START:Oxon Hill Park & Ride, Oxon Hill MD
HARES: Blonde Roots, Blow'in in the Wind, and (Just) Veronica
BREW CREW: JailHouseCock, CumScout

Even at three in the afternoon the sky was looking dark as we gathered somewhere out in PG County near the decaying Wilson Bridge amid slag piles of medical waste, used body bags and Uzi shells. A certain aroma redolent of pigs knuckles, chewing tobacco and hair relaxer permeated the atmosphere. I knew this hash would corrupt my moral sensibilities when I checked in with WOWO, who announced that he had learned a new term for a certain sexual practice he calls "tongue punching the balloon knot." Adorably (not so) innocent Just Lauren didn't bat an eye at this gross description of WOWO's real and imagined pastimes. Before too long we decided no one else would show up out in PG-land and so it was best to get the hash on the road. $50Bitch presided over the opening ceremonies and pressed long time no seer Dick is Fine into service to do Father Abraham.

I was fondling Just Lauren's long flowing mane or maybe it was FAG's greasy muffler, when the entire runner's pack took off and before I knew what hit me, I was left eating No. 2's dust. Wheezing along, I got back to the pack as we entered Oxon Hill Farm Park and then went into the woods. About this time $50Bitch announced she had to pee and went off to discreetly drop trow. Field reports indicate however that her Minnesota albino butt was well within sight, shining like a silvery neon road sign pointing the way to the great white north. The trail took a turn down a hill and ran along open fields. Certain hashers like Holy Tit and 2Lips, Road Whore and Duck Job went careening into the field as though they had inside information on where the trail was headed. Sure enough, intelligence reports indicate that HT and 2Lips had pre-run the trail, the double crossing, front running bastards. Just when I was recovering from the earlier environmental indiscretion, I came across another gross urinary violation, Peeking Duck squatted by a trash can and SnatchShot attempted to shield her cute rear from view. This really didn't work at all, as Snatch has the bodily girth of a No. 2 pencil.

The beer check was just beyond a shabby school in the parking lot of a third world medical clinic. Beer Slut surmised that one could receive medical attention in exchange for chickens and pigs at this facility. Many of the runners seemed to be lost or off course and we had an extended refreshment period aided by the beer bitch. Eventually the last few staggered in and the walkers showed up as well. They were told to chug a beer and start walking. The runners followed them on the same path, dodging 18 wheelers back to the start.

The violations were so numerous, they needed to be indexed, given a detailed taxonomy or taxidermy and a search engine. The sorry record follows:

Holy Tit for a Racing Jacket

$50Bitch for Racing Pants

Vominatrix for a Baltimore Marathon Shirt

2LipsintheBush for wearing a chick Racing Shirt and assorted undergarments from Victoria's Secrets

RotoRooter for a Skate Racing Shirt

2LipsintheBush and Holy Tit -- Foreplay (Pre-running the trail to work up a sweat, possibly after working up a sweat with each other in the back of a car) and Afterglow (leaving Beer Check early)

BigBang and Snatchshot -- Making kissy face and causing widespread nausea

(Overheard at the beer check: you are my widdle fuzzy wuzzy bunny wabbit)

Vominatrix: Propositioning Bob Dole at HDWT's Christmas party (causing the Senator to toss down 5 Viagra tabs and accidentally stab his boner with his omnipresent pen)

Fuzzy Warm and Sticky and Semi-Virgin Janine -- Way-laid, lost in the bush, and late for the hash.

Just MaryBrett and RearEndLoader -- Over-laid, stopped for road hummer, and late for the hash.

Just Lauren -- volunteering to blow a cop to get landlord PoodleFucker out of a speeding ticket

DickaLick -- Smelling the Virgins excessively

$50Bitch -- Ethnic Jokes about Norwegian Ricans.

Fuzzy Warm and Sticky -- Driving new sports car Audi TT (pronounced Teatie?)

$50Bitch and PeekingDuck -- Major Environmental Damage and Overexposure

BigDickNoBrains -- Environmental Waste and Shrinkage

AndHoswsHerBush -- Bringing TV to Hash

HolyTit -- Running into a Fence

No. 2 -- Running out of CO2 for the beer

$50Bitch -- Inadequate Prep and Lube of Virgins

Molay -- Lost in the Hood (He should know better)

SnatchShot - 69 Runs and still licking

Mr. Softie -- 100 Runs and still dicking

MiteyTite -- 200 Runs and barely ticking (awarded shiny metal mug from new stock)

Tabled Naming or prematuri nomenclaturis nolo penetratum as we say in hash-Latin.

We had a false start with a hastily drawn set of suggestions for naming good, innocent Just Lauren (by the way, I have it on good authority that while she is plenty good, she ain't so innocent). No one could come up with a really good name for this former schoolteacher cum global contraceptive instructor that would be printable in a family newsletter like the Hash Trash. There was a lot of sentiment for Kindergarten K*nt, but the reigning Bitch vetoed it.

Then came Just Mary Brett. No one could get her nerd name right, so it was time to give her a hash name. Rear End Loader refused to reveal any intimate details except to refer to her oral fixation. But most the hashers were fixated on her bountiful bosoms, which came into fully clad view and then, yes could it be, into fully ripened bare nekkid glory as the crowd hootered, hollered and swollered. She continued to taunt the slobbering deviants with peeks of her Grand Tetons. Now we know why the Japanese worship Mount Fuji and the Greek goddesses hail from Mount Olympus. It was no wonder the suggestions from the drooling, stunned masses could not measure up to the fullness and splendor of her actual frontage.

As I recall HT came up with the name Twin Kegs to celebrate the fact that WH4 is truly a tits 'n beer hash and well, Just MB has got some big honkin' hooters. There were some other lame suggestions, but the sun had long since set and it came down to a choice between the unpleasantness of frostbite of sensitive extremities or the name "Twin Kegs." So Twin Kegs it was for now and evermore throughout the world of hashing.