Date: March 29, 1998
Hares: Late Comer, Put It Out
Location: Fair Oaks VA (Another Strip Mall)
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Well gang I was on time this week and got to see all of the festivities from start to finish. I also got some help from my buddy Black Box. So here goes our last-weekly story.
Had-A-Madam called the group to circle and called the RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY CROWD into the circle to lead us in the Father song. Well Mellow Foreskin Cheese took charge and proceeded to lead us in a Father Abraham WITHOUT using the nasty LEFT word. Word has it that Mellow so despises the LEFT that he will NEVER use the word in public.
After the song was over and Had-A had the Hares give us circles are checks and x are BT's we were off across the parking lot. Rude Boy lead the gang for 50 feet, then Bad Dog was the leader, then Rubber Maiden took charge, quickly he gave way to Bark-A-Dildo, who quickly let Yeast Injection take the helm. After that I lost interest and didn't pay attention to who did what to whom. See Black Box's write up for names.
Anyway, our merry gang began the journey by wandered through an apartment complex, crossing a street, stumbling through a parking garage, crossing another street, endangering their lives running along a superhighway, until we came to a real check that turned us into the woods, thank goodness I was getting bored running on the asphalt jungle.
The trail wander through a wooded path and took us to a road that lead down into a creek area. The creek lead us to a nasty tunnel. We all got wet here. We then wandered through some more woods until we came to another tunnel and got WETTER. After a short distance we came upon the beer van and rested with our friends.
After a peaceful break we were on again. Mud grabbed us quickly as we wandered through the marsh of all marshes. The next mile was through wooded trails until we broke out at the industrial complex in the Fairfax County Building Complex. After some more garage wandering and bridge crossing we were on in to the rear of the shopping complex were we started.
View from the Rear
What a glorious day. The hash weather Gods were in full force on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. Here it was March, but the sun was shining and the temperature was in the 80's! If I had just thought to take my credit card with me on trail, the day would have been perfect. But more on that later.
Mellow Foreskin Cheese and I arrived at the site of the hash early as usual. Of course, we almost turned around when the only other hashers we spotted were Bad Dog, Twice Bitten Once Shy, and Pussy Whipped, the later two who were in various stages of undress trying to rid themselves of their farmer's tans. Soon after, T-Checks, a visiting hasher from California, pulled up and looked around at the motley group that had assembled and said, "Well, I guess I've found the hash."
When The Other Ms. Thomas, Blazing Straddle, arrived (check your new directory, folks, if you don't get this), the two of us started collecting cash and doing the sign-ins, with the able assistance of Spits It Out. Just as Spinal Tap called for everyone to circle up, Spits It Out turns to BS and notes that here it was, just a few minutes after 3:00, a huge crowd of over 100 people, and everyone was already checked in. Wow! Thanks to all of you for making a real effort to arrive early so that those of us doing sign-ins have a chance to hear the hares' instructions and join in F'Abe.
Speaking of F'Abe, this week we were lead by Mellow Foreskin Cheese, Chappaquickdick, Bark-A- Dildo, Bramble Bush, and Eat It Raw in their "Proud Members of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy" version of our warm up: To the Right, To the Right Again, To Jail.... well, you get the picture. We were then told by our hares, Late Cummer and Put It Out, that there was a runners' trail marked in white flour and a walkers' trail marked in blue flour, although we were warned not to breathe too deeply around the blue stuff since it might be toxic. Thanks alot.
So we all start out from the parking lot, cross the road stopping traffic in the process, and head (did someone say "Head"?) into a condo development. Screws Everybody and I noticed that the pack is cutting through the condos to the right, but Late Cummer, who is leading the walkers, keeps going straight. As we are almost out of the condos, we notice that there hasn't been any flour (blue or white) in a while and check with LC, who suddenly realizes that she is not sure where we are. Great. We have a hare with us who can't remember the trail, a theme that would be repeated later. Fortunately, we hear a bunch of whistles and the yelling of On On, and LC quickly recovers and tells us to turn To the Right--where have we heard that before?--and that the walkers' trail will be a little longer than she had planned.
