Date: 7 March 1999
Hares: Wrong Key/Right Hole, LazyMuthaF*cker, Put It Out & Vominatrix
Location:Landmark, Alexandria, VA
As I was reading last week's trash it occurred to me that hasher gods know whining when they hear it. Bite Me Elmo was whining about how it ALWAYS rains and what's up. So in true hash fashion - the plaintiff was heard and we were given the brightest shiniest day of the year - oh yea, and it was like negative degrees without the wind chill. So cold - reminded of the saying on *69's bikers helmet - "My tits get harder than most men's dicks". Oh yea - it was that cold! Needle and Thread and Butt Plug were secure in the back of his pick-up collecting money and playing the tunes!!! Keeping warm!
The circle - I don't think anyone could hear due to all the head gear and muffs. Former WH GM, Moby Dick, was called forward to lead us in Father Abe.
The pack was off - quickly - shouts of "got to get warm". Trail led straight to I-395 --- oh - tunnel? Wet feet? Oohhh, ahhh, say it isn't so! The trail led behind every complex up and over hill, through parking lots. And as was the case this day, running past true trail, which led down a steep gravel-strewn gully. Always ready to take the challenge Crash and Big Bird Turd plummeted down - must have been all the skiing that kept them in condition. Closer to tunnel? But no, the trail led back to pavement and up another hill!! I hung back to watch the hares sweeping trail, yea right - more like normal pace! The pack then turned around - what did they miss a turn - yes, into Landmark Mews - THs running in the $400000s. Luckily one was for sale and For Sale or Rent could live up to her name, snatching the flyer from the box. None of the residents were out to watch this pack - why - they all were hibernating!! Smart people!!
The pack was bewildered again at the next check. Egad - there was fresh mud in that construction site - it just has to be true trail. Bounding through the wood s to get through some shiggy to a construction site. Good Mud. Hawaiian Puke took the high ground next to the chain link fence. The rest were just darn happy to get their shoes muddy. To another TH community and across Edsall Road through the old apartment complex where Bavarian Bush and Fly the Friendly Thighs passed. to the Industrial Park and around and around. Hey - front runners blow those darned whistles a little more often so the rest of the pack can short cut!!!
Now I was with Pecker Checker going through an industrial maze of office warehouses. - Banana Nuts caught up - hey did you take a wrong turn? Stool Sample and Barkadildo were also cumming from behind. Caught up to Holy Tit and his daughter, Just Nicole - her first hash. What a good dad. After the circle they left to see Sheer Madness - now dare I compare - but they were warmer there.
Beer check - what did ever go on there. I heard "pint of lager" called out. WhereDaFaKhawe called BBT out from the pack and asked him where the hash sh*t was. BBT replied where it was safe and warm. Then in a manner very unbecoming a GM, he threw his beer at WhereDaFaKhawe. Goodness man what abuse!!! A mock circle was immediately called to bring attention to this violation. Beer was drawn, and the violator, in addition to the rest of the GMs within earshot, drank.
'Tis time to run --- but there were instructions (what, at a hash? Go figure!). Wait three of the hares are blond, so, well yea! It seems there were now to be two sections to the r*nner's trail, Eagle and Turkey. Would you believe some people were running so fast they didn't see the split!! Put It Out was lamenting that he didn't think anyone took the turkey trail. So remember to tell him this week if you took the turkey trail!! He'll appreciate it!
Comments from the long trail included Put It Out explaining how the r*nner's tunnel was so much shorter than the walker's. Incredible patches of leg tearing, pant shredding shiggy. Pinky Penis trying to bend the top pipe of a chain link fence with his forehead. It just goes to show those Mount Vernon hashers really like their shiggy tough. What's it Big Bird Turd always used to say --- "knock yourself out guy!!"
After the beer check it was walker's trail for this scribe. The hares are to be commended! Black Box and all the walkers are truly grateful for the fine effort in laying an actual trail and like we didn't go out the way we came in. Ya know what I mean!!! Off went Driving Miss Bitch way out in front of the pack that had tripled in number. When the trail needed solving WhereDaFaKhawe and Spits It Out sprinted out looking for hash. Wow, excitement!! Once across Edsall and going through the woodlands on a nature trail where the turkey part of the runner's trail converged with walker trail. Pink flour, no, white flour!! But there were just a hand full - Banana Nuts and Pecker Checker and about 15 others but, uh, Spits It Out was showing me these really cool bugs and larvae found under the rocks in the streambed, and I didn't see everyone, sorry. Next time cum down and say hi!!
Off down trail to our goal -- TUNNEL !! We got there in time to see about 10 people cuming back down the hillside from I-395. It seems they didn't want to get their feet wet, but crossing the road could have been worse. Except for one harriette - Driving Miss Bitch successfully crossed AND kept her feet dry. The hares had left a great bit of 'poetry' for us to read. It was a reminder to the male hashers that the harriettes would not mind a lift above the water and would offer sexual favors in return. No wonder Driving Miss Bitch crossed the road. There were no male hashers there willing and waiting!! So The Body and I just held on to each other and safely made our way through.
The 2nd check was just after the tunnel on the other side of the stream - it was a 'test-tube shot check'. Yummy. Blue was Kamikaze, Orange was Yucca, and there was one other. There was birthday cake too. Then the pack was off. At this point Black Box asks if we have to go back through the tunnel - let's just say there was much rejoicing!!!
Visitors:
Violations --- who was it that drank for r*nning in, and attending the circle in SHORTS!!! There were some new shoes on trail too. Briar Buns had to drink for herself and Hymen Dickover seems there was some sort of mishap with a car and then the worst offense. Sitting in their car with the engine running instead of freezing with the rest of us in the circle. The GMs drank for some offense - heck they are always drinking!!
'very solemn occasion' - a naming!!! Just Stacie was called forward and immediately stripped down to T-shirt - she was ready!! But the circle wasn't. Wow - this lady has kept a low profile or the brains were frozen - one story! Something about New Year's Eve, feeling way sick, and in her rush to get home she jumped in the wrong car. Suggested name - Car Slut. Thank goodness The Body jumped out into the circle. She said that Stacie just loves those Jell-O Jigglers and watch them wiggle. Hence forth and forevermore, Just Stacie will be known as:
Then a momentous decision was made to save the rest of the namings for a much warmer day. Except for Just Stephanie. Just Stephanie was very ready! It seems that at the alternative Happy Hour on Wednesday she was sporting a tattoo, a really nice dolphin frolicking in the waves below her naval. She was even color coordinated, she stripped down to her turquoise jog bra, and on shouts of "show us the tattoo", displayed a blue/turquoise creature with waves to match. Luckily for everyone - much thought had been devoted to her name - choices were: smells like fish, tastes like fish, bush diver, and pussy with a porpoise. YEA!! Hence forth and forevermore, Just Stephanie will be known as:
And then Swing Low and on out!!!! The hares are to be commended for telling Bennigan's off and cancelling the on-on-on there. They re-nigged on giving discounts - oh, if only they knew what they missed. The on-on-on was held at Reynold's Tavern just off the corner of Duke, on Reynolds. Good HOT food!! Never to cum back to the land where shoe-laces freeze!!! So how many hashers out there had to fight to get their shoes off?!