CRYSTAL CITY, VA Residents and law enforcement officers were stymied last Sunday by what appeared to be a non-approved fund-raising event attended by at least 80 people. More than a dozen 911 calls were placed to report a stream of boisterous, oddly-garbed runners and walkers straggling down area streets, blowing whistles and duck callers in an apparently unsuccessful attempt to attract ducks. Local police were put on alert and began covert surveillance of the event. One officer was hastily outfitted in mismatched running tights and sweatshirt and sent to infiltrate the crew. His code name, the Assholiated Press has learned, is "Hairy Buddha." (Sources say he has been following the case for some time, unbeknownst to the group's members. When questioned about Mr. Buddha, a group member who said his name was "Steamin' [unprintable]" swore and vowed to "smack him around" for being "such a lying mutha[unprintable].")

Calls to law enforcement officials began around 3pm, when residents living near a local cummunity center reported an unsanctioned parade through the center's parking lot. Passengers in several cars and trucks tossed what seemed to be Mardi Gras beads through the air to observers, who, obviously unaware that Mardi Gras was over, screamed, yelled, and bared their breasts and rears as the colorful necklaces flew their way. "It was just terrible," said Mrs. Ophelia Boobiss who watched the proceedings from across the street. "Even the dog wouldn't go outside until they left." Privately, however, her husband Swengin Boobiss confided that he "liked seeing the girls' titties" and that "there was one guy there with a real nice ass."

Employees at Pentagon Center shopping mall reported a disturbance on Hayes Street as the runners passed. Consumers fled to the confines of the mall for safety ("best thing to happen to our sales all day," said one employee). An observer said he was told the activity was a protest march: "They said they were mad that Bill had stopped calling them for phone sex. I said, 'what's your number? ' But all I got was this one number from a guy who called himself 'Bad Dog'."

Pentagon officials were called into action when the group was seen jumping over guardrails and crossing streets illegally near the military headquarters. One runner was apprehended while apparently trying to enter the Pentagon, saying he was a fireman and he was sure there was a fire in there somewhere. "If not," the man who called himself only "Put-it-Out" reportedly told a Pentagon guard, "I'll start one." The guard said he had asked what Mr. Put-it-Out would use to ignite a fire. "Her," the intruder had replied, motioning toward a breathless woman with a firm grip on the man's rear end. When asked her name, the woman replied only "Vominatrix," and provided the spelling.

Other runners, seemingly having lost their way, milled around several intersections of the busy streets surrounding the Pentagon building. A motorist who had stopped to let the runners cross was mystified. "They just keep cumming and cumming," he said as he peered out his car window. "I don't know what they're doing to keep cumming like that-- Hey! That one's my wife!" With that the motorist abandoned his car on the freeway and went after the woman in question. "Blonde Roots!" another runner, who later identified himself as "Blowin' in the Wind," was heard to call to her. "You didn't tell me you were married!" The woman screamed back, "You didn' t ask!"

Meanwhile, an employee of Nordstrom department store reported a crush of shoppers had appeared at the jewelry counter to purchase necklaces featuring plastic private parts that they had seen people wearing outside. Evidently, he said, "those crazy mutha[unprintable]in' hashers outside are sending people in for them. Now I'm gonna have to order some." A line of at least two dozen shoppers, cash in hand, cheered.

"Hashing," as the sport is evidently called, seems suspiciously like a cult, said Connie Lingus, a neighbor of the resident in whose yard the runners eventually gathered. She noted that they ate, drank, and later gathered in a circle and sang in much the manner of a boisterous church service. She said at least one woman ("They called her 'Black Box,'" Ms. Lingus noted) was momentarily topless, and there seemed to be various romantic pairings rolling around in the bushes surrounding the house, despite below-freezing temperatures. "It's a disgrace," she said. "They were all huddled to tight together, there was no doubt they were ALL going to go and [unprintable] each other just as soon as they were finished with whatever weirdo ceremony they were doing." A participant in the ceremony overheard and agreed, saying he would be happy to do exactly that just as soon as he got his [unprintable] thawed out. "Why didn't we think of that before?" he enthused, identifying himself as Duck Job, recently expelled to Virginia from East Tennessee, where he had made the mistake of dating the wrong heifer. (He later commented that it was difficult finding suitable animals in Northern Virginia, but the women here were better-looking anyway.)

Local police finally caught up to the runners at the mysterious circle ceremony, where the group commenced to sing the spiritual "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and song leaders promised a rendition of "Cum Bah Yah" if the police would remain to listen. Since it was a Sunday afternoon, and they were on private property, and Mr. "Hairy Buddha" was by this time too inebriated to report any illegal goings-on to his colleagues, the police assumed the gathering was indeed a religious one and made no arrests, although there was some discussion of detaining the runners for singing off-key, making bad puns, and propositioning local domestic animals.

ARLINGTON, VA Authorities in the Washington DC metro area are concerned over what seems to be a growing number of virgin sacrifices in the area.

Authorities in Suburban Virginia, Maryland and in Washington DC have noted that over the last few years more and more young people have succumbed.

"We can't quite figure out," said James Tobin, Chief of Police in Crystal City, VA. "For one thing, just where the heck does anyone find a virgin these days?" The other distressing part of the sacrifices, says Tobin, is what looks like pools of bodily fluids left on the ground. "Ya know in the winter that can be dangerous because it freezes and is slippery as all get out."

The latest virgins to be sacrifices were: Dexter, Christy, Pam, David and Mark. Their last names are being withheld until authorities can track down next of kin. Eyewitnesses report that the sacrifice itself did not seem to be all that horrible. There was singing, and the drinking of a magic golden liquid. "I have heard," says Tobin, "That most of the virgins are found with a contented smile on their face."