SPECIAL ATTENTION HASH: Washington, D.C. May 14 In a joint press conference held today at the National Press Club, spokesmen for the White House Hash House Harriers and the shockandroll band "the Shrunken Headbangers" announced the ALIEN ABDUCTION of Ratko Serin, guitarist for the band. The ALIEN ABDUCTION took place May 2, 1998 outside the band's palatial Washington DC practice facility. A satellite transmission was received at NASA's SETI monitoring station on Three Hummock Island, Tasmania demanding one million dollars ransom for Ratko's release. To this end, member of the White House Hash House Harries have organized a "kegger" to raise money for his release. The event will take place June 13, 1998 at the county estate of Shooting Blanks and Barf Fly in Keedysville Maryland. A White House spokesman would not confirm rumors that a ALIEN SACRIFICE would take place during the "kegger". To view photographic proof of the ALIEN ABDUCTION go to the Shrunken Headbangers web site, www.erols.com/mlaird/shbangers/abduct.html. The WH4 spokesman said that the general public should not be alarmed. This incident appears to have been one in a series of abductions targeted at individuals exhibiting outrageous behaviors such as public drunkenness, lewd and lascivious exploits, disrespectful attitudes, nudity, and general antisocial demeanor. SEE COMING EVENTS for details!!!
Date: Sunday, May 24, 1998
Hares: Ragin' Cajun, #2, Rude Boy, Yeast Injection
Location: Reston in the burbs
Sometimes hashers really amaze me. More hashers than I would have thought possible actually believed that Big Bird Turd a/ka/ TOBW's pre-run write-up of last Sunday's hash, distributed on Monday, was for real. I admit that it did bear a certain resemblance to what usually does actually happen at the hash, but give me a break. So that there will be no misunderstanding; IT WAS A SPOOF. What do these people do on April fools day? Anyway so that TOBW and Perk-a-Set could go off for a weekend on their own, I agreed to do a write-up of the Monday hash. Well one thing led to another (Late Cummer could not do the Sunday write-up since she was moving), so you lucky people get the Weekend in Review just like on Sports Center.
The smaller than normal crowd (most people were in Dewey Beach including Missed Erections, see below) was treated to a nice trail around a lake in Reston with two beer checks. Vomitatrix did a great job as beer wench. Just Blair, who has been running with us for five runs, led us in F'Abe, although he could not remember how it started and had to be assisted by Wilburr and Bonnie Brewer. This led to certain unintended consequences (see below). After the Hares drank in the Circle, the Virgins, the most prominent of whom was Just Joan, who was made to cum by In the Hole. Just Joan is from Watertown, WI, the next town over from my home town of Oconomowoc, and told me that the last time that she was home she drove up to her favorite liquor store (this woman has hasher potential) and low and behold, it is now Wagners Jewelers. This led to one Chessehead drinks, all Cheeseheads drink, etc. Next to drink were our visitors, Deliverance from Silicon Valley and Bush Rat from Hersey. Some people drank for violations but I don't remember who they were. Since Trouser Snake was MIA (so whats news about that) no hashshit was awarded, although Wilburr certainly deserved it just because, and drank a couple of times anyway.
We had two special occasions. First, we had a NAMING. Because of the
able and timely assistance that was given to him in the singing of F'Abe,
Just Blair was named. the candidates were: 1.Pinnochio, 2. Meat
Puppet, 3. Pull My String, 4. Wilburr's Bitch, 5.Nifty Loin, and 6. Little
Wooden Dick. Hence forth and forever more in the WH4 and throughout the
world of hashing, Just Blair will be known as
The main event, however, was saying farewell to former Beer Crew czar, Ragin' Cajun, Toy Boy, and Juicey, who after this weekend's nuptials are moving to Nigeria. Congratulations and farewell! Of course, one engaged or married couple, etc., and therefore Squidly Diddly and Keyless Entry, and Dr. Jeykll and Cunning Runt also had to drink. Cunning Runt also had to drink for actually earning money for winning a Reston race.
