White House Hash House Harriers

For Directions and Information call 202-PUD-JAM0/202-232-HASH

Check us out on line: www.dchashing.org/wh4

"In Beer We Trust"

November 25, 2001

Warning: This paper contains 30 per cent recycled tape worms. May cause enormous unsatisfied appetites. Alcohol intensifies this effect.

WH4 # 801 Five Fingers of Death Hash

Start: Crystal City Water Park
Hares: Finger Pickin Good, CrouchingDrag QueenHiddenBoner, Caminito

Ok, so the theme of this trail was five fingers. We were soon to learn that all five fingers were up the hairy, stretched butts of the mo-ron hares.

First though, it was time to get reacquainted with some hashers who apparently have actual social and family lives that prevented them from achieving perfect attendance records. Among the MIA were Sloppy How, who found the missing Tequila Strap-on that she and Twatsssuuuppp!Ò developed after many nights of clinical research. Sloppy has been prowling the bars for sloppy kisses from random male species, but reports from the front (and what a front she has) are that she only got smooches from Twatsssuuuppp!Ò . Under questioning, Twatsie claims to have had no sexual incidents at all in recent months, but admits that she is suffering from unexplained black-outs, which could explain the unexplainable.

Cut back to the opening circle: PutItOut explained that Virgin Avec Mary would be subbing as songmeister. Right away there was trouble as she could barely croak out the WH4 Anthem. For a minute I thought she was going to have to go with the classic WH4 Cheer that was resurrected at the 800th, but we are still trying to remember the words. (See Appendicks).

PIO churned out Father Abe and then the hares only hinted at how bad the trail would suck. We charged up the street to a warehouse district to check for signs of hash. The fake hash this time was five different colors of tape. Just as saw our first of just a few glimpes of duct tape and masking tape, Evil Jesus and BigDickNoBrains stopped to pull out their peenies. Maybe they they were hoping someone would tape their winkies together so they could pee in two part harmony, but eventually they zipped up and resumed running.

The pack crawled over jersey barriers and highways until we hit the tidal pools of the Potomac, which forced the trail into several different directions: Turkey, Chicken and Duck more or less one way and Eagle and Super Eagle the other way, give or take a few miles. Most of the pack didn't realize the difference and made the fateful decision to head across the Fourteenth Street Bridge. Your humble scribe thought it best to not to risk his wobbly knees and took the chicken way out along with Celtic Climax and a few others. This didn't really seem to save much distance though as Finger Pickin chortled with evil delight. The tape hash ranged from scant to non-existent and checks were limited to a bunch of obscure bohemians in central Europe, but nothing resembling a breather.

After a long grueling run, Vominatrix, Missed Erections, Twig, SnatchkeyKid and Well Drilled mounted the last leg, a big hairy peak overlooking Pentagon City and the missing pie wedge of the Pentagon itself. This was the site of old Fort Albany. Meanwhile, MothersLay was busy picking up some sushi at the new Harris Teeter. Speaking of tuna and teeters, I saw Watergate trying to pick up a DOD cop. She took one look at the trail and shortcut it until reaching the Pentagon lot. Maybe she was confused by the signs: that's "Pentagon Parking," not "Porking," honeymuffin.

Eventually the entire pack scaled the mini-Everest to the beer check. I thought for sure that the runners would try to hatch some plots against the hares like death by thumbtack, or taping their nut hairs with the little bit of duck tape that could be found. But Have Dick Will Travel, Vibrator, Ich Liebe Dick, Microsoft, Diaper, Jag Queen, Pulls It Out, RearEndLoader, PussywithaPorpoise, Bad Bush and Target Practice were amazingly serene as they pulled in to the beer check. The only violence occurred as Mr. Softie brandished a hacksaw from the beer truck and threatened Horny Toad with female genital mutilation. And Evil Jesus attempting to mount and or insert a hub cap was also violently sickening.

Titanic checked in as the last of the stragglers wheezing up the hill, but surprise, Bad Dog was nowhere to be found. No one thought to send out a search party. Just Mike was appointed Beer Bitch, even though CrouchingDragQueenHiddenBoner left the lovely green apron at home. VAM led the singing of the Dough, Ray, Me beer song.

Then PoodleFucked cornered Vibrator and attempted to enlist her in the effort to rededicate WH4 as a Tits 'n Beer hash rather than a Finger Pickin, Crouchin Boner homo-marathon hash. Well, that did no good at all, and it wasn't long before we back on the long checkless trail again. We finally rolled into Crystal City (actually Watergate literally rolled in a shopping cart that Pulls found. I heard her moan in pleasure(?) as she felt every jolt of paved trail deep within her tender loins.

At the ending circle, many additional violations were noted, such as Well-Drilled's JFK 50 miler and the numerous late arriving turkey stuffers like Short Bus Bitch, Holy Tit, $50 and DuckJob. It was truly satisfying to see the hares forced to sit on ice bags for the duration of the circle (pieces of ice courtesy of Twatsssuuuppp!Ò and SloppyHo. R.M. Titanic was called out for throwing away the sacred hash metal drinking vessels, which despite their greenish color inside from unknown encrusted spores, remained perfectly usable. Bad Dog appeared from the shadows and was asked to pass out the Trash, but drank beer and ate stale cookies instead. The miserable, lowly hare had forgotten to bring any food at all and drank for that while sharing bare nekkid butt time on the ice block.

Long Time No Seers were called out:

Bad Dog

Because He Can

Blows My Mind

Horny Toad

Nasty Bumpo

PullsItOut

SloppyHo

 

Analversaries were noted:

WoWo - 169

$50 Bitch - 125

Celtic Climax 75

Blows My Mind - 25 Mug Club

MothersLay - 25 Mug Club

Road Whore - 25 Mug Club

Twatsssuuuppp!Ò - 25 Mug Club

Visitors - None

Virgins/(Sponsors)/Taunts

Just Tim (Just Melanie) Show us your crown jewels.

Next, there was a lengthy discussion and suggested names for a re-naming of Pork and Cheese who was inappropriately re-named by MVH6 as The Other White Meat. Despite some strange offerings like Season your Bacon and Duckbeater, the overwhelming consensus was that she should retain Pork and Cheese.

After some discussion, Just Diane was summoned into the circle for her naming. She works for the US Mint and couldn't remember the details of her first sexual deviancy, like horses, gave AndHowsHerBush a prostate exam at the Red Dress Run, and flashed her jugs to the jury for sympathy. There were many fine suggestions, like BigTitsNoBrains, A little Bit Cuntry, illegal Tender, Uniprober and Bone Appetit. But the number one choice was Coin Operated.

Hashit

Holy Tit and Duckie were close to getting the Hashit, but just then Sloppy Ho and Twatsie attempted to leave the circle prematurely to watch Malcolm in the Middle on TV and fill their pieholes at Subway. They were awarded the trophy promptly. And we all straggled off to the ononon at the CC Sports Pub, which was a friggin long way and unmarked just like the trail.

ON ON, MiteyTite

Appendicks -- The White House Cheer

Cocksucker, Motherfucker,

Eat a bag of shit!

Cuntgrabber, Douchebag,

Bite your mother’s tit!

We’re the White House Hash,

All the others suck!

White House Hash,

White House Hash,

Shit, Piss, Fuck!