Date: February 7, 1999
Hares: GBOF, Bite Me Elmo, and (just) Susan [later named Two Holer]
Location: County Parking Garage, 5th level, Bethesda, MD
What a SHITTY run! First, it was in Maryland. Secondly, it was cold and rainy. Third, the hares tried to disembowel the whole hash.
I should have known that things would not go right when Black Box and I saw a sign for the Woodmont Triangle Parking and went to the 5th level of the parking ramp on St. Elmo Street where the hash should have started only to see NOBODY. A brief reconnaissance mission immediately revealed Shitty Shtty Bang Bang and a few early arrivals were on the top of a garage one block away. Later, I learned that Tastes Like Chalk and a number of other hashers made the same journey.
Soon, however, we were at the correct parking structure and trying to keep warm and dry as the pack stated to arrive. I am always amazed at the number of wankers with no life who show up at out of the way places on cold and wet days like this. Among the crowd I may have observed Eat Me For Breakfast, The Body, Dick Is Fine, Steamin' Seamen, 50 Dollar Bitch, Holy Tit, Butt Plug, Seeman First Ass, Cocks Spit, Solicitor Genital, Finger Licking Good, Drop Box, Bad Dog with the hash shit, Bare Back, Barkadildo, Bavarian Bush, Beastie Bush, Eat It Raw, Champagne Charlie, Black Box, Blazing Straddle, Bramble Bush, Captain Titanic, Cervix With A Smile, DangeRously Close, Drinks On Me Bud, Dumb "n" Dumber, For Sale Or Rent, 14Kt. Cock, Fussy Bitch, Dumb Blond, Hairy Buddha, Harem Scarem, Heat Seaking Moisture Missle, Dick Sicle, Hymen Dickover, John Handcock, Late Cummer, Latin Analyst, Lazy Mother F*ker, Leisure Suit Larry, Mammorex, Missed Erections, Missing Link, Needle In Thread, Number 2, Pay Per View, Pro Boner, Pulls It Out, Put It Out, Ruined It For Dad, Slipknot, Spits It Out, Stool Sample, Tidy Bowl, Trouser Snake, US Boobs & Oral Report, Vominatrix, Slimey Tongue, Tick Cock, Tez's Smirnoff Smirk, EBBB, Ground Chuck, Gets Off Easy, Pinky Penis, One Ringy Dingy, Well Drilled, Kiel Bastard, Great Puck, Rainbow Dick, Duck Job, Oral Gina, Jimmy Hendricks, Spinal Tap, Motel Sex, Just Stefanie, Throbbing the Cradle, Goofy, Betty Crocker, and Bam Bam. It was a GREAT sight, LOTS of wankers on the prowl.
Soon Circle up was called by Big Bird Turd, and WhereDaFaKhawe. In honor of his blowing town for a job with the State Department in Mexico City, Burnt Sox was called froward to do F'Abe. Since his better half, 7 Minutes, was not there, he was given the choice of the litter to accompany him. He choose Big Bird Turd?????
The trail led down five flights of steps and through downtown Bethesda past the Bethesda Draft house and a Chevy dealer into a residential neighborhood to the first check. Everybody was taking the no-rules rule of 30 to a check literally, because the Pack just stood around and nobody was checking . Finally some anal FRB yelled On ON and we were off up a hill to the left through some nice hilly Bethesda streets. So far the run looked like a repeat of Saturday's MVH3 run in Silver Spring. After repeating this routine a couple of times the pack spread out. In an omen of things to come, Blazing Straddle, Burnt Sox, and GBOF were seen running across a park or golf course on the wrong side of the fence just before the trail crossed East-West highway.
Evidently the plan was for the trail to run through the Bethesda Naval Medical Center. Well guess what. The gates were open when the hares did their scouting, but locked when they laid trail on Sunday morning. So what did our experienced ??? hares do? They tried to kill us or get us arrested. The trail led over a barbed wire fence into a locked U.S. Government installation with lots of No Trespassing signs. When I saw ultra-marathoner, One Ringy Dingy, writhing in pain on the ground, I and a lot of others decided to try to go around. Although Big Bird Turd and others managed to climb the fence at another location, Ground Chuck, For Sale Or Rent, and I trekked through some prime deer hunting terrain until we could were blocked by the Medical Center fence and the Beltway fence. Well, I know when it is time to retreat. This was it. So we backtracked back to Jones Bridge Road and Columbia Pike and back to the start. Maybe our hares can relate the rest of the tail.
I must say. The best compliment this Hare received came from Lazy Mother F**ker. It went, and I may be paraphrasing here, something like, "F**k You". I'll take that as a compliment. Let's begin this tail (yes I meant to spell it like that. I'm a hare!) from the beginning.