Spinal Tap then asked for announcements which was followed by "Pots on the Ground" and the singing of "Swing Low." The On On On was at the Lakeside Inn which we had run past.
Date: Sunday May 24, 1998
Hares: Eat It Raw, Champagne Charlie, Crib Snatcher
Location: Cape Henlopen State Park, DE
When I showed up for Memorial Day's Naval run, I was bombarded by hosts of WH4 hashers saying that I was missed at the Dewey run and asking me why I wasn't there. The Ps were in town (see below). I don't care if they talk about me when I am not there, as long as they don't say it to my face. From the reports of the various hashers that made it (Rubber Maiden, #2, Missed Erections, Dirty ‘N' Hairy, Mud Buns, Pro Bono, Bavarian Bush, Ich Liebe Dick, Just Harry, and Just Heather, it was a great run.
Just a few of their comments. Rubber Maiden: "You were missed. Great food." #2: "7 miles through sand, swamps, and clouds of horseflies. It was great! They put signs up on telephone poles in DB to attract cops." Just Harry, and Just Heather: "Longest hash run we have ever been on. Pussy Whipped bitched about the length of the run and was a FRB. As were running through the lesbian beach, they stopped playing volleyball and applauded. Twenty of us managed to con a ride back to RB in the back of a pickup truck. Later we were at the Frog Pond which is now a lesbian bar and 2 of them wanted to cross over for a 21 year old hasher." Missed Erections: "Sand, muck, p.i., bugs, and ticks." Pro Bono: "Sand, great D.B, great food." Dirty ‘N' Hairy: "We were out on trail 3 hours. The FRB's got lost in a cyprus swamp in muck up to their calves and came in last. Great camping and food." Great job, Eat It Raw, Champagne Charlie, Crib Snatcher.
HASH NOTE: Although there are no rules, there is one hash version of a mortal sin -- donating a DB or any hash T-shirt to Goodwill. You know who you are.
Date: Monday May 25, 1998
Hares: Squidly Diddly
Location: Across from Bethesda Naval Hospital
As Black Box and I arrived at the start in a parking lot, it certainly did not look like it would be much of a Naval hash unless ships grow treads or wings. It was a beautiful sunny day. Yeast Injection was already there with Shiggy Shiggy Bang Bang. So were Blazing Straddle and Bad Dog. Others soon gathered and the usual foreplay began as Blazing Straddle and Black Box proceeded to liberate us from our $3. Bramble Bush and Hyman Dickover took a pre-run run and didn't even have to drink for it. Many hashers gave me an update of the previous days DB hash (see above) The Decks and others showed up after spending time at Drinks on Me, Bud's party at the Fairfax Hunt Club. Poopdeck looked around and apparently wasn't impressed since he was heard to mutter "Never, ever leave the campsite." (You too could have gone if you had gone to Sunday's run.) Long-time no-seer Crackshot showed up with her Virgin, Just Steve, and a pair of the most hideous lime green shoes you ever would want to see. They drove Dumb Blonde positively green with envy. In the Hole, who had on a marvelous teal and purple fashion statement, and Just Joan were there for the second day in a row.
Circle up was finally called and Spinal Tap led us in his rendition of Joe, who works in a button factory. (He never will beat out Drinks on Me, Bud.) Squidly Diddly explained that circles with anchors were checks and that there would be no water, but announced there would be 2 beer checks to the cheers of the mob. Awesome dude!
The trail led north "On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin..." Ave to Cedar Lane where we turned right. Long time no-seer EBBB pondered, "Didn't we do this trail last time. I only show up every six months and want a different trail when I do." She should have been nominated for hash shit for this, even if Bramble Bush was going to nominate Wilburr, just because. If we had only known we could have saved a lot of time and gone 50 feet past a false trail marking to the On In. Oh well, we would have missed the beer checks. From there we ran through a park and up Elmhurst Lane and turned right at a check from whence we ran up a loooong hill to the first beer check.
After the beer check, we continued up the hill to Conn. Ave and crossed under I-495. Amknessia was heard whining that she was not doing anything bad anymore. Hint Hint. School just isn't good for this woman. Hawaiian Puke stationed himself at a check to protect us from the enemy, which in this case wasn't the Ruskies, Chi-coms, Iraqis, Iranians, or any of the contributors to the Clinton re-election campaign. It was P.I. Good job Puke! From there, we wandered through a typical nice Maryland suburb and turned right on Jones Bridge Road which we took to the 2nd beer check which was in a park next to a cop car which didn't pay us no heed. By this time everybody was hot and beat and just wanted this Naval campaign to end. Betty Crocher limped in and, in a remake of her naming, was towed back to the On In by Shiggy Shiggy Bang Bang.
After milling around and not finding trail in the park, the pack headed back on Jones Bridge Road to "On Wisconsin, On Wisconsin..." Ave. which we followed past the start to the On In in a backyard where we have had previous On Ins. I found myself running with Virgin Matt from St.Claire, Ill., which can't be near Chicago since he did not know what a FIBwe was. Ich Liebe Dick must have had a great time being her normal party girl self in DB since she said as I passed her, "TOBW passed me and I don't have the energy to do anything about it. I left it at the beach." Well, she must have found it since she soon left me in a cloud of spray. Finally, after what seemed like the Marine Corps. Marathon, we were at the On In and refreshing ourselves with some much needed beer, Yeast Injection was doing a great job satisfying the masses of tired and thirsty hashers. Bramble Bush was whining about her lack of stretching discipline. So what's the point?
View from the Rear
Another great weekend of hashing. Or for me, anyway, hashing-related events. It all started on Thursday night when I went to Mellow Foreskin Cheese's house to help with a Wisconsin State Society newsletter mailing.[Note: the June 20 tailgate party and O's game in the Announcements section below.] It looked like an On On On of a hash. Sitting around the dining room table were Kiel Bastard, No Genitals, Chappaquickdick, Vomitatrix, RAS, and Rude Boy. Bonnie Brewer and Cheese Spread came in a few minutes later. The big treat of the evening was meeting MFC's parents ("the P's"), Margaret and Rudy, who were delightful, gracious, and as outgoing as their eldest offspring. MFC's brother Jim (The Other Wagner) flew in from Pittsburgh with his son, Matt, who was the spitting image of a younger Jerry Wagner--kind of scary. Anyway, as we were eating brats and sauerkraut and drinking Miller Lite, I saw the P's and all four Wagner brothers (Danny was also there), plus Matt together. Awesome sight. And the best part was that they were having soooo much fun. I'm sure MFC's P's were hashers in a previous life!
Friday night I went to a small housewarming for Late Cummer, who had just settled on a new townhouse in Falls Church that morning. She decided to have a few friends over BEFORE she moved in any of her possessions. Hmmm. Anyway, her house overlooks the lake off of Fairview Park Drive that we hashed around at MVH3 and full mOOn the previous weekend. Great Balls of Fire graciously dropped flour right outside her back door so the pack ran right by her house during the full mOOn hash. We think he left it there so that she could find her way home.
Saturday I went to the MVH3 Combat Beer Patrol hash set by all 6 Marines (or former Marines) in the Mt. Vernon hash. During the circle, I asked Blazing Straddle "How many Marines does it take to set a hash?" The answer: One more than we had! Oh well. It really was a great trail, and the food, prepared by three of the Marine officers' wives [YUCK!] was great.
Sunday I know I didn't cum to the hash, but I did go to Shooting Blanks and Barf Fly's house to check out the site of the upcuming Pagen Party. If they can convince their neighbors, who apparently are not overly fond of loud music and hashers, to go out of town, everything should be great. Long-time no-seers there were RAS, Ahab, Amkneesia, S'not, Ukhugh, Chicago, Juicy, Smooth Operator, and Mole. Even one of the members of the Shrunken Head Bangers was there. We had a great time, and SB and BF are bracing themselves for the on-slaught of hashers on the 13th--they already have the Port-o-Potties in place.
OK, on Monday, I woke up to a beautiful day. A little overcast at first, but a wonderful breeze was blowing and it didn't seem too hot or humid. So I decided that since it was Memorial Day, I needed to wear something patriotic to the hash. Frankly, I looked resplendent in my navy with white stars shirt and red pants. I even had on stars and stripes socks and matching fanny pack. Quite the fashion statement. I was matched only by Spinal Tap in his stars and stripes shorts and bandanna.
As I was helping Blazing Straddle check everyone in, I spoke to Keyless Entry and Squiddly Diddly about a walkers' shortcut. KE had a map of the trail and was going to accompany the walkers. She kept protesting that she had nothing to do with setting or scouting the trail itself and I reminded her that since she was planning on marrying the other hare, we would not let her off the hook if anything "bad" happened out there. As it turned out, the Naval Hash was anything but wet, unless you count the humidity. While we were out on trail, I was walking with Spits It Out, Just Heather, and Celtic Climax. Since we were keeping up a pretty good pace (in fact, Eat Me For Breakfast later complained to me about how fast the walkers walk, and how hard it was for him to keep up with us without spilling his beer on trail--whining?), we got pretty hot out there. A few times when we were paralleling Rock Creek, Just Heather mentioned that the trail she would have set would have put us smack dab in the middle of the water so that we could cool off a bit. In the Hole finally came to a hash, instead of just the circle and On On On. She told me that this was twice in two days. She also brought with her new hasher, Just Joan, who was also doing her second hash in two days, and who had been a virgin the day before but is now hooked on hashing. Just Joan grew up in Wisconsin and was from the small town where one of MFC's sisters lives and runs the Wagner Jewelry store. Geez! These cheeseheads are everywhere!
The trail was VERY long for a hot day, particularly since the walkers missed the second beer/water check, and by the time we caught up with the pack on true trail, we were pretty well parched. The trail lead us past our cars, and Bad Dog told me that the On In was about 3-4 blocks away, so I decided to drive the last part. Of course, as soon as I got in my car, I offered Just Heather a ride, who gladly accepted. While we were on Wisconsin Avenue waiting at a light, we saw Keyless Entry, Crackshot, and Crackshot's Virgin, Just Steve, nearly passing out trying to get to the end, so of course I offered all three a ride. They jumped into the back of my car, and we rode to the end. Of course, we all had to drink later for autohashing, but it was worth it.
On On. Black Box
Soon, the Circle was called to order and in honor of the day, a toast was raised to all of our hashers who are currently serving or served in the military. We salute you! Next to drink was our hare, Squidly Diddly, who came forth to answer that old question "What did you think of that run?" with the expected, and this time accurate, answer: "What a Shitty run!" and when one navy man drinks, etc,. so Hyman Dickover, Dirty ‘N' Hairy, Head First, and Virgin's Corey and Matt drank to "Here's to the Hares, they are true..." Next we sang the White House Anthem. Next came the Plebes, I mean Virgins:
| Name | Who Made Them Come | Temporary Hash Name |
|---|---|---|
| Matt | Internet | Diarrhea of Mouth |
| Debbie | Internet | Cyber Slut |
| Wendy | Debbie | That What Friends Are For |
| Steve | Crackshot | Too Much Information |
| Corey | Michelle | Stool Sample |
We also had Cinderellas: Crackshot, Leisure Suit Larry, "Power Ball," and Just Larry, who drank to the tune of a "Game called 22." Ich Liebe Dick was rewarded for amassing 100 runs and not having a life with her own WH4 mug and of course when one German drinks, etc., so Bavarian Bush drank along with a few German-Americans: Heather, Harry, Matthew, and Dumb Blonde, who availed themselves of this opportunity to get some free beer. (I know better than to do that!) Next to imbibe was our visiting hasher, Pecks from one of the unpronounceable former Russian Republics. We also had lots of long time no-seers - Tidy Bowl, EBBBB, Crackshot, Anybody But Butch and Just Michelle God, is this getting boring or what!