We then passed a really inviting pool and fountain, and then crossed Monument Drive. Soon we ran into Put It Out, who was running sweep, but stopped long enough to ponder why no one, including the pack, seemed to be able to follow trail. Yeah, and what's your point? But all of this was only temporary, as we saw both white flour going across another street, and blue flour going To the Right. Hmmm. As we continued finding blue flour marks, we realized that we were getting closer and closer to Fair Oaks Mall. I turned to Late Cummer and said "Are we going down--to the mall, that is" and she smiled and replied that she wanted the walkers to have a thrill. Damn, and I left my credit card and money in the car. We then came upon a marking at one of the entrances to the mall that directed us in and to exit at "Mick's." Since none of us, including LC, knew what or who "Mick's" was, Screws Everybody grabs a map at the entrance and starts looking through it for signs of "Mick's" while maintaining her near- jogging pace. In the meantime, Latin Anal-ist is shouting "we are now passing Talbot's, we're now passing Crabtree & Evelyn" so that SE could get her bearings. At one point, I turned around to see where the rest of the group was, and then thought, oh, geez, I wonder what happened to the dogs that were with us, Cupid and "little" Oreo. Where else? They were right behind us. Hey, as Cupid's Bitch explained later, "I figured the worst that could happen was I would be asked to leave with the dog, which I was planning on doing anyway, so why not?" This was starting to be a GREAT trail!
After the mall, we crossed the parking lot and were lead into an overgrown area next to I66. Hello? Whatzup here? Then Poop Deck, who had joined the walkers after taking one of his famous shortcuts to nowhere, found flour leading to a creek and a tunnel under the road. So we made our way down the embankment and into the tunnel, and Latin Anal-ist, who is right in front of me, reminds me to take off my sunglasses, harkening back to a couple of weeks before when I couldn't see for sh*t in the tunnel on Pay Per View's run because of wearing my shades. LA was also wearing her "I got lit at a full mOOn hash" flashlight, which she turned on much to the envy of the rest of us. Of course, I called for a whistle check and started singing Swing Low, a tradition of the walkers whenever we are in tunnels. As we emerged into the sun light again, I met up with Free To Lei, from Hawaii, wearing a party hat in honor of her birthday. We followed trail a short distance to the beer near sign, and soon came upon newly engaged Ragin' Cajun (geez, another hasher bites the dust) sans Juicy, but accompanied by Toy Boy and Untrained, setting up the beer check. RC told me that he and Juicy are getting married the end of May and then he leaves the first of July for Africa. By himself. Hmmm. Oh yeah, Juicy and Toy Boy will be joining him there in August. We are really going to miss all of you guys! Untrained should do really well with all the other wild animals of Africa, though.
While we were waiting for the pack to drag themselves to the beer check, I noticed that CheeseSpread was packing some new heat--her new yellow and pink water pistol. She then decides to demonstrate its powers and shoots a few sprays at Just Mary, who nearly freaks until she realizes what is happening. She cums over and explains that a couple of weeks ago, Submission Impossible's dog peed on the leg of the hand that feeds him and Just Mary witnessed this and couldn't help but laugh. Several days later, Just Mary arrives home from a reception wearing a new silk pants suit and takes her own dog out for a walk. She stops to talk to a neighbor and her dog lifts his leg in her direction, and well, let's just say that she wasn't laughing this time. Anyway, when she felt the spray of water on her leg, her first reaction was "who's peeing on me now?"
After the beer check, I noticed that the size of the walking group had about tripled. Don't know if it was the hot weather, the cold beer, pulled muscles or the shiggy. Anyway, we followed true trail through lots of shoe sucking mud, then went To the Right over a creek (fortunately via a bridge) and into the woods. Bramble Bush and I were comparing sunburns gotten from MVH3 and driving around in our convertibles--eat your hearts out you people with "practical" cars! Then, as we were cuming out of the woods, Late Cummer looks around and goes "Oh, Sh*t, I can't remember which way to go." So she leads us up a hill to the left, but there is no flour anywhere. In the meantime, Cupid, dragging his Bitch behind him, snifts out the toxic blue flour To the Right of course, and Cupid's Bitch yells On On and jumps up and down nearly knocking over the poor dog so excited that she is an FWB.
