Date: 24 January 1999 (11:00am)
Hares: Spinal Tap
Location: Spinal Tap & Hasher Humper's Haven, Alexandria, VA
O MAN, was it wet!!! Or is that OMEN? It was an omen -- we should have known, if WH4 handed out slick red rubber ponchos it was an omen for rain. Wow - this thought occurred to me before Spinal Tap's and Hasher Humper's house. I was getting psyched for my first day as scribe. Was this a baptism or what?? Mind you, I don't mind being wet, in fact, I like it wet. Now, now -- you hashers read into EVERYTHING!! Wet from the rain that is --- Hmm - maybe that's why hashing is SO much fun! It was certainly a baptism for all the new mis-management members.
I arrived, with time to spare, thank you! Even the new joint GM, Big Bird Turd, arrived early!!! In fact, our other new joint GM, WhereDaFaKhawe, declared a moment of silence and a toast to honor the occasion. Big Bird Turd's response, while grinning at me, was "now that I don't have to scribe I'll always be on time". Okay - hashers - everyone see if Big Bird Turd can keep this timing-thing up.
WH4 new Hash Cash, Needle In Thread, was carefully collecting money, with assistance from my fellow cub reporter, Dangerously Close. Already assembled were Just Laura (not for long), Rocks Oft, Finger Pickin' Good, Looney, Trouser Snake, Bull Shit, FAG, Sit-on-my-Face (son of Spinal), and Lend-a-Hand (daughter-in-law). Everyone was bright eyed, sipping Mimosas or Bloody Mary's, thinking how great it was that Hasher Humper does the best provisioning - clothes or liquids, a dry place to circle up; she does it all. Bull Shit was asked if he liked cats. His reply "Yes, of course, I like pussy". Alright, maybe I haven't been a hasher long enough! I meant Diogenes, the cute Kitty cat that lives here!! Pulls Out Early (not to be confused with Pulls It Out and Put It Out) showed up right behind Spinal cuming back from re-laying trail. The call was made to circle up. The two visiting hashers, Sit-on-my-Face and Lend-a-Hand, were called in to lead Father Abraham.
Bad Dog arrived just as we started, ON-RIGHT, on our WET trek, many pausing to grab their big red rubbers (ponchos). A special thanks to Spits It Out for the design on the rubbers!! WhereDaFaKhawe spotted the first offenses of the day - hashers running the Fat Boys Hash. The front r*nners included Just Laura, Big Bird Turd, Bad Dog, Bull Shit, Trouser Snake and FAG. Well off they went, around the corner and out of sight. The rain steadily came down making it quite an interesting effort to jot down notes. Ball point pens don't write on wet paper?! How frustrating!
And just as quickly they came back around - chanting "Back Check FIVE". And then, "Back Check FIVE." Yes, Spinal Tap is a shrewd and cunning hare. The total of ten led the pack back to pick-up truck in the driveway for the one check this morning. FAG, certainly out of character, had to be called back to the check. It seems he hadn't gotten the r*nning thing out of his system yet. Isn't this a violation? - r*nning past the check?
Just Laura was trying to remember the number of those great Jell-O shooters (courtesy of TideWater H3) she had from the night before. Rocks Oft said he attempted to catch one in flight but Just Laura beat him to it. Big Bird Turd walked up to Bad Dog and said, "Where were you last night?" Big Bird Turd is really into this mastering thing! Bad Dog said something, but it just wasn't a good enough reason to print.
Spinal Tap kept repeating "Remember this is only a check." Taking the cue, Dangerously Close asked, "Which way do we go from here?" It was an almost unanimous shout of "ON-LEFT". Wow - are hashers smart or not??!! What a lot of deduction that took!! As the pack of red rubbers, a few un-safe ones, walked around the corner and headed up hill, yes, all were walking now!! If questioned by the neighbors we would reply that we were the neighborhood watch, practicing safe walking.
Counting blobs of flour, recounting tales from the bestest Christmas party, consuming more of red or orange liquids, completely across the road; we came across what we were looking for .... The back check.. We knew from the trail prior, Spinal would not leave us out long. Barely discernable, back check seven it said . Aha, as one hasher with still all senses intact (is this a hasher??) That puts us back at the house!! Yippee -- good timing my cup is almost empty, a red rubber remarked. It was at this point that ..... A shout rang out - shattering the stillness that can only be found in a """"s t e a d y r a i n"""".
--- LOOK, LOOK --- it's the BEER VAN. Out of the mist she came, the pale blue Shitty-Shitty-Bang-Bang. As if on auto-pilot she slowed, she stopped, the pack cheered. F* the check, let's get a beer. So off trail the pack went, and went farther up the hill, to get a beer. Aha - 'tis enough to say that the experienced hands of Rude Boy knew what to do, without a whine or a moan, he threw open the doors, and started to pour, shouting 'who wants beer?' (wait is this Rude Boy?) We wondered if the hare would notice how long it was taking the pack to return?? HaHa.
Finally the pack straggled back to the start. All gathered in the back yard on this really great big wet deck, libations were brought from inside, beer from the van, Hasher Humper watched from the enclosed sun porch, a safe dry distance! Socializing commenced, comments flew on how all looked in their red rubbers. Yeast Injection and New Hurlington showed up around this time. Someone mentioned how Just Laura looked so angelic, so wet, and with the hood up around her face - like a nun. Wait - opportunity - she needed a name! All the male hashers were drawn in closer, names started to fly. Sister this and Sister that. Dangerously Close suggested - 'All-a-wett'. What a great name. What a great photo op!! Oh no, ran inside to get my new weather-proof camera, thanks mom & dad, put down my notebook and pen to change film, and ran back outside.