Next were about a 1/4 keg of violations. Shades (Hawaiian Puke, Dumb Blonde, Black Box, Pecks, Meat Puppet, Barkadildo, Kiel Bastard, Just Michelle, and Just Julie); re- enactment of sex on trail by holding hands while drinking (Crackshot and Just Steve); Auto-hashing (Amknessia, Black Box, Spinal Tap, Just Heather, Just Steve, Keyless Entry, which led to one engaged couple drinks, etc., so Squidly Diddly drank, In the Hole, and Just Joan); knocking over the beer table (Just Heather); bouncing a golf balls on trail (Pecks and Blazing Straddle); Naval Hash with no water on trail (Squidly Diddly and the rest of the Navy pukes - Just Matt, Head First, and Just Corey); and giving directions on trail (Dumb Blonde) and following them (John Handcock, which lead to Dumb and Dumber also drinking.)
Spinal Tap then asked for announcements which was followed by "Pots on the Ground" and the singing of "Swing Low." The On On On was at O'Flannagan"s Irish Pub in Bethesda.
On On. Mellow Foreskin Cheese
In my CONSTANT REMINDER section I would like to thank Mellow Foreskin Cheese for doing the trash stuff for me over the BIG weekend - THANKS GUY. Also I would like to thank Black Box for do'in it (view from the rear) again and again.
On, On, Big Bird Turd
#593 June 8; 6:30 PM Love Me Tender & No Butts, No Glory
#594 June 14; Time TBD Pagan Party Fat Boys Hash Wright Farm Area
#595 June 15; 6:30 PM The Multiple Bill Wagner Birthday Hash; Big Bird Turd, Mellow Foreskin
Cheese, Heymen Dickover, plus a mystery hare.
Start: Falls Church Bowling Center, 400 S. Maple Ave.
Directions: From DC/Arlington, follow Lee Highway/Washington St. through downtown
Fall Church, Cross Broad St and Annandale Rd, turn right at Tinner Hill Rd, go one Block to Bowling
Alley. From Md or far reaches of VA, take 66, exit at Wash Blvd/Lee Highway, turn tight on Lee and
follow above directions. From Rt. 50/I-495 South, turn left at Graham Rd, turn right at Lee highway, turn
left at S. Maple, turn left into Bowling alley.
Metro: East Falls Church stop. About 1 mile. Either walk or toke 2 bus west on Lee
hHighway until yu get to Tinner Hill Rd. If walking, exit left onto Sycamore St, left oonto Wash Blvd, left
onto Lee Highway, follow directions above.
Misc: A to A' [prime], dry shoes, socks, etc. absolutely recommended, NOT Dog or
Stroller Friendly!
On-On-On: Pines of Florence, 7151 Lee Highway, corner of Cavalier Trail/S. Maple and
Lee Highway.
#596 June 22; 6:30 PM Put It Out and ?
#597 June 29; 6:30 PM Yeast Injection & Trouser Snake Start Foggy Bottom - GWU
#598 July 6; 6:30 PM Independence Day Hash Looking Fore Hares
#599 July 13; 6:30 PM Bastille Day Hash Looking Fore Hares
#601 July 20; 6:30 Bundling Board, Cums On A Wimp, & ?
WE ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR HARES. If interested, contact GBOF at 703-876-4772.
Wisconsin State Info - June 3 - As part of the Wisconsin Sesquicentennial's participation in the Smithsonian's Folklife Festival, there will be a tailage party on Friday night on the mall featuring Usinger Brats, Weber Grills, and Miller, Point and Leinenkugel beer. The University of Wisconsin Marching Band will also put on thre famous ‘Fifth Quarter.
Pittsburg H3 800th Run - June 4-7 This should be a hash blowout of the first magnitude. Details to follow.
June Full Moon Hash - Friday, June 12 at 7 PM. It will be co-sponsored by DC Harriers and
Harriettes as the kick off to their 1000th run weekend celebration. The run will start at My Brother's Place,
which is on Capitol Hill at the corner of C and 2nd Streets, NW, in Washington. This is one block north of
Constitution Ave on 2nd. This will also be the site of the Friday Night Happy Hour. Cost will be $12 for the
run and On On On. Hares are Bundling Board and Mother Chalker.