I then caught up with Beastie Bush, who told me that she is almost finished with school up in New York and plans on moving back to the DC area in June. Just couldn't stand being away from all of us for too long. Great! Another Killer B!
After we got back on the trail, it was a relatively short distance back to Monument Drive and to the On In. As everyone was changing out of wet, muddy shoes, we all commented what a GREAT trail it had been. Good job LC and PIO!
One final matter. By the time you read this, you should have gotten your new Hash Register. Yes, you are welcome. But thanks also to Big Bird Turd for getting it printed. If you are not included in the listings or if the information is wrong or has or will change, please let me know. I frequently get calls asking for current information that may not be in the printed version--who knows it may be Mr. or Ms. Right calling about you--so it is a good idea to keep me up-to-date. Also, I can and do send out electronic updates of the list in between printed versions, so there will be other chances to get listed correctly between now and the next edition in about six months. You can call me at 703-533-2107 or email me at patti.thomas@ost.dot.gov. Thanks.
One more final matter. How about if some of you give Big Bird Turd a break and volunteer to write a hash trash once in awhile? Unlike some of us, the man can't drink and take notes at the same time. Doing a trash--or is that getting trashed?--doesn't take long, and you will be amazed how much fun it can be, not to mention that you get your name and your hashing experiences highlighted.
On On,
Black Box
After having some beer and hydrating with a little water in the alleyway behind the start, the circle was call to order by Spinal Tap and Had A Madam . Spinal Tap then called the hares forward, sheepfully Late Comer and Put It Out wandered into the circle, with their heads down.. The assembled mass was then asked to answer that old question of "What did you think of that run?". And as all hashers have come to understand the age old response of "What a Shitty run!" sprang forth from the group. After some solemn deliberation Had A Madam asked for a song and Pussy Whipped sprang forth with "Sally In The Alley", the hares drank, and the sight was good. Next came the Virgins, their vitals are listed below:
| Name | Who Made Them Come | Temporary Hash Name |
|---|---|---|
| Ted | Corey | Fuzzy Wuzzy |
| Kathy | Snow White | Hi Ho!! |
| Katrin | Jennifer | Blime Babe |
| Rosemary | Jennifer | Sprinkle To Taste |
| Tracy | Snow White | 8th Dwarf |
| Ralph | Katrin | Munich Munchkin |
| Ellie | Stacy | Penicillin Paula |
After the virgins showed the crowd how to chug one for the hash. The visitors were called forward. This weeks visitor were Major Private Tickler from Austin Texas, Burnt Rubber from Black Sheep in Baharan, (just) Stacy and (just) Shelly from Great Falls, T Check from Singapore, Freto Lay from Olayha Hawaii, and (just) Elsa from Moscow . Beasty Bush was also back for another visit.
The Birthdays included Chapaquidick, Cupids Bitch, Free To Lei, (just) Stacy, and Drunk And Confused. Cinderella's included (just) Ralph, Eat It Raw, (just) Shelly, and (just) Rosemary. Chapaquidick was also recognized as a media slut.
Namings included:
We had a special treat from Pussy Whipped & TBOS, a song of joy.
Our last order of uselessness was the awarding of the hashit; the nominees included NO ONE. Once again the last hashit wanker did not show and the award was postponed for another week. Joe Camel you messed Up, the hash trash never forgets. Will you show this week or will you continue to NOT GIVE A S**t about our traditions. No pressure guy. Shortly thereafter, the familiar theme of "Pots on the Ground", and the singing of swing low, and the traditional phrase of "Go In Piece" and "Get A Piece" brought the circle to an end.
The On On On was held at O'Gradys. Yet another upscale Yuppy Strip mall Eatery/Drinkery place. The $10 beer and snack price allow all of us to eat and drink in the style we are acustomed to. The gang stayed for several hours then things wound down and our hash affair was over for another week. What in store this week???
On On,
Big Bird Turd
#584 April 12; Drinks On Me Bud, & John Hand Cock, Goomba, and
Wilburrrrrrrrrrrr, Great Falls, VA On-On-On Old Brogue
#585 April 19; Trouser Snake, Finger Licking Good & Friggin' In The
Riggin (Mt Vernon or Alexandria)
#586 April 26; Mass Moonie Wedding Hash; Squidley Diddley, Keyless
Entry, Perk-A-Set, Big Bird Turd, Screws Everyone, and Poop Deck, Jimi
Hendrix, OralGina, Perkey, and (just) John.
#587 May 3; Fourth Anal Sexo de Mayo Hash; Leisure Suit Larry, Yellow
Pants, and One No Trump; Reston VA
#588 May10; Fussy Bitch & Raise My Titanic, Location Vienna Metro
parking garage, north side
#589 May 17; Wine (not whine) Hash; Spits It Out & Trouser Snake
#590 May 24; LAST SUNDAY HASH FOR THE SEASON HASH; looking for hares see
GBOF
#591 May 25; Memorial Day/Naval Hash Monday 3:00 pm; Squidley Didley, &
Keyless Entry
WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR HARES. If interested, contact GBOF at 703-876-4772.
April DC Full Moon Hash - This will be the Easter Bunny Run. Friday, April 10 at 7 pm. Hares are Missing Link and Full Metal Balls. START Location: Key Intermediate School, Franconia Road, Springfield, VA; DIRECTIONS: Take I-395 South to Exit #169 and head East on Franconia Road (towards the mall for you ladies), or Take I-95 North to Springfield, exit at the Springfield METRO, turn left on Loisdale and right on Franconia Road. Then proceed for about a mile, passing the mall, the Silver Diner, the old folks home and Lee High School. Look for Key Intermediate School on the left. ON ON ON: will be at the Port of Italy on Franconia road just east of Springfield Mall.
Wagner Brothers Party - Saturday April 25th, Location - Herb's 8:00 pm to whenever?, see Mellow Foreskin Cheese for details.
Vienna H3 777th Run - April 24-26. If interested see Spinal Tap or Hasher Humper
Hockessin H3 169th Run - Saturday April 25 their 3 year anniversary; Boothwyn PA, see the other Bill Wagner Mellow Foreskin Cheese for details and Flyer.
Mount Vernon H3 AGM - May 8-10; sketchy details - pub crawl Friday, AGM Hash Saturday, Party Saturday Night, Hangover Hash Sunday. Check website http://patriot.net/~djk/mvh3/ for details.
May DC Full Moon Hash - Saturday May 16th at 6:00 pm; Hares Great Balls of Fire, Bark- A-Dildo, Stool Sample & (just) Kyle; Location at the lake across from Falls Church H.S., Jaguar Trail Falls Church VA.
Dewey Beach H3 Memorial Day Run (and campin trip) - Sunday May 24th, Location - Cape Henlopen State Park, Rehoboth, DE; see Eat It Raw or Mellow Foreskin Cheese for details.
Pittsburg H3 800th Run - June 4-7 This should be a hash blowout of the first magnitude. Details to follow.
DCH4 (DC Harriers and Harriets Hash) 1000th Weekend - June 12-14; Location is the Washington D.C. Metro area. All hashers (near & far) are invited to participate in this hashing millennium event. More information on cost, registration, and other hash sh*t to follow. Fri, 12 June - #999 - a Washington (pre) monumental Hash Sat, 13 June - #1000 - country Hash in the Potomac, MD area, Sun14 June - #1001 - Dalmatian Hash (tentatively planned for inside the Beltway).
WH4 Yearly Pagan Party - Some time in June. To include a self help barn painting party, details to follow.
WH4 600th Run - July 25th (Saturday) 3:00pm, social gathering to follow, activities will include beer, food, dancing, socializing, and overall a damn good time. More details to follow.
Octoberfest & Kuala Lumpur Extravaganza - September 24 - October 10 Drinks On Me Bud is putting together a 3 week package for 25+ hashers to attend the Oktoberfest in Munich and other fun stuff before heading to the Interhash in Malaysia. See DOMB if you are interested. He has an AWSOME package for the whole thing!!
Interhash '98 - October 2-4; The Mother Hash, Kuala Lumpur H3, hosts; Join hashers from around the world for the 60th Anniversary of Hashing! Contact Rob Stott, +60-3-618-5650; or mail Jo Doraisamy, PO Box 40, Ampang PO, Ampang, Malaysia 68000. Registration is now $215 US (give or take a dollar for postage etc), to late for a cost reduction you last minute wankers.