WH4 Hash #807
START: 4800 Arlington Blvd, Arl. VA
HARES: Vibrator, LateCummer, 8APuss, Mr. Dabalino, (just) Mark

This hash was touted as some sort of revenge of the nerdy hares, full of clever misdirections, where the marks were all wrong, BTs could go in every direction, and true trail arrows could appear after the pack passed by. Well maybe all that occurred in spades, but all I remember is that baby, it was f*cking cold outside.

Vibrator promised us the trail would be longer and hairier than Big Dick No Brains schlong. (But, that ain't saying all that much anymore as BDNB was dethroned as reigning long dong champion by Summer's Eve at Bible Camp). Then PIO led off with a stunted rendition of Father Abe and the pack set off west on Route 50. MisDemeanor from OTH4 immediately laid down a false pack arrow, setting the tone for a truly ragged trail. One BT after another followed until we ended up back at the start and headed in precisely the opposite direction.

Eventually we came over to Latino Land near Pershing and George Mason Drive. ScrewedByAMinor reiterated her stance that no mortal man could beat her at a game of pool. I don't know if that was a general invitation to the harriers to play hide the pool cue with her or what.

About here my notes indicate that Vominatrix informed me that

ShellackingTheBishop stood accused of a violation and should be assessed punishment for what I marked down as a "BD." Now what does that mean? Could it be that Vom was saying that the Bishop was her Bone Daddy, but he was failing to perform mission critical functions? My notes indicate that BDs were also assessed against LateCummer, FreeRefills, and PussyWithaPorpoise, which probably indicates that he is Bone Daddy to all these chicks. Whoa, he must be one bone-weary daddy.

Somewhere near the beer check, Just Kris said she was looking for a man at the hash. As we all watched WoWo and GBOF openly relieving themselves in unison (practically holding hands), she began to get the idea that quality man and hasher is an oxymoron.

Once at the beer check, Just Jerry was appointed beer bitch.

About then the cold began to play havoc with mental processes as CelticClimax admitted that she was checking out, in her words, a "young hottie" dude who arrived late and ran the trail backwards. It was something about needing fantasies to keep her relationship with Dumb and Dumber smoldering, but she added that he was only permitted to fantasize about big screen TVs and oversize jugs of beer. Semen on the Pew started to recall how he had gone to "gay Paris" to improve his frenching, and smiled at the memory of his "private lessons." I begged him to stop.

Big Dick No Brains stopped by to complain that NoGenitals had beaten him up with body blows instead of beating him off as he had politely requested. Then she gave him a black eye and a fat lip without sitting on his face as he had politely requested.

Later, as we pulled into the end of the run, HotLips said that she was having a hard time with some oral exams. I'm not sure what she was talking about but she seems eager to accept tutoring and discipline from an instructor. Along about this time WoWo and Golden Showers rolled in to the on-in courtesy of ArlCo in the back of a police car. They were charged with bad acting and cross dressing, but fortunately they used their heads and were let go with a slap on the heinie for failure to yield.

Despite the fact that many of us were suffering from terminal frostbite, PIO insisted on conducting normal circle, if there is such a thing. Bad Ditch was covered head to toe in multiple layers of Goretex that resembled blue camping tarps, but still she wined and tried to steal Monkey's blanket. Eventually it became known that a BD was a birthday violation, and the aforementioned led by the Bishop drank for aging none too gracefully.

Long Time No Seers were denounced and pounced upon with frozen beer treats:

Virgins - Vibrator brought in a bumper crop, but then, just look at her bumpers. The virgins (and their parenthetical sponsors) were announced and then were taunted:

Just Kris (Loogie) Drop and give me twenty.

Just Melanie (Shanty Man, or was that Panty Man?) I'm ready for my high colonic.

Just Judy (Vibrator) That's not a roll of quarters in my pocket.

Visitors dumb enough to cum in the cold:

Snake Charmer (Edinburgh)

Is It In (Fort Eustis)

Cum on my Face (Okinawa)

Shanty Man (OTH4)

Misdemeanor (OTH4)

Piddly Diddly (OTH4)

Just Jerry was identified as a headhunter and a guy who flies with the Navy reserve, and is obviously Irish. There were ten bad suggested names and maybe two good ones. It came down to Waking Head Devine and Get in my Ass (uttered Austin Powers style). The reigning imperial religious advisor expressed misgivings about this choice and mentioned a possible post hoc renaming (that's latin legalese for after the fact, youse boneheads) but, in the end (so to speak), it was Get in my Ass.