If you are driving, please note that there is a limited amount of parking on 2nd street, so the best place
to park is on Penn Ave across 3rd St. from the National Gallery East Wing between Constitution Ave and
the Capitol Reflecting pool. Also 2nd Street is one way and can only be reached by a right turn from the
westbound lanes of Constitution.
Directions: make your way to Constitution Ave. If you are coming from Virginia, I66 East
actually becomes Constitution Ave. If you are taking I395 North, cross the 14th Street Bridge and turn right
when you reach Constitution. If you are coming from points north, turn left onto Constitution wherever you
can.
Drive towards the Capitol. At 4th Street, Constitution also intersects with Penn Ave. Bear right onto
Penn, go across 3rd Street and start looking for parking. The Capital Reflecting Pool is on right. To get to
My Brothers Place, walk up 3rd Street to Constitution, turn right on Constitution and left on 2nd. Walk up
to 2nd and C and look for the deviants.
If you are taking Metro, take the red line to Judiciary Square. Then walk south through the Law
Enforcement Memorial to D Street. Turn Left on D and walk around the east side of the Labor Department
to a stairway going down to 2nd and C streets. My Brothers place is on the corner of 2nd and C.
Hope to see all of you there as we toast DCH4 on their 999th run. Here's looking at you.
DCH4 (DC Harriers and Harriets Hash) 1000th Weekend - June 12-14; Location is the Washington D.C. Metro area. All hashers (near & far) are invited to participate in this hashing millennium event. More information on cost, registration, and other hash sh*t to follow. Fri, 12 June - #999 - a Washington (pre) monumental Hash Sat, 13 June - #1000 - country Hash in the Potomac, MD area, Sun14 June - #1001 - Dalmatian Hash (tentatively planned for inside the Beltway).
WH4 Yearly Pagan Party Weekend -June 13th & 14th: Pull out your calendars and mark the weekend Saturday, June 13th Pagan Party Theme "Alien Abduction/Seduction" Pig Roast, BEER, two live bands, BEER, bonfire, BEER, a virgin sacrifice, BEER, and overnight camp out. Sunday, 14th June Fat boys Hash (#594). Location at the Wright (Shooting Blanks and Barfly), farm near the Sharpsburg (Antietem to the Yankees) Battlefield in Maryland very near Harper's Ferry. $20 prior to June 1st $25 after June 1st, See "Blazing Straddles" for details.
Wisconsin State Society's 16th Annual Orioles Game and MFC Birthday Tailgate Party - Saturday, June 20. Tailgate party at 3:00 pm, Orioles vs. Blue Jays game at 7:05 pm. $25 for game ticket and party. $20 extra for bus which leaves from Pentagon South Parking lot at 3:00 pm. See Mellow Foreskin Cheese or one of the other Cheeseheads for details.
WH4 600th Run - July 25th (Saturday) 3:00pm, social gathering to follow, activities will include beer, food, dancing, socializing, and overall a damn good time. More details to follow.
DC Red Dress Run -September 12, 1998, BIG Weekend Full Moon and Lots Of Fun. Plan For It NOW!
Octoberfest & Kuala Lumpur Extravaganza - September 24 - October 10 Drinks On Me Bud is putting together a 3 week package for 25+ hashers to attend the Octoberfest in Munich and other fun stuff before heading to the Interhash in Malaysia. See DOMB if you are interested. He has an AWSOME package for the whole thing!!
Interhash '98 - October 2-4; The Mother Hash, Kuala Lumpur H3, hosts; Join hashers from around the world for the 60th Anniversary of Hashing! Contact Rob Stott, +60-3-618-5650; or mail Jo Doraisamy, PO Box 40, Ampang PO, Ampang, Malaysia 68000. Registration is now $215 US (give or take a dollar for postage etc), to late for a cost reduction you last minute wankers.