The new GMs took the cue -- time to CIRCLE UP!! The hare, Spinal Tap, was called forward to drink. WhereDaFaKhawe acted also as song meister. Spinal Tap then recounted a story - a hasher story. How his son, Sit-on-my-Face, and Lend-a-Hand, met for the first time at a Hash Christmas Party exactly 5 years ago. Big Bird Turd then called them into the circle to recount that first meeting. They were then charged to do a down-down, at which point - when one hash couple drinks all hash couples drink, so Spinal Tap and Hasher Humper, and Yeast Injection and New Hurlington were called into the circle, too.
There were no virgins. So the next pint of lager was a 'very solemn occasion' - a naming!!! Not the simple naming we all thought it would be. A surprise to many was that Just Laura was called forward and all were asked to supply stories about her. Wow - what a lot of stories! FAG was called forward and declined - hmm, not like a hasher not to offer a good story. Others came forward. Names flew, Big Bird Turd asked, "Who is writing down these names?" Oh Sh*t - can't flash and scribe at the same time!! I shoved the camera into Bull Shit's hands with orders to flash away, flew off the deck, grabbed pad and pen, and re-joined the circle. The names offered were: Sister BadHabit, Sister All-a-wett, Tongue Teaser, Tongue Twister, Some Wet Bitch, It's a Wet One, Sister Wet Wipe, Boy - I'm Wet. Hencemore in the White House Hash and in the world of Hashing, Just Laura will be known as:
There was no hash shit. The circle finished with Swing Low and most of the pack accepted offers of hash hospitality of dry surroundings, more beer, and pizza inside the humble abode of the hare, except for Pulls Out Early. He made the announcement that he had to go, "My wife thinks I'm in church!" Well he missed out on the special treat - Spinal's videotape of the red dress exchange party and the red dress run. Bad Dog was overheard bragging about how he had never done a Red Dress Run - how the Dewey Beach End-of-Season party took precedence. Well, Bad Dog, Red Dress is on 2 October - no excuses - see you there! Late cummers to the festivities were Fussy Bitch, Pulls It Out, and visiting Hasher, Drag-Along-Date, from silicone valley. The pack slowly dispersed so they could dry out a little before rejoining at 3 PM for the longest darndest trail of the year. [On-Sec note: and it's only January!]
ON-ON For Sale or Rent
Hello my fellow hashers... This is Dangerously Close, with the Alternative View for the Hangover Hash held at Spinal Tap & Hasher Humper's house. WOW, what a yucky morning. I arrived just in front of Finger Pickin' Good... we were the first to arrive. We had a small crowd - I mean VERY small crowd. People I remember include: Finger Pickin' Good, Rocks Oft, Big Bird Turd, Lend a Hand and Sit on my Face (Spinal's Spawn!), Hasher Humper, just Laura, Fag, Needle In Thread, Pullz Out Early, Looney, Trouser Snake, Bad Dog, Bullshit, For Sale or Rent , Yeast Injection, Orange Line to New Hurlington, WhereDaFaKhawe, and Rude Boy in the beer van. As we slowly arrived, SP & HH were ready, with offers of Bloody Mary's, Mimosas, and more alcohol.After a rather delayed start (can anyone say, "HungOver"??), our new Hash Masters, Big Bird Turd and WhereDaFaKhawe called us to order (Disorder that is!) and quickly appointed our long-time-no-seers, Lend a Hand and Sit on My Face to lead us in Father Abe. After a short and lame Father Abe, (More Alcohol) then our hare gave us poor instructions ("Go that way... beware of checkbacks on trail") and we were off. Most of us were wearing our red ponchos as it was still raining, I am sure we appeared to be some sort of new religious sect.; worshipers of Da Al Cohol I suppose.
Down the street we wandered, a a very meager pace... a few shameless hashers even decided to run! Can you imagine?! Those offenders included: Finger Pickin Good, Bad Dog and Trouser Snake. But, the rest of us sure were glad when that trio found the first Checkback. We were only half way there and didn't have to continue! This first Checkback led us back to SP & HH's driveway, where we all enjoyed our second beverages of the morning... More Alcohol. Then it was off down the street in the opposite direction. Our trio of runners decided they'd had enough and walked along with the rest of us. We rounded a corner and encountered a slight uphill grade, which only made most of us slow down even more. Up the hill we dragged our sorry bodies and just as we hit our second Checkback, we spied the beer van. Our choices were to: 1) hijack the van (just Laura was the first to mention this option!), or 2) turn around and work the Checkback. Well, you guess it... our paced quickened as we were drawn to even More Alcohol... to the beer van we went. After another quick - well, maybe not so quick - beverage stop, we were off to work the check and head (YES, I said "head"!) back to SP & HH's house for More Alcohol and the circle.
We circled up in the backyard. More alcohol! Since we were all soaked from the rain and since just Laura was ready and waiting for naming, we broke into a spontaneous Alawhetta... this later turned into her name; Sister (for the red poncho that looked like a nun's habit) All o Wet!
Circle was short. More Alcohol and words from the hare about the On-On-On. YES, we had an On-On-On! Inside the house we all went, taking our shoes off so as not to track mud in. We pitched in for pizza - More Alcohol - and watched videos from some of the numerous Hash events that SP & HH have attended. It was great. We were joined by Pullz It Out and Fussy Bitch, who stayed only a few minutes so she could go set trail. As the afternoon wore on, we realized that we would never be ready for another Hash, but On-On we went to the Bitch's Trail.
So went the After-The-Holiday-Party Hangover Hash!
On-On, Dangerously Close