Before the Beginning:
It was cold. It was raining. It was Sunday. Go figure. The trail forebode of evil. Laying trail went swimmingly until the Hares hit the National Institutes of Health's property. During scouting expeditions, the gates to the grounds were open to the public, resplendent in nature trails and stuff. Perfect, we three Hares thought. However, those gates were not open on Sunday. Uh, ohs.The Rationalization:
Being the considerate Hares we were, we decided to hell with completely legal entry. We pushed aside the barbed wire, and continued the trail OVER the fence onto government property. One could enter the property legally from the front entrance. We wanted to enter from the side. Though unorthodox, it was not technically trespassing.The Beginning:
The runners took off from the top of the Woodmont Triangle parking garage. The walkers foolishly followed your scribe/hare. It was a lovely walk in the gray and the cold and trail followed the runners trail... to a point. When the walkers reached the non-marked portion of the walkers' trail, the Hare, noticed three of the group were AWOL.The Lost:
Verbal directions and a map were given to the walkers and on they trudged, while the Hare went back to find BareBack and her little dog Reese, Betty Crotchet and her little boy Chip, and Kiel Bastard. Apparently they felt it was a perfect day to shoot a few holes of golf, for when the hare located them, they were climbing over the fence FROM the golf course. A friendly neighbor shouted out that there was a much easier way to get to the golf course, so we smiled, waved, and got the heck out of there, back on trail.The Wounded:
The Hare lead the merry band of three, plus child and pup, to Rockville Pike, when Mother Nature, determined we were not miserable enough and rained upon us. Betty and Bare, both with babes (say that 20 times really fast) decided they'd had enough. The Hare directed them back to the start, which was also the finish. At that point, One Ringy Dingy come limping down the street, with the aid of Throbbing the Cradle.He did not look good, Mr. Dingy that is. Throbbing would look good even in the pouring rain. Oh, wait. It was. Nevermind. So the three walkers took the wounded and the children, and headed back to base.
The Confused:
The Hare and the Cradle continued on to the runners' trail. The Hare was in desperate need of a beer and knew the beer check was not far. The Hare was also beginning to wonder if the other walkers found trail and thought it might be a good idea to catch up with them.So across Rockville Pike they did bound. Just like bunnies. Past the Medical Center Metro and up a STEEP hill. To what did the Hares wondering eyes did appear, but a fellow in a Chicken Hat. Oh No. It was Hymen DickOver! Going the wrong way! And look there's Put It Out and.... Uh ohs...there were about 40 hashers all heading towards the Hare. This was odd, since it was not the way trail was heading.
Good Lord.
The Shortcutters:
The Hare, thinking quickly for not wanting to become Welsh Rabbit, and knowing beer was near and that the best defense against, cold, wet, agitated hashers was cold, wet, beer, offered to shortcut the mangy herd to the beer check. And thus we did, and thus it was good.The Chicken Hat:
A group of 30 odd hashers had remained on trail and found beer on their own. Fortunately they saved some for the rest of us. Thus refreshed, the cold, wet and alcoholically fortified pack continued. Albeit a bit suspicious now of the trail and the Hares.After directing the walkers one way and the runners another, the Hare decided to follow behind the runners, just in case. No more lost wankers, injured souls, or golf devotees were found. Until the end. The Hare was came to the top of a hill and was looking down upon Arlington Ave. Seeing no runners, the Hare breathed a sigh of relief. Whew!....But wait!....What is that?...what the hell is that??? It's a...It's a....Omigod! It's a chicken hat! Seems Hymen DickOver was just a tad confused.
The Hare flagged Chicken man down and together they walked, arm and arm into the sunset....well actually, just to the parking garage where this Hare pounded at least two beers before being made to do several down downs. Things get fuzzy at this point, but the next day the Hare discovered the hashshit in her possession. Damn!
Hare's lookin' at you.... BiteMe Elmo....
Soon after everybody had a chance to change out of their wet clothes and down a beer or two, Circle Up was called by GBOF, Big Bird Turd, and WhereDaFaKhawe. First to drink were not our hares but Burnt Sox to the tune of the off key as usual White House Theme Song. Before drinking, he exclaimed that the White House Hash was the best hash in D.C. (Before you get all excited at this testimonial, you should know that he said the same thing the previous week at the Mount Vernon H3).
The Drinkers:
The Virgins:
| Name | Who Made Them Come |
| Zoli | Latin Anal-ist |
| Judy | Latin Anal-ist |
| Trevor | Latin Anal-ist |
| Lisa | Beth Ann |
| Jennifer | Eat Me For Breakfast |
| Dave | Internet |
| Laura | $50 Bitch |
| Joe | $50 Bitch |
| Tim | Tits Ahoy |
| John | Just Caroline |
| Caroline | Big Bird Turd |
| Skyler | FAG |
The Visitor:
The Violators:
This of course led to a solemn occasion, the NAMING of hare Just Susan. It seems that she left a ncie warm bed with a naked man to cum lay trail. (Judging from the shitty trail, she should have stayed in bed.) Nominations included: 1.Trail Sripper, 2. Bed Head, 3. Trail Sniffer, 4. Naked Truth, 5. Burnt Sex, 6. AC/DC, and 7. Two Holer. After a vote off between Naked Truth and Two Holer, hence forth and forever more in the White House Hash and throughout the world of hashing she will be known as:
The last order of business was the awarding of the hashshit, even though the only nominee should have been the hares (editor's note: he's not bitter about this run. Not at all). The nominees were:
OnOn... MellowForeskinCheese
The Cumming events section of the trash will run once a month. Only new just announced Cumming events will go into the trash, weekly if there are any. Here's one now: