey Wallbanger, Shooting Blanks, Captain Titanic, Ahab, Garfield, Loubottomy, Watergate, Cyclops, Latin Analyst, Contempt, Latecummer, and Bavarian Bush

Long Time, No See’ers:

SirFucksALot, Gamey Cock and Golden Showers (who only came today because there new house is a block from Eastern Market), Daisy Chain and Murray, and Shithawk

Violations:

· Racing: $50 Bitch (Ironman Florida Triathlon), Doggie Style (JFK 50 Miler) and BackSnatch (Marathon in the Parks)

· Aiding and abetting a racer: ($50 Bitch) – HolyTit!, Snatch Key Kid, Fag, Just Carrie, Duckjob and Bullshit (in absentia)

· Environmental: Number 2, Captain Titanic, Beer Slut, and SirFucksALot (all for spilling their toxic waste into the Anacostia River)

· No Genitals for sticking her leg in a hole

· Hymen Dickover – because Bramble Bush had to beg him to cum

· Almond Joy – for spiky hat fashion statement

· PoodleFucked – for pimping Dan’s bitches

On-On, Ducky!

Answers: 1. Pussy Whipped, 2. d., 3. d., 4. Big Bird Turd, 5. d., 